Dec. 2, 2025
Top Friendship Tips for Teen Girls: Lessons from Real-Life Sisters.
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It's our connections, whether friends or partners, that make us want to get up and face our challenges every day. So when kids start a new school, college or university it's a time when friendships become the most important thing.
With Phoebe about to leave for university, and Amelia recently started at a new college we thought it would be a great time to reflect on the evolving nature of friendships.
In the conversation, the girls emphasize the importance of having a range of friends who suit the different sides of our personality, and the value of not being overly dependent on any one friend.
They also discuss the impact of social media on friendships, the challenges of making new friends in new environments, and the importance of being open and vulnerable in friendships.
Amelia advises against overthinking friendships and suggests focusing on personal growth during periods of loneliness.
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00:00 - Introduction: Navigating Teen Friendships and Transitions Rachel introduces the session, highlights the transitional phase for Phoebe and Amelia, and sets the stage for an open discussion on friendship during significant life changes.
02:14 - Defining Friendship: Diverse Connections and Personal Growth The group discusses what friendship means during teen years, the value of having different friends for different needs, and lessons from early childhood experiences.
03:57 - Coping with Change: When Friendships Shift or End Phoebe and Amelia share stories of friendship loss, the pain and growth that result, and tips for spreading yourself among different friends.
05:11 - Best Friend Qualities: Giving, Receiving, and Setting Expectations The conversation explores the importance of reciprocity, being a good friend, avoiding insecurity, and understanding that every friendship is unique.
06:52 - Overcoming Loneliness: How Teens Can Thrive Solo Advice for teens experiencing periods with few or no friends—viewing these times as opportunities for self-discovery and personal development.
07:36 - Parental Guidance: How Parents Can Support Friendless Teens Practical tips for parents on supporting their children through lonely periods without giving unsolicited advice or diminishing their feelings.
09:22 - Friendship in the Digital Age: Social Media’s Double-Edged Sword A discussion around how social media shapes teen friendships, both positively and negatively, and the complexities of maintaining relationships online.
15:27 - Making New Friends: Strategies for Starting Fresh at School or College Phoebe and Amelia offer actionable advice for building new friendships, making an effort, and overcoming initial awkwardness in new environments.
18:18 - Friendship Expectations: Managing Hopes and Preventing Disappointment Discussion on setting healthy expectations, dealing with one-sided friendships, and the emotional pitfalls of expecting too much.
24:00 - Real Friendships vs. Idealized Friendships in Books and Media Comparing fictional depictions of friendship with reality and learning to cope with these differences.
26:59 - Self-Worth and Friendship: Avoiding Neediness and Building Confidence Insight into the importance of self-confidence, avoiding desperation, and making peace with being alone.
32:29 - Can Online Friendships Be Meaningful? Remote vs. In-Person Connections Examining whether deep connections are possible over social media and what makes remote friendships work.
34:25 - Social Media Etiquette: Managing Digital Dynamics in Friendships Discussing best practices for posting, commenting, and navigating the social pressures of online interactions.
36:29 - Common Friendship Mistakes: What Not to Do in Your Teenage Years Tips for avoiding common pitfalls—overanalyzing, clinging to one person, and expecting too much from others.
40:38 - Final Thoughts: Personal Growth, Farewells, and Encouragement Closing reflections on nurturing yourself, growing from every experience, and sending best wishes to listeners.
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A quick confession. I recorded this just before Phoebe went to university. Misplaced the SD card. Now I found it, and she's about to come home, but it's still wonderful. Hello and welcome to teenagers. Untangled the audio hug for parents going through the tween and teen years, where we start from a position that you're the world expert on your child, you're just missing important information to do your best. I'm Rachel Richards, journalist, parenting coach, mother of two teenagers and two bonus daughters. Speaking of teenagers, ah, they're in the studio. Hello, Phoebe. Hello, Amelia. Hi. I have brought them back in again because, well, I love talking about friendships.
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And Phoebe is just about to leave for university tomorrow.
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And Amelia only just recently started at a new college, and I just thought, what a nice time to reflect back on how you make friends, how those friendships tend to change, and how making friendships changes as well as you progress through teenage years. How does that sound?
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Girls? Yeah, good, good. Okay.
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How would you each describe what friendship means to you at this stage?
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Get right in there.
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Yeah, that's quite a loaded question. Yeah.
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Well, I remember when you were little, I always used to say to you, I see my friendships as I don't have just like a best friend or one friend for things. I tend to have friends who offer me? Yeah, I
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think that's that is really the best approach. I mean, I look at all of my relationships like that, I think everyone has something to offer, but you shouldn't be dependent on someone you know, like different friends serve different purposes. Not that it's transactional, but you know, you might have one friend that you, you know, have loads and loads of fun with, and you're super childish with, and then you have another friend that you have serious discussions with, and just because you can't do that with another friend doesn't mean that you know that they're less valuable, or that they don't have play an important role in your life. It's just that they're not, they're not suitable for that one thing.
