March 24, 2026

Helping Teens Handle Disappointment: University Rejection, Perfectionism and the Pressure to Always Win

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Ask Rachel anything A listener wrote to say both she and her son felt pretty stunned after he was rejected from the university he'd set his heart on. She asked for the best way to help our teenagers cope with this sort of disappointment. I thought it was a great question and a good opportunity to also look at how we parents best navigate when your teen has worked for years toward a dream - a top university place, exam results, a team, a part - and it doesn’t happen. The disappointment c...

Ask Rachel anything

A listener wrote to say both she and her son felt pretty stunned after he was rejected from the university he'd set his heart on. She asked for the best way to help our teenagers cope with this sort of disappointment.

I thought it was a great question and a good opportunity to also look at how we parents best navigate when your teen has worked for years toward a dream - a top university place, exam results, a team, a part - and it doesn’t happen. The disappointment can feel earth‑shattering for them and gut‑wrenching for you.

In this episode I talk with Dr Dominique Thompson, award‑winning GP and young people’s mental health expert, about how to support teenagers through big disappointments such as university rejection, exam failure, and missed opportunities – without rescuing them or minimising their feelings.

We explore:

What teens are actually grieving when things go wrong – including the loss of an imagined future
How to validate their emotions while gently stopping catastrophic thinking
The difference between building resilience and teaching kids to suppress their feelings
Why today’s culture of perfectionism and “being the best” is driving anxiety, burnout and fear of failure
How to help teens separate self‑worth from grades, offers and achievements
Practical ways to prepare teens for university life, academic stress and independence
When dropping out isn’t the only option – how to press pause, get help and return stronger
What to do if your teen feels “left behind” while friends move on to university or big opportunities
How parents can be a “safe harbour”: supportive, boundaried, and not adding their own disappointment to their teen’s load

If you’re a parent wondering how to respond when your child says, “I’ve failed you,” or “There’s no point trying,” this conversation will give you concrete language, mindset shifts and step‑by‑step strategies to help them cope, reframe, and find a new path forward.

Dr Dominique Thompson: is a multi-award winning former GP, young people's mental health expert, TEDx speaker, author and educator, with over two decades of NHS clinical experience.

Dom now works as an international independent mental health consultant and speaker, President of the Student Health Association, membership of the UK government’s Higher Education Mental Health Implementation Taskforce, and Clinical Advisor to NICE and Student Minds.

She is author of The Student Wellbeing Series for young people, and co-author of How to Grow a Grown Up (PenguinRandomHouse) for parents.

dominique.thompson@me.com

https://www.i

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You can reach Susie at www.amindful-life.co.uk

02:00 - What Teens Lose When Dreams Collapse: The ‘Imagined Future’

05:00 - Resilience vs Suppressing Feelings: Getting It Right as Parents

08:00 - Self‑Worth Beyond Grades: Undoing the Achievement Trap

12:00 - The Perfectionism Epidemic in Teens and Students

16:00 - Supporting Teens at University Without Over‑Parenting

20:00 - Independence, Tracking Apps and the Problem of Over‑Involved Parents

24:00 - When Your Teen Wants to Drop Out: Pressing Pause, Not Quit

28:00 - Helping Students Make Friends: Loneliness, Clubs and Volunteering

32:00 - Reframing Failure and ‘Being Left Behind’

35:00 - Being a Safe Harbour: What Teens Need Most from Parents

WEBVTT

00:00:03.720 --> 00:00:56.920
Hello and welcome to teenagers. Untangled the audio hug for anyone going through the tween and teen years, I'm Rachel Richards, journalist, mother of two teenagers and two bonus daughters. Now, what do we do when our kids have worked really hard for something and it didn't go to plan? That's today's question. Prompted by an email from a listener whose son had his heart set on going to Cambridge University, but he didn't get in. And for us parents, while it can be a gut wrenching jolt and trying to steady ourselves when our kids are upset can be a challenge in itself. And with this in mind, I contacted Dr Dominique Thompson, a multi award winning young people's mental health expert, author, president of the UK student health association and TEDx, speaker on what I learned from 78,000 doctors consultations with university students. Well, who could we ask that's better on this subject?

00:00:53.792 --> 00:00:56.920
Hey, welcome Dominique.

00:00:57.219 --> 00:00:58.899
Thank you.

00:00:57.219 --> 00:00:58.899
Thank you so much.

