Transcript
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Hello and welcome to teenagers untangled the award winning audio hug for parents going through the teenage years I Rachel Richards parenting coach, mother of two teenagers and two bonus daughters.
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Hi there, I'm Susie Asli, mindfulness coach, mindful therapist, musician and mother of three teenagers, two of them are twins.
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Now Susie, we recently talked about charging our teens rent for living at home. And I know that some of our parents who are just starting out on this journey might think it's not for them.
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But I would argue that looking ahead to what our teens might become, later on, is actually quite helpful, because it gives us a better sense of what we're trying to achieve, doesn't it?
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It was a real eye opener for me because I thought I didn't realize how much attitudes actually varied around the world. And we've had some great feedback from parents who have teens at home. One mom charges rent and has regular meetings where she goes through the household bills, and one lady said that she doesn't charge rent for her son. He's doing an apprenticeship. He's paying for his own transport and lunches.
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Another listener contacted me to say she has a friend who complains about how exhausted she is and has a son who's doing an apprenticeship. She wakes him up in the morning makes him breakfast ions, his clothes, pretty much does everything. And I mean, I would say in that situation, maybe she needs to set some more boundaries, if she's struggling with, you know, struggling
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with it. So it's not sitting well, it's all about Yes, how it is. Anyway,
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listen to Katie told me it's a transition point for her. She's muddling through.
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Her daughter is at work until odd hours and travel safety is a worry where that's concerned. So they don't suddenly turn into adults do they realize and so disappointing? Yeah. Overnight.
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Open the doors are still there teenager. So we don't stop being concerned.
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It's also nice, a really nice transition time, I
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think. Yeah. So it's just trying to work out how we transition. So I think we're talking about the following chapter about parenting styles of parenting, but for like aging parent when they're younger, good. Wow, that can actually pan out. And I'm how we can as they get a bit older. And that was
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you got some categories. But I do have quite a funny one. I will I think I was talking they were talking about the podcast.
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We put it on the website.
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Yeah, I did say that. They wanted a quick question. And then my youngest boy, decided it would be a really great idea. Did I say how to set up a rival podcast. So he's gonna cook up?
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I love it. I love it. My partner jumped
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in on this. So they are they're going to do it together. I mean, whether if it was very funny conversation about what they're going to include, and it's going to, it's going to kind of knock us out of the park.
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I think there's there's a gap. There's a gap there, what men and young young boys and they both
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talk a lot of rubbish. So I can't wait to hear.
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Well, we will let you know when it when it finally launches. Brilliant. I love that might I get this week is to do with what we're talking about this week. And it's about the way that we transition our kids from being young kids that had everything done for them to people who are making a good contribution in the household.
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And we had somebody write in and say, Look, I'm having struggling with my kids. Because every time I try and get them to do things, they that it just turns into an argument are you did this and I'm not doing that. And and I said why don't you just completely reframe the conversation and talk in terms of teams. And when it comes to teams, we don't all do the same thing. We're bringing different qualities into a team. So I will start with myself and I say things like, Well, I've just planned a meal I shopped I cooked the meal. So what are you going to do for the team? And let them come up with suggestions because I've often found that if I try and tell someone to do something, and that's not what they're good at, they just won't want to do it.
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Or they'll do it badly, just deliberately to not have to do it. And you know, I found my husband is actually really good at drying up. I love that. Yes.
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And one of them. One of them comes in and she always likes to lay the table the other one yet, right. So we're not amazing enough that I'm going to try that it really works. And I think then they get to choose so there's less resistance. And they realize that they're an important part of
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this. And it's you're a part of a whole rather than doing them a favor.
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Yes, exactly.
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And it moves the entire conversation on from them being children. You've now started to treat them with respect and what do teens love? Bit of respect?
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Yeah, anything? Yeah. Before we move on to actually talking about parenting Susie you have a review that? Would you like to read it out?
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Yes. So the review is lovely. And she writes, thank you so much for following back.
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I listened to your show on Spotify. I love your approach.
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Thank you for guiding me through parenthood. Keep up the good work. Your podcast is the best.
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I have come across with three love hearts. Oh, lovely lady called Illini. So thank you so much
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for that is amazing. The best the best.
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Maybe she doesn't listen to other podcast, maybe?
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Don't Don't just keep us.
