Transcript
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Hello, and welcome to Teenagers Untangled the audio hug for parents going into all through the teenage years. I'm Rachel Richards.
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And I'm Susie Asli.
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Susie, lots of kids are starting at a new school this year. Yeah, I moved schools a lot as a child and as a teen. So I have plenty of personal experience, including moving mid year. We've also had kids going to secondary and you've you've had a son move from a private to a state sector school, haven't you? Yeah. Which is an education in itself. Yeah.
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So today, we're going to talk about what we wish we'd known when our team started their new schools, but what are the key things we can do to support that transition and what to expect, including practical things as well as emotional support? Now, it matters because according to the education Endowment Foundation, which is an independent charity dedicated to breaking the link between family income and educational achievement, parental engagement for teens, has a positive impact, on average of two months additional progress over a school year. Wow. They evaluated this in 10 countries around the world and had broadly similar findings. So it doesn't matter.
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Yeah. All right. So before we move on to that, let's begin with our nuggets, Susie.
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Okay. Well, I have a one. It's summer holidays still here. And I've just been away with my family. There were 12 of us.
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Which is great.
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I know. It was amazing. It's amazing bit overwhelming. Wow. No, we're all alive. Still. There was a lot of fun, actually. And we were in different places. And my nugget is actually that myself and my partner and my twins were all staying in the same place. My My eldest was staying with his cousins. They have a little cottage where we were staying.
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Tell us where you were, again.
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We were in Ireland and to reassure dunfanaghy. We spoke with a bad Irish accent all week. And we were staying in this place and my twins boy, girl twins, they shared a room and they get on brilliantly. Now they haven't always we know they've always got on. But they just seem like a lot closer now.
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And one day, there was something happened at home, which my boy twin found a bit weird. And it's all resolved. And my twin girl said something a bit insensitive about it. And he got really angry, and they really fell out.
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Which is very unusual, because he's super, super laid back and doesn't normally get riled at stuff. So the property fell out.
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I had to kind of go in and make sure they were right. And then about only about 20 minutes later, we went out to do something together. And just my daughter went, apologized. She just stopped and she just went I'm really sorry. And then she said why? So she said I said something insensitive. I didn't mean to upset you. I'm really sorry. My boy twin went Oh, that's okay. And and I really overreacted and explained why.
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And I stood there like scrubbing the wall. They're 15 That is amazing. Hurry, and then they made up and then it was gone.
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Absolutely gone. Praise them to the roof and said I thought that was amazing. It's really beautiful.
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You know, we just grow they come on. We just they we need to model this ourselves. Yes, they can see how they can do this actually apologize about shame. know, when you apologize. It's about building.
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Yeah. And I've always said to them, if something goes wrong, apologize, explain why and then move on.
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And they did. And it was really beautiful.
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Wonderful. Well done you. So for me, my daughter, this is for me, it's going to be something that is related to starting school. So my older daughter, I'm sure she wouldn't mind me saying this when she first started secondary school. It was really tough. And part of it was because it was during that sort of just after the COVID lockdown, and they were still wearing masks all the time. And it was very stressful because they weren't allowed to socialize at all, except in their own little groups. And she kept saying to me, there's just these people aren't like me. And part of it was that she come from a small school to a big school. A lot of the kids had all come up together because they had been to the same school. And a lot of them had mobile phones and had used them a lot. Now, we weren't that kind of family. And she just said I just can't connect with them because they're on their phones all the time. And you know, they will talking about people I don't know. So I kept saying to her, Well, why don't you just kind of we play cards a lot. And why don't you just introduce cards or kick the can everyone can play. She just said no, no, they're not like that to talk.
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They don't like it. And she was very scared. And I completely understand that because I probably would feel the same.
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And I tried to explain to her that the reason those kids were doing that using their phones were they were clinging to them like life rafts and they were talking to people they New because it's much easier than trying to talk to new people. So they were they were using these as a means of just coping with a new situation. And she has since found out this summer that, you know, a couple of the girls that she knew at that time, both love playing games, playing cards, click the car and all that stuff crazy, but it's about the environment as well, isn't it?