00:00:59.799 --> 00:01:06.480
Now, when something a teenager has pinned their hopes on falls apart, what do you think is actually being lost for them?

00:01:06.480 --> 00:01:52.000
Emotionally, it's a really important thing to think about, because disappointment, we know, is a natural part of life, but when you're having your first disappointments, the big ones in life, there's a lot going on for them. So it might be that their first exam failed, or failing their driving test, or first relationship fails. You know, all of those things are big events. So I think that there's three main things going on. And I think of there's that first of all, that realization that life is difficult, there are going to be these disappointments, and that that might make them feel quite down. Then there's uncertainty. And uncertainty makes us all feel anxious. We don't like it when we don't know what's going to happen, that feeling of not being in control.

00:01:52.359 --> 00:02:19.740
And then, for me, the third thing is all about the loss of the imagined future, the hopes, the dreams, that seems to sort of maybe fade away for a bit or out of reach, and so there may be a sense of hopelessness or feeling quite flat after that. I guess our role, therefore, is to help them to manage those sorts of disappointments and think about, you know, what strategies can they use, and how are they going to get through it? Yeah, it's

00:02:20.460 --> 00:02:43.060
funny, isn't it, because we get to this age and we've seen many, many failures and many problems that we've managed to resurface from, but it's such a big thing when they're young, and I think the instinct for us is to really make our kids feel better. But do you think there's a difference between encouraging resilience and accidentally teaching our teenager to to maybe suppress or minimize their feelings or rescue them?

00:02:44.259 --> 00:03:44.979
Yes, I think we have to recognize, of course, that resilience is a process. It doesn't happen instantaneously. And so what we're trying to teach them when we talk about resilience or resourcefulness, which is another nice word to think about it as, is that they're going to have to take time to notice how they're feeling about something, acknowledge those feelings, those emotions. They may be very valid, very normal. They may range from sadness through to anger. And it's not about suppressing any of those, but it is about noticing them and perhaps thinking about, you know, what is socially appropriate, potentially, if it's anger specifically, but then it's thinking about how they accept those feelings, accept that that is a normal reaction. And then they think about, what are they going to do next? Now, that takes time, and that is resilience, and being able to do that on your own later on, independently as an adult is what we're trying to practice when they're at home with us.

00:03:45.460 --> 00:04:12.900
Yeah, I love that, and I think that is really a challenge that you just have to learn, don't you? And I think so many teenagers, because their lives are quite confined when they're young, they tie their self worth to just these grades or the offers and the comparisons with their peers. So the bit, I suppose, the big question is, how can we parents help them to separate their value as a person and who they are from what they've achieved and what they can point to?

00:04:13.919 --> 00:06:10.139
Yes, it's a really interesting shift. I think, over the last 2030, years, certainly, I've spent a lot of time working with young people, seeing them when they're at their most down or things are very difficult when I was their GP at university, and there did seem to be this belief that their achievements mattered more than who they were as a person, I sometimes felt that, and we want to very much be clear with Our young people that they are much more than their achievements. They matter much more. They have other traits, of course, which are kindness and thoughtfulness and being a great friend and being loyal and those sorts of things. And we want to make sure they know how valued they are as part of a family or part of their community and and so on. But. I think it's come from a very interesting shift in our society where we have put an awful lot of emphasis on winning all the time. We always see this at the moment, this need to be the best, be the winner, and I think we need to move away from that. So at the moment, they're immersed in this culture where they have to win, not just academically, they have to be the best at their sports or, you know, singing, dancing, the performing arts, but I've also noticed this need to win, because we're surrounded by it at things like pottery and painting and making cakes. And I just think it's such a strange message to be constantly pushing at a whole generation. So if we acknowledge that shift that we're always emphasizing the need to win and be the best, we can take a step back as parents, we can say, Okay, you do not need to be the best at everything. You can do your best and you can do your best most of the time, but you won't necessarily have great days every day. That's going to vary.

00:06:10.439 --> 00:06:29.420
And I think it's a it's about changing that phrasing, that framing from needing to be the best which they feel they have to be. There's this huge pressure and this real fear of failure that is out there, and move it towards just doing your best, the best that you can do on a day to day basis.