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Okay, so coming back to parenting and how we move towards our teens becoming fully fledged adults. I want to touch on some of the parenting styles that are common in early earlier years. And if you think back to our first episode, you remember how we talked about how parenting exists on a spectrum?
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And you can have almost like two sliders, one of them's love. So where how much of love do you show? And how are your rules set? Do you remember that? Yeah.
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So yes. So it's gonna be different for everybody. You know, but we love a little category don't we do? So? I'm not gonna go back to that, because you can actually listen to that one. But there are some terms that I thought were fun.
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One of them is a free range parent.
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You heard that one?
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Yeah,
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I think you're a free range parent, Tiger.
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Probably, but you see these things, you know, there are different types of free range.
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Tiger parent, bulldozer parent, and helicopter parent. I knew that lots of different types.
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But here's here's four that I think are fun. I'm going to say that none of them are wrong. And none of them are right aren't necessarily bad or good. They can have benefits, they can also cause problems. What I'd like to do is focus like let's just show you what they are. So a free range parent tends to be more permissive. They allow their kids freedom to make mistakes, explore, try new things without too much guidance. And they believe kids can learn problem solving through skills through trial and error. They're convinced natural consequences are some of life's best teachers. Oh, yes, that's
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me. That's exactly sometimes I usually usually, Tiger
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parents push their kids to succeed with strict rules, regimented lifestyle that emphasizes hard work over fun. And we know that's come over from a more Asian culture. Yeah. I don't think many of those parents are actually listening to this podcast. Because we see chaotic.
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Exactly. So. So anyway. And then there's helicopter parents who keep hyper vigilant eye on everything their child is doing both to help them and protect them. And then the bulldozer parents are on the other end of that kind of protection spectrum, they actually mowing down all the obstacles that threaten their kids. So I saw a really good example of how you can sum these up. Let's say, you've got a child who says I want they want to walk to the store alone. Yeah. The free range parent will say, Sure, can you pick up some milk while you're there? The helicopter parent would say, Sure, I'll watch you all the way to make sure you stay safe. The bulldozer parent would say, Sure, I'll walk ahead of you and make sure it's safe. You wait for me to tell you when it's safe to cross the road. The Tiger parent will say no, you need to practice your violin for another hour. So now, what's happening in parenting is that we've shifted, I think there used to be more. I did it used to be more free range parenting.
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I think parenting used to be more stand back ish, not free range necessarily withstand baggage. And in the past few generations, our western culture has increasingly encouraged parents to do things for their children that you could argue kids can do for themselves.
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Yeah.
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And there's lots of reasons for that, aren't there?
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It's this, you know, the way society is, and all of the different ways that school is run and all of that. And yes, safety is there's lots of reasons for it. Yes,
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absolutely. And they all add up to a kind of general feeling about how you need to be a good parent. And the way to think about it is we've moved potentially, from caring for our children to caretaking. And the question is, how does that impact them? Now many parents find themselves solving problems for their children long into adulthood, if they're caretaking. And it's completely understandable. Many of us remember our own childhood pain, we empathize with our kids when they come home crying because nobody likes them. You know, there will be reasons why we feel that we need to step in.
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And so let's just come back to this two caretaking parenting styles that I think are quite interesting as a helicopter parent and a bulldozer parent.
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The term for the helicopter parent was first coined in 1969.
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In a book titled between parent and teenager, they tend to be extremely close attention to their kids activities and schoolwork and what they're trying to do is protect and help them. Now, college administrators have used the term a lot to refer to parents who continue to try and what share with their kids when they've got to college. Yes. Why do parents do this?
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I mean, I definitely recognize it. And even though I would categorize myself as free range, I think we overlap and it depends on the kid and the context and situation.
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Interesting overlaps always isn't whenever one or the other.
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No, no, exactly. And that's why we talk about a sliding scale. And I think we vary enormously. We're just trying to simplify it a bit. But certainly, and I think the parents do these things, because first of all, probably they want to give their children the best. And potentially what they've never had social pressure, parents frequently think if their child is not doing well at something, it's going to reflect badly on them.
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They want to feel needed. Yeah.
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Because that comes into it. And a lot of parents who find it hard to let go quite like that role of being loved and needed.