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Yeah. So, yeah. I mean, like, I had one friend when I was really young. I was probably about seven, and she was my best friend, and I literally poured everything into her. And you know, she was my favorite person at school, and then one day, she just dropped me,
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yeah, I think she found it was a bit too intense, yeah, didn't she? And I think you were devastated,
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yeah, it really was, yeah. I remember like she just found new friends, and she was in the above so she had friends her own age, yes. But I felt really
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neglected, I know. And it really, really was a hard lesson to learn. And I think the problem is, when you put so much into relationship or friendship, then it can feel just way harder to then understand why they didn't. She just wasn't getting the same thing.
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And when they do pull away, or if they do pull away, then it's a lot more hard to deal with than if you have if you spread yourself out and you have lots of friends for different things,
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yeah, but that's easier said than done, isn't it? When you're younger, what do you think Amelia? Was it harder when you were younger to be more rational about it?
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I mean, I feel like, I feel like Phoebe's experience is kind of different. When I was younger, I didn't really think about that kind of stuff, like I was friends but it wasn't like, I mean, I guess it was, but it wasn't that big of a deal to me, if you got what I mean, I just, I think the most important thing to remember with friends is that everything changes. Like, if you're not as close to somebody right now, you know, you never know in five years or five months, you might become like, super close to them, and you can never see that coming. And different people will be coming into your life at different times. And most of the time, people come into your life when you need them the most, and which is really useful. And just like, keep in mind, I think, I also think another important thing to remember is that you need to give what you want to get back.
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Yes, 100% really important. It's like, am I want a good friend? But am I being a good
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yeah, I
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that's such good policy.
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And you know, you know the type of friend he you want in somebody you need to be that as well. So, like, if you so as Phoebe was saying, she she has different friends for different things. You know, you need to make sure that you are that as well, yeah. And make sure that people getting from you what you're getting from them, if you get what
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I mean, yeah. And also, don't feel insecure in your own relationships if you see that other people have relation like friendships, yeah, the friendships that are different, like with a different dynamic, don't feel like that makes your one mean less.
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Yeah, other people's, other people's relationship, don't diminish your own.
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Yeah, exactly because I am in, I'd say, quite a small friend group, and we're all very close. Oh, I will. My old school. We're still friends, obviously, but, um, there are two in the group. I mean, there are three or four of us who are very close, but there are two who are very, very close, and they're inseparable. They fight like a married couple, but they're, you know, they're so they're really, really close, and I've never let myself feel threatened by them. It would be really easy to feel very insecure about my relationship with each of them independently, because they're so close, but I've never really felt threatened by that, because I know that, you know, they have their own thing, and that my relationship with them is separate to, you know, mine with each one of them is completely separate to their own relationships, and they and they wouldn't be friends with me if they didn't think that I added some kind of value to their lives. So yeah, and yeah.
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So also, also, this sounds, this might sound a bit weird to anybody, but if you have no friends at the moment, you just need to remember that it will happen at some point.
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And everyone goes through phases when they have zero friends.
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Like, I think, like, though I went through a phase of my life where I literally, I had one friend, and I mean, he was the best friend I could have asked for, to be honest, but like, still, it was only one friend.
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And, you know, I've got to college, and I've got tons now, but, you know, every I think everyone goes through phases where you you like, you tend to be alone, but I feel like that that's when you can do the most work on yourself, yes, so that when you do make friends again, you can be the best person that you can be.
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You know, I really love that point. And I think one of the things I'd like to ask you about is, What should parents do, particularly when it's mothers with daughters or fathers with sons? What they when their child is friendless, which is a very painful thing for a parent to see in their child, because you feel you feel it viscerally. You feel it, you almost feel like it's personal to you, because you It's so difficult. What would you say parents should do to support their kids
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at first and most important thing is not to stress out and make sure you're just you're there for your kids.
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What does that feel like? What does that sound like? Feel like? Listen, right?
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And also, a lot of the time, parents mistake asking for advice. They get it confused, and that can really piss off their kids.
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So I've never done that had like
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so if your, if your kid is having a rough time in there, you know, you they're coming out with all these things like this, that things happen, this. Things happened. Don't try and give them advice unless they ask you, because that can see, because, and you're like, oh, one, I did this because that can seem like diminishing, you know, they're not taking into consideration that, you know, the situations are different, and, you know, they're like, Oh, well, I did this, and then everyone wanted to be friends with me, or like, and I did this, and then this got everyone, like, made everyone want me, and stuff like that
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that, yeah, you feel, as a parent, you feel like you're offering some good advice, instead of
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that being like, Good advice that seems, you know, like that just seems like you're taking away from their issues, and it seems like you're saying that when you were younger, you just had to do one quick thing to solve it, and then that was it. You know, I think just make sure you're just listening until they ask for your advice.
