From ‘Lazy’ to Motivated: Revision, Homework & Exams. How Parents of Teens Can Really Help

Rachel Richards: 0:24

Rachel, hello and welcome to teenagers. Untangled. The audio hug for everyone supporting anyone going through the tween and teen years. I'm Rachel Richards, mother of two teenagers and two older boneless daughters. Speaking of teenagers, I have one with me today, Amelia, my daughter. Hello, Amelia, studying hard for her a level progression exams in the UK, those are the ones that are used by universities to decide whether to offer a place or not. So no pressure, given how many listeners are in the thick of exam season, alreadying themselves for the future, I thought it would be great to get Amelia in to talk through what helps and what doesn't, please be kind to me, Amelia. And as a parent, the constant question on my mind is, am I doing enough or too much? And in our talk, we're going to be covering the difference between emotional support and pressure, how to motivate a teenager, how to give practical help that doesn't feel like you're trying to micromanage your teen. And in particular, Amelia has dyslexia and ADHD and her sister doesn't. So I'm hoping this advice will be helpful for those of you who've had a less straightforward path through the educational maze, Amelia, when you went up to secondary school, I think we had some battles over you not wanting to do your homework, didn't we do you remember that that was that was a bit. That was tricky. What was going on there. Do you think with me not wanting to do my homework? In fact, you saying that you didn't have any when you first went to secondary school, I was saying to you, so you know, when are you going to do your homework? You say, Oh, didn't get any. And I would say, wait what?

Amelia Richards: 2:00

Yes, sorry, I don't remember that.

Rachel Richards: 2:07

It's nice to play it just

Amelia Richards: 2:10

obviously wasn't that important to me. Yeah, I think probably what was going on is I couldn't be asked.

Rachel Richards: 2:15

But interestingly, why? Why do you think you just

Amelia Richards: 2:17

couldn't be asked? I think it was growing up. Academics was never really shown to me to be very important. I was kind of, do

Rachel Richards: 2:23

you think that's because you were dyslexic?

Amelia Richards: 2:25

Yeah. So I think I was kind of told that I was the more creative person and my sister was the academic person. And like, it was never really stressed to me that it was something which I had to do. So when I was going through my entry exams for my senior school, I remember when my sister went through them, she was revising, she was doing all that stuff, and it just never even crossed my mind to do that. You were both

Rachel Richards: 2:47

at the same school. Do you think it came from your parents? Do you think it came from the school or

Amelia Richards: 2:51

from all of us? Well, I think that first of all, so my the school that I went to had different classes. They had a scholarship class, which is what my sister was in. So I think that's one of the reasons why she was very like, why she was a lot more honest than I was. And then we had the, like normal classes, and then there were two normal classes. So there was the normal normal class, and then there was the bad normal class. And I was in the bad normal class. You saw it that way? Well, I mean,

Rachel Richards: 3:17

there were only, this is the problem, isn't it? Presumably, they do that just because they want kids

Amelia Richards: 3:21

to all be Well, I was in the kind of extra help class. It was more like these are students who we don't think are going to go on to have very academic futures. So we should stress other things. So I think, well, I mean, there were very, very few people in my class, and all of them were a bit special, including me, including me. But for example, there was one boy who was incredibly good at acting, and he was he had really bad ADHD, and he was also quite good at academics, but it was just never really his thing. So he spent a lot more time doing that kind of stuff than being told to do like homework and just stuff like that. So I think that's probably where it stemmed from, as well as, I think my parents, you guys, I think you might have subconsciously stressed me a bit more that it wasn't really my route to go down. And then also, when I was growing up, one of the most amazing things you did was that you stressed that effort was a lot more important than the grades that I got. I think that's a very, very good idea. Kind of backfired with me, though this

Rachel Richards: 4:30

is the hook, isn't

Amelia Richards: 4:31

it, because what we judged effort by was our class, our teachers gave out effort grades and grade grades. So what I would do is I'd try extremely hard in class. Looking back, it's so embarrassing, because I remember in history, I'd literally be jumping up my seat to answer questions in a nerd who didn't do very well in tests. So what I what I would do is I'd work very hard in my lessons, and then outside of lessons, I'd be like, Okay, well, no one's judging my effort here. So interesting, yeah, so there's no real reason for me to be working now. But yeah, I think that that's probably where that came from.