00:06:30.199 --> 00:07:06.178
Oh, gosh, it's such an important point. And I think, I mean, I've read Jennifer brenney Wallace's book, never enough about this. And there's a lot of there are a lot of statistics that prove that kids that come from these kind of really high stakes backgrounds where they need to be the best, they've got to win awards and accolades, and, you know, art, you only do it because you want to be the best at it ends up with the same level of mental health problems and drug abuse and alcohol abuse as kids who come from really, really disadvantaged backgrounds, so we really want to get away from that, don't we?

00:07:03.478 --> 00:07:33.858
And you know what? I remember my daughter saying, oh, there's no point in me dancing, because I'm not particularly good at it. And it's so frustrating, isn't it, because the messages are coming from everywhere, because she loves dancing. Why not? Why not just dance? You've seen 1000s of university students as a GP, so I'm fascinated by what sorts of things you were led to reflect on in your role. You know, what, what kinds of things are they?

00:07:31.519 --> 00:07:34.338
Would they be coming to you with?

00:07:35.240 --> 00:08:14.939
Oh, very much. Around this need to be perfect, first of all, this perfectionism that that was being driven and in fact, the scientists, the psychologists, have done the studies and shown that perfectionism is hugely increased now compared with 30 years ago, and it comes out in so many different ways, as we were saying about academic need to be perfect, be the perfect flatmate, be the perfect friend, girlfriend, boyfriend, and so on. I mean this huge pressure not to fail, not to let people down. They would come and see me, and I would regularly have consultations where the young person just would say, I don't know what to do. I'm at rock bottom. This is my last resort.

00:08:11.339 --> 00:08:17.279
I've come to you and Okay, so we'd have that conversation.

00:08:14.939 --> 00:09:26.600
We'd start talking, and I would say, of course, you know, have you spoken to your family about this, your parents, your carers, anyone that you would trust at home. Oh, no, I'm not telling them about this. You know, this what they saw as a failure. It might be an exam or relationship. There are lots of things that could be and so obviously, you know, take that carefully and say, Well, you're not speaking to them because maybe they're not very supportive. Or is it? Because maybe they don't kind of get mental health and those sorts of challenges, you know, because we all come from different backgrounds, and more often than not, those young people would say, Oh no, they're lovely. They would really support me. They'd be so supportive. But I do not want to let them down. I don't want to worry them. So they have this huge worry about letting people down, not wanting to stress them out. And I think as parents, carers and so on, we've got this real opportunity to get ahead of that. If we know that that's what they're worrying about, we can talk to them about it and say, you know you're going to feel pressure. You're going to university, for example, you are going to feel academic pressure. It's normal, and therefore think about, you know, how will you manage that?

00:09:24.320 --> 00:09:34.700
Where will you go if you need help? And just try to get ahead of it so that they don't feel that they can't tell you about it if things are tricky?

00:09:35.418 --> 00:10:36.438
Wow, I love that. And I think my daughter went up to university this year, and I really saw that, because the first home was absolutely grueling. The level of work expected from her, in addition to all the other things of trying to make friends and, you know, meeting new people and achieving things in sports and stuff, was was brutal. And one of the things I had said to her before was, I expect you. To do badly, because if you turn up and you're really good, why are you there? You know you need you. And I think that it's interesting, isn't it, because David Jaeger did some research recently, and he said that one of the things that they found really protective with younger kids was if they all taught them about the growth mindset, and said that all these kids have the ability to grow. They're not this set person. And I think some of this comes from this idea that the that you are this person, you are the failure if you don't achieve it, rather than you're just going through a process. So I love what you're saying about that gone.

00:10:36.438 --> 00:10:44.739
No, no. I was gonna say they can see it as part of their identity, that they are the person who doesn't succeed. But of course, identity changes. Identity is flexible.

00:10:44.739 --> 00:10:51.519
And the whole point of the teenage and adolescent years is that you develop your identity.

00:10:47.859 --> 00:11:32.298
And I very much discuss it with parents, for example, as a jigsaw, and they're trying out the pieces of the jigsaw, but it's they don't know what the final image is going to look like yet. So whilst they might try a piece that's, you know, blue hair and another piece that's tattoos or a certain type of music taste, some of those will move around, and some of them will stick, and the final image is to be decided. So the what we don't want them to do is internalize that feeling of failure, that they are a failure, that is part of their identity. They're trying stuff out, and I really, really try to get them to celebrate trying new things and not worrying if it goes wrong, and that actually it going wrong is part of the learning process. Yes.