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I'd like to you've mentioned when we were younger, and I'm just curious what you think about friendships now versus what I would have experienced because, of course, I went to school without any form of social media. We didn't have phones. Basically, when I was a teenager and I started at senior school, you kind of just went into the playground and people skipped or they gossiped.
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I mean, I don't know what we did. Who knows what we did, but it did, it feel. How does, how does it work for you going up to senior school, in this day and age, trying to make friends?
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Well, I mean, well, when I started at my senior school, Amelia and I have both coming back to your previous question, we've both been through periods of not having friends. I think that's, yeah, that's fair to say.
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But I think everybody like, if somebody says they haven't, I think they're probably lying, because everybody has, and even if they haven't had a period where they have had like, no friends, or they've had only had one or two, they've had a period where they felt like they had no friends, but,
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yes, but I started school alone. No one from my old school went up to school with me, and I didn't know anyone beforehand. And I think a lot of people were on their phones a lot of the time. Even though we only had at school, we were only allowed to be on our phones for one hour, like we had a set time. But, yeah, everyone, it was like a crutch, almost, because if you're on your phone, yeah, it's a classic thing, if you if you feel awkward or like people when they go to meals on their own most the time, they won't because they're afraid of being judged, but you will find them sitting there scrolling on their phone because it, you know, if that. Online. If they're in this digital world, they don't feel it's the kind of, it's the age old. If I close my eyes, then, you know, no one can see me, right? But it's that kind of thing. So you feel less awkward. I'm very busy. I'm very exactly, so, you know, I've got, I've got a purpose, and I'm talking to people, I promise, you know. So that's kind of what everyone would do at school as well. So it's a false friend social media, because it's called social media, but I wouldn't say that it is very social unless, unless, you know, but people do use it for chatting in forums and things like that. And I do think it's probably easier to stay in touch with people. Now, I guess you used to call people,
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yeah, but you know, if you move schools or something, unless you were really close with someone, you just didn't know what happened to them, yeah, you sort of just
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that's that exactly, whereas now you can, I mean something that happened when I lost my social media account and I had to start again. It was Instagram. Was that I lost a lot of it was less the font my followers that I cared about more, all of the people who I was following before, because now it feels weird if I were to re follow them, because we don't talk now, not for no bad reason.
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We just, we're not in contact.
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But it was nice to, you know, yeah, keep up with their lives, because it still gave me that contact point. Almost. I could see how they were developing as a person and their experiences and things like that. But now I just lost all of that, and I can't it would be weird for me to try to read,
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you know, similar to that is, you know, when I move schools, one of the hardest things for me to, like, come to terms with. Wasn't me leaving my friends because, like, I was staying contact with my friends.
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You know, I could keep up with them. I could talk to them whenever I wanted. It was those people who you see around school every day, and you kind of talk to and you're friends with them, but your school friends, you're not out of school friends. But once you leave, you just don't talk. Yeah? It's really like, that's one of the strange to me, that was the hardest part.
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Yeah, and schools provide that structure, don't they, but once we've moved on, and it gets even more like that when you move out away from an educational setting, which is one of the reasons why it can be very difficult for kids who are used to having that structure.
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They rely on that structure, and then suddenly that structure is not there. And I I use social media that way too. I love, I love dipping into people's lives who I've spent time with in the past. I'm not necessarily prying. I'm just, it's just lucky to see what's what's happening.
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But also, you know, you see prying, it's not if they've let you follow, yeah,
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absolutely, but they may not know I'm still following them well,
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but then that's their own thing to deal with. You know, I think if, if you've got a public account, then you're welcoming views. And if you've got a private account and you've let people follow you, then you're there. You know, yes, they have business being there.
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Yeah, absolutely. So we talked about the difference. So you were saying that you're when you were early at school, you were finding that kids were on their phones, and because I always used to say to you need to have your taxi light on. You need to, if you want to make more friends, you've got to look like you're interested in making more friends, which means you've got to be walking around looking over,
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yeah, because I've started in college this year like you guys know, and you know, best experience so far I've made, I'm fantastic really quickly. It's really, really lovely, but there are a couple of people who my friends are, like, kind of they know, from that old school, and they the people who like they don't, some of them don't have any friends.
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But the reason is because you need to make an effort. You know, people say the friendship shouldn't be an effort when you're actually making friends.
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It should because, you know, no one meets people. And was like, bang, and no it, you know, people don't just fall into your lap. You have to, you have to, you know, try so agree, yeah.