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So, you know, I've actually messaged the teacher who's sort of in charge of them and just said, you know, what would be a lovely tweak this year is if you can get the older girls to, you know, get out kick the can or get out cards or something and just normalized playing those sorts of games so that those kids know how to do it? Because they probably do No, but they just, everyone's going to revert to what it seems like everyone else is doing. Right. So it's been a revelation for her. She's so much happier now. But it's worth noting that anything that's really lovely. I mean, any change can be stressful moving schools, particularly from primary to secondary can feel daunting for both the child and the parents. So we thought it would be great to do this episode, talking about what we have been through and what we know. Top tip, we think school learning is really important, don't we? You know, when when our kids are going to senior school, it's like, they're going to have to learn all these really important things. For the kids. I think new friendships and relationships are way more important. Their images important. domains will be when they when my kids came home, maybe about 10% of what they want to talk about with schoolwork.
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Yeah. Oh, gosh. 10%.
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Your mind is probably about half a percent. Yes. Yeah. So it's friendship. I never asked about their work is the first question. It's always what? You know, who did you have lunch with?
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Yeah, exactly.
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So that's the one thing to, like, keep that in your mind.
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Okay, the for you. We need to make sure they're doing well at school, that that's just not important to them as important as the other stuff. And
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and it's all as we know, we've spoken about before.
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If they're happy with their friendships, they will be learning. Yeah. If they're not happy with
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learning, yes.
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So it's all some of them do to kind of just hide themselves in their work, because they just don't know. So it's trends, that hurts me. And remember, teachers are human, too, they will have had endless meetings in preparation for this new term.
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And yes, they've had a holiday, but they will have had, they have to get to know a whole new cohort of kids. So just remember, there's there's a human being the other side, who really cares, they want to love your kids and get on well with them and do well.
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And I'm a, I've been a teacher, I am a teacher. And you have you know, there's there's types of teachers as well, which kids, you know, relate or don't relate to.
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They're the ones that go back, you know, gung ho they've spent weeks preparing, they've got these really exciting lessons.
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And it's amazing. And the kids are like, Oh, my God, like they've been bombarded. And some of the kids go, Whoo, that was really exciting, inspiring, but they don't all some of them are just, they need a gentle transition.
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It's hard to get it right. Yeah. And you know, so just bear with them don't don't instantly go that's terrible teacher. So I thought we'd break it down into areas there's orientation, your new school campus, getting on into class on time, write books, routines, all that stuff. And then there's your feelings about the school. Okay, so what can we do before? I think one of the important things is to involve your child in decision making wherever that is possible. So you're going to get a huge like a wall of admin coming to you.
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And that's just everything to do with the way the new school works. What they're going to expect from you in your your teen read everything if you can,
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yeah, I mean, depending on the school some schools I think maybe the private sector, there's there's a lot of admin and a lot of information. I think, some of the schools there's less it depends on the school, but there will be information that you need, need to know to them every day wearing.
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Yes, exactly.
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Consent forms. And talking to I'm glad you raise what they're supposed to be wearing, because that came up a lot with us. And I was I would go through the forms and say, well, it says your skirt should be this long.
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And the thing is, you know, so I I made sure their skirt was that's the shortest it was allowed to me. They turn up at school and they're like, Mom, I looked like the grandma. Yeah, everyone else's skirt is and everyone rolls their skirt. So you can't win as a parent. No.
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And one of the top tips is to talk to if you can find any parents who've been through this already at that school. Get the lowdown Yeah, do they use these bags? Do they actually use these coats? Don't buy the coat right at the start.
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Just hold off never buy a jumper no one wears a jumper even when it's minus five. It's a waste of money.
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Yeah, just don't buy that just there. You know, get obviously you need the the important things like the school shoes, but you do need to just hold off with some of them.
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Log on it as a school website login. Sign up to the school newsletter. Great tip. What about the Facebook page one of our listeners mentioned that and said you know, it was Eric Bristow. or she said the school has a Facebook page for the new intake. They often arrange meetups in the summer,
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some schools do some, some are less active, aren't they? So you know, it just depends. You don't
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want to be the person who missed out if that's happening. So that's another, you know, have a look, see if there's anybody what's going on.
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And make sure that you're familiar with the online learning systems at that school.
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A lot of them now have them because we have had COVID. So just get your head round by the gear. But like we said, just be careful about what
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you do. Yeah. And also, I think it's really good to get a balance, isn't it?
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Because I mean, we can kind of go in gung ho, and if, if the kids are a bit, and depending on how old the kids are, so if they're going at 11, or they're going at 13, is very different from changing school at 1516, or going for sixth form, it's really different. So when they're going into sixth form as new students, then you know, it's really good for them to take responsibility for further stuff. And really, no, we don't want to kind of terrify them.