00:11:32.600 --> 00:11:50.860
But then what about the kids? I know that I've battled the perfectionism with one of my daughters, and what about those kids who really, they they seek academic validation. They feel that they need it, and if they don't get it, they feel like they're it's just crushing. Are there things that we can be saying to them?

00:11:54.220 --> 00:12:00.039
Yes. I mean, of course, it's an important ongoing conversation.

00:11:55.960 --> 00:14:24.139
It's, it's, as you know, not sort of one and done, we have to keep having these conversations, because if they tend towards that perfectionistic trait, then they're always going to seek to be better and set themselves as standard, and then they'll try and beat that standard. You know, it's exhausting for them, so we have to have ongoing conversations. But I think, you know, there's been some fantastic campaigns, for example, at universities where they sort of had the slogan, you are not your thesis, you know, you are not your degree, you are not your A levels, you are not your GCSEs. And I think this is where we come back to that conversation about they are so much more than that. They are someone's grandchild. They are someone's best friend. They are a fantastic, you know, flat made. They're thoughtful, they're kind, they help the neighbors out, they volunteer, they do DME, you know, whatever it is they're doing. I think it's about celebrating that whole image that's all of who they are. And it isn't just the academic part that is just a small part of life, as we generally tend to know as we get older, yeah, if we can, if we can share things like when it's gone wrong for us in a really kind of, sort of, not over the top way, but just try to say sometimes, well, you know, I know it's not the same, but I do understand, because, you know, there was this time when I didn't get a job, I went For I failed an interview. Or, you know that when they failed their driving test, well, you know, you can say it took me this many goes. Or, you know, just letting them know, not making it all about you, but just letting them know that this is a normal thing, that it isn't always going to go according to plan, and in a way, planning ahead for that. So if they're off to uni, then having a conversation, you know not to say when it goes wrong, but if it doesn't quite go to plan, how are you going to manage that? Who are you going to speak to? Because, because I did have this slightly funny moment the other day when I saw that a friend of mine had purchased a university level textbook to brush up on that. I don't know if it was geology or something. I mean, this is not an area that they were an expert in. So when I say brush up, I use the term loosely. They were trying to learn because their child, adolescent, their undergraduate child, was at university and struggling with the course. And so their approach was to say, well, I need to know more about this.

00:14:20.600 --> 00:14:29.600
And I thought that's not the approach, apart from the fact you're never going to know as much or what you need to know.

00:14:26.960 --> 00:15:15.779
And I understand that it comes from a great place. It comes from a place of support and wanting to be there for them and have this conversation. I thought actually, it would be a lot easier for everyone not having telegeology At the age of whatever we are now, but to signpost them to the academic tutor who is the person they're supposed to go and talk to. And whilst that may sound obvious, and I totally get where someone's coming from when they're trying to do that, I just think we're making our own lives so difficult if we're also trying to kind of do everything they're doing. Working alongside them. So I've sort of gone over a few different areas there, but I think we need to prepare them for if it doesn't go well, you know. So if academic stress is a thing, who would you speak to?

00:15:12.360 --> 00:15:25.279
If flatmate issues are a thing, who you're going to speak to if housing is a challenge, because universities have a department for everything, so there will be someone there to deal with any of those issues.

00:15:25.879 --> 00:15:56.320
Oh, I love that. I think that's really important. And what you've nodded to is this increase in the amount of parents who feel that they want to remain quite careful with their kids as they go up through to University and beyond. And I know there's a guy called Levi Pei, who's called, talked about this and said, you know, this is really frustrating, because if you're at a university, you want the kids to kind of move in and move into their community, and create a community, not be stuck talking to their parents about things that are going wrong. Why do you think that's happening?

00:15:56.320 --> 00:16:50.259
Oh, well, that's an interesting one. I mean parenting shifts in every generation, and I've certainly seen that change. For example, when I started as a GP in a university which is probably 25 plus years ago. Now, that makes me feel old, but basically, when I started, I would not hear from a parent of a student from one year to the next by the time I left to sort of set up my business, write my books and so on, which about eight years ago, not a week would go by, sometimes not a day would go by without an email or a phone call or a message from reception saying, Can you call so and so's parent? And it was sometimes totally understandable, always, as I say, where it's coming from. It comes from a place of caring and love. But it was sometimes things like, and this was a genuine call. So Dr Thompson, you've got to help him. You've got to stop him.

