Teens and Screens: The 'Big Hug' Teenagers Untangled Guide for Parents
Be more Nigel (my father-in-law, not Farage)
While the experts of the world battle it out to set some actual guidelines we parents are having to muddle through. In fact, my words for parenting are more ‘muddle’ and ‘haggle’ than anything else so I’m here to give you a pragmatic, parent-friendly guide to coping. No judgement, just support with navigating devices in your own home wherever you find yourself in the argument.
I want to start with the simple subject of communication, because it helps to illustrate the world we live in. In an ideal world we’d see someone or pick up the phone, but we don’t. Most of us message. In my family different people like to be contacted in different ways. If I send a video of cats to my eldest, bonus, daughter on Instagram there’ll be an almost instant response of joy. If I sent my husband an Insta message, even if it’s about skiing or flying, it would languish unread for a good week or two. My second bonus child is still on Facebook, my third responds to WhatsApp, my fourth rarely reads it because she’s too busy on TikTok. Everyone seems to connect better through their chosen space and I’ve realised that, as the mother hub, who wants to stay close to everyone, I need to meet them where they are in this digital city landscape. (I got this term from Catherine Knibbs and rather like it).
My point is, as soon as we find our way out into the digital world, we begin to develop our preferred spaces, and they can be very different even within a close, loving family.
My father-in-law, Nigel, is the brick in the wall. He’s a nightmare to get hold of because he doesn’t even answer his mobile, let alone see messages via any platforms, but he will call when it suits him.
I once queried why he never answers his phone. His response was, ‘This device is for my benefit, nobody else’s.’ In a nutshell, he has given us the most important mantra we need.
This device is for my benefit and nobody else’s
All of our devices are inert. We buy them for the promise of who we can reach or what we can do through them. Whilst they have factory settings, what we do with them once we switch them on will rapidly influence our future path.
The social media companies admit that they start out with a sort of voodoo doll of each of us which will relate to our demographic profile when we login. From then on, they start to hone a very detailed picture of us with each moment we hesitate to watch something, and each time we click. The algorithms are designed to push material at us that fits either our demographic profile or our individual use, which is why they can be so unpleasant ie not all teen boys…
You might be wondering when I’m going to start talking about how to deal with our kids, but I’m deliberately starting with us and our own devices because I’m convinced it’s no good trying to tell our kids what to do if we have no idea how to manage our own behaviour. So my recommended first brick in our foundation is Nigel’s mantra. Let’s start every day with that. Then address the following questions.
What do I want to do, see or meet? Ask this before you use your device.
Being intentional is the ideal speedbump. Setting goals ie I’m going to be using it for 10 minutes or half an hour because I want to do xyz, gives us focus. It’s also measurable, so if we/our child find we can’t adhere to our goals we can then take a step back and review what’s happening.
What am I being sold?
I’ve told my kids that social media accounts are like shop windows. Whether we are conscious of it or not we are selling an image of ourselves, and others are doing the same. I’ve helped them to think about what they are saying about themselves so they post less, and more mindfully when they do, and to view the accounts of others as an entirely curated, sanitised, version of their own messy lives.
Of course, we’re not all posting. A lot of us are simply browsing, as we would a magazine. There’s nothing wrong with that. It can be uplifting, entertaining or enlightening but because we never have to turn a page or get to the end of that magazine it can also be a black hole of energy from which we struggle to extract ourselves. Think about how much time you would be prepared to spend flicking through a magazine and make that your limit.
Teens can struggle more with this because their job is to form their identity, so they will be far more engaged in hunting out ideas and finding role models. It can also be particularly helpful and positive for those teens who don’t see people like them in their own community. It’s a mixed bag.
What am I missing by being here?
At the risk of sounding cynical, social media isn’t really social. It probably should be called marketing media because the last thing any of the sites or apps want us to do is put down our devices and actually talk to other people. As Johann Hari pointed out in his book Stolen Focus, Facebook could easily create a button on your page that said, ‘I fancy a chat, anyone free for a coffee?’ That would be social. It would also involve me putting down my phone, so that’s not something they will ever offer.
Instead, they want us to stay there and either buy things or give them our data - which they can then use for selling to us or to sell. It’s simple economics.That said, I have met some of the most inspiring, insightful people through social media. Many of the books I’ve read, or interviewees I’ve found, were the result of a social media post. It can be a brilliant means of connecting to things that really interest us.
We want to enhance these positives whilst minimising the negatives, so before we allow our kids to use devices of any type it’s a good idea to make a list of things that they like doing, and should do in the real world, that bring them connection and joy, but sometimes anguish. Discomfort is not something to be avoided; it’s part of normal life.
Creating this list means we have a baseline that we can refer back to and discuss if our kids start to be lopsided.
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What is the exercise I enjoy most?
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What hobbies do I enjoy?
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When I am genuinely connecting with others in real life?
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What are my responsibilities?
These things should stand side by side with our online life, not be crowded out by it.
What am I avoiding?