Rachel Richards: 5:06

I wanted to be honest about this, because I want listeners to know that it's easy to get it wrong or to sort of lose, you know, miss the miss the right track. Because I think children can be completely different. This is my first time doing this with you two kids, and we all make mistakes or. Or we don't even we're sort of thinking, Oh, this is the right thing to do, and then it's not quite right for that child.

Amelia Richards: 5:27

No, I completely agree. I completely agree. I think that it was a very, very good idea to stress effort over grades, because most people aren't a star students, and trying to force them to be a star students won't do anything except kill their spirit. So in general, I think that that's an amazing thing that you did, because no matter how hard I worked, I don't think I would achieve J stars on anything.

Rachel Richards: 5:49

And the thing is, you are smart, you're very smart, and you're actually quite capable. So what's changed? Because I've been looking at your studying lately, and it's incredible, the way that things have shifted. The listeners know that you took a year out when you were 16 because school wasn't working for you at all, and it was multiple factors. Do you think that that's had any impact, particularly on where you're at now?

Amelia Richards: 6:17

Well, I think at my old school, I definitely wouldn't have been working this hard or like this at all, why I was in not a very good state of mind. And you know, I wasn't really looking towards the future. It was more just like trying to escape the now, so that can have a massive effect on your ability to actually be able to work, caring about work as well. So I definitely, if I had stayed at that, I would, I probably would have failed my A levels. I'm going to be honest, we

Rachel Richards: 6:47

agreed with you that it was a good thing to take a break for a year, or it wasn't even at that time, we didn't know it was going to be a break from academics. We said, Fine, you know, let's just let let the pressure cooker off and you figure things out for a year. So we didn't even know that you were going to go back to anything academic.

Amelia Richards: 7:05

It was that academics weren't working out for me, and there were a lot of factors towards that. It wasn't that I was an academic and I was just like, I don't think this is a very good idea for me to stay doing academics, because I don't think that I'll do very well in them. So that meant that I decided to leave, and I was going to go to a media College in London called Access creative college. If anybody I'm not not sponsored by them or anything, but if anybody's thinking about going into a creative industry when they're older, definitely check out that. Yeah, which looked amazing. And I was like, Okay, well, this is perfect. And I was also looking at internships and apprenticeships that you can go into when you're 16. And my friend, who's just left college recently, she's now got an apprenticeship at a nursery, which was absolutely the right decision for her, because academics weren't working out for her either. Yeah, and I think that it's a really great decision to do that. If your kids want to, if your kids want to take a year out, definitely

Rachel Richards: 8:03

do that. And you know, they hard bake it into the education system in Ireland, that is normal that they give kids a year out at that age. Yes, don't isn't that incredible? That's amazing. Yeah, how amazing is that? Because, actually, I think that's smart. But anyway, let's go back to you.

Amelia Richards: 8:22

So I think that if I had gone straight from GCSEs to the college I'm at now, I think that I would probably be about the same place that I am now. Because I really wanted to do well. I really wanted to work and I, you know, I wanted that future. I remember over that summer, I was like, this year is going to be different. This year I'm going to completely I'm going to work so hard, I'm going to do really well my A levels, and then obviously I left school, so that really didn't work out very well. But, you know, I wanted to do all that stuff. I just didn't have the resources, yes, to be able to actually put

Rachel Richards: 8:55

that in action. And I think we need to really pause there. You actually wanted to do well. And I think this is one of the most important messages that all the experts try to get across is that I think parents think, Oh, they're not motivated. They're not doing anything. I need to push them. They don't want to do anything then. And actually, I think all kids want to do well. All kids

Amelia Richards: 9:15

want to do well, absolutely, but there's something going wrong there. If your kid isn't working, I can promise you, it's not because they don't care. There is other there's always other stuff happening. So maybe instead of trying to investigate what's going on academically and trying to push them to do well in their academics, you should take a step back and try and delve a little bit deeper into what's happening behind the scenes. I love that, yeah, because there is always something going on there, yeah. And maybe they should do what I did and take a year out and then try and, you know, regroup and then try again.