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No, no, and that's what, that's why I mean, I think it's worth as a parent, ask get in crosses. And then if you think you can get your child involved at any of these stages, bring them in, bring them in because as young as possible, because it gives them a sense of ownership over it. Because what you're you're subtly saying is you're saying, You know what, it's now a lot more about you this is the massive transition, that kids have to get their heads around which one of my teens vocalize beautifully, and she said, Mommy, it was so much easier when I was younger, because you would step in when I did something wrong. And you'd fix it for me or you do this that. And now I know you can't and you don't know that's true.
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And it's we've suddenly got to start moving them into that space where they start to realize that they are have a lot more independence. Yeah, but also responsibility for the things that are happening. Yes.
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And the choices they make. Yeah,
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and there are consequences when they don't have the right gear and all of that kind of stuff. My like, I'm just thinking of my twins, they're very different in the way they approach school. And, and I think for my daughter, who hasn't always been how can I proceed? Very excited about going back to school? Or, or you know, going to, to a new school is different from going back to school, isn't it? But having to do that maybe a bit more gently so that she's not like, oh, because nobody likes the end of the summer holidays, do they?
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Well, some kids do. But she particularly doesn't. Whereas maybe my other kids were a bit more like, Oh, yay, what we're doing and kind of a new new notebook kind of thing. Yes. So it's, you know, picking your approach to your particular kid.
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I think that spot I think she'd have run away screaming if I'd you know, really gung ho, no, no quiet,
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but also just getting them involved as you're going through that. So you say, Okay, so here's the school uniform. What do you think, you know, here, here's what they're saying. Because if they, quite often kids are not aware of any rules unless you're show them the rules. So you can say, What do you think, you know, they've said this as a schooling, can you speak to kids your age? Just give them a little bit of space to think about it before you actually say, right? We're buying a School Skirt tomorrow?
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And it's really hard when they're new, isn't it?
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Because like you said, if they don't know the people, all they need, all they actually need is one day in school? Yes. And then they know what everyone else is wearing. And that's what they want.
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Or what I did with my kids is I arranged because no one else seems to be doing it. I spoke to the school and I said, Can I have a list of parent names. And I contacted all the parents just to kind of group messages that they allowed us that know the parents had to say, so they were okay with that. So the school has to have when you fill in the forms that can school has to have consent to whether you they were prepared to be contacted. So anyone who was on that list, I just messaged them and said, Hi.
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I'd love to arrange a little get together tea and cake. Just so the girls can meet each other beforehand. It was just perfect.
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Yeah. So really, really, because it's amazing that they just calm down because then seeing the whites of the eyes and some of the other girls and they sat there did they didn't walk into a sea of faces and have no idea who they were taught I just
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brilliant. I'm my eldest went to a massive Sixth Form College, I think they would have laughed their heads off if I sent them that email.
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Yeah, that's a bit.
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It also goes to the point I was going to make was that it was just after COVID he hadn't even seen the college. He hadn't been there. He went with a friend in the end, but they they didn't have the same lessons.
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But even that's helpful having someone that you know, yeah, it was widely held to the environment with so even if it's someone who's not even necessarily going to the school, if you know someone who's going on the same bus or someone who's going on the same train or, or going in the same direction, where you can give them a lift in there somehow they've got an anchor
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on that first day, and I think we kind of sometimes miss the journey to school is a really big deal. I've kind of come to that conclusion over the years, how you get to school and the journey and who you're traveling with. And all of that is really key whereas sometimes I think maybe I've dismissed it.
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My kids get a train to school and, and it's a it's a really big part of it. Have being prepared. And, you know, you know, when they first were new in that school, you know, we we actually, when when my boy was younger, we did the trip on our own, you know, just so that he knew which stock to get off and stuff like that and get the train ticket the day before. Now I'm running to the station in the morning, like five minutes for the training. I haven't renewed it. But you know, the the journey to school, who are you going to walk with? And have they got the same bag as me when they're a particular teenage age? You know, when they get older, they, again, don't mind so much. But you know, that is important, and how are they getting home those things we kind of think aren't as important as the actual school day. But actually, they're a big part of the day.
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And I'm glad you said that. Because getting school you think she can do our work out what the route is, you could practice it at one once at the time of day when they're going to be using it. Talk to them about what to do if things go wrong. I mean, I can't I turned up in England, age 10 and had to catch a bus to school.
