Dec. 30, 2025
The secrets to real change, and breaking negative family cycles
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Ask Rachel anything I thought we'd kick off the new year with an episode on how building our own community of people we admire can dramatically change our future and break from a difficult past. In this episode, I talk with Mitchell Osmond who transformed his life from financial instability and marital strife to a thriving marriage and personal growth. Mitchell shares his journey, highlighting two pivotal moments: a fight with his wife and a funeral that prompted him to seek change.&nbs...
I thought we'd kick off the new year with an episode on how building our own community of people we admire can dramatically change our future and break from a difficult past.
In this episode, I talk with Mitchell Osmond who transformed his life from financial instability and marital strife to a thriving marriage and personal growth.
Mitchell shares his journey, highlighting two pivotal moments: a fight with his wife and a funeral that prompted him to seek change.
He emphasizes the importance of emotional connection, presence over perfection, and the value of mentorship. He also talks about the impact of fatherlessness, citing statistics like 63% of youth suicides and 90% of homeless children from fatherless homes.
Where to find Mitchell Osmond
https://www.dadnationco.com/
New Year's Resolutions:
EPISODE: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/70-new-years-resolutions-love-them-or-loathe-them-the-question-is-how-can-we-make-them-work-for-u/
BLOG WITH MY TECHNIQUE: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/blog/Be-the-person-you-want-to-be-not-the-person-others-think-you-should-be/
teenagersuntangled.substack.com
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Please don't hesitate to seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. When you look after yourself your entire family benefits.
My email is teenagersuntangled@gmail.com
My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me:
www.teenagersuntangled.com
Find me on Substack https://Teenagersuntangled.substack.com
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You can reach Susie at www.amindful-life.co.uk
01:26 - Rock Bottom: The Fight, the Funeral & a Father’s Decision to Change His Life
07:59 - Autopilot Parenting: When You Don’t See Your Marriage Falling Apart
09:23 - Breaking Generational Cycles: Alcoholism, Anger & Becoming the “Curse Breaker”
12:18 - How Your Childhood Shapes Your Marriage and Parenting (More Than You Think)
12:51 - Healthy Masculinity Explained: What Boys Really Need From Their Fathers
18:06 - How Dads Can Show Up at Home: Practical Advice for Present Fatherhood
18:34 - The 5‑Minute Reset: Simple Daily Ritual to Switch From Work Mode to Dad Mode
22:15 - Presence Over Perfection: Emotional Honesty, Apologies & Stronger Relationships
25:31 - Why Men Struggle With Emotions: “Normative Male Alexithymia” in Real Life
28:27 - Raising Boys Differently: Teaching Emotional Vocabulary and Reducing Shame
36:38 - Why So Many Women Initiate Divorce: The Emotional Connection Men Miss
37:36 - Advice for Single Mums Raising Boys Without a Dad at Home
40:39 - It Takes a Village: How Other Adults Can Support Your Teens
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Hello and welcome to teenagers untangled the audio hug for anyone helping someone go through the tween and teen years. I'm Rachel Richards, journalist, mother of two teenagers and two bonus daughters. Now it's the end of another year, and I thought it would be a great time to take stock and think about how we can move into this next year with purpose and the ability to grow in our roles as parents, grandparents, caregivers. And in past years, I've created episodes in which I talked about making new year's resolutions and my own specific technique that I've honed throughout my life. And the link will be in the notes. But this year, wow, I thought it wouldn't it be good to talk to a father who went from being almost divorced, overweight, faced with financial upheaval, to rebuilding a thriving marriage, paying off a six figure debt, dropping 60 pounds and connecting with his role as a father and breadwinner. Mitchell Osmond is going to talk to us about proven techniques we can use, particularly for working parents searching for connection and confidence in their home life.
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Welcome to the show,
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Mitchell, thank you so much for having me today, Rachel. I'm really looking forward to having this conversation with you. Me too.
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Now, one of the strengths of my podcast is that I'm not an expert. I'm a flawed parent. I'm trying to figure things out and as I go along, and then share what I learned so others can benefit. You're in a similar boat, really. So can you share the pivotal moments in your own journey that led you to rethink your approach to marriage and fatherhood.
