You're doing better than you think - your big hug community catch up

Hello? Hello. It's your community catch up. I'm Rachel Richards. We're all hanging out on Substack if you want to join in. And this week, I want to talk about something that I find quite upsetting. And it's a word that a few of you have used this week which is failing or failure. And this it just it breaks my heart. And the reason it breaks my heart is because I think it comes from a mindset that doesn't help us and is causing more problems than it needs to. So I've been thinking about what's going on when we think about failing as a parent. And there are a few things. So one of them is that we look around us as an individual and we see this sort of social media version of parenting, which is really good. And we also see sort of friends who seem to be doing things really well. So we see our friends posting on social media about their kids getting through to a good university, or getting into a good school or winning an award. Um, we see them going on holiday together and having a great time. And so we think about that and we see something that's really wonderful. And then we look in our own lives and it's a mess. Like our house is a mess. Our kids want to be on social media all the time or on their devices all the time, and I keep losing my rag. I'm not getting good food on the table, whatever it is. And then we judge ourselves by these, what I think of fake standards. And I say, I think, I mean, I know they're fake standards. And the reason I say that is it's not that people are being deliberately misleading, is that obviously we curate our lives and we know that people do this, but we still fall into the trap. And I'm in this incredible position where I get to see behind the curtains of so many people's lives, and I see those parents who've got their kids that the best universities. I see, the parents who've got the award winning kids who are in, I don't know, the best sports teams or they're in the choir or whatever. But I also see the real struggles that they go through and the real problems that they're facing. And trust me, with all battling with things on a day to day basis. So please don't look at other people and judge yourself by what you're seeing because it's it's not real. So that's the first one. And I think that some of us are like, I think about parenting as a journey. And it's not a sprint, it's not a marathon. Because the thing about a marathon is you. It finishes and someone wins. And that's not how parenting works. It's actually more like yoga, and yoga is something. It's a practice you turn up every day or you turn up when you do. And the whole point is your journey. So you start where you start and you make the progress you make in comparing yourself with somebody else, someone else on another match who is doing handstands and, um, bending all over the place. It's not the right approach, because that's not how yoga works. If you get what I mean. So it's a journey, and I think parenting is a journey. It's a never ending journey. And all we can do is creep forward. And some days you'd fall backwards and then you you grow. Every time we have problems, we grow. So I want you to think about it in that way. And I think another thing that happens is the audience. And what I mean by audience is we have an audience in our own heads. And that audience, let's say our kid, and starts shouting, they are the kids are having a massive argument, particularly if it's in public. And and we look at it and we think we look around and think, oh, no, no. And we feel judged and we end up thinking, what kind of parent am I? If my kids do x, y, z? You know, this happens. So do you find a vape in your child's bed? What kind of parent am I that has a child who does these things? And it's so funny because the Greeks actually had something like this in Greek tragedies where they had a chorus who, you know, you wouldn't see the stuff happening in front of you. They the, the chorus would comment on the unfolding story and they'd go, oh, and they'd give their opinions. And, um, I think when we hear these opinions, when we hear ourselves going, oh, or that that imaginary person going, oh, what I'd like you to do is change it to, ah. So why did my child do this thing? Why are they arguing and actually ask them? Don't make assumptions. Because I did this with my first round of kids. With my my bonus or stepdaughters. I would often look at them and I'd see them as these aliens and think, you know, what are you doing? And I'd go and read books about it and try and work it out. And actually, it would have just been so much better if I'd said, hey, girls. What? You know why? Why do you think this is happening? And let them help me understand them? So and the truth is, this happens all the time. So it even happened last night. I was dropping my daughter at her workplace, and on the way there, I started thinking about the fact that why am I still having to drive this child around? She's 17. She should be able to drive. And I then thought about all the people I knew who have 17 year old kids who are now driving. And then I started criticizing my own parenting. Like, what am I doing wrong that my child is in this position? And then I stopped because I heard the loop happening. And this is the trick. We have to put a speed bump in the road and