Rachel Richards: 9:45

Yeah, and because it's been formative and it's interesting. So coming back to what's happening now in terms of studying and doing your homework, I think there are key things that parents can do wrong, nagging over, controlling fear based pressure, comparison with others. What are your thoughts about those

Amelia Richards: 10:09

so starting off with nagging, nagging. Do not nag your child. Do not nag them at all. Give them reasons why they should want to work well, and I don't. When I say that, I don't. Mean, reasons like money and stuff like that, because that, like money is a nice idea. It would be great to have money when you you know you get if you get an A in your A levels, but that is not enough to carry you through a levels like what, let's say, you get 200 pounds. It's an insane amount for an A level, but you get 200 pounds if you get an A in your A levels, that's not going to carry you through all the work two years of working to an A standard that's not going to work. So when I say motivate them, I mean give them reasons to why they should want to work outside of, like, in the real world. So, find their why? Yes, exactly. So let's say your child whatever subjects your child has chosen for a levels, or if they haven't chosen a subject, and they're thinking about them, you know, think about why they've chosen that subject. Think about what they want to achieve out of their A levels, and then give them reasons to work towards that. So for example, with me, I'd really love to go to uni, I'm pretty motivated, at least at the moment, for that, the way that you can motivate me to want to work harder for that is by taking me around unis, showing me how amazing university life could be, showing me what can happen after uni and how amazing life could be. Also, this could be quite controversial, but showing me what could happen if it doesn't work out.

Rachel Richards: 11:45

I think that's not controversial. I think that's brilliant.

Amelia Richards: 11:48

I explain and not, not in a fear based way. Like, not in your life is going to be completely ruined more just like, Okay, so let's just go through what, what do you think your steps will be after if you, if you do badly, whatever you're the grade your child is working out. Like, what do you think you would do if you got this in your A levels? When they talk you through it that first of all, that might change your mind, because you might be you might think, oh, yeah, they have an amazing they have a really good plan. They thought this out. You know, a levels aren't going to work out for them, but what they've come up with for after a levels is a really good idea. So I'm going to step back and let them do their let them do their own thing. Or you can look at that and be like, okay, so they don't have a plan.

Rachel Richards: 12:31

I can fill in the gaps. I can give them the information. Because I think the one thing we parents have that our kids don't have is the depth of understanding of how life can pan out. We don't know. No one knows for sure, but we can give information, and we can help them see over the hill. So rather than try and push them and direct them, what we can do is say, What do you want? What? What are you expecting? What, what does this look like? And then help them see what that might look like in a positive way, as well as if they don't really have a plan, saying that actually, without these options. Here's what life might pan out like, and actually showing like. Let's say you leave now with no A levels or with no academics. So what kind of jobs could you get? And giving you an option, and I think your working really helped, didn't it? Because you've been working in the year out, and you're still working now, and what

Amelia Richards: 13:19

did that do for you? I've been able to see how people's lives have turned out, and how my life could turn out if I didn't do as well as I would want to? Yeah, there are some incredibly smart people at my job at the moment. There are some incredibly talented people who were working with me, and they are amazing at it, but it's not for me. It's not something that I would want to do with the rest of my life, and they love it, and I'm but it's just not something which I would you know

Rachel Richards: 13:45

exactly, and I think that do, and you could not have imagined that had you not been out at work exactly. And you get to meet people from different backgrounds, and you get to think, actually, this looked really interesting to me, but now I can see it would bore me, or this actually, I've seen this person doing this like and that, then they might inspire you. So I do think having some connection with the workplace can be really incredibly helpful, can't it, even if you're just volunteering also.

Amelia Richards: 14:11

So one of the amazing things that my college does, I go to this incredible State College near where we live, and what they do is they make every student complete work experience in the field which they would like to go to my work experience was amazing, because I ended up going to hospital, and I got to see patients, and I got to see how people actually worked in them, in the environment which I'd like to end up in. And I was just dumbfounded. And that spurred me on even more to want to do well in my study interesting, because I think three things, which I remember, is not fair, as in, if you do badly, this will happen to you, or I will do this to you. Fear, as in, what do you think that your life could turn out to be like if this grade, if these grades happen, and when you're showing when you're talking to your child about this, don't do it in an accusatory way. Don't do it in an aggressive way. Do it like in a questioning way. Yes, you know, yes. You want to actually find out what they would like.

Rachel Richards: 15:11

Then help them own it. Help them see

Amelia Richards: 15:13

it exactly. The second thing is motivation for what they would like to achieve in their life. So, you know, being taking me, taking me around you. Unis, me going to get that work experience in the hospital. Those were all incredible things, and those were very, very motivating.