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And one day I came out of the school, it was late because I don't remember why I had stayed late and the bus drove straight past me. And I was in the middle of nowhere. And that was the last bus. So I just were there were no phones, I had to walk to the nearest house and knock on her door. So so just have them ready to know, you know, maybe their batteries flat if they have a mobile or anything. Just you know, what do we do if things go wrong? So it's not a crisis? They've already are?
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Yeah, we had this conversation.
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Here's how we cope.
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And it's the unknown. That's stressful, as we've talked about a lot of time the unknown. So if you've done the journey, and you've seen it, you've seen the bus stop. You've seen where you walk up, then they can go,
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Oh, I know that pet. Yeah. Yeah. And I with my daughter when she her birthday was on a train journey. The first day actually, no, I drove her in. That's true. I drew her in. And I met some of the parents. Yes. And then the next day, I put her on the train. And I paid for a cappuccino. And she was very excited because she got to the train station, and she could buy herself something. And it was just one of those things where it just made it fun. Yeah.
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to also talk to them just about things like listening to music, when they're crossing the road, all those kind of really minor things that can be major. Okay, so enough of that, working on routines before and after school. I totally got this wrong. Hands up. I didn't even think about this. And, you know, my daughter would come home from school. And I'd say, so what?
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What's your homework? Oh, haven't got any? Really, because I thought you might have some homework by now and you don't seem to be doing. So what I should have done with her was had a conversation with her before she started school about like, what was going to be her homework environment? Where is it going to be? And the fact that she should expect from day one that there will be homework, and that I will support her, you know, in her choosing when she was going to do it. So because you don't want to be the Nag saying, Wait, you've got to sit down do you know so I went, what I learned was I learned when she comes in, put all her electronics on the kitchen table, go and have a snack just decompress a bit. And then I'd say to her, so when are you planning to do your homework, so that I can fit supper around it?
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And it meant that she had some control over it? Yeah. And it turns out, she did have homework, but she was you know, she wasn't
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happy. Yeah. And we need to review that, don't we, I'm gonna have a conversation with my kids before they start school and particularly one of them. They're going into a more important in inverted commas here. But they you know, some of them and I have twins who work really differently. I have a one who likes to do it. The second she gets home. Good, then it's done, even if it's not particularly well done tick. And I have another one who will be doing it, you know, beyond when he's supposed to be asleep in bed. So they're completely the opposite ends of the spectrum, but it's their choice. And then there's a there's a natural consequence to that if they don't, yes,
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yes. But it's just worth flagging it up and going. Okay, how's this routine going to work? What? What time?
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You know, we know how long it's going to take you in the morning to get what's that journey? So this is why rehearsing the stuff beforehand makes it so much easier because then you can work back from that and say, You need to be in bed by this time. Yeah, yes. And then having sort of a half hour minimum decompression time before that when there's no electronics and they're just doing something there. It's really pleasurable. and
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relaxing. Actually, that that thing with bedtime is interesting. I've had that conversation with mine trying to get them to work out okay. How many hours of sleep do you need?
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Because obviously summer holidays is you know, Free For All right isn't my husband and um, you know, okay, how many hours do you need? Okay, and worked out. Okay, so then when do you think you need to be in bed? Okay, by this time. So then how long does it take you to brush your teeth? How long does it take to say when when should you go upstairs and then there's this kind of big kind of oh, oh, God, it's
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never going to think about it unless we talk it through.
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But I want to go to bed at this time because that's the time in my head I think is Call in okay for me to go to sleep?
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Yes, yes, yes.
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So yeah, I just wait, you know, it's better to have these conversations before the whole because the technology thing, we will come on to that it's going to be a big wave of, you know, focus on these things. So let's go on to the emotional stuff.
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Because we've done all that. We need to be clear about our values before they start school.
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And it really saved my daughter, because I was quite clear with her about what I thought about drinking alcohol, vaping, all these things you can listen to, we have episodes on all these topics. So do have a listen, because they help you to think through where you sit. And we do all sit in different places.
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I've had a lady contact me with a 13 year old son who said, I wasn't ready for this. He's 13.
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And I realized I need to have a drug chat. Right. So shall we?
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Yeah. So we need to actually know that this happens quite quickly. Yeah, so just be clear beforehand, because then it saves them if they get into a different sticky situation. I expect to have your views challenged. Yeah, no, because they're gonna go into a new environment. And they're gonna say, Yeah, but, you know, whatever, they'll come back with their own viewpoints.