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And there was at my old old school, there was one girl, and she well, when everyone was getting to know each other, she sat on her phone the entire time, and she wouldn't engage at all. And then she told the teachers that we were bullying her, which was very strange, because she didn't talk to anyone, so we wouldn't talk to her. But the whole, the whole point is like, like, it came out of the blue. But the whole point is that you need to, you know, you need to be making the effort. You can't just expect people to talk to you. You know,
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yeah, I agree. I think the important thing is cultivate, like, cultivation. So if you meet someone and you sort of click with them, or you like them, even if you don't really gel with them, the way that I'm going into my university, for example, is that I've met a lot of people already who are going and some of them I don't know yet. Like, the jury's out on whether I'll get, you know, be best friends with them or whatever. But I think when I go, if I have nothing to do, I'm going to reach out to people and just say, Do you want to come to the coffee shop with me? Yeah, yeah. Because, you know, it's nicer to experience things with other people, and then you give that relationship and a shot, and, you know, and it signals to them that, oh, they you. Like me enough to invite me out, you know. So it's all of these things, but I remember when I was going through my, you know, rough phase, you kept saying, just throw a party. Just throw a party because I was complaining because I wasn't being invited to any of but the problem is, is that if you don't know anyone, and you haven't had that initial, you know, sort of period of meeting people and where everyone's in the same space where and, like, no one really knows each other. If you haven't had that, then it's really difficult to go from zero to 100 and just invite people to a party. So with me, it's like a gentle slope. And I think, I mean, it's had the same thing with, like, a soft launch at college or at university, where everyone's sort of in the same area and no one knows each other. But in my experience, before people already had started relationship, like started friendships and all of this, and so it was really hard for me to then start making new ones when people had already got out of that friendship making period. Yes, people weren't looking for friends anymore.
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I meet you. I mean, I like, I would like to disagree with you that I think college is actually very much like that.
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There are with, I mean, without my college, there are like, I think there's 1600 in my year alone, and there are two years, but there are like, five schools which feed into this college, and on my interview day, the woman interviewing me looked at my school and said, I've never seen anyone coming from this school before, because I knew, I knew I knew one girl in the above me, and we weren't even that close friends. I mean, she's lovely girl, but I didn't really talk to her that much, and that was it. And everybody knew each other. Everyone in my friend group now they have connections. Like half them knew each other before. Half of them know people who are the same.
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And so sometimes they have conversations about, you know, people that they know, like mutual friends, whatever. But you know, I just like, I don't know. I think the one thing that I would say is people are always looking for new, new connections.
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Yeah. I think what Phoebe was trying to say was, that is the junction, yeah, exactly specific junctions which
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make you have to really take it, yeah, you have to take advantage of because I agree, I think I'm not saying that it was easier what you did, because when there are feeder schools or when there are big friendship groups already established, it does make things a lot harder when people already, you know, settled in their arrangements, or whatever, but, but I think people at that point, because it was the start of a new college, everyone was sort of in a new phase, whereas, and it was the same for me, it was in my first couple of years at my new school, but I didn't take advantage of that new time. And then when I did start looking for friends, people had already settled and people weren't looking for friends. And then I found it a lot harder. But the thing that did actually my like, one of my best friends, our best best friends, the thing that made me get really close to her was a complete out of the blue invite to a concert. And we were friends, but we were sort of acquaintances. We weren't really very close, and then you said, Oh, we have a spare ticket. Do you want to invite someone? And I was really stressed, because I didn't have any friends. I didn't know who I was going to invite, but I was like, there's this girl. She's really fun, she's really nice. I think I like her, you know, so I invited her and that that was the spark that, yeah, and we talk about it now and we're like, oh, who would have known that that was the thing that would start our friendship? That's what it took.
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But yeah, I mean, clearly she, she has high standards. She expects concert tickets.
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It's isn't it?
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Because, because, you know, I've said this few times, that one thing I've learned in life is that things can change tomorrow.
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Yeah, we sort of going through life feeling terrible about things. And, you know, tomorrow you might meet somebody
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every day is a new day.
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Yeah? Thanks, yeah. My closest, one of my closest friends at the moment. He was there for me when I had no one that completely came out of the blue. I mean, we'd known each other at my old school, but we hadn't. We'd been like, mutuals. We weren't really friends. He was one of the people who I was like, oh, sad, because I was never gonna speak to him again, but it was like, I saw him around school. So, you know? But yeah, so that it completely came out of the blue.
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He texted me on take talk, and he was like, oh, like, how have you been like, what have you been up to? Anyway, from there, we just really clicked, and it came on to full blown, complete friendship. It's lovely, but it's crazy. How, like that. I was not expecting that at all.