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And, and also fear of your child getting hurt. Yeah,
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fear of them crashing and burning. You get all these dreadful stories of if your kid doesn't get these, these grades, if that's your you know, how you what you think is important, then this is what will happen or not. And it's it's fear.
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And I think we have noticed, interestingly, when we talked about teenage delinquency, there's this malaise, this fear that our society is getting more dangerous, but in actual fact, they are behaving themselves far better, and exposing them to cells to far less, you know, conventional danger than they used to. But there are other knock on effects, but I
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fancy helicopter parents in terms of grades in school and sort of overwhelming in that area. And yeah, there's a lot of fear around that. Yes.
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Like, am I a helicopter parent, are you deeply involved in your kids lives to the point where your own activities and interests completely take a backseat. So maybe even the family budget is skewed towards, you know, them and their needs a tendency to over shedule your kids in an effort to give them a competitive edge in everything.
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And you might even try to manage your child's friendships and their social standing. So these are sorts, the sorts of things that might identify you, as helicopter parents, so
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many gray areas, so many gray areas, I think all parents would relate to all of those, to some extent. Yeah, it's a lot of grace. And
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they and most helicopter parents wouldn't necessarily see what they're doing now is in any way bad.
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Because they they're looking after their children. And
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that's really important isn't it? Is the intention behind what they're doing, it's coming from a really loving place, and maybe it comes out in a way that is not so helpful for the kids always,
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well, it can be incredibly positive. So here are the positives, you know, their children arrive on time, they have their homework done, they're prepared for their activities, they have lots of support and guidance. They, these parents are often the people who first to volunteer at school, they're in the PTA PTA.
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And, you know, we benefit in, in a community often from what these parents are doing. Yeah.
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And
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these kids feel secure and safe. With that don't know, I guess, to a certain maybe to a certain age, and they want to it depends on how it's done, doesn't it? Because, you know, yeah, you want your kids to feel safe and secure, and you want to do the things that help them feel safe and secure. So there's nothing wrong in that at
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all, nothing wrong at all. So you know, there are real benefits to this, the bulldozer parent, these are well intentioned parents who they want a smooth, obstacle free path for their children. And they'll intervene at the slightest sign of difficulty, or distress. So this can include resolving conflicts on their behalf completing tasks for them. I knew kids like that, influencing decisions to guarantee their success. Now, did you see that college scandal in the US where the parents actually paid to get their kids into colleges, sometimes without their kids knowledge? Crazy? I
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mean, that bit the last bit without their their kids knowledge is just nuts, isn't it? It's incredible.
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And she was college age. Yes. And these people, they might be doing the kids chores, they're fixing all their problems. The roots of this kind of bulldozer parenting, again, it's increased competitiveness in education and the job market. So the parents are trying to do everything they can to give their kids a leg up, which makes
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total sense. It's really logical and really understandable.
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It makes total sense. It's very damaging to society. To the kids. Yes. I mean, I watched the varsity blues scandal on Netflix. And it was fascinating. We all just went, I have not seen watch. It is really entertaining and quite horrible. But it takes away their agency. It does all of that. That's exactly that. So why does it matter? There's a lack of self advocacy, and problem solving skills. So these kids, if you if you step into March, they don't get the chance. They have to have the opportunity to gain clarification, to ask questions to step in where and to listen to their inner voice and think oh, I don't like this. And rather than coming back to you and getting you to do staff to be to learn how to do this, and it doesn't happen overnight. No, they need to practice it.
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They do and it can be I think, I think because I recognize quite a lot that even though I see myself as not parented So I'm sitting here going, Oh, interesting, isn't this really interesting? But it's, there's so much gray in it. And it's, as you say, a practice and it depends on on the child and, and it's practicing, I think practicing, you know, giving them a bit of responsibility, and making them feel like they are supported within that so that they then can take the reins the next time. This is how you do it.
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Yes. Rather than write was all yours now by? Yeah,
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no. And that doesn't help anybody either.
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Because they just feel completely lost. Yeah, overwhelmed. Yeah, absolutely.