00:16:45.940 --> 00:17:39.920
He's gaming all night. And I thought, well, first of all, I'm a GP. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to but also I said he's 23 I'm not really sure that I can do much. Those are his decisions. And so I get that the parent is worried and they don't want them gaming all night and so on. But we have to prepare them for that independence. I really believe we have to prepare them for that independence, because we are definitely seeing a more involved parent generation, and some of that may be helpful and supportive. You're alongside, you're coaching them to do all the right things when they need to. But we have to avoid doing it for them. We can help them to do it, whatever that thing is, you know, get the plumber in for the toilet that doesn't work in your flat. It might be that you have to speak to somebody about, you know, financial challenges.

00:17:37.400 --> 00:17:46.359
You might have to go and speak to your academic tutor about the work. We can support them to do that absolutely, but we shouldn't be doing it for them.

00:17:46.359 --> 00:17:54.579
We shouldn't be the one calling the plumber or phoning the academic department, as tends to happen now. And so it's about preparing them for that

00:17:54.579 --> 00:18:30.019
independence, yes, and not panicking when it goes wrong. Because my my daughter, when she first started, she was finding it so overwhelming. She wasn't getting enough sleep. She was trying to manage lots of things she wasn't used to doing. And she's twice in the first term, she put her washing load on and didn't put the laundry soap in because she just forgot. And it's just things like that where you've just, as a parent, you just got to go, it's fine. It's fine. You know, it's going to take time for her to adjust, and you know, if I step in now, it's all going to be just much harder. But how would you know that there's something genuinely we should be worrying about? As a parent,

00:18:31.400 --> 00:19:46.359
you're going to know if they are changing how they behave, for example, so you're worried that they're withdrawing, they're not contacting you or anyone as much as they did. If you're worried, they're not sort of caring for themselves. They're not eating, sleeping. And if those things are going on in a what I use the phrase persistent and pervasive way that they're stopping them doing the things that they need to be doing for probably, I would say, several weeks. So three, four weeks at a time, that's when we need to be more concerned and encourage them to seek help. And again, universities have lots and lots of, you know, counseling psychologists, well being advisors, department well being advisors, so there's lots of help out there. But we, we, we've got to expect that they are going to struggle sometimes, to make themselves something healthy to eat, and again, just let, let them do it. If you're going up to visit great help them with the big shop. Do one for them. That's fine, but let's not go over the top with and I have heard genuinely parents organizing long distance food deliveries and all sorts. Just they're not going to learn if we're doing everything for them.

00:19:47.019 --> 00:20:00.839
I've heard about a parent going up every week to clean the room. And I you know, most universities you have, as you know, in the first year, you actually have a scout who'll go in and do some cleaning, but this parent was still going up and changing the bed load. Then they do everything.

00:20:02.940 --> 00:20:54.640
It's too much. Rachel. I mean, we've got enough cleaning and other things to do at home, but I think it's in that same group, maybe as the parents who and again, I always caveat this. I do understand where it comes from. It's always from a good place, but the parents who are tracking their young person to the extent that they're, you know, always watching where they are, because they've got a tag or something like that, once they're 18, even if the young person says, Oh, I don't mind. Actually set them free. Let them be independent. I get that. You know, people talk about safety and so on. They've got to be able, at some point to do this, to go out there and not have you know where they are at all times. And actually, after, even though they say, maybe at the beginning, oh, I don't mind, they will mind. They will start to mind, and then it becomes an awkward conversation. So you be the one. Cut them free,

00:20:55.240 --> 00:21:03.000
yes, yes. And don't be calling them up and saying, I see you didn't get home to what at whatever time you have a lecture the next morning, who cares? This is their problem. It's not

00:21:03.000 --> 00:21:07.200
your problem. They're gonna have to deal with the fallout. Yeah, yeah, it's very hard.

00:21:07.200 --> 00:21:08.819
It's very hard.