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Like, at all. It's crazy,
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yeah, but yeah, I think just put in the effort. But also you have to be the one to reach out. If you're looking for friends, you have to be the one initially. And it doesn't have to be as big as a concert, you know, it doesn't have they can just be like, Hey, I'm doing this. Do you want to come? Yeah, like, you know, it can be really casual, but yeah. And then, because, I think also, something that's always scared me. Is that I don't want, no one wants this, but I'm afraid of something being awkward. But yes, true.
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But you know, yeah, I think everyone's scared, especially if it's, you know, you and just one other person. Be like, Oh, do you want to get coffee with me?
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And then there's a dead conversation, but at least you gave that a shot. And then you work out, Hey, we don't gel. We don't really have much in common, or, you know, we don't talk about and then that's that.
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And you go, okay, that person, I'm not going to get on with them. But at least, at least you, you know, stuck out an olive branch or whatever.
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Yeah. And I think what's really interesting is sometimes, so I've got a friend, because this carries on into older life, and I've got a friend, and I was talking to her once, and she has four kids, and she said, when she first got to school, she was really keen to make new mum friends. And she said, I've got to kid number four, and there's a woman in that year group who's desperately trying to make friends with me. And she said, I'm done. I'm not making any more friends. And the sad thing was, that parent, that mum was probably really liked her, yeah, but she's knocking on the wrong door. So it's about sort of, you know, rather than not taking offense when somebody's really shut for business, yeah, some
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people also, yeah, that's another thing. Never focus on one person, yeah. I mean, people variety. Because, yeah, as I was saying, Before friendships change. They always, always change. You know, one of the people who you're going to be the closest right now in two weeks, you have the biggest argument and just never speak again. And you know, people grow apart and people grow together, and you need to remember that.
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And I wonder when you were younger, one thing I think was true was that you both had very high expectations of friends. Do you remember that? Because I remember thinking, trying to say, I think, you know, maybe what you want to do is you want to sort of just lower what you expect of your friends.
00:23:52.250 --> 00:23:54.109
No, I think that's fair.
00:23:52.250 --> 00:24:09.849
I think that's fair because, well, yeah, um, the way that friendships are portrayed in books, for example, like, I consumed a lot of, sort of, you know, like Mallory towers and things like, you know, Brighton, the famous fire, whatever it is, I can't remember, is it famous?
00:24:09.849 --> 00:24:37.710
Yeah. And their friendships was sort of idealized and made to seem like this amazing thing, and they just got on so well, and everyone was so close, and you could always rely on your friend. So yeah, and, and, I think it was a bit of a shock when you know you're a young girl and you're imagining this is what your life is going to look like, and then you it just
00:24:37.710 --> 00:24:40.349
doesn't come into production, thinking, what's wrong with me?
00:24:40.410 --> 00:25:33.089
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And also on that, sorry, I've just thought of something else I remember going through this period where I just forgot, wouldn't I didn't forget, but I got really inside my head about talking to people. I started overthinking conversation, and I was getting really stressed. I think meaning related to this, and you can as well. Oh, for sure. Oh for sure. And I don't know if it's something that everyone it might just be our family. Maybe there's something wrong with us, but I've had, I've had friends say that to me, yeah, but I went through this phase where I was, I was like, oh my god, I can't be left one on one with anyone in a room. I just don't know what I'm going to do. I don't know how to talk to them. What do I say? And I think we just sort of build up friendship to be this massive thing, like making friends as well, and we just need to completely bring that down and just think
00:25:33.749 --> 00:26:51.169
on the topic of conversation. I think another thing that you need to remember is it's always two sided. And if somebody isn't charted, like, if somebody is not pushing back, you need to, like, if you're if you're pushing a lot, and if it's one sided, then, yeah, one sided. Then you kind of need to stay, take a step back and think about maybe why they're not interested in having a conversation with you. And like, maybe, you know, I'm not saying that they necessarily don't like you, but maybe you need to relax a little bit on that certain person and another thing, like on that topic, don't be desperate ever, because you need to. You need to be okay with the fact that one day or you might, you need to be okay with being alone. Need to Be okay with the fact that one day you are going to be alone and what what. And very depressing, but still, you need to be okay with the fact that you could be alone no matter what you know. And friend like people can sense that that you're secure in yourself, and that's what they like. And if you know, if you're very like, Oh, don't forget me to, don't forget to invite me to this, you know, like, I'm here, like, you know, you're very, you know, keen to have friends and keen to be noticed, which I completely understand why you would be. I completely understand, like, that's been me in many, many situations. But you need to be aware that people tend to not like that. I think
00:26:51.170 --> 00:27:05.329
it comes from, yeah. I mean, yeah. Like, people don't like it. It comes with self, self worth. Like, if you're not being invited to the party, then you know, like, those aren't your people don't push for it.