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It can cause low self esteem, because what you're really saying is you're saying they're not capable of handling it themselves. So that's definitely not what these parents are trying to do. But that could be the knock on impact. It can then cause apathy. Because if you feel that you don't have agency over your life, then what's the point? Yeah, or that our mom will fix? It
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doesn't really matter. Yes, would
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use resilience because they haven't practice coming out overcoming adversity, they don't really understand how to do it. And you know, if parents are stepping in trying to fix relationships, it can cause real problems in relationships, because they again, they don't learn how to apologize. And this has been the big transition for my kids, where they said, Oh, you can't actually put ask people around for a play date. Now I actually have to do it myself. Because I used to do that when they were little, they'd have an argument, I say, right, let's get them together, they can play the Lord like each other. It's not
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like that, no, you got to do that yourself, they have to do it themselves, we can talk to them away from their situation and still support them and be, you know, be really nurturing in that way that, and then they have to do it themselves as the helicopter, I guess, would just go in and do it and all the soldiers,
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well, the bulldozer would definitely just go in and fix it, the helicopter might spend all their time trying to micromanage it. And what we can do is just sit by their side and just look at the problem and say, Well, you know, let them think through the problem, and how would I fix this? What can I do? And you can bounce ideas off them? So they've got another head? Yeah,
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I guess what I'm thinking sitting here thinking, is that helicopter parenting?
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And is is you know, next, the thing next door to it is doing nothing. Yes. And that's not right. It's I think maybe that's how its presented in society.
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You either you're doing everything for your kid and spoiling them, or you take your hands off the word completely.
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And then they have to do everything. And of course, there's a you know, there's a whole whole massive buffer zone in between where we're helping you nurturing and supporting.
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And
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I think that's the thing that parents are struggling with, because we're trying to think so what you know, how do I be a good parent?
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Okay, I want to show them love and attention. But actually making that that middle ground can be very, very difficult to find. And
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it's boundaries, isn't it? It's like this, this is my intention I want, okay, for example, I want my kids to feel safe on hand and to feel okay, and resilient, etc. And this is what I will do with you for you. And this is what you need to do yourself and being clear on that, I guess.
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Yes. So how do we encourage this, this transition this autonomy in our children, we need to try and start reasonably early, but it's never too late. And it's allowing your child to make some mistakes. Yeah. But rather than dropping them, like you said, if you just kind of let them get on with it, then they're really going to be stumbling and struggling. So it's about feeling quite anxious because they're overwhelmed. Yes. So it's about sitting side by side, as they call it, shoulder to shoulder parenting, where you look out together, you know, like they have in therapy circles, where triangles, you know, where you actually sit next to them look out at the problem. And together, you can actually brainstorm answers.
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Yeah. And but that has to be done in an open communication way. non judgmental, and then the kids feel that they're supported, but that they can go Yeah, and you just say, so you can go and do it. But this is how it might be done. And maybe the
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first point of call is always the thing that I bang on about, which is like looking inside first, like, what is your need, as a parent in this? Why do you want to behave in this way? Why do you want to fix it?
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If that's what you want to do?
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Why do you want to make it easy for them? Is that because you're panicking, or you have a pain spot, a blind spot that you're unaware of, you know, first unpicking that, and then you can be for them, be with them and be for them in a in a more authentic way. That's probably been more helpful.
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I think that's absolutely spot on. I think. So often, when we talk about anything in our episodes, it's looking inside and thinking, Why am I feeling this way because it's so painful, you know, when you see when you see your child going through some form of trauma, and you desperately just want to fix it because you experience it in a in a visceral way. And we have to sit with that and be prepared to cope ourselves with not stepping in and fixing it,
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learning to sit in the discomfort of the of the situation and unpicking that why is it uncomfortable? And can I sit with it? I mean, I had that experience with and my eldest wouldn't mind me saying this. He had quite a bumpy a level journey. And, you know, desperately wanted to jump in and fix it all and I couldn't and I probably went over the line a few times. was by supporting him and I would do it again, I would be okay with doing that. But it's I really sat myself down and went through the whole sort of the scenario in my head, okay, if this happens, what if this happens?
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What if this happens? What? Can I sit with all of that? Yes.
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Okay took a little while. Yes, I can sit with all of that What ever happens? He will be fine.
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And I will be fine. And I can sit with all of it. Okay, now I can help you. I love
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that. Yeah. So you've actually dealt with all the consequences yourself?
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Before. You've had to be able to sit there and say it's okay.
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I'm not reacting or not reacting from my own crap.