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Yeah, thank you for asking me, and thank you for having me on the show today, Rachel, I really appreciate it, and I love you. Know what you said about being flawed? Because I think people can make the mistake of listening to a podcast and people on a pedestal and say, well, it was easy for them, or maybe they don't quite understand because they're not they got it all figured out. And so I usually say, let me be the first to tell you, I've done some things right because I've done everything else wrong. I've learned everything about the hardest way possible and and so we're speaking from personal experience and challenges we faced. But you asked me about some turning points for me, and you kind of alluded to some of the challenges that I was facing at the time, and I think that's a great place to start. And so for me, there were really two key sort of catalytic moments that really spurred me into this transformation. And one was a fight, the second one was a funeral. And so let's talk about the fight, or let's talk about the fight first. So if you could picture me and my wife were sitting in the living room, sitting on the couch. We were married for about three years at this time, and and I always wanted to be a father like you, like you had said. I mean, I was raised in dysfunction, crime, abuse, drugs, alcohol in the home, dysfunctional family, you know, all those different things. My father was an alcoholic, didn't have a relationship with Him, and so I was determined to really give my future family a different life.
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I was focused on that. And so when my wife and I started having this conversation about what it looks like to have children, she looked at me and said, You kidding me? I would never bring a child in one relationship. Why do you think that would be a good idea? Our marriage is broken. And I was gobsmacked, Rachel. I was like, what is that bad? And that was the first day she used the D word that we had said we would never use divorce, and I never, I will never forget being so shocked of thinking everything was fine. Were we the were we happy? We were okay. We were kind of like roommates wearing rings, you know? And I had no idea how bad it was. And then I we had a huge fight. And then, so I'm going on throughout that week, thinking, I don't know if she's going to leave today or tomorrow or next week or what, but she's clearly on the verge of leaving. I'm 60 at this point. You know, I was recently let go of a senior leadership position like you said. I was 60 pounds overweight. I had gained all that weight. I was drinking and doing drugs daily to cope with all the different pain I was experiencing, we were 100 grand in debt, and now our marriage was on the verge of divorce. I was in a rough place and and so the second part of the story was the funeral, and this was about seven days after, one week after the funeral, or after the fight. And so I was invited to sing at this funeral of this wealthy, philanthropic man, okay? And then the minister was talking about all the things that he had done, and I'll never forget I was side stage, and I was strapping on my guitar and I was getting ready to sing, and I overheard him asked the congregation, he had said, Are you living a life worthy of imitation? If you were to die today, would you be proud of the legacy that you left? And in that moment, Rachel, I started to sing the last song, and I could barely choke out the lyrics, because all I could think was, if this were my funeral. Them, no one would be saying, I want to model the marriage he had. I want to model the finances of the health that he had. He's an inspiring man.
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They probably would have said at that point in my life, man, he had a hard life, and then it ended. He didn't get a chance to turn it around. And I had this, this picture of where my life was headed. And so that day, you know, I went home and I made a commitment that I would change, that I would become the man I knew I needed to be for my wife and for my future family if I had any chance at having one, that I had to die, to everything that I knew to become some new evolution of myself. And that was the challenge that I faced, and I had this thought, you know, every family goes through trauma, and lots of families have these general curse, generational cycles, these curses. You know, people talk about every family has a curse breaker. That day, I was determined that I would be the curse breaker for my family so that, you know, my father was an alcoholic, his father was an alcoholic, his father was an alcoholic, and it was just it went on for generations and generations. I said, Today, this stops with me. And so Rachel, I brought five men around me. I literally looked into my life, and I said, Who has the best marriage that I'm every area that I need to grow in, who has the best marriage that I know of, who has the most money that I know of who's the best shape you know? And I reached out, I gathered five men around me, which actually now my coaching practice. I call it the iron five. And every man has their own iron five to surround them.
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And then, within 18 months, a year and a half, we paid off 100 grand of debt and completely restored. Our marriage, lost the 60 pounds, built a lean, confident, strong body, and was clean of distractions and substances. Live my life in a totally different way, and then later, you know, because I was always in positions of leadership, people would ask, man, what's going on with you?
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Like, your life, you're on fire.
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You lost the weight. You're like, you're you're got financial peace. And so I started helping friends, helping brothers of mine, building budgets, helping them connect with their wives, going to the gym with them, and training them. And one of my mentors said, Man, if you really want to take that question, are you living a life worthy of imitation, you want to take it seriously? Well, let's, let's take that trash and turn it into treasure. Share your story with the world and help more men. And so that was when I launched the dad nation podcast, two years ago. Now it's a globally rated top 5% podcast. And then six months into that, I launched the coaching practice, and that's what I do today, Rachel, is I help the man that I used to be.
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Ed mylett said this a while ago on his podcast, you were the most qualified to help the person. Help the person you used to be, and that's all I do. I look for men who are struggling in those areas, and my whole thing is I help high performing men reclaim their home, their health and their happiness without sacrificing their career success. And that was who I was, and so that's all I do today.