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And they'll be experimenting with, with who they hang out with. It's really vulnerable time for them. Yes, it's very honorable, because they, you know, they're being faced with all the vulnerabilities, does it? Is anyone gonna like me? Is anyone going to sit with me at break is anyone going to, you know, we all experienced that. But it's such, it's really vulnerable.
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Yeah, they really need a big, caring, nurturing place at home.
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And with
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that in mind, listen to the talking with your teen episode, which was very early on. And that's about how you can set up this relationship where they feel they can tell you anything, and you're not going to judge them. Also, how not to overreact, because you're going to hear some things that maybe you won't like. And very, very importantly, if your teen has a camera on their phone, you need to think about sexting. And you need to think about the pressure that they might come under, either. If they decide they're going to ask for nudes, or they will be contacted by people, asking them to send things trust me, this happens a lot. So just prepare your kid to know how to manage any requests like that.
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Yeah, that's a brilliant tip. I mean, a lot of schools, I think they're getting better at having talks with the kids, which is really brilliant.
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But they don't all and they don't all listen, and they maybe aren't in that day.
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They're not it.
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Yeah, exactly. But also just coming from you where you're no judgment. You're just saying, I just want you to understand that this could happen. And here's how you deal with it. Yeah.
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One other thing I think is when they start a school and start the new school year, even if they've been at the school for forever, but particularly if they're new is they are so tired. Yes, they are so tired. And they are really vulnerable. It's really hard, and they might be feeling really edgy. And they might take it all out on us which they probably will. So suddenly you think you know your kids turned into the Wicked Witch and this isn't this new school has done this to them. They're just knackered, like, it's really tiring being on alert all day in the new environment. We know that as adults, you start a new job, it's really tiring. And it's even more tiring for teenagers.
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Yes, it is good to just remember anything they ratty if they're rude if they're their chest tired, they need you. They need you to have their back.
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Not overreacting. Yeah, yes, absolutely. And coming back to it. Judgment free. Just give them a space where they can talk about how they're feeling about things. And actually really be positive. Because we because we know this is going to be really hard. But let's not talk too much about that we can say you normalize it and say, you know, everybody's gonna find this hard because you're, you know, all new things are stressful. But they're also very excited. Yeah.
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And there is no limit to who you can be, and what you can achieve in this new environment. Just remember that and focus on the positivity of the experience because of the pain they pick up on the parent being anxious about it. That's where the anxiety can start to, to just set seed. I
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think that's so important. That's such an important point. Because that's relates to everything we do as parents, isn't it, they pick up on our nervous system, and if our nervous system is jangling and we're going to open mic, it's going to be alright, in this new school. We're going to be going oh, I hope I'm gonna be alright. And if we go you're gonna be great. You're gonna be fine. Have you got any break your money for break? Snack?
00:24:18.359 --> 00:24:25.710
Brilliant, off you go have a great day. They're gonna go oh, oh, yeah, no, I'm fine. They are sponges.
00:24:25.740 --> 00:24:28.799
And it's hard for us to do that.
00:24:25.740 --> 00:24:32.279
It's hard. But I'm checking in on ourselves. How am I feeling?
00:24:28.799 --> 00:24:32.279
And can I curb that?
00:24:32.490 --> 00:24:35.640
If you This is Matt Sousa, you're spot on?
00:24:35.640 --> 00:24:55.349
Because we've been through this, haven't we? We've been we've talked to the parents about this. And reminding your child that friendships take time to develop and reminding yourself because you'll sit there and think, oh, nobody's talking to my child, my child, and your child will come home and say I haven't got any friends. I'm all alone. And they and then when you look, talk to the school.
00:24:51.990 --> 00:25:10.380
Yeah, don't don't sit there and think this is awful. It's horrible children. Communicate with the school and say I'm hearing this one. Are you hearing what you're using? And most of the time they come back and say, well, she seems really popular. Yeah. So So just remember, yeah, just don't get too sucked into
00:25:10.380 --> 00:25:18.269
it all. And some schools, you know, they don't have always the capacity to, you know, to be able to do that immediately. So, you know, give it a bit of time.
00:25:18.390 --> 00:25:31.289
Yes. So, Sally buss, one of our listeners said she wished that she had encouraged her daughter to sort of make new friends and not just cling on to her old friendship group. Which is normal. I think it's
00:25:31.890 --> 00:25:34.019
really hard.