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Yes. I mean, I might be reactive in the situation, but it's not my own stuff. Yeah. Yeah.
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And teaching your children early on that being open with you is a good thing is I think it's fundamental. It's funny, I've just been, I've been thinking a lot about good parenting, and talking to people further down the line, who are adults who, and they'll say, you know, the thing that we I really struggle with is when I even bring up something that my parents did wrong, or that, you know, affected me in a bad way.
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They'll shut me down and say, Oh, great. So now it's all my fault. And yeah, because they feel they feel pain. We hate being blamed for something. And rather than saying, oh, yeah, no, I found it really hard. It was a really difficult thing to work out. And I didn't do that quite right. Thanks for telling me. You know, and then I'm really sorry. You feel that way?
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Yeah. And being open to that, because I think we really struggle with a sense that we're getting it wrong. And then our kids play Master. Yes, yeah.
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I did a feedback thing with my kids was so interesting. twins who are a bit younger, they, they want to do it, but they wanted to do and agree. We just haven't got around to doing it yet. But my eldest who's now 18, he, he did you give me some feedback as parents? I love it. It was so interesting. It was very positive. It was very lovely.
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But yeah, I think it's a good thing to do. It's really good.
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And if you do it with a bit of lightness as well, it was good.
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It was really, it was really enlightening it.
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So giving them chores can also really, really support this. So I know that it's hard work. Sometimes when they do give you attitude, or they push back or they just don't want to, it's really about starting them down that that route of knowing that they can actually take control of their life and they are responsible.
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Yeah. And remembering. We've talked about this a few times, isn't it? And I remember, you know, nobody wants to do chores. When they go no, I don't want to it's not a personal attack. It's just I don't want to do the washing.
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It's got to be done. Yeah. What happens is they approach adulthood. So we've got this situation where we get triggered we get scared, you know, am I good parents, I want to my children had the best and all these things that we worry about.
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And to be honest, a lot of us take our parenting jobs super serious. listening to this podcast, probably also otherwise, listening. And we we take it seriously when when we those fears are real. They're real, very
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real. And the caretaking will creep up has not creep up on us it doesn't it nobody wakes up and goes right.
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I'm going to completely control my child's life. You wake up and you think what is that? We're actually doing that once you become aware of it.
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Yeah, I just want to get over this hurdle, and then I'll back off, I just didn't get exactly
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and then they'll be fine. And then they'll be fine. But will they say so you know, we suffer conflicting emotions, we can feel anger and frustration that the child's entitlement. But at the same time, we're fearful that if we don't give them things, then something terrible will happen. Yeah. So I read a really interesting bit was, which was talking about emotional buttons. And that these are your ATM buttons. And that when the child or the teenager or the young adult pushes that button, that's where the stuff that they want comes out. So being aware is not is not again, it's not about pointing your finger. It's about saying okay, now I know that these are my button. Yes. Then you can be more conscious. And they all I've just felt that button being pressed. And that's not necessarily helping anybody here. Oh, I
00:24:04.079 --> 00:24:30.930
love that. Is this all down to awareness? Isn't it all awareness in your body? And another point of awareness, which I think is really important when we're talking about this is noticing our thoughts. So you know, when we're having those worrying thoughts about our kids, which we all have, I've had will have bajillion if that's even a word bajillion. And they are, you know, we have this negative bias that we've also talked about a few times on this podcast, you know, we have a negative bias.
00:24:28.019 --> 00:24:42.660
It's a survival instinct. So our thoughts are weighted to the negative so they quickly spiral into oh my god, my kid's going to be homeless on the street or be you know, dead and I gotta absent within a nanosecond. I'm exaggerating, but you get my point.
00:24:42.960 --> 00:24:44.069
That's that's the critical
00:24:44.309 --> 00:24:51.630
morning. Yeah. It's sort of stopping hang on a minute. Yes. Is this thought true? Or am I just in a panic spiral?
00:24:51.660 --> 00:25:03.869
Yes, yes. So those buttons we can I can name a few so that we can help ourselves and think Oh, is that one of my buttons? There's the fear button. So if you worry about your child's a lot, you probably do have a fear button.
00:25:04.950 --> 00:25:19.230
If you you can have a guilt button where you blame yourself for your child's problems. So quite often we see something happening with our child and we just feel terrible about it. But it might not be necessarily things we've done or we're doing. And the guilt won't help us.