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Does that make sense? Just a little bit about myself?
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Yeah, no, it does, and that actually resonates so well with me, because I have a very similar story, and I think what interests me is a couple of things, and we've done an episode on grief, and we talked in that exactly about what you're saying, that one of the amazing things to do is, rather than wait until you're going to die, or someone close to you is going to die. Why not start living that life now? And asking those questions can be so profoundly moving and insightful, but also this, this, this sense that you didn't really know that things were going wrong, and that I do think an awful lot of us go into our lives and our parenting on autopilot, and we were just playing out roles that we've had before, and it takes a lot of insight and energy to change that direction. So you know, how did you said that your father was alcoholic and you came from that kind of background? To what extent did that relationship with your own father influence your approach to being a husband and then a father? How much is it because, because we don't just suddenly go, I'm not going to do that anymore. I'm going to, you know, we actually have to be really mindful that, mindful about making changes. To what extent has it impacted on your the role that you had as a father, a husband and a father?
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Yeah, that's a great question. You know, at first, it was anger that fueled me, because I was, you know, people who grow up in homes like that, they don't, they go in two different directions, you know, they follow in the footsteps, or they go the completely different direction, you know. And so for me, I was, I was so I had so much anger, and that was what happened in my marriage. I had unhealed wounds that begin to bleed into my relationship, and my wife was paying the price.
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And so I was angry, and I was determined that I would not come hell or high water. I would not become that man. But when I would yell at her, because I would I was the worst, I would yell at her, and I could hear my why. I could hear my. Father's voice, my father's words and mine. And I hated it, you know, I inherited his flash temper. I inherited his addictive personality. And so it was the anger in the beginning that fueled me to make the change.
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But then, after I did the healing work, I began to understand that well, he didn't have an example, and his father didn't have an example, and his father did an example, have an example. So how could they have succeeded? You know, I'd like to think that they, they would have reached out and I got but back then, there weren't resources like there are today.
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We weren't talking about these. Exactly.
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Nobody was talking about this.
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And then the second piece, you know, then it moved from anger to a place of gratitude, of like, you know, what? Perhaps, if that didn't happen to me, I'd be maybe a little bit more entitled, or maybe feel like, you know, I didn't have much to learn, and I actually began to be thankful for, you know, how I was raised, and because now I have a clean slate. I don't I know what I don't want to do, I know who I don't want to be. And so when you have that kind of clarity, it's like, okay, well, now I got a fresh canvas. Who do I want to become? What kind of father do I want to be? And I get to hand pick people in my life that are incredible models and say, Okay, what does it look like to be a husband like him? Let's do that, you know. And so, yeah, those were the that was how that relationship affected me. So I'm thankful now. I mean, it took me a long time to get there, don't get me wrong, right? But that was yeah, that was Yeah.
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And I think it, it's a big journey, and I think we should never think it's there's no hope, and that it's all over for me. And that's certainly, I think why a lot of people listen to this podcast is because they've they've noticed that there's something's not quite right. And then how do I, you know, where do I find the model for what I want to be? And so how did you then think about healthy masculinity? You'd had a bad model, and what do you think is a good model of healthy masculinity in the home?
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Yeah, man, that's such a great question.
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Well, let me, let me say this, let me, let me tell you where I learned it from, and then how I see it today, and I'll share some statistics with you that will be a little bit alarming. I think I originally then learned it from these mentors, you know, because they became my fathers.
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Essentially, I had five fathers who walked me through the fire.
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These men were loving. They were men of faith. They were incredible husbands, great stewards of their finances. You know, all those different things. They taught me what masculinity looked like. Of course, I did years of therapy, I did years of coaching a lot of different things. But here's the thing about masculinity, masculinity is caught not taught. You cannot teach a boy how how to be a masculine. You have to, he has to observe it, and he has to catch it by watching that man interact with other men and be invited to those things. I didn't have that, so I had to catch it late in life, you know what I mean.
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And then so through, through that, the mentorship, the therapy, and all those different things, when I sort of came, came out of the cocoon, if you will. And you know, experience that transformation I was, I became a mad scientist of studying these things and understanding, Why are men so confused? Why are men so, yeah, resistant to step into their role? And really, at the end of the day is it's a combination of, like, what you said earlier, there's societal pressures, there's the confusion about media and, you know, all the different things that are said about men and and masculinity. I mean, I get heat all the time when I use words like masculinity, because I'm labeled as toxic, right? You can't even say that word these days without being canceled. Oh, 100% and so when people think about masculinity, they think about the far right, like red pill alpha male, super domineering.