Rachel Richards: 15:30

And then maybe we could talk a bit about control, because I was having lunch chatting with some other mums the other day, and one of them mentioned this new AI app where you can see exactly what your kids are, all their homework assignments are, and you can check all their grades, and you can sort of coordinate it all. And I could feel myself getting really stressed listening to this, and I know that this is something a lot of parents feel that they want to have. My question to you is, to what extent do you think parents should be really overseeing the homework and controlling what they do, when they do it, checking up on whether they're doing the work.

Amelia Richards: 16:09

Well, I think it depends on which way they're doing it. So for example, I've just had Easter break, and I had a bunch of homework assignments. I have done every single one of them, but I've completely forgotten to upload them. And I have got emails that have been sent at my school. We don't get detentions and stuff. We get record systems. So I've got two records for not doing my homework. If you saw that, you might immediately think, Oh, my God, my my child is just completely neglecting her studies, you know, all this stuff. But I have, I have 100% done it

Rachel Richards: 16:45

so well. But this is a really, really important point, because when I interviewed the man about ADHD, he did actually say one of the things we can do as parents is just, I think, navigating school portals, managing homework. So in other words, not trying to sit over you and make sure you do it, but making sure that it's been uploaded when it needs to be uploaded, that sort of stuff. We could be doing more of. Do you think I should be checking in on you and saying, Hey, did you manage to upload your homework at the end of the day? Just as a reminder? Well, I think I

Amelia Richards: 17:15

could get very annoying very quick. This is the problem,

Rachel Richards: 17:17

isn't it, because you really push back very hard whenever I try and and move in. And I think each child has to be, you know, related to individually, don't they? So in other words, I think it can really help for a parent to say, Would you like me to do this?

Amelia Richards: 17:33

Yeah, absolutely. And I think just helping your child be more structured and about control, I think it really depends on what type of control you cannot get angry at the grades your child has got. You can't get angry at them not doing their homework. That sounds very bad of me to say, but your relationship will not be good if your child is living in fear of you. Yeah, I can promise you

Rachel Richards: 18:01

that, but presumably the penalty will come from the school anyway, exactly

Amelia Richards: 18:06

so that it's really I this sounds weird for me to say as well, but it's not your job to be checking up on them. 24/7, I would say, check in with them every now and then to make sure that stuff is happening to me, it can be really interesting to see how your child is. Like what doing right

Rachel Richards: 18:25

position of interest in how they get what their

Amelia Richards: 18:27

interest okay? And if your child isn't doing their homework, maybe instead of your first thought being they just don't care about their studies. It should always be, what is going on here? It's never a simple answer. There's always stuff going on under the surface. I cannot stress this enough. Always try and figure out what else is happening, which is

Rachel Richards: 18:43

meaning that they're not doing their homework. I think that's so right. It could be relational with their friends or with their teacher. It could also just be procedural, where they're not sure how to access certain things. There are lots and lots of things that can fall down, and we should never jump to my kids lazy. They don't care any of that stuff. I completely agree. Trust them. Trust them. Trust that they want to do well. I love that, and I think that absolutely is what all the experts say, too. And if it's

Amelia Richards: 19:09

repeated and they're just never doing it, there is something going on. There is something going on, probably with their mental health, which you need to check up on that isn't related to school. And when, again, when I can't stress this enough, when you're checking up on their mental health. Don't do it. And I've just had a fear response that my child has it, has got bad mental health. Don't. Don't be emotional about it. You need to take a step back and think about, you know, if that was you, what would you want your parent to say? What would you want your parent to do? They just like, if you just interested in your child's life, just ask questions. Yeah, you know, try and figure out what's going on in a way that's not accusatory or stressed out or, you know, mean, don't make your child think that, you know there's going to be consequences for them telling you stuff. And also, don't make your child think that you will get upset over

Rachel Richards: 19:57

them having 100% they shouldn't have to manage your emotions, because the problem is, we can overreact, we can panic, and that will just load on the pressure. So we need to stay calm, don't we? We need to have these conversations where we have managed to calm ourselves first, and that we can think, okay, if I'm going to go and scream or get upset, I'm going

Amelia Richards: 20:15

to do it somewhere else. And again, everybody gets a stuffer on if you have done that, don't feel bad about that. My. Has done that countless times. It's never really had a negative effect, to be honest. You know, it's been a bit like, oh, what's going on here? Like, I've done something wrong and I feel really bad about it, you know. And it's never, it's never the best way to approach it, but it's never the end of the world. So don't beat yourself up over mistakes that have happened.

