Aug. 5, 2025
Feeling judged? Can we offer support without judging others parenting? 154
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What do you think of this episode? Do you have any topics you'd like me to cover? Judgment can be both useful and harmful. When it works well it's a safety mechanism for keeping kids from being harmed. When it works badly it can create feelings of shame and fear which stop parents reaching out for help, cause us to doubt our instincts and miss the vital importance of connection with our children. Sometimes, our fear of judgment can even paralyse us parents and stop us making the decisio...
What do you think of this episode? Do you have any topics you'd like me to cover?
Judgment can be both useful and harmful. When it works well it's a safety mechanism for keeping kids from being harmed. When it works badly it can create feelings of shame and fear which stop parents reaching out for help, cause us to doubt our instincts and miss the vital importance of connection with our children.
Sometimes, our fear of judgment can even paralyse us parents and stop us making the decision we know would be better for our family.
We can't control what others think about us but we can control how we think about ourselves and how we respond to judgment.
That's why I've set up this podcast to give you a chance to hear other parents talk about what experts say, and realise that there is absolutely no perfect parent or perfect way to do things.
Personally, I've found parenting more of a haggle than an art. People who think they have the right answer rarely understand the complexities of our own haggle.
TOP TIPS SHARED IN THE EPISODE:
1. Lead with Empathy, Not Authority
Start by acknowledging how hard parenting can be."I know how tough it is—I've been there too." This creates a shared experience, not a hierarchy.
2. Ask, Don’t Assume
Instead of diving in with advice, invite the conversation:
"Would it help if I shared something that worked for me?"
"Are you looking for suggestions or just someone to listen?"
This gives them control, which preserves their dignity.
3. Share, Don’t Instruct
Frame advice as personal experience or something you've come across—not a prescription:
"What really helped us was..."
"I read something interesting the other day about how teens..."
Avoid “should,” “always,” or “never” statements.
4. Validate Before You Advise
Before offering tips, show you understand their situation:
"That sounds so frustrating—I can see why you're worried."
Validation lowers defensiveness and opens them up to ideas.
5. Focus on Curiosity, Not Criticism
You might say:
"Have you noticed if she gets more upset when..."
"Do you think he might be reacting to...?"
This invites reflection rather than implying fault.
6. Know When to Just Be There
Sometimes advice isn’t what they need—just a calm presence or someone to say:
"You're doing better than you think."
Mo Gawdat quote:
Mo Gawdat defines happiness as a state where your perception of life's events is equal to or greater than your expectations.
Break Ups episode mentioned in the reviews: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/144-first-love-breakups-lgbtq-how-to-support-our-kids-through-the-turmoil/
Thank you so much for your support.
Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.
I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
My email is teenagersuntangled@gmail.com
And my website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me:
www.teenagersuntangled.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/
Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/
You can reach Susie at www.amindful-life.co.uk
00:00 - Judgment in Parenting: Introduction and Personal Experiences
01:34 - Sharing Personal Nuggets: Simple Strategies for Connection
04:00 - impact of judgment on parents judging and talking about others in front of their children.
06:09 - Feedback and Reviews from Listeners
09:39 - Exploring the Concept of Judgment: Personal and Societal Perspectives
14:30 - Balancing External and Internal Judgment
29:11 - Strategies for Managing Judgment and Supporting others
34:01 - The Role of Mindfulness in Managing Judgment
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Susie, hello and welcome to teenagers untangled the audio hug for parents going through the tween and teen years, where we combine expert research and our own experience to make this whole thing much less stressful and enjoyable. I'm Rachel Richards, journalist, mother of two teenagers and two bonus daughters. Hi
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there. I'm Susie Asli, I'm a mindfulness coach, mindful therapist and musician and mother of two teenagers and a 20 year
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old. Now, do you ever feel judged for the way you parent? Is that a question to me? Yeah, I think it's question to everybody. Yeah,
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yeah, definitely. I mean, maybe less than I used to, but that's because I've worked
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on I think a lot, yeah. And that's actually the feedback I'm getting from people, I think that. I think we feel judged generally, but I think as parents, it's a particularly big problem. I thought about this topic when I was chatting with Giselle Goodwin, the woman who wrote, can women really have it all?
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And she told me that she'd been in a swimming pool changing room pulling on her trousers when a mum picked up a towel and put it around her shivering daughter, and she said she just felt awful and judged. And it was so funny, because when I heard her talking about it, I was picturing another mum stepping in to support her. So it did make me think, obviously, I couldn't see the tone of I couldn't hear the tone of the woman's voice. I couldn't see the way she did it.
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But I do wonder how much we're genuinely being judged, how much support parents are trying to offer, but it's feels like judgment, and how we can do this. How can we help other parents without making them feel bad? I
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think it's a brilliant topic, and all of the above. Like, there's so much to talk about with
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so much to talk about. So let's start with the nugget. Yeah, go
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ahead. Susie, so I have a nugget. I had a quite a while ago. There was a phase where I was, I don't know me and my daughter were maybe rubbing each other up slightly the wrong way, which is unusual for us.