00:25:31.890 --> 00:25:39.420
Because, you know, my, one of my kids went with a massive friendship group. And he's still in that massive friendship group. They love each other.
00:25:39.420 --> 00:25:45.750
They've known each other for years. And they've, you know, they've different kids flit in and out of it, but you know, that's normal.
00:25:45.809 --> 00:25:59.430
Yes. And if your child's nervous about fitting in, just reassure them that everybody is feeling the same thing. normalize these very real emotions and just say, yeah, that that's what teenagers feel that's a very normal thing.
00:25:59.609 --> 00:26:07.200
Because very often they think everybody else is coping really well, because everyone's putting on a show. And they think they're the only person Yeah.
00:26:07.500 --> 00:26:19.680
And extroverts, when they're anxious. They go mental and crazy. And everybody kind of show your fi and loud, and that is mistaken for confidence.
00:26:15.630 --> 00:26:31.559
Introverts the shut down and this massive generalization here, but you know, shut down and they're quiet. So they feel shy, you know, just because somebody is really chatty and loud doesn't mean they're feeling confident. No, absolutely could just be their anxiety.
00:26:31.740 --> 00:26:34.079
Absolutely. And listen to the friendship group.
00:26:34.440 --> 00:27:12.329
But actually, we've got two things on friendships, both will help with your kids with the just the skills of making new friends, and also the dynamic of friendship groups. So just, it might be worth having a little review of those, if you haven't listened to them, I think one of the really important things that we have to keep sight of is that when they first move, as you've said, there's a massive amount of stuff going on. Very often there's a transit, there's a transition dip, there's it, there's their performance in some way, possibly across the board could go down because they are juggling too many things.
00:27:12.329 --> 00:28:04.769
It's like when I was learning to fly, you know, you need your, your brain can't cope with everything. So what you do when you start learning, because it's such a massive, a lot of stuff going on in the cockpit, you have someone with you, who will do everything for you, except the one thing you're learning to do. That's clever. And then and you'll because they load shed, and then what they do is give you something extra on top of that, and slowly your transition to the point where you can cope with all the different things, you've got to remember what a great metaphor as well, yes, yes. But you wouldn't expect someone to get into an aeroplane and be able to know. And it's, it's sort of similar. So just remember, if they become terrible at relationships, it may be that they're just overwhelmed somewhere else. And they're focusing their their skill and attention somewhere else. And if they academically start to drop, keep an eye on it. But just remember that all these other skills are really, really important, too.
00:28:04.920 --> 00:28:18.390
Yeah. And kids are different. Like I have one kid who is so attuned socially to what's going on that that is where all their energy goes, when it's when trusting and all of that. And then there's no more capacity.
00:28:19.650 --> 00:28:22.049
Literally, I can't learn to busy with my beds.
00:28:22.049 --> 00:28:28.680
Yeah, too busy noticing what everyone's doing in the room. And then that passes and then okay, and then it settles and then then we're good again.
00:28:29.009 --> 00:29:11.880
Yes. And so what we need to do is we need to manage our own anxiety and emotions about it. There'll be fine, let them do more. Let them do as much as they can keep an eye on them. But if they're looking like they're not coping, just be there. Just keep checking with them every single day, you need to check in with them find a space, whether it's, you know, 10 minutes in the car, whether it's just before they go to bed, whether it's around the dinner table, just check in with them and try and listen, use those two techniques, the active listening and the super silence Just so that you can try and gauge where are they at? And if they say that they can't do something, don't jump on it.
00:29:09.150 --> 00:29:13.470
Don't jump on it just empathetic.
00:29:13.500 --> 00:29:19.680
You try and find you know, the the fun teenager rabbits in the day. You know, who did you hang out with it?
00:29:19.680 --> 00:29:23.730
Bree? What did you do? Did you buy a snack on the way home?
00:29:23.730 --> 00:29:26.579
What was it? What did Fred do?
00:29:23.730 --> 00:29:29.460
Like you know that kind of stuff? Who was on the bus?
00:29:26.579 --> 00:29:32.400
Rather than what did you learn in history? And have you got you know, math?
00:29:33.599 --> 00:29:59.069
Yes, but I just want to go back to this mobile technology is actually super, super important. Because it's so much a part of teenage life and different schools have different policies. We're in this situation where once you've got one kid and friendship group on Snapchat, it's very hard to resist, resist as long as you can, but once they're on it, they're on it. And you can listen to our Snapchat episode.