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That's like the far pendulum, which I'm not interested in. But then you've got the also the other end of the pendulum, which is men who are soft, who are afraid to stand up, who don't take ownership, who are people just mow them over and they get taken advantage of. They don't know how to be a father, they don't know how to be a husband, so to become sort of apathetic, and they check out, right? And so when I say, what, when people ask me, What is a modern man in 2025 you know, I say the middle of that pendulum is really what we're shooting for. When people say toxic masculinity. I would call that perhaps not toxic. I would call it immature masculinity, because men who are immature have those qualities.
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They're insecure, so they over assert their dominance, right?
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They're insecure, so they have to inflate themselves. They get overly assertive. So it's not toxic, it's immaturity. Men who have maturity and wisdom.
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Understand that it is both important to be strong and to be courageous and assertive when you need to be but it's also important to be sensitive and emotional, like emotionally, have emotional intelligence, how to create space, hold space for your wife and for your children and to connect with them on an emotional level, but also know how to be. You know, a little dangerous if you need to be to protect your family, right? A man is a man's responsibility.
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Are to protect, to provide and to preside, those three things.
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And so for a man to be able to do both and swing, you know, different ways on the pendulum at any given time is so critical, because we know now more than ever that men are so important in the family. And here's where I'll share some statistics with you. We know in the US today, one in four kids will grow up without a father in the home. And so some parts of society would say men don't matter, but the numbers say otherwise. So for example, 63% of youth suicides come from fatherless homes. 90% of homeless and runaway children come from fatherless homes. 85% of kids with behavioral disorders come from fatherless homes. In this last one, which is crazy, 71% of high school dropouts come from fatherless homes, and so while some people might say men don't matter and we don't need masculinity, or we don't need dads, I would say the numbers say something very, very different. And simultaneously, men are more lonely than ever.
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They're more medicated than ever, right? The average man in the US today spends over 2000 hours per year in front of a screen, escaping reality, checking out, the number of close friends that men have has gone from 3% to 15% of the men who said they have zero close friends in the past since 1995 I mean, that's incredible. And so all those numbers really kind of, I hope, makes us think, if you're listening today, and you're a man, you're like, I don't know my purpose. I feel I feel powerful at work, but I feel powerless when I come home.
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Well, let's have that conversation about what it looks like, you know, or if you think that your impact doesn't matter.
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Yes, it does Absolutely. Your child absolutely does need you,
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yes, and I've noticed that as my husband has matured as a human being, as well as a father, and my daughters have grown, that connection has become more and more important, and I can see that bond shifting, because he's becoming more present and more interested in what's going on.
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And what would be your advice to because, because this is really great advice, but what would be your advice within the home to be showing up?
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You know what?
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There's a there's a lot of different things, but one of the most simple things you can do is be where your feet are. If your feet are in the kitchen, sitting at the kitchen table, be there.
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If your feet are, you know, in your in your daughter's bedroom and she's talking to you about her day, be there. Don't be at work in your mind, right? And that's the problem so many of us as men, we go to work and we think about our families, but then when we come home and work with our families, and all we're thinking about is work. About is work. And so we can never fully be truly present where we are.
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And so there's lots of ways we can do that, but I'll give you one simple practice that a lot of my clients do. I call it the five minute reset. And so when you come in, when you're driving home from work, and you park your car, take five minutes, right? Do your family a favor and do this five minute routine.
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Take take some time and close all the loops to send all the text messages, wrap up all the emails, close up all the conversations, and then you simply do some simple breathing exercises. The one I'm a fan of is 478, it's the Marines do it.
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The SEALs do it. You inhale for four seconds, hold it for seven, release for eight. And then you ask yourself a couple questions.
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Number one, what does it look like for me to be a present, loving father when I walk through the room, walk through that door, what does it look like for me to be a loving and nurturing husband when I walk through that door? And here's the thing that might sound like a simple question, but Rachel, when you ask yourself that question, especially as a man, as a man, you have to answer it.
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And instinctively we know what the answer is. And if you genuinely ask yourself, Okay, what does it look like for me to walk through that door as a present, loving Father, if you answer that the question, the answer is going to be, I'm going to get on the floor and play with my kids. I'm going to pick them up, I'm going to hug them.
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I'm not going to continue emailing on my phone as I walk past them to the bedroom, right?
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Or if I ask the question about my wife, yeah, I'm probably going to go in and I'm going to look her. The eyes, and I'm going to give her a hug and I'm going to give her a kiss. I'm gonna say I missed you today, instead of going and sitting at the table and scrolling Instagram, you know what I mean.