think, wait, I'm having this conversation with myself. First of all, it's not helping me or my child because now I'm angry with my child. Secondly, is it true? And the thing is, it's not true. Because over this past year, my daughter has been growing in the most extraordinary ways. I mean, I constantly think, wow, this is incredible what she's achieved. And those are incremental small steps which have all added up. So looking at one particular measure and thinking she should have got there by now is really counterproductive. It means I'm shooting all over myself. So think about that, I think. Am I shooting rather than I could? And the third thing I think that happens is experts. The thing about experts is that they come on my program and they make these fantastic suggestions. And I'm so grateful to them. So, so, so grateful because I am learning all the time and I'm loving it. But here's the thing. Not every single thing they do or say will relate to me in my family, because all families are different. Everybody is coming at this parenting journey from a different perspective. So if you have five kids and a partner who's not helping you, someone who has one child and a full on partner is not going to be able to give you the advice that you need in this particular moment in time. And I say this particular moment in time, because what I want you to think about with the podcast is that you are going to hit bumps that you may not foresee. And I suggest you listen to all of the episodes if you want to, but you don't have to. When you hit a bump, look for the episode that corresponds with that bump and listen to that and see if there's anything in it that can help you. And I say that because every family is going to be constructed in a different way, and there's no one right answer. And that's the thing that I think is so important to understand. There's no expert that can tell you how to do this, right. Because they are not living your journey. You. Are the expert. You know your own family set up and what will or won't work for you and your family and the children that you have. And your children are individuals. They're not some carbon copy that. We can sit or someone we can superimpose our ideas on. So the important thing, I think, is to remember that all of these experts are giving us their best information, but their best information as well was written down in a nice, quiet room when they were focused. You know, like I've got, you know, I don't know how they did it, but they will have actually had writing time. They're not trying to do this while the pot is boiling over, or they've just found out their child is talking to some stranger on the internet, right? They are not writing when they're dysregulated. So remember that it's best practice. It's not everyday practice. It's not something that people are doing literally all the time. It's what people are trying to aim for and we are going to be dysregulated. We're going to get angry. We're going to find it very stressful. We're going to come up against problems that we can't seem to solve, and they can't be solved now. They take time to unpick. So if you're in one of those moments and you're thinking it's all gone to hell. I don't know what I'm doing. Don't think you've failed. Think, ah. This is turbulence. And I'm going to go back to the podcast or to someone who knows what they're talking about and see if they have some good suggestions. But at the end of the day, you're the expert. Keep growing your expertise. Trust yourself. So the two things I really think we have to focus on is get routines into place that help us to not have to constantly think about things and get to know your child better than anyone else in the world. Be curious. Go! Ah! Instead of oh, and that's my advice for this week. What do you think? Have you been shooting all over yourself? Has this helped? Are there other things that you would like me to talk about? Let me know I'm here. Um, and if you want to have some tips about how to best use the podcast, message me on Substack or teenage Son tangled at gmail.com. Tell me what it is that you're battling with or that you're not sure about that particular time, and I can tell you which one to listen to, because of course, I know all my episodes, and I've had a mother just this last week who did that? She just said, oh, you know, the thing that I'm struggling with is my kids are starting to go out and I, you know, I want to know what they're doing, and I want them to tell me, so how do I do that? And I said, okay, well, you could start start with the one on risk taking. And the good news about risk taking teens, and also maybe the one about lying because you want to make it possible for your kids to talk to you about things. And kids do lie and they will lie. You've got to assume that's going to happen. So how do we manage this? And how do we make sure they tell us the things that really matter? Right. So I can do that for you if you want printouts of the show and some of the best tips from each show or from a particular episode, I do that in my paid subscription service. So you can just message me and I will create a PDF which relates to a particular episode if there isn't one already in the stash, if that makes sense. That's it. Have a great week! Big hug from me. Thanks for being here. Thanks for listening. You're great. Bye bye.