00:29:59.160 --> 00:30:30.690
You can listen to our skull The entire episode. It's not all bad, right? It's it's incredibly sociable, and can be incredibly fun. Just keep an eye on whether it's actually causing more anxiety than it's helping. And it's, you know, it's an entirely different episode. But it's just be aware that this is going to be a major part of your life going forward. And managing it is something to think quite clearly about where do you sit in terms of that? And yeah, and
00:30:30.690 --> 00:30:37.920
it's also okay, if you don't know, and you have to have a transition time where you're not quite sure, because it's all a bit new. Yeah, well, did
00:30:37.920 --> 00:31:30.119
you listen to the screentime episode? Because we've talked about the techniques you can use, why it's an issue, that the specific things are they need sleep, they need sleep so badly. So making sure that there's a kind of dead zone where there's no media at all, is one of the most important things that you can do. Certainly be distinctive about that. Yeah. What what are the little thing financial preparation, money management, we have an episode about giving your child and allowance that's working, I know that you didn't do that. It's worked incredibly well. For us. It's been. It's been transformative. Both my kids love it. And they're the one who was very spendthrift has turned into a real saver, really focused, they all know what the price of everything is. And when we go into the shops, they go, Whoa, okay, expensive. They're very, very conscious of it, which is great. It's been very helpful.
00:31:30.839 --> 00:31:43.140
My mind suddenly went to secondary school, they suddenly could stop at the sweet shop on break time, snacks are the bane of my life. Never have the coins, or the snacks every morning, oh, God,
00:31:44.250 --> 00:32:34.319
no, see mine, I've got a revolute card, and they do. So the other got another quick one, I have a daughter who's got educational differences. And I thought I had sent that report to the SENCO. I had informed them about it, I just figured that the whole school would know about it. And within a week, I discovered that the provisions that were supposed to replace, were not in place. So please don't ever assume that everyone in the school has got the message. If your child has very specific needs, you need to be honest, unfortunately, you actually, you can't assume the school's going to know. So you know, go in there straightaway with an email and just say, hi, just checking in, you've got this information.
00:32:34.470 --> 00:32:39.299
And kids when they're new, they usually don't want to put their hands up and say it to do they
00:32:39.450 --> 00:32:44.970
know exactly there is a mark them out. So just just be in the background.
00:32:41.460 --> 00:32:50.579
Don't don't wait in straight away, but at least cut touch points. Did you know can I just double check that you've made sure everybody knows this?
00:32:51.269 --> 00:32:56.099
Because you know your child and love your child more than anybody else in the world.
00:32:53.730 --> 00:33:01.769
They're not bad people, they just overwhelmed the school, overwhelmed with the amount of admin and the amount of kids they're having to get to know.
00:33:01.980 --> 00:33:07.769
So if you're the person, that parent who's helpful, who says, just wanted to touch me, just make sure you knew this. Yeah,
00:33:07.980 --> 00:33:12.690
yeah, no, I've had one of those kids who needed a laptop. And yeah, just for liking, it's really helpful for the teacher,
00:33:12.750 --> 00:33:38.069
exactly, just just, it's one less thing for for them to worry about. If children are struggling with a transition, they might not want to go to school, or refuse. They can feel sick on Sunday nights, it can present as physical things, or they can actually vomit. They may seem like they're not interested in the schoolwork or the activities.
00:33:38.069 --> 00:33:55.559
Now, this happened where my daughter things were going wrong at school. And she was just saying, oh, there is no homework. And I was saying I think there probably is, and there was a lot of stuff going on underneath that. And that's the time to don't leave it.
00:33:51.450 --> 00:34:07.230
Don't think, Oh, she'll figure it out. You want to get in as quickly as possible when things start to go a little bit wrong, because it's much easier to try and find solutions together.
00:34:07.380 --> 00:34:23.280
And that's also why it's so important that we take a chill pill as my kids would say, and don't you know, from our in control of our own, if we have any worries about them starting a new school, because they do pick up on it, and then it can turn then it can manifest itself and escalate.
00:34:23.429 --> 00:35:03.329
Yeah. So if they're saying they don't want to talk to you about their friends at school, or they don't, it could be they're just normal teenagers. It could be something more so just it's a light touch. Tell them that. If anything happens, I think what happens? The thing that I learned from my daughter was that she said, kids don't tell you things because they either think you don't really care about their viewpoint. Or that you're going to overreact. Yeah, you're going to judge you're going to judge so as long as you come across as the person who's going to do neither of those things. I and you're not going to march into the schooling demands things change either.