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So it's five minutes where you do this reset. And for us as men, we need the reset because we go 810, 12 hours a day, fixing things, creating solutions, solving things, and then we come home, and if we don't turn that switch off, what's those very skills that get us into trouble when we get home, because your wife doesn't need strategies your kids don't need, you know, an effective plan, a strategic plan. But what happens is, we don't turn off that switch, and we go home and we start treating our wife and our kids like employees or colleagues, and that's not what they need.
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Yes, I have actually said to my husband in the past, I'm not your secretary exactly, because every now and then He'll slip into that. I think this is good advice for women too. I think all of it because whether I you know, I've got friends who who go out to work and the husband's at home.
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I think even if we're both at work, taking that pause and also make finding time in the in the evening or in the weekend or the time, because there's always more that we can be doing.
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There's always, always, always more housework, more shopping or everything. And it's it's actually making a conscious effort to say, Okay, I'm going to be here. I'm just going to be here. And but you do, you also talk in your podcast about being present rather than necessarily perfect. What do you think that sounds
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like or looks like?
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Yeah, I say that all the
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time, your wife, your family, doesn't need your perfection. They just want your presence, right? And what we get, we go to work right, and we get, we get rewarded for results, right. A perfectly executed plan gets us a performance bonus. It's all about perfection. It's all about the show, especially guys in business, you know, it's the front right, put on your game face, whatever like we get it.
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You know, your male listeners will get that. But your family doesn't need that version of you. In fact, that version of you makes them feel insecure.
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So, for example, the first time I told my wife about how I was feeling, I remember I came home and I was so stressed and I was anxious about something, and she was like, how are you doing? And as a man, I said, Yeah, I'm good. I went to work and I did this, and I closed this deal, and I talked to this person. She was like, no, no, no, no, no, you're telling me what you did.
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I'm asking you how you're doing.
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And I had a moment where I was like, she said, You always do that? I asked you how you're doing emotionally, and you tell me what you did. And that's because men find their value in what we do, or that's that's just universally known. That's why the first question every man asks each other is, what do you do? Right? So the first time I got up the courage to say, Yeah, I'm actually really anxious about this contract, and I'm not sure it's going to go through, and I'm a little bit, I'm a little bit scared, like, what happens if it doesn't? It took me, like, I don't know, a half hour to get the courage to say that. I'll never forget, she looked at me, she got water like, watery eyed, and she said, Thank you so much for just being honest. She said, for the first time in three years, I don't feel like I'm married to a robot. Yeah, because she's like, You just seem like you're this model of perfection, and nothing's ever wrong, and it makes me uncomfortable talking about the things that I'm struggling with, and so I can't connect with you, because it seems like you're perfect.
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Meanwhile, I was trying to be perfect, perfect, because I felt like I had to hold the line and take care of everything, and I'm, you know what I mean. And so it was this pivotal moment where I was like, she doesn't need to be me to be perfect, right? She needs me to just be present and be here. And that means sometimes exercising humility. Sometimes that means just saying, Yeah, I'm struggling today, and I have this hard conversation with my brother in law, or whatever could be anything, and then just simply putting the phone down and turning the TV off right, the phone is the hugest wedge in our relationships and so with our children. You know what that looks like is to pursue presence over perfection. Is to have the humility to apologize and say, Hey, Dad, got it wrong. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have raised my voice. I shouldn't have snapped. I shouldn't have talked to your mom that way. You know, I'm not perfect, but I'm really trying my best, you know? And that's the Leading the Leading the way, right? So my, when I say, What? What do they need?
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And when it comes to presence, that's kind of what I'm talking
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about, yeah, and they call that the do, the do over the just the ability to say you're sorry, and and then hold that, hold that moment. And it's interesting that you talk about the the. Fear of saying that you are scared about something or you're worried about something, because Andrew Hampton, who's a headmaster I interviewed, said that the thing that teenage boys fear most is shame, and that they don't like to talk about shame because it's shameful to say that you feel ashamed about something. And so I wonder, you know, I think it's very hard to then unpick that as you grow up and have those conversations, are you noticing a difference? Because obviously you sort of sweep pivoted. You found your group of men friends who can support you in this new journey. Generally. Are you noticing a difference around you in the way that men talk about parenting?
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Yeah, yeah, I would, I think so I like to think that the tide is turning, you know, slightly. I think that it's by far not enough yet.
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There's not enough conversation.
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But let's just quickly go back to what you're saying about teenage boys and then men struggling with emotions and how to be honest and open. There's actually a term coined for this.