00:21:07.200 --> 00:22:11.279
And I think, I think what's interesting is you, and I, I mean, I'm think I'm probably older than you, but we come from a generation of doing things very differently. And I think parents have come through and gone, oh, well, I didn't particularly like that, and they've tried to sort of correct the completely lack of interest in what the kids were doing, and perhaps overcorrect and when everybody around you was doing things, and it's very hard to get some balance. So I think some of it, to be fair to parents and myself included, is that, you know, if you if you look at everybody else going and changing their kids bed linen or whatever they're doing you you can start thinking, Oh, maybe I'm not a very loving kind parent. And I had a conversation with a friend the other day and just said, you know, sometimes being kind is all about creating boundaries and saying, Well, you know, I can see that you can do this for yourself. That's a different form of kindness, isn't it? What about the kids who've gone to university, and we've tried to say, look, go and speak to There are mentors. You need to find you. We tried to tell them. And they're saying, you know, I just, I just going to drop out. I just don't see this as a worthwhile thing. Are there any thoughts you have about that?

00:22:11.880 --> 00:22:23.720
Oh, yes, I've certainly talked to my fair share of young people who were thinking of leaving, prematurely, dropping out, whatever the sort of phrase might be, and obviously it very much depends on their situation.

00:22:23.720 --> 00:23:11.819
So you it's hard to generalize too much. But for example, we know that a mental health challenge is the commonest reason for a young person to drop out of university. So in that case, I would be talking to them about all the things they can do in terms of their health and physical mental health, to get them better, and to simply press pause. Universities are very happy to press pause on your studies. You essentially take a planned break, and it might be a term, it might be the rest of that academic year, and you come back, the universities have absolutely no issue with that. If it's a planned it's supported by, you know, the doctor, the counselor, whoever else, the academic team, not a problem. I think a lot of students don't realize that's an option. It's sort of all or nothing. They've got to be there and 100% all the time or not.

00:23:11.880 --> 00:23:14.099
And actually not at all.

00:23:11.880 --> 00:24:36.440
Everybody knows that you're not always your yourself. So, so the first thing is, if it is a mental health issue, it's about stop, pause, get help, get sorted out, come back when you're ready. I love that, if it's for other reasons. And I do hear you know about imposter phenomenon, or feeling like you haven't quite found your friends yet, and you feel quite isolated. We see a lot of students feeling lonely, feeling isolated. 44% of students felt they they were sometimes always lonely at university in a study a couple of years ago, that is often because they haven't yet met their people. So I try, when I do my talks for sixth forms and schools and so on, I try to remind them it takes time to find your people. I mean, I am still in touch with a few people from uni, but not on a day to day basis. They are not going to be the people that you're friends with forever. And the same goes for school. So I think we have that, obviously, you know, ability to look back and know that, so we can encourage them and say, look, it's going to take time to meet your friends and find your people, but you've got to try, and it's useful for when you move into the workplace to try making friends and meeting people now, absolutely. So we know that there are specific reasons why young people, people drop out of university, but if we look at the reason, there is usually a way to sort that out for most people.

00:24:37.039 --> 00:24:47.200
Yeah, I love that. And I think my daughter found the first home really stressful, because she found some people she likes, but it wasn't an easy fit, necessarily.

00:24:47.200 --> 00:24:59.920
My advice to her was you need to join clubs. You've got to be out searching for people with your taxi light on, because without making the effort yourself, you can't expect this to happen. And I think one of the difficult transitions is when they come.

00:25:00.000 --> 00:25:16.740
From a school, and the friends are delivered up in the school environment, whoever's in the school, that's who you become friends with for a lot of kids, and then they go to university, and it's a whole different ball game. And like you said, it's a wonderful skill set to have to actually learn how to go and build new

00:25:16.799 --> 00:25:39.319
contacts and and there was a survey of 6000 plus students just literally two or three weeks ago that found that found that 59% of students last year said they would like the university to help them to make friends. I guess we have to think about, you know, the impacts of covid and why they're finding it hard to make friends. But it's almost, in a sense, reassuring for the other young people to know you're not alone in this.

00:25:36.380 --> 00:25:52.420
You're not alone in trying to make friends. Everybody wants to make friends. In fact, when you ask young people, what they're most excited about going to university is actually making new friends. Yes, also ask them, What are you most worried about?

00:25:48.759 --> 00:26:42.339
It's making new friends. So it's, it's a real, you know, knotty problem. They're all struggling with this to a greater or lesser degree. So we can help them. We can help them by reassuring them. This is quite common. You're trying to find your people. It won't work straight away, and if you just don't know what to do, as you said, there are clubs, there are societies, and my favorite one that I used to recommend to students sitting in front of me, saying, I've got no friends. I don't know what to do, I'd say, look, a lovely thing to do is volunteering, because you will meet people who are like minded and kind. It will be something that you're interested in. So there are so many ways to volunteer. I mean, I don't have to list them at university, you know, everything from helping local school kids to read through to walking dogs through to eco, you know, gardening type stuff. So there's so many ways so meet your kind of people by volunteering. You'll feel good.