Rachel Richards: 20:39

Yeah, and you've been amazing at coming back to me and having conversations with me when I've done things wrong or when, when we've had a rupture, we you know you're brilliant at getting those conversations going. It's never that you've

Amelia Richards: 20:51

done something wrong. Never look at it like I've done something wrong by saying this thing to my child, you should look at it from a perspective as this is my first time parenting. Yeah, no matter how many children you have, it's always your first time parenting. And I might not be grade a parent, but nobody is. And you know, there's always a reason that that's happened,

Rachel Richards: 21:13

yes, and I think if you come come at it in good faith that you love your child and that you just trying to do your best, and you are able to have conversations and able to apologize when it goes wrong, I think that relationship can flourish from those those even when we do things that don't work out. I think I'll just hand it over to you, Amelia, you're brilliant at this. What about things like just getting started? I do wonder whether sometimes we can build it up to being something too big, because sometimes these assignments can be feel massive and and weighty, and kids can think, I just don't even want to start because it looks too much. I think parents one of the best things we can do is, I think motivation comes from action. So once you've already started. My yoga teacher used to say, just stand on the mat. Don't Don't worry about how much you're going to do. Don't build it up to I've got to get an A get on a mat, get started Absolutely So

Amelia Richards: 22:05

today, for example, I, you know, I've got exams in two days. I, you know, it's and they're very stressful exams, because they're my progression exams, as my mom's already said. But I was sitting in my bedroom this entire afternoon thinking, Oh, my God, I have so much to do, and I got nothing done because I was so stressed out over the fact that I had so much to do. So the best way to get somebody to do something when they're in a spiral like that is so we've got a specific we've got a little room which everybody goes in to do their work. If I just sit in that room, that will immediately get myself in the right headspace to be able to do that work. It's just, you just need to take it step by step,

Rachel Richards: 22:41

always step by step. Yeah, I think just lowering the bar just to get started be in the place, you know, the have the light that you always switch on when you're going to study. You know, you've seen lots of things. You've been doing, this amazing thing where you film yourself, some of the things that you've been using to really help yourself. Because I've kept saying, right, I'm going to take your phone away.

Amelia Richards: 23:01

So I'm, yeah, so I've got multiple apps on my phone to try and actually keep me off my phone when I'm studying. To be honest, none of them have really worked for me. I know a lot of them have worked very well for other people. But what happens is, I just say, I just end the floor session, and then, you know, it kills the tree that I spent 45 minutes growing. But you know, it's I can go on my phone, yes, but what I've done is I've now got, this is gonna sound really weird, but my friends and I, we have a little Tiktok account. It's only got my closest friends on it, because it's very embarrassing to be posting that kind of stuff up with random people. So yeah, I film myself revising and studying, and then I make a little montage of my day, and then I post it to that. And then everyone's like, Amelia, how the hell did you manage to do the stuff? I'm so impressed, just stuff like that. And then it's like, it makes me feel really good about what I've done in the day. And it also keeps me off my phone when I'm working. And I at the end of the day, I can actually look back on myself working and think to myself, wow, I've done so much dark look.

Rachel Richards: 24:03

And you have you been working so hard, it's been incredible for people who are panicking, going, oh my goodness, this is this sounds awful, because she's got no control over her phone use. And I would say that it's always better to take away the phone, always. And with your sister Phoebe, that was what I was having to do. She was using Flora but, and she's very disciplined, but she was much happier when I took away her phone. It's child specific. You know, you're older now, I think if you were 13, I'd be taking away, yeah, but I think 13

Amelia Richards: 24:31

you shouldn't be working as hard as I'm working.

Rachel Richards: 24:33

Yeah, no, absolutely, and also, but I think what I want to say is that you're at a stage now where I'm very mindful that you are going to do really well in your exams and go away to university, which means you're then going to have to manage these things on your own. And I think one of the jobs of a parent is to look ahead to the future and think, rather than trying to hyper manage everything, I need to allow you to figure out things, ways to help yourself, right? Yeah, because, you know, Phoebe's away at university, and she, she doesn't have someone taking her phone away. So you, you can't rely on this once a child's going away, so you have to gradually allow your child to have their own systems in place. Don't you think I agree? Yeah, it's really important. So what about, you know, being an ally? How it can a parent perform as an ally rather than a man? Manager? Am I? Am I an ally or a manager?