I saw a brilliant post by someone called Tamara, sorry I don’t have more than that. She said, ‘It’s amazing how many people buy stuff or eat just because they are bored. Boredom has become the most expensive emotion of our time, an invisible tax that empties wallets, fills closets, and adds kilograms.
What people mistake for hunger or desire is often just the absence of purpose, a restlessness looking for a cheap thrill. If you can learn to sit with that itch without numbing it, you suddenly gain two rare currencies, clarity and control.’
Most of us have, at some point, turned to our devices to stave off uncomfortable feelings. Boredom, sadness, anger. If we ask this question regularly, we can become more mindful of the feelings we need to process rather than push away. Being open and conscious about this will help our kids recognise their own behaviour in turn.
What are my boundaries?
Whenever we use our devices we’re showing our kids the ‘normal’ of how adults should behave. So telling them what’s in the digital landscape is bad and super scary when we’re on our devices all of the time, or they’re experiencing something very different from our version of what being online means, is going to end up turning them into kids who sneak around and lie. It’s easier than challenging us on whatever ‘dumb’ thing we have decided matters without consulting them.
So, we should be openly discussing and setting boundaries for ourselves that look similar to the boundaries our kids will have. When I was growing up we had a rule in our house that if a visitor arrived the TV had to be switched off immediately. I like that rule and I like to think about how we can apply it to our own devices.
So, no devices:
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At the table.
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In the bedroom and bedtime.
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When someone has arrived in the room unless they want to join in.
These are the bare bones of my thinking. Below is the checklist that I have created for you to use with your family. It’s ideal if we work on the checklist before we hand them a device, but my mantra in life is ‘It’s never too late’. Start at the top then work your way through it. At any point, we can discuss issues with our kids and scale back their use, as long as everyone understands and agrees on why.
Rather than handing over power to others, either by defaulting to the generally accepted way of doing things in our own community or expecting experts to swoop in and rescue us, I want to hand back ownership to you. You’re the world leading expert on your own kids (I got that from Stella O’Malley and I rather like it) and you are the person who needs to be empowered to make these decisions.
I have more PDF’s on the way, to support discussions at home, but in the meantime I have included the key episodes that will help you unpack your own thinking.
DEVICES CHECKLIST WITH RELEVANT EPISODE LINKS:
- Our family values: Decide what they are, write them down and put them on the wall. (I will have soon have a PDF of exercises to support you with this if it’s something that would help )
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Real life: List other things offline that are important, both responsibilities and things that bring joy. These should include exercise, chores or work, hobbies and real-life social contact.
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Screen time contract: Come to an agreement about balancing screen time so you can fit in all the things that matter, including that vital thing, sleep!
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Being your best-self online: Discuss what respectful relationships look like online, what good online manners might look like and why they matter. What image do you want to present to the world and how do you respond if people are rude or mean?
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Use of cameras and sexting: Talk about the use of their camera. What is appropriate and what the issues might be, including bikini photos.
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Downloading apps: Each app is different and offers separate issues. Discuss why it’s important to check in before downloading one and what you, as a parent, want to know about the app before agreeing to it.
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Choosing who they follow and watch and why: Teens are forming their identity and sexuality, which means they are unusually open to ideas. Discuss how the people they choose to follow, and the things they watch, will affect their development, both positively and negatively.
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Commercialism: What am I being told and how is that affecting my own values, judgement and self-worth? Selling something is about identifying a problem that can be fixed with the product. For the less scrupulous, there’s an incentive to create a problem where no problem actually exists.
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Porn: The landscape has changed dramatically, so it’s vital that both we and our kids are prepared to discuss the issues this raises, without judgement, and the values we hold dear.
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Grooming: Ensuring our kids feel loved and valued at home, spotting the signs and ensuring our kids are aware of the key tactics used, can immunise them against predators.
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What to do if things go wrong: I would recommend having an open discussion about this before any problems arise. Being explicit with our kids that they must come to us, regardless of how shameful or scary the situation, is vital information to protect them.
Let me know what you think of this list and whether there’s anything I haven’t addressed, or that you agree/disagree with.
I’ve been working on a series of PDF’s that offer you questions to discuss with your kids, which will be out shortly.
Rachel Richards
Host
I've worked as a BBC Correspondent, a World News Anchor for CNBC Europe and a Parenting Supercoach for Parent Gym, supporting parents in the most deprived boroughs of London.
I'm the mother of two bonus-daughters, now in their twenties, two teenagers, and married to the most amazing, but messy, man. I live in a Tudor house in the UK countryside, walk my two cockapoos daily and read voraciously.
My main purpose in making this podcast is my desire to break negative family cycles so I can understand and parent my own teens better.
I'm a lover of yoga, jogging, hiking, skiing, flying, reading, music, and all types of adventurous travel.
Originally born in Zambia, I'd lived in six different countries by the age of ten and thank my lucky stars to have settled in the UK.
Most of all I am loving the opportunity to give back for all the good fortune I've had in my life.
Parenting lessons from adults who go no contact