00:26:39.500 --> 00:26:42.339
You'll do something useful.

00:26:42.460 --> 00:26:44.019
Everybody's doing better.

00:26:44.799 --> 00:27:16.859
Oh, I love that. As funny as Jennifer brenney Wallace wrote in her book, mattering, her whole quote is not doing better than others, doing better for others, and this sense of being plugged into a community and knowing that you're giving, even if it's just volunteer, when I was at university, I became part of the Student Union and volunteered to go and help out at events, which meant I could get into them free, anything, anything. I had no money. I literally had no money. So I just did everything I could to make sure that I got plugged into things without having to spend anything. So yeah, there were always ways.

00:27:14.400 --> 00:27:20.160
And my daughter, I just said to her, just host. Why don't you?

00:27:16.859 --> 00:27:44.619
Or anytime you meet someone who you vaguely like, get their details, call them over, have a cup of coffee with them, and just say, just get a few together. And you know you'll find amongst them that they're people who click so so we've talked about people who've gone away, but what about the teens who feel left behind, who are watching everyone else move forward, particularly if it's something that they wanted and then they didn't manage it, and you've got this era of social media that makes things so hard.

00:27:44.980 --> 00:27:47.259
How would you help them?

00:27:47.319 --> 00:28:01.740
Yeah, I understand that they might initially see it as feeling left behind. For me, I would look at reframing that and say, Look, you're choosing a different path, and your path is as valid.

00:27:57.519 --> 00:29:12.119
It is a different one. It's exciting. You don't know where it's going to lead and but in life sometimes, and I know it's really hard when you're actually at that junction, but when something goes wrong and you end up going a different way, it can end up being the most amazing experience. So I can give a couple of examples that very simple, that were mine. I got turned down from Cambridge, went to Bristol, never looked back. I mean, absolutely loved it. Still live in Bristol. So that was one very sort of simple, straightforward, regular one that lots of people get. I also tell the story when I talk to sixth formers, especially because I was really annoying, because I was that kind of girl who passed the exams, passed the driving test, you know, went off to uni, didn't get into Cambridge. Into Cambridge, that was fine. And then ended up passing my, you know, getting my degree, being a doctor, and went for my first jobs that I wanted, got the ones I wanted. So irritating, wasn't I, and then I got to this point, you know, and interview nobody. I went to this interview, and there were six of us for five jobs, and I was like, this is fine. I wasn't cocky or anything. I just thought, this will be fine. And I was the only one walking back to my car that evening without the job. First, massive failure.

00:29:12.359 --> 00:29:43.480
So I go back to my shift that evening, which happens to be an a&e. And, you know, I just was in a bit of a daze, kind of thinking I've now got this six month gap in my career, like, what am I going to do? I don't know where I'm going to go. And I wandered past a poster that said rally International, and I thought, well, I've got nothing else to do, so I literally just signed up to do rally. Didn't give it too much thought. I had the most amazing time, and it was probably one of my best ever, ever, life experiences.

00:29:39.799 --> 00:30:06.059
Obviously my 16 year old can't hear me, but obviously he's up there. So you see what I'm saying. One door closes, another door opens. It's a cliche, but it's because it's true. And so if they're feeling left behind inverted commas, I would absolutely reframe that new path. This different chosen pathway, and do it purposefully, choose what you're going to do and go off down that route.

00:30:06.779 --> 00:30:09.420
Yeah, I think that's such important advice.

00:30:09.420 --> 00:30:42.819
And I think for when you've you've been on a conveyor belt, and you have only been looking in one direction, and then there's nothing there, and it can feel very much like just dropping off a cliff. And for I think us parents need to a think ahead, that sometimes it can feel like dropping off a cliff if they don't quite get what they want, and also that there are different ways of presenting them with ideas for things that they can do, and being able to look out was is really important. I think a lot of kids haven't, haven't developed that

00:30:42.819 --> 00:30:45.640
skill, no.