Amelia Richards: 25:25

Depends on the day, I would say that you're definitely more of an ally than a manager. So I think the main thing is the your child can't be scared of you. You, if you've got a bad really relationship, it's probably around the fact surrounding the fact that they're scared of you, or that when they're around you, they feel attacked. This is not me saying that you're a bad parent because of that, if you have a bad relationship with your child, and I'm not blaming you. And I'm not blaming you, it's everybody's first time parenting, no one's got it figured out. So being a manager, for example, would be taking my phone away from me when I'm trying to do work without asking me first, not trying to figure out what my needs are, but putting yourself in your position and thinking what your needs would be in my position when, if you were me, that would be more of a manager, because two people are never the same. You never had the same needs. So if you, if you look at your child who's trying to work or trying to do anything really, and you're like, Oh, if I was in that position, I would want my parent to do this, or I would need my phone to be taken away, or I would need, you know, strict rules on how much I have to revise a day. There's just that kind of stuff. I think that that would never work, because everybody's different. Yeah, I think that's

Rachel Richards: 26:33

absolutely right. Before, I didn't spend all my time with my bonus daughters, your older sisters, when they were going through this, but I had some of my time with them when they were studying. And you are all very different. And I think that the most important thing is tuning into what your child wants and ask them. Ask them, you know, is this working? Try it out. If it doesn't work, try something different. The main aim is like, Are you studying? Do you feel motivated? Are you happy? One thing you have said to me is actually knowing where my your meals are, so that you can plan around them is very important, right? Any other little tips? What about sleep times, things like that?

Amelia Richards: 27:06

Well, I would say, take your kids phone away from them when they're sleeping. Yeah, for sure. I mean, you know, that's kind of a bit contradictory to what I just said about, you know, I think, yeah, overnight, it's quite important, critical, yeah, to have their phone away and take your phone away from yourself when you're sleeping as well. That's our deal, isn't it? Yeah, if my mom's taking my phone, she has to put her phone outside as well, because her sleep is just important as my sleep just as important. So why would that mean that she will get to keep her phone? And I wouldn't. So you know, lead by example, the worst phrase you can say is, do as I say, not as I do.

Rachel Richards: 27:39

What do you mean like? And I do think that one of the other things that's really important at home is that you are getting enough stress at school, and I think that we don't want a really stressy household, so because it can kill motivation, can't it, and it's just decompressing, giving an environment where you feel completely safe and not that you know you're going to have To protect yourself from stressy parents. What about parents checking up on grades all the time? I mean, I've never really done this, but I know that there are parents who will say to their kids, I expect an A from you. What have you got? You know, when you're coming home with a grade and it's not a grade you were hoping for, if a parent then says, Well, what's your grade and then makes you feel shameful about it?

Amelia Richards: 28:23

Well, this goes back to what I was saying about the whole living in fear situation. You won't we will never have a good relationship with your teenager. If your teenagers in fear of you, you like that. It's just it's impossible picking up on grades. I think it's a good idea to want to you know. It's nice to know where your child's at. It's nice to for the and also for them to share it with you. So, for example, with you, my mom, I tell you any grade I get, I will tell you, because it's also it's nice for me. If I get a bad grade, it's like, it's a stress release, you know, yeah, I don't want to think, okay, if I'm going to tell you this grade, I'm going to get shout out or anything like that, or that you even that, you're going to be disappointed in me. Like, for example, I didn't, I don't really tell my dad the grades that I get, because I know that he would get disappointed in me, or he would start comparing me to my sister. That's just that just makes people feel bad, I think. And you know, I don't want to get bad grades. Nobody wants to get bad grades. But it happens. It will always happen, other than to Phoebe, who's my sister?

Rachel Richards: 29:23

Darling. She failed to driving test

Amelia Richards: 29:25

three times, best day of my life. No, I'm joking. Yeah, checking off on grades. You want your you want your child to want to share that with you. Yeah, instead of you having to find it out through means, you know, of looking at their their portal, or looking at the whole AI thing, which collects everything into one place you want them to want to tell you, instead of them having to tell you, or them being scared of

Rachel Richards: 29:49

you knowing your mentor, sit side by side with a look out at the world. What's it doing? How are you coping with it?