00:35:03.360 --> 00:35:06.269
That is key. That's key. Kids don't tell you things.
00:35:06.269 --> 00:35:12.510
If they think you're going to do that, yes. If they think you're going to go and make a big fuss, then they will shut down. Yeah.
00:35:12.539 --> 00:35:14.070
Because that is just mortifying.
00:35:14.099 --> 00:35:23.309
They want someone they can talk to who won't tell anyone? Yes. And that's important. That's what my kids get from me. They know that they I didn't tell my husband or something they don't want.
00:35:23.400 --> 00:35:36.929
Exactly. I think that's really key that you won't tell anybody? Yes. And that they can then trust it. Because they've seen that you don't tell anybody? Yes. And then if you need to tell somebody about something, then you ask their permission, you let them know
00:35:36.929 --> 00:35:54.269
exactly. And you. And what you do is you sit side by side with them and say, look out at the problem, say, ah, what do you think? Can we do this? Can we do that? So they feel supported? Like someone cares, and someone's there with them. And they're not having to do it all on their own, but that you're not paying too overwhelmed.
00:35:55.110 --> 00:36:10.739
And you can do that with the little things. I'm just thinking about that. That is super important, like that trust issue of asking for things like, and you can do that with a little things when they say to you like, I don't know, we've had this example. Don't, please don't show that photo to anybody, even if it's a funny, silly thing, or don't tell them.
00:36:10.920 --> 00:36:21.119
And then if they hear that you do or they hear that you've been chatting with your mates about it or done it anyway, because you think thought it wasn't important. It was just a silly thing. You've told their brothers or sisters. It's gone.
00:36:21.179 --> 00:36:23.280
It's gone. Gone. It's really important. And
00:36:23.280 --> 00:36:41.340
I've heard that you've heard that about my daughter's friends where she said, Oh, my daughter, my friend told her mum this one thing. And then Mom told other people, and it just blew her mind. And she will never talk to her about these things again, and it's it's not irretrievable if you have done something like that.
00:36:38.610 --> 00:36:41.340
Absolutely not is the top tip.
00:36:41.730 --> 00:36:47.340
Just say that was completely unacceptable of me. I'm so sorry. And show them how you fix a relationship when it goes wrong.
00:36:47.369 --> 00:36:49.530
Yeah, absolutely.
00:36:47.369 --> 00:36:50.849
But trust is good if you want them to open up. Yeah.
00:36:51.360 --> 00:37:26.219
So has your child transitioned easily? Or has it been a bumpy ride? If you enjoyed this episode, and found it helpful, why not share it with others posted on social media tell the school so they can tell other parents and hit the Follow button so you don't miss any of our episodes. If you want to delve into ones we've already recorded, you can search on our website. So use those keywords I mentioned. Just go to the website www.teenagersuntangled.com forward slash episodes. And there's a search bar there. You can also message us there. We're on Instagram and Facebook. Suzy has her own website. She's got some great blogs on there.
00:37:26.219 --> 00:37:41.579
Really interesting reading. It helps you but it's immersive. So you'll get more of the way that you think yes, yeah. Therapist excellent tips on calming your system. And she does consultations on like, what can what can you help people with?
00:37:41.610 --> 00:37:43.110
You're doing a consultation?
00:37:43.139 --> 00:37:47.550
Yeah. Good question.
00:37:43.139 --> 00:38:15.269
If people have a particular worry about family life that you know, being a parent, their kid, they feel out of balance. It could be a specific problem. Or it could just be a general anxious thing that they want to resolve tips with learning how to regulate your nervous system, practicing mindfulness so that we're not reactive and screeching the whole time. Stuff like that. Let's talk about that. doable, doable, usable things that can be
00:38:15.719 --> 00:38:17.610
integrated into your everyday life. Yeah.
00:38:18.449 --> 00:38:20.760
Brilliant. Okay, so her website is
00:38:20.789 --> 00:38:24.900
www dot a mindful hyphen. life.co.uk.
00:38:26.130 --> 00:38:28.860
She's also on Instagram, follow her talks.
00:38:28.889 --> 00:38:30.599
Lots of funny reels.
00:38:32.369 --> 00:38:33.000
Very funny.
00:38:34.679 --> 00:38:37.320
Alright, that's it for this week. Bye bye for now. Bye bye.