00:27:00.829 --> 00:27:20.230
But also, like, I don't know, don't, don't try to force something where you're not wanted. Because clearly they haven't tried to include you or whatever. So so, you know, it maintains some self pride and self worth and go those people aren't for me and seek friendship elsewhere. Yeah, I think that's the little thing.
00:27:20.230 --> 00:27:33.089
One of my like, I have some rules for myself, you know, one of them, going back to expectations, is I never, ever want to have expectations, because expectations are the feet of joy. You know, have hopes. Don't have expectations.
00:27:33.269 --> 00:28:12.789
Yeah, very, very different thing, you know, if you want to, if you want your child to succeed, I would say, have hopes for them. Don't put don't have expectations for them. But obviously, like, do the dishes and stuff, you have those kind of expectations. But academically, for example, don't have expectations. Like, oh, I expect you to be getting this grade, this grade, this grade, unless it's, oh, yeah, I expect you to be working hard. Because always want your kids to work hard, but that can really, you know, put pressure on them. The other one is, I never want to like someone more than they like me, which I think, you know, starting off, it's like, fine, but I think once you're in a proper friendship. You want it to be equal? You know, you want to be pushing, yeah,
00:28:12.789 --> 00:28:20.710
but you say that, but it's never going to be completely equal. There will be times when your friend is going through the worst, you know, it's constantly it's a counterbalance,
00:28:20.710 --> 00:28:30.630
like, someone's difference, if, like, if somebody's going through the worst period of the life, and they're they're not being in contact with you, that's different, because, you know that that's not them not liking you. No, I'm not
00:28:30.630 --> 00:28:36.329
talking about like com content necessarily, but maybe they're acting out towards you or whatever, but it doesn't
00:28:36.329 --> 00:28:43.289
but that doesn't mean that they don't like you. But how do you measure that? I mean, if you're more invested in a friendship than somebody else's, but there will
00:28:43.289 --> 00:28:50.809
be times when I'm reaching out, you know, I'm constantly inviting my friend to this and this and this and then and then a few months later, then she'll
00:28:50.809 --> 00:29:11.769
be doing that's different, because she's, she's, she's showing that she cares as well, but I but if she she's appreciative and stuff like that. But there are signs that people care. Yeah, it's when people don't care, though, and you can tell that somebody doesn't care. You didn't want to be chased, I know, but you said equal. You don't want to have a one sided friendship either way.
00:29:08.750 --> 00:29:19.630
You don't want somebody to be more invested in you than you are in them, because then that could put a lot of pressure on you, and you don't be more invested in someone than they are on you. Because that just feels awful. Sorry.
00:29:19.630 --> 00:29:49.230
I found this quote that when Amelia was talking about expectations, uncommunicated expectations cause premeditated resentments. So it's like, if you, I mean, it's slightly different, but if you expect something from someone that you haven't communicated to them, yes, they're not going to be able to meet that and you're already and then you're going to resent them because they they're not meeting your expectation, but you haven't communicated that to them, yeah? Oh yeah, that happens in marriages, but friendships as well. If you're expecting something from a friendship and you haven't, and they're not
00:29:49.229 --> 00:30:01.729
mind readers, yeah, you can't. Yeah, I like that. Phoebe, a while ago, you mentioned that you had used AI to say, Oh, I'm thinking this.
00:29:58.009 --> 00:30:01.729
What do you think's behind it?
00:30:01.729 --> 00:30:11.528
Or I'm feeling this, what do you think's behind it? You don't use AI a huge amount, because I know that there's a lot of worry now about these bots and how they are very affirmative.
00:30:11.950 --> 00:30:16.390
Well, mine isn't okay.
00:30:11.950 --> 00:30:16.390
Mine is rude, yes.
00:30:16.390 --> 00:30:43.589
So, so one thing you said which really stuck with me was that you realized that if you go to an AI bot to get your help and support, and you don't ask your friends, and you don't confide in your friends, what you're missing out on is an opportunity for closeness. Yeah, with your friends, because a friendship develops the more you have conversations and you're vulnerable. Yeah?
00:30:43.890 --> 00:31:30.809
Because then I feel like in the process of you being vulnerable with someone and opening up about something in the way that they respond to you. You then, you know, you feel more comfortable around them. You it's you know, it's affirmative for your friendship, because you then build up more trust. And on the flip side, they will then feel, you know, again, honored that you've come to them with your problem, that you can trust them with that, and then they'll feel more warmth towards you. It's like, it's a, it's a, yeah, it's a process, but you just completely miss out. And it's aI can't understand your emotions, and they haven't got your I don't know. It's just it's so different. It's you're building human connection when you bring that to your friendships, I bet
00:31:31.049 --> 00:31:39.930
friendships can be quite difficult, can't they, because you can have arguments and things and yeah, it can feel very comforting to just go to something that confirms your thoughts and feelings.