00:26:38.129 --> 00:27:17.470
It's called normative male alexithymia. And that's a bit of a mouthful. Google it. But alexithymia, if you break that down from into the Greek it's a Lexus thymos, which literally means to be without words for emotion. And so if you put that together, normative male alexithymia means it's normal for males to be without words for emotions, meaning we it's a part of the male expression, and that's for a lot of different reasons, but we wrestle finding the words to say and talk about our emotions, and that's why, when our wives ask, Hey, what?
00:27:18.009 --> 00:27:32.889
I'll never forget, my wife asked me, how's your heart when we first got married? I'm like, Ah, what are you talking about? What is it? So that language felt so uncomfortable to me, but she was trying to connect on an emotional level. Her dad was an emotional man, right? Very emotionally intelligent.
00:27:33.069 --> 00:28:18.670
Intelligent. That was normal language for them. For me, it was not. And so if you're listening to this today, and you're a woman and you're in a relationship with a man that doesn't really talk about his feelings, understand that that's part of the normal, that is part of the male expression. And if you're a man listening and you wrestle with that, understand that you're not broken. All right, it's normal, but our wiring doesn't necessarily. Our wiring explains us, but it doesn't excuse us. There's a big difference, right? So because we have the resources today to learn how to be emotionally intelligent, to learn how to connect with our families and to be truly present. And so that is why I think so many men wrestle with their emotions. Does that make sense? Yeah, it does. I would
00:28:18.670 --> 00:29:30.309
question that, though, because I interviewed Brendan kriotkovsky about masculinity sometime back, and one of the things he said that really stuck with me was he said, you know, right from the age of, you know, four or five years old, the way that we relate to boys is different, and we we almost train out of them the opportunity to talk about their feelings and express themselves, because they learn very quickly that they really shouldn't be too upset by something, and that really what's the most useful word is, or sorry, the best expression is anger, like that's a really acceptable thing, rather than any other of the range of emotions that they might be feeling. And so then, if you haven't been trained to reach inside yourself and think, Oh, what is this, then you're not going to have those words. One of the things I talk about a lot is, you know, when we're discussing with our sons and they tell us something, one of the most useful things we can be doing with them is just saying it sounds like you're feeling this and trying to give them the words to identify that particular emotion, if we can see what that emotion might be, and they may say, No, it's not that at all. Or they may go, yeah, that because I think trying to encourage that lexicon is critically important. What are your thoughts about that?
00:29:30.909 --> 00:31:26.049
Absolutely, and that's exactly the reason why we're in the situation we're in today. It's cultural conditioning, you know, you think about it, right? We're just a few generations removed from extreme trauma, like you think about World War. Two men came back from that and didn't have resources. They had the bottle, they had the Legion or VA or wherever they went for support, but and they raised sons and taught them, hey, stuff it. I did, you know, deal with it, right? And of course, not every man did this. I'm generalizing, but the vast majority of us, and then those sons raised men in a similar way. And so I, I agree with you, 100% it's on us as parents, especially fathers, to understand the importance of helping our children with emotional intelligence, especially our sons, because the masculine in today's society, it's getting better, but we were really validated, and I would think we are promoting. Voted for what we do, how we contribute, what we build, how we provide, not how we feel or anything like that, right? So it's all about Do, do, do, and so that's why boys, I mean, one of the questions that boys grow up with asking themselves is, am I enough? Do I have it? What it takes, and it's up to our fathers to answer that question for our sons. Problem is, is when, when these boys grow up, if they don't have that question answered by their fathers, they're going to find that answer somewhere else. And so what happens, or they might not have that answer or that question answered? And so you got these grown men walking around like little boys, still asking that question, do I have what it takes? Am I enough? And they're looking and they're finding it, and they're finding that validation and work.
00:31:23.409 --> 00:31:49.589
They're finding that validation in whatever it is, and so legitimately, Rachel, with my clients, I've got a feelings list that like it's just a list of emotions, because, typically, as men and we got like, mad, sad, pissed off, anxious, you know, whatever, right, very, very few. There's maybe five.
00:31:44.250 --> 00:32:52.470
And so a list of emotions that that are descriptors, right, overwhelmed, impatient, irritated, right, whatever. And then for guys who can't even connect with that, I've got a I've got a chart of emojis, emojis like sad face, happy face, frustrated, because it's amazing, actually, how we connect with emojis. And they'll legit point to the one. They're like that. That is what I feel okay. Well, here are some words for that, right? And now, how can we say that? And how can we use that in our relationship to connect with our wives? Because, on an emotional level, because here's another statistic that'll that's kind of crazy. We know in the US today, up to 70% of divorces are initiated by the women in the relationship, right? And situations. But when you dig deeper into those statistics, in situations where the wife has a high education or is a high earner, that that number jumps to 90% nine out of every 10 divorces are initiated by women in those situations. Of those divorces, 80% of the time.