00:25:19.230 --> 00:25:23.309
Yeah. And that's fear base to his own ability rather than absolutely
00:25:23.579 --> 00:25:42.029
sympathy feeling sorry for the child, you know, the child sort of plays on that and goes all it's been so hard for me, you know, I have these issues, so and then that's very easy to then feel sympathetic towards them. But you don't necessarily help them by feeling sympathy, because you're enabling inability.
00:25:42.119 --> 00:25:52.529
Yeah, I mean, we can always we can always empathize with them, can't we like we can we relate, or I really understand that you feel that way that makes total sense to me. And I really think you should do this yourself. Yes.
00:25:52.589 --> 00:26:03.000
And my friend summed it up as learned dependence, that when we feel sympathy for somebody, say they've got a learning difficulty, then there's a tendency to feel sorry for them.
00:26:00.240 --> 00:26:25.710
And then you just allow things to slide. But what they do is they learn dependent, and then they don't have agency, these buttons are the ones that they'll press because they know that it so it's an easy way to just get an easier ride. And we all we all as human beings, we quite like an easy ride. So we're not saying they're bad people, they're just human beings. And eventually, if you keep saying, will you do this, will you do this? Or is this going to happen? Is this? Are you going to go look for a job?
00:26:25.710 --> 00:26:32.130
Are you going to and they just doing that they pressed all the other buttons, eventually they'll expect you to just get worn out? And then you'll just give
00:26:32.130 --> 00:26:35.730
up? Yeah. No one's probably quite effective.
00:26:35.789 --> 00:27:25.319
It's quite effective. I think it's very effective. And then the last one is intimidation. You know, some people feel physically intimidated by their child. So yeah, so the question is, where are you know where you are, know what your buttons are? And also just know what your boundaries are? And question your thoughts, question your thoughts. And you can then change your view, you can then look at it and say, Is all this stuff you've been saying? Is this real? Or is this just fear based? Or one of these other buttons? That's actually coming up? Yeah. And how do I create the home I want? So the hope the creating the home you want, particularly when they've got to an older stage, and they are now let's say they're going out and working, but they don't have enough money to really pay bills and things? It's very worthwhile thinking about, well, would I actually give next door neighbor's person who came and lived here? Would I allow this to happen? That's
00:27:25.318 --> 00:27:34.318
interesting way. I'm not sure I would ever see it that way. I don't know. But I've not been in that situation. But I don't know. Maybe I would.
00:27:29.999 --> 00:27:35.009
Because they will always be family members.
00:27:35.279 --> 00:27:36.869
They're always going to be your family member.
00:27:36.869 --> 00:27:59.880
I think I'm just using that as a way of getting a little bit of distance and saying, okay, they're doing this, it feels a bit wrong, like something's not right. So how do I how do I deal with this? Well, if it was my neighbor's child, how would I view that situation? And it can be things so and that's about communication. It's about saying, Okay, I feel this way about it. something's not quite right. And
00:28:00.509 --> 00:28:03.029
in a case of resentment starts to come. Haha.
00:28:03.059 --> 00:28:15.450
That's usually when we feel a little bit. Yes. Oh, why am I doing this kind of thing? And if we don't act upon that, then yeah, no, I think using the neighbor as an example is a good way of distancing ourselves.
00:28:12.000 --> 00:28:15.900
Hype. It's sort of in in theory tests.
00:28:16.049 --> 00:28:17.880
Yes, exactly.
00:28:16.049 --> 00:29:03.599
Because they'll come to you. And they'll say, oh, you know, I didn't turn up for work. And I just can't be bothered. You think? Well, if that was my neighbor's child, would I be thinking about that? Yeah. So I'm just saying it gives you a chance to step away from it. And you know, if you're going to sit down with them, it's worth looking at things like when, what time are they coming in at night, because you don't want to be the parent, you know, with a curfew. But if they're coming in at three in the morning, disturbing everyone in the house, you have a right to actually have a good night's sleep, or you know, things like that. So it's just talking about the communication, the communication, you're not your child's made. So what are the requirements? If they're going to live in the house, you know, you're going to continue ironing all their clothes, making them breakfast, making them lunch, clearing up onto some, but you know, where are you sitting
00:29:03.808 --> 00:29:07.138
in Texas tuning in?