00:31:40.049 --> 00:32:07.670
Yeah, of I mean, of course, but one of my closest friends, like I our relationships, our friendship sort of developed when I was going through a really tough period, and I was relying on her, and we were talking a lot, and out of that, we've developed this amazing friendship. But I think the point is, is that if you're not being open with people about your feelings, then you're preventing a certain.
00:32:07.750 --> 00:32:08.170
Level of
00:32:08.170 --> 00:32:21.670
depth, times, most people are going through similar things, yes, not exactly the same. Most people have felt similar feelings, yeah. So I think you know that that can open up a lot of gates, yeah.
00:32:21.670 --> 00:32:38.069
And then both of you go, Oh, my God, you had the same thing. And then for both of you, you go, Oh, okay, this is a normal, you know, a lot of people go through this. I'm not alone in my experience. And then, and then you're completely right, then you both connect on that level again, because you can relate to each other.
00:32:38.250 --> 00:32:47.069
Yeah. Do you think you can have a good friendship with someone remotely like over social media, over
00:32:47.849 --> 00:33:00.829
Yeah, my entire friendship with my the guy who was, I've mentioned him quite a bit, but that's completely well, I mean, you had met him, I had met him, yeah, but that I hadn't seen him for, like, since I left, so that was nine months.
00:33:01.309 --> 00:33:25.269
But you knew him through school, though, no, but I didn't know him. Know Him, yeah, I knew him surface level. I knew I was like, Oh, hi, hi. How are you I'm good. Like, how are you, like, that kind of level? Like, what's your favorite color level? I didn't know him, like, as in, actually, we weren't like, proper friends, yeah, and like, I think that you can completely have a good relationship over social media, but as long as, as long as, as long as you know that they're actually real person,
00:33:25.329 --> 00:33:31.109
I think there's a difference. But because you knew who he was, you had interacted with him in social groups and things like that.
00:33:31.109 --> 00:33:33.869
You'd seen it no one.
00:33:31.109 --> 00:33:42.690
But unless you know, you're one of those people who are getting scammed by, you know, those people who are saying that whenever there was a guy who said that he was on the moon and they hated a girl, an old lady, had a relationship with Him.
00:33:40.529 --> 00:34:02.809
Unless you're one of those people, like most people don't fully have a relationship over social media. Most people don't have in 100% relation like, I think that is like, okay, but, I mean, I don't know how well that would work. I think having a relationship which is majority over social media is completely fine. I've seen him once in, you know, about maybe a year. That was like
00:34:02.809 --> 00:34:03.950
my old relationship,
00:34:05.990 --> 00:34:08.150
yes, but that was different. This is Friendship.
00:34:08.150 --> 00:34:17.710
No, no, I don't actually. Do you think? Do you think social media can harm relationships?
00:34:17.710 --> 00:34:19.869
I think it can do anything to a relationship.
00:34:20.230 --> 00:34:24.010
Yeah, I agree, because it would.
00:34:20.230 --> 00:34:28.450
It can show you. The thing about social media is that what you see is really tailored to what you've been watching.
00:34:28.510 --> 00:35:59.269
I agree. I think it can do anything to relationships. I think even with my friends who like, I'm friends with in real life for the majority of the time, we still interact with social media. We can be like next to each other on a sofa or something, and sending each other reels that are funny. I think you can use this in certain ways. It's like it is a tool. You can use it in certain ways to influence your friendships with other people, also posting and commenting on people's posts. It's a big thing, I think, for kids, and I'm not sure that parents realize the extent to which it actually does influence relationships. But also the norms are different depending on what school you're at in your social cycle. But I think within, yeah, within my like friend group, for example, it's quite normal and almost expected to comment on each other's posts and like them. At least, I remember getting really stressed out because I, you know, sometimes I wanted to do a post for a friend's birthday, and then my other friend I did a story for, and I didn't want them to think that I value them differently or whatever. Like, there's a lot of reading into things online, yes, and people are constantly picking up signals, you know, through certain like messages and comments and things like that that you do, and because you can, it's really hard. Yeah, yes, it's quite hard to navigate sometimes, but yeah, I think it does. It does really influence
00:35:59.509 --> 00:36:21.248
interesting French. I worry about that myself, you know, posting about my kids or, you know, like a happy birthday message. And did I do it in equal Yeah, I only do it privately, but even so, I do worry about that. So, so top tips for the worst things you can do with friendships, that mistakes that you've seen people make, or when they when they were younger, and also, now, how are you going to avoid the big mistakes?