00:30:42.819 --> 00:31:14.160
And when, when they're at that moment, that is not the moment to go, oh, one door closes, another door opens. You know, that's gonna just be really right, very irritating. The point is, at some point that will become a way that you can frame it. But if they're in that acute phase of disappointment, then it's all about listening, validating their feelings, agreeing that this is really difficult. I would be quite careful not to allow them to catastrophize and spiral off too much. Of course, you want them to have space to think about the fact that this is disappointing.

00:31:14.160 --> 00:31:40.900
And you'll say, yeah, it is, and that's okay to feel that, so you validate that, but then you might need to take a bit of time to distract yourself, to kind of ride those waves of emotion, which means just give it a bit of time come out the other side, slowly distract yourself with other activities, other things, and at some point in the not too distant future, you can start to think about, okay, all right, this is a new path, a new choice. What am I going to do?

00:31:38.359 --> 00:31:40.900
Yeah, yeah.

00:31:40.898 --> 00:31:54.999
And I think for the parents, often the most important thing for them to do is actually let the child know that they don't feel like they've been let down. Because you said that earlier, and that's actually so important, isn't it? Yes, no,

00:31:55.059 --> 00:32:51.039
I can't agree more. I think, you know, parents really feel their children's emotions, I absolutely understand that, but their emotions are not our emotions. We have to make sure that they are not shouldering our response as well as their own response. Okay, we can have our response. We are entitled to feel disappointed, stress, whatever, but we take that somewhere else. We share with our friends. We go with, obviously, our partner. We can talk to other people about it, but it's not for them to worry about that. They're already acutely aware that they may be, you know, disappointing you and we need to reassure them they are not. This is just one thing that has happened at this stage in life, and we are there for them. So, you know, I think it's so important not to conflate the emotions. There's ours and so on. Ours are not to go on their much younger shoulders at that point, of course. And I think a lot of

00:32:51.039 --> 00:32:56.619
parents are aware of that. Yes, Dr Holmes, is there anything else that you'd like to talk about before we finish up?

00:32:57.159 --> 00:33:11.759
Well, I think something that may happen is that a parent may themselves feel that they're failing their young person if they're not able to fix things and make everything better. But I don't.

00:33:09.298 --> 00:34:07.259
I think I just want to say that no parent who cares about their child is failing them. They are just doing their best, and therefore, as long as we're alongside them, not doing it for them. Remember, we are not doing it for them. We are alongside them. We are coaching, we are supportive. And the other thing that I think we have to be is the safe harbor, the place they can come back to when and if it does go wrong. We need to know that they know they can come back anytime. We are there, we're not judging. We're just there to support. And I think that safe harbor concept is so important to me, so that no matter what happens, as I said, I've got a 16 year old. He's got GCSEs this year, ideas about a levels, all the rest of it, but he knows no matter what happens, and I do mean weird and wonderful things that can also happen to anyone in life? He's got a safe harbor here, and I would want all those young people out there. They should.

00:34:07.318 --> 00:34:10.739
I'm sure they do feel that they can go home to their safe harbor.

00:34:11.219 --> 00:34:34.278
Yes, beautifully put that's wonderful. I think Ned Johnson talked about it as you know, when the kid comes in the door, arrows in their back and you just go, hey, it looks like it had a tough day. And they know that when they get home, the door closes and it's all good, it's not going to continue when they get inside. So I love your point about Safe Harbor. That's a lovely idea. If people would like to get in contact with you.

00:34:31.518 --> 00:34:34.818
What's the best way for them to do that

00:34:35.119 --> 00:34:51.880
through even my website, which is buzzconsulting.co.uk, or I also have one with lots of free blogs all these sorts of topics are covered, which is growing a grown up.com. So just have a look there. But my my website, my email, dominique.thompson@me.com Happy for people to contact me.

00:34:52.840 --> 00:34:58.239
Brilliant, brilliant. And if you'd like to contact me, it's teenagers.

00:34:54.699 --> 00:35:05.639
Untangled@gmail.com I've got a sub stack. I've got my own website. That is all teenagers untangled, and my mantra is, you are doing better than you think.

00:35:05.699 --> 00:35:11.039
Because I think very often we we just don't realize how well we're doing. It's tough. It's a tough job, isn't

00:35:11.159 --> 00:35:12.659
it? We're just doing the best we can,

00:35:13.079 --> 00:35:18.000
doing the best we can. That's it for me. Thank you so much. Thank you, Dr Thompson, and have a great week.

00:35:18.119 --> 00:35:41.780
Bye bye bye bye. You.