Amelia Richards: 29:55

What your job as a parent, from my perspective, is to help your child understand the world and, you know, live through life the way that they want to live it. You cannot help somebody who doesn't want help. You can't control somebody who

Rachel Richards: 30:07

doesn't want to be controlled. And you don't want to be controlled

Amelia Richards: 30:11

Exactly, yeah, and you know, there are a lot of things which have happened in the past, which you see of how see is helping me, but I see as controlling me, it will never help me. All it will do is. Make me feel bad, and we've kind of without we've got to that understanding that has taken a very long time. So, yeah, you are still in that place we hold the faith.

Rachel Richards: 30:31

Yeah, exactly. And if your child is pushing back at you, fighting you, that you know, maybe because you have been the kid that's taught me the most in a really positive Yeah, we were

Amelia Richards: 30:43

talking about this. We were talking about this. The other day. We were in the car, and my mom goes, Oh, I'm really glad I had you, Amelia, because otherwise I would have thought that I was the perfect mother, and I sent a challenger.

Rachel Richards: 30:53

Yeah, you stopped me being smug, but it's great. I'm really happy because I just I adore you, and I think you're brilliant teaching me how to parent you, and that's actually quite a thing in itself. So you know, don't underestimate your power with that. It's amazing. Are there any other tips you'd like to give to parents who are listening at the moment, who is in the house with the kids, there's lots of stress about the exams, and what should they Is there anything else you'd like to

Amelia Richards: 31:19

tell them? Well, okay, so first of all, if you're feeling stressed over your teenagers exam, something's going wrong here. You shouldn't be stressed because of you, because you're scared of what grade they will get. That should not be happening. I think that if that's happening, you should probably take a seat and think, Okay, why is this happening? Why am I getting stressed? This isn't that happens to a lot of people. Do you think that you should unpack that a little bit and try and try to think why it matters to you so much? And then maybe you should share it with your teenager on why it matters to you so much, so then they could be more understanding to why you're stressed over their exams. And then I would also just like to reiterate, because there are a lot of teenagers who aren't working and who aren't, and their parents are looking at them and they're like, Oh, you're just not doing any work. You know, you must be lazy and stuff like that. Never the case. Everybody wants to do well, nobody looks at, for example, I know this is a bit extreme, but nobody looks at a homeless person is like, oh, I want to be them.

Rachel Richards: 32:17

You're absolutely right. And I think they just get stuck Exactly. They get stuck for some

Amelia Richards: 32:21

reason always, there's always a deeper meaning. And if that's happening, I really think that you should be unpacking that, and not coming from a perspective of why aren't you doing work, coming from a perspective of what's going on in your life, which is going wrong, what's good, and then that will lead you to the answer of why they're not working hard, and then you can resolve that. I want to stress that so so deeply, because that is something which a lot of parents miss out yes, when they're looking at their child and they're just not doing any work, their immediate response is they just don't care. They're just lazy. No, there's always more that's happening. Darling. That's so beautiful. It really is. It's so beautiful.

Rachel Richards: 32:57

And actually, that's what Ned Johnson said, That's what David Jaeger said. So I think that's the perfect thing to end this conversation on. Amelia, thank you so much for sparing a bit of time this afternoon to have this conversation to help other parents and other teenagers. If you found this useful, please make sure you send it to at least one other parent right now or another teenager, because I think teenagers might benefit from hearing this too, because it may give them a chance to open up the conversation with their parent if they feel that they haven't had that chance. You can find me on www.teenagersuntangled.com you can email me at teenagersuntangled@gmail.com and I'm on sub stack, and I do a more extended sort of think pieces, and I also give the top tips from every episode. So if you want to kind of list of the top things, you can find them there. And that's teenagersuntangled.substack.com, that's it for now. Amelia is going to say one more thing.

Amelia Richards: 33:50

I just wanted to add this in, because I think this is very important. If you're listening to this podcast, you are already trying, so don't look at anything that you've done as bad, because it's all a learning curve, and it's your first time living too. Nobody gets us all right. So I just want to stress that again,

Rachel Richards: 34:09

so that's the difference between shame and guilt. So guilt is is where you think I've done something wrong. I can fix it. This is what I'll do. Shame is where you just carry this weight around with you. You just feel terrible about yourself, and it doesn't motivate you to do anything. Just makes you feel terrible. I love that. It's a beautiful sentiment, Amelia, and I totally agree with you. Thank you. That's it for teenagers. Untangled for this week, bye bye, Amelia Bye, A big hug from me. Bye bye. You. You you. And.