00:36:21.250 --> 00:37:07.670
Now this is something that I've heard from other people, yeah, but date your friends. Ooh and not in the not in there, like, go and have, you know, relation, romantic, yeah, but date your friends in the sense that, I think you should look at it like a relationship, in the sense that you want your values to be aligned, you don't have to agree politically or whatever, like, you don't have to be seeking marriage material in the kind of, right? Because there'll be certain things that you would want, and like, husband or, you know, wife, or whatever that you your friends won't have, and that's fine, but I say that, as I said, in the sense of, like, make sure that you're aligned in certain aspects. And because, I would say, all my closest friends, we all think a certain way. We all.
00:37:07.750 --> 00:38:14.590
Have we all value certain things. That means that we are very compatible in our friendships. And that doesn't mean that you have to agree on everything. I think to an extent, arguments are valuable and healthy because I read this, I've been reading a book on love, and it's not just like on romantic love, it's just love in general. But there was something that I read which said that if you're having relation, if you're having arguments in your friendships or romantic relationships, it is a healthy thing, because it means that you value each other enough and respect each other enough and respect the relationship enough to show a side of yourself that they might not like, Oh, I like that. So you're not putting forward this perfect image of yourself, which is unsustainable, which is, yeah, exactly because everyone is flawed, and you're never always going to love everything about someone. But if you're having obviously not arguments all the time, but if you're having disagreements and tiffs and things like that, it means that you trust each other enough to show that side of yourself that they might not agree with fully.
00:38:15.489 --> 00:38:23.650
So I think, yeah. So I think meeting adversity, and you know, conflict is healthy in relationships, yes, I think, and not
00:38:23.648 --> 00:38:33.688
just counseling someone because you've decided they don't agree. Yeah. Well, here's one thing I want to bring up. What about WhatsApp groups?
00:38:27.969 --> 00:38:55.429
Social groups when you're just joining new friendships? Because I have seen situations where people say stuff on those groups and you think, ooh, I probably wouldn't say that sort of thing, because you're revealing yourself and in a way that may be misconstrued. Do you think that? Do you have any advice?
00:38:52.248 --> 00:39:17.409
Because I, you know, as a parent, I would always say to my kids, be very, very, very careful of what you say in a public group when you don't you know if it's a tiny group and it's just you and your best friends, that's one thing. But a lot of kids nowadays get added to groups, you know, Snapchat groups or whatever, and they can't control the information that's going out there, so I would be really cautious.
00:39:17.469 --> 00:39:35.489
Well, yeah, I think you've said a little to be honest. Yeah. I mean, there's, obviously, there's all the stuff about a digital footprint and being really careful with that, but also just people formulating opinions about you through the things that you say and type and yeah.
00:39:36.210 --> 00:39:39.929
So any Mia, what have you got any any top tips for, like, Don't do this.
00:39:39.929 --> 00:39:46.949
Don't get too concerned with that. I think the best if you guys know Mumford and Sons, good music, in my opinion.
00:39:47.610 --> 00:40:03.409
Anyway, they have this one line in one of their songs, which is, you'll spend your days fixing all the problems that you made in your head. Oh, people, people tend to overthink things in their mind. And you start overthinking your friendships and stressing about what's going on, you know, stuff like that.
00:40:04.610 --> 00:40:19.449
And, yeah, I think that's such a big problem, because most people aren't thinking about you that way. They're thinking about themselves. Yeah, and I just, I think you need to calm down unless it's actually, anything's actually happening in real life.
00:40:20.050 --> 00:40:30.090
It's not a problem, and you shouldn't view it as a problem, and just think about something else. I mean, I know that's easier said than done, but they're a lot more, they're a lot better, and more better things you can be doing with your time. And I
00:40:30.090 --> 00:41:23.590
love your point about when you don't have friends, why not work on yourself, work on your hobbies, work on other things, you know, personal growth, to prepare yourself. And I think that's the same. When I split up for my ex boyfriend, I spent a whole year just working on who I am. Why am I? Why am I doing the things I'm doing? Why did I make the decisions I made before and I grew dramatically? So I love that point about, you, know, developing yourself. Great, brilliant. Well, thank you so much, girls. I really appreciate it. Phoebe's off. I'm when are we going to see you again? So congratulations. I hope you enjoy University and Amelia, thank you so much. I'm so happy you're enjoying your college. If you found this useful, then please send it to at least one person. You can give us a five star rating just by going onto your app, tapping the five stars or make sure you're following.
00:41:23.949 --> 00:41:42.929
And if you want to contact us, it's www.teenagersuntangled.com and the email address is teenagersuntangled@gmail.com I'm on all the social media. I've got a substack too now so you can read other extra things and extra thoughts there and join our club. That's it for now.
00:41:39.989 --> 00:41:42.929
Have a great week. Bye, bye.
00:41:42.929 --> 00:41:47.929
You. You.
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