00:32:52.649 --> 00:33:47.009
The main reason cited for the divorce is not cheating, it's not money, it's not sex, it's not kids, it's a lack of emotional connection. Didn't feel connected to my my husband emotionally. I didn't feel like he cared about my feelings, because the feminine is driven by emotion, by relationship, by connection, and so if the if the female's greatest need is to connect on an emotional level, if that's 80% of the reason of nine, 90% of divorce being divorce has been initiated, then it's important for us as men to understand how to connect with our lives emotionally. Yes, and this is just for your marriage, exactly. And this is why I do the work I do, 98 99% of my work is helping men connect with their wives on an emotional level, because, because of all the reasons we said on the show, this is where we wrestle, right?
00:33:42.029 --> 00:33:57.529
And so we have situations where you start out, you know, in a great place, but then eventually you drift, because the man, that man's greatest needs, two greatest needs are to feel respected and to feel competent.
00:33:57.529 --> 00:34:07.430
A woman's needs are to feel seen, heard and safe. If we had more time, we could break those down. But what what a woman wants is to be loved, to be nurtured, to be connected with.
00:34:07.430 --> 00:34:09.710
But a husband doesn't necessarily need those things.
00:34:09.710 --> 00:34:50.070
He needs to be respected and competent. That's what he craves the most. And I've done this before, Rachel, you ask a room of 500 guys, would you rather hear the words from your wife, I love you or I respect you? 99% of the room the guys will put up their hand. They would rather hear the words I respect fascinating. Then I love you. It actually doesn't mean that much to us as men. Generally speaking, there's always exceptions. But if you're listening today and you're a woman, the most empowering thing you can say to your husband is, not I love you, is I believe in you. I'm so you're such a hard worker, like you can do anything. You know? I can live on that phrase for six months.
00:34:46.889 --> 00:35:36.690
You know what I mean? But here's what happens, right? Men crave that competence. They crave to be respected, but they get it at work because they can do they can do the work, they get the performance, they can measure the success, and they get that respect. And so they come home and they start giving their wife solutions, once she's talking about her emotions or feelings, and they shove a strategy down her throat, and she's like, What need your solution that gets vomited straight up, right? So she shuts down, and she's like, I just want you that she gets frustrated, and then he feels incompetent. He feels disrespected. So what does he do? He goes back to work to get his needs met. Now he becomes unloving because he's feeling disrespected, right? And then so she becomes. Not necessarily.
00:35:33.190 --> 00:36:09.529
She doesn't want to respect them the same way, because she feels unloved. So she finds her validation and needs. She gets her needs met from the other place where she can get loved, and that's her children. And so what happens is, we do this, we drift where a woman typically gets her needs met by her other friendships, children, and the husband gets his needs met at work. And then before you know it, like happened to me, we become roommates, wearing rings, just roommates sharing a mortgage, and we're living in the same house, but we have two different lives because we don't understand that core concept.
00:36:04.849 --> 00:36:29.170
And so if a man can come home and say, What can I do today to make my wife feel more seen, more heard and more safe. And if a woman can ask herself, when my husband comes to the door, how can I make him feel more respected and more competent? If you could simply just do that, oh, my goodness, 99% of your marriage challenges would go away.
00:36:29.829 --> 00:37:25.989
Yeah, that's fascinating. And the whole I've actually had men email me saying that they feel like they're losing contact with their kids and the wife has taken over. And you look at it and you think, Well, maybe it's about your relationship together, rather than necessarily what's going on with those kids. And that resonates exactly with exactly what you've been saying. I don't want to stop this until I've asked you about some of the listeners will be mums who don't have a male figure in their child's life, and that's going to be hard, they'll be listening to this going, Well, yeah, yeah, yeah. But do you have advice for them about how they or just anybody, where there's not a male figure, or there's a very inconsistent male figure, maybe it's they've got a dad, but he's living somewhere else. He doesn't turn up on time. He doesn't do any of these. What can we be doing to give our boys more sense of, you know, their place in the world and masculinity and a healthy masculinity?
00:37:27.489 --> 00:37:44.190
Yeah, I would say, find a man in your life that you trust and that you love and respect and that has clear, I would say, fruit in his life, clear evidence of he has a healthy marriage, he has healthy finances, he's in good shape.