00:29:03.808 --> 00:29:07.138
What is it? What is not? Okay?
00:29:07.138 --> 00:29:23.098
When there isn't a list that is right or wrong? It's what works for you? Because like the example of someone coming in at 3am, if they're not making a noise, and it's not affect anyone, and who cares? Who cares? It's when it's affecting everybody else or affecting you, then then it's a problem, isn't it? It's just picking picking apart every situation.
00:29:23.128 --> 00:29:48.419
If you're going to live in a house with somebody when they're getting older. It's just you can actually look at these things and think what is causing the imbalance? What is causing slight resentment? How am I feeling? And the problem is you may be saying, Oh, well, I love it. I love having my child at home. It's so nice. It's so wonderful. The other question is, is this actually enabling them to build the skills that they want to to live a life that they would like to do?
00:29:48.599 --> 00:29:50.640
Or is it just serving you? Is it just said
00:29:52.108 --> 00:30:13.858
yes. Could be yes. So it's just that I think the way I would deal with it is, let's say I had an 18 year Old, like my friend has, who is now going to work and an apprenticeship, I would be very slowly teasing out the things that she could do for herself.
00:30:09.538 --> 00:30:33.659
So, you know, after a week or so of her being perfectly capable of coping with certain things, I'd give her a little bit more responsibility. And you just slowly, they don't even even have to notice it, but you slowly move them on so that they are able to cope, because you don't want them to suddenly have to deal with commuting deal with having to make their own lunch deal with, you know, all that is very tough age.
00:30:33.660 --> 00:30:38.099
I mean, as we've found on about many times in the brain isn't quite formed yet.
00:30:35.640 --> 00:30:41.369
And there's a bit it's a big deal. So you know, helping them and making that transition.
00:30:41.640 --> 00:31:11.160
nurturing and smooth is really beautiful. Yeah. But I love the way you talk about, you know, just doing little gentle things to kind of show them and I think as they get older, and they get more mature, they and they are out in the world, whatever they're doing or not doing. They do start to see adults as you know, that we are adults that we people and that you know, we're doing stuff and it's we're not just the caretaker, yes, caring, yes, you know that we are doing stuff and that they need to do some of it themselves. I think sometimes that just happens organically.
00:31:11.400 --> 00:31:27.630
Yeah. But coming back to that team thing, you know, start you start moving towards being a team. Yeah, you're all working together. And it's that still a family. That's a very loving family. But it's where you don't have one person having to do everything, just one type. If that doesn't suit you, yeah, some people that's what they want. Yeah.
00:31:27.660 --> 00:31:33.269
And maybe they see siblings still at home and they start to recognize their role differently. It all transitions.
00:31:33.299 --> 00:31:42.180
Yes. So there are going to be some bumpy roads ahead. Susie and I are beginning to move out of those early teen years and we're on to that next stage and
00:31:42.180 --> 00:31:49.440
my partner son I spoke to him about this very briefly and he had another another category which was nuclear bomb parenting
00:31:52.588 --> 00:31:57.749
that's kind of like clearing the entire ground like yeah, and did everyone die what happened?
00:31:57.750 --> 00:32:12.150
I'm not sure the specifics, but it was like it was it was big. Wow. And is has generational effects. Not saying wow, his parents did that. It was just a different different approach. Wow.
00:32:12.210 --> 00:32:54.299
Okay, so tell us if you've met a nuclear bomb parents yes, yes. And like you say radiation that goes continues generation after generation. Well, if you liked what you hear there was a favor hit that follow button because it means you won't miss an episode and it also makes us easier to find other parents. Is this the stage you're at? Would you like us to talk about an issue you're facing? You can send requests to teenagers untangled@gmail.com or come to the website www dot teenagers untangled.com You can read that review there access all the other episodes. We have a blog series you can be reached on all social media and she has her own website with a blog. What is
00:32:54.299 --> 00:32:58.890
WWW dot unmindful hyphen life.co.uk
00:32:59.549 --> 00:33:07.980
I think that's all just remember, you're never alone. You're part of our big parenting community. And we've got your back. Goodbye for now.
00:33:06.000 --> 00:33:07.980
Bye bye for now.
