If you know the film Mean Girls you're no stranger to the concept that teen friendship groups can be fraught with problems. Whilst the film illustrates an extreme version of the issue any parent of girls will be familiar with the angst they can cause. With the help of the book Queen Bees and Wannabes by Rosalind Wiseman, Susie and I look at how you can coach your daughter positively through this tumultuous time. Below are top tips I gleaned from the book:
Wiseman breaks down the structure of these groups into roles.
The Queen Bee - the one who sets the tone for the group, and holds control.
The Sidekick - the one who backs up the Queen Bee.
The Banker - The one who collects information on members and uses it like a currency.
The Messenger - The one who passes on information to try and make peace between girls.
The Pleaser/Wannabe - The one who tries to please the others regardless of what she loses in the process.
The Torn Bystander - The one who sees what's happening but feels powerless to say anything.
The Target - The one who is undermined to consolidate power.
The Champion - The one who manages to have friends in different groups.
Power is wielded through teasing and gossip.
An excellent video to watch with your teen:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1zx11-9RU2U
The job of the parent is to help your daughter recognise what's happening and help her to strategise.
How to do this:
S: Stop and strategise.
E: Explain to 'mean girl' what it was that she doesn't like about the way she has been treated.
A: Affirm her right to exist without being humiliated.
L: Lock in/Lock out of the relationship.
Bill of Rights:
· What does she want and need in a friendship? Trust, reliability..
· What are her rights in a friendship? To be treated respectfully, with kindness and honesty.
· What are her responsibilities? To treat her friends ethically.
· What would a friend have to do or be like for her to end the friendship?
· What are her friend’s rights and responsibilities? To listen, even when it’s not easy to hear.
See www.culturesofdignity.com for more information.
HOW TO GET YOUR TEEN TO KEEP GOING PAST THE FIRST HURDLE:
Research by Seligman, Peterson and Duckworth. shows that the most successful people have seven key character traits.
· Zest
· Grit
· Self-control
· Hope-optimism
· Curiosity
· Gratitude
· Social intelligence
GRIT: something we develop, mostly through encountering failures that aren’t soul-crushing.
RESILIENCE: is the ability to bounce back. The brain actually changes as a result of our experiences.
Teach your teen that losing is something you do, not something you are. Mistakes are:
• Impersonal
• Specific
• Short term
Self-acceptance: makes the person OK no matter what. Ways to coach self-acceptance:
· Validate and coach through all their emotions.
· Model and teach positive self-talk
· Use mindfulness to notice – not judge – our children.
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Susie is available for a free 15 minute consultation, and has a great blog:
www.amindful-life.co.uk