00:37:44.190 --> 00:37:49.949
He's, you know, all those different things. Find that the healthiest man you can find.
00:37:47.190 --> 00:37:59.389
Maybe he's your maybe, if you're listening to your woman, he's your your father. Maybe he's your brother. Maybe he's, you know, it could be a guy. You know, there could be, like a church community of great men.
00:37:59.449 --> 00:38:44.489
You know, it could be anything, but get him around other men, not not just boys. He the boys need to or they need to be around boys. And girls need to be around girls, but they need to also be around men. They need to see how men interact with one another. They see, they need to say, see how men respond in times of tension, how they respond in times of conflict, or, you know, all those different things. And so I would just say, think about your life, like I did when I was looking for mentorship, really, because I was kind of that situation. I was a grown man, but I was a little boy at the same time looking for dads right to learn from and think about your social circle. Who is that model for you, or who is someone you know?
00:38:44.670 --> 00:40:01.789
And have that conversation. And I tell you what every man understands, to some degree, the importance of this instinctually inherently right. And so if I want to compliment, yeah, exactly, if, if a woman reached out to any man who's got any grain of wisdom and said, Hey, I'm struggling to find a man for my son or my daughter to like, connect with, would you be willing to come and hang out and take them out for ice cream or whatever. From time to time, I guarantee you, every single one of them would be humbled. They'd be flattered, and they would be so excited to do that. Or if that man has kids like hey, could could he come and hang out with or she come and hang out with you and your kids, just so that they can see, you know, because here's the thing, anyone who's who's in that position, who's done anything to develop and grow, understands how difficult that can be, and so they're never going to criticize you for wanting to be better, right? It's only the people that are behind you, or the people who you know, the haters they're they're going to be the people that pull you back, but they're not going to be where you go. So it really doesn't matter, right?
00:40:02.150 --> 00:40:11.090
So, so that would be my advice, is really do some work and and searching your community, and there are men, you just got to think about it, right?
00:40:11.929 --> 00:40:26.650
Yeah, I think that's terrific advice. And I do that for girls who are friends of my my daughters, because we should all be helping each other. So if you can even see a child in your community that may benefit from that sort of role, then you know, by all
00:40:26.650 --> 00:40:29.650
means, bring them in.
00:40:26.650 --> 00:40:30.369
Well, it takes a village to raise a child, right?
00:40:30.730 --> 00:40:35.009
Takes A Village. There aren't many there, but we can try Mitchell's. Lovely meeting you.
00:40:35.009 --> 00:40:42.989
Thank you so much. What's the best way for people to reach you if they are interested in talking to you about your work, finding your podcast?
00:40:43.469 --> 00:42:02.210
Yeah, thank you for asking. Appreciate that. And so yeah, you could just Google the dad nation you'll you'll find my face plastered everywhere. But if you go, if you search the dad nation podcast, you'll find me. There is something that, a little tool that I'd love to share with your listeners. If you're okay with that, please do, yeah, it's just something called the spark starter kit. Okay? And then we go back to men's challenges, connecting with their with their wives. And so I created this tool, actually, for my one to one clients, and we see, saw so much success that I decided to wrap it up in a digital little product and offer it to the rest of the world. And it's really tailored for the guy who struggles to connect with his wife on an emotional level like this. And so in the kit there is, I say it's your romance on autopilot for an entire year. If you're if you're feeling like your marriage is a little dull, little like you haven't been intimate, you feel like just really effective roommates. This will reset the romance completely. And it all comes in a really simple by a link, and it's like, cheaper than a bouquet of flowers that must be real are gonna die within a week. So I've literally had women email me after their husbands bought the kit and be like, who was that man that took me out last night? You know. So anyways, if that sounds like interest to you, just go to spark starter kit com, or I'll give you the link in the show and you can put it in the show notes.
00:42:02.210 --> 00:42:15.489
Yeah, brilliant. That's great. Thank you so much. Mitchell. If you enjoyed this, please send it to anybody that you think might benefit from it, whether it's in your community, school, friends, whatever, and do that right now.
00:42:15.550 --> 00:42:45.389
And if you want to contact me, I'm teenagersuntangled@gmail.com or you can go to my sub stack, which is teenagersuntangled.substack.com where I have a lot more writing, much more in depth stuff. You can also subscribe, and then you get PDFs which give you the show information in sort of bullet point form, so it's much more easy to digest it than just listening over and over again, which I know some of you listeners do, and that's it for now. Thank you so much. Thank you, Mitchell. Have a great week. Big hug from me. Bye.
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