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Like we, we, we have a very honest relationship, and we fall out and stuff, but not then it's done. So I said, Oh, this feels a bit weird. So what I did was I just said, can I come into your room and I, can I just sit here?
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And she was doing stuff, and it was a she just kind of went, Yeah, okay, can I bring my book in? So I just sat with my book on her bed and read in the same room as her. And then eventually, sort of, we started chatting and mucking about. And because it wasn't like a terrible situation, it was fine.
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It was so lovely. And it was like a very simple connecting moment. And I've done it again since she's on holiday at the moment with a friend. And the night before, I was like, Oh, can I just come and sit in your room and watch you pack I love and I'm not doing anything. And she laughs and goes, That's a bit weird, isn't it? Like what you do, but loves it so you don't have to go, No, it's fine.
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I just found it really helpful, and thought maybe that would find that helpful too. I
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think that's brilliant, Susie, and I think that occupying space with them without making any judgments or even expectations, can be incredibly powerful. And you know, it's not my nugget. But actually, I had a similar thing with my daughter recently, where she was walking around with her headphones on, and I, I just thought, Oh, why she got her head but like, she just, she's in the kitchen with me, but she's and I just said to her, Sweetie, what are you listening to? And she said, Oh, just, just my music. And I said, Would you mind taking your headphones off?
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She went, Well, I don't want, I want to listen to my music. And I said, Well, why don't you just play it on the speakers? And she said, Well, you won't like my music. And I said, Try me. And she started playing it. And I just went, Oh, this is, what are the lyrics with this? And why are you like this? So nice, completely transformed our relationship over the next few days because she kept then talking about it. You know, it's actually not that hard. It's just we need to remember take those moments.
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Yeah, and I literally sat on her bed and read my book in silence. Love it. Until then we started kind of saying the odd word, and then it was fine,
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amazing, really great tip. I love that one.
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Susie. I I want to just reflect, and it's it ties into this judgment episode on the way that we talk in our homes about other people in front of your kids, and even when they're out of earshot, because they may well be in earshot. And I think that I came from a very, very, very judgmental background, and I think I was quite a judgmental person when I was younger, and I'm very sorry to anybody I judged, but I think it was just a reflection of what had been fed into me as a younger person.
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And I find it so interesting when I've talked to my kids, because what I've learned is that if you say anything about other people behind their backs, in on reflection, unless it's a positive thing about how you wonder why they did it this way rather than this way, when you're being very judgmental, your kids are absorbing absolutely everything you say, mm. And they are clocking that you don't like that particular thing, or you would say that about somebody. So they're thinking, well, what would they say about me? Yes, it's actually vitally important that we're aware of that, and that if you want your kids to have an open conversation with you about things and they want you want them to have a trusting relationship, be really mindful about how you talk about other people and how you reflect on their own failings and your own and be being kind about them.
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I totally agree with that. It can also kind of turn into gossipy bonding in a weird way. Can't it?
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Well, that's yes, and that can be a fun thing, yeah, but it's you have to be really mindful, like and it's always worth if you've done something like that, just saying to your kids, how did that make you feel? This was that land badly?
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That's really good.
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Yeah, I actually have one. One of my kids pushes back on that.
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They really hate it. Really hate mine, too. Mine too. The other two are like, depending on what it is. But this one of my kids is like, don't I don't like that. Why? Why are you saying that? Yeah, absolutely. And I go, Oh, you're absolutely right.
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Sorry,
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yes, yes. And it's easily done. And you can, you can say, oh, what's the gossip? And the gossip can be really fun gossip, but then there's a, there's a gossip, as in a cruel, mean
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judging. Yeah, it's a big difference laden as well, isn't it, which is not always
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helpful. Yeah, yeah. So let's say we've got a couple of reviews to each one there. I have one here.
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It's called super helpful shame. I didn't know about you sooner. I've listened to practically every episode.
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Wow, wow, a lot of them. That's impressive. I specifically appreciate that you have done the time consuming works of reading the books and doing the research, and just give us the main takeaways, very thought provoking. Can you please do an episode on entitled teens, how to prevent in the first place, on what to do if you have one.
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My 19 year old in her first job feels that she should be earning way more than minimum wage. Also a bit of feedback on learning to drive. I have had some lovely time together with my daughter when we take a rest in between practice drives in new places.
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It's a great opportunity to spend chill time together.
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Brilliant.
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Thank you very much for that.
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Yes, I love that. And actually, like we've always said, sitting in a car talking can be very, very useful. Can't be super useful.
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But having had all mine passed in this space of six months, I am done
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with exhausting you've let them taxi you around.
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No, and I will do that. We have done one on entitlement in the past. But actually, I think what she's talking about there is expectations, yes, versus reality, which is a whole different thing. And Giselle Goodwin talks about it, and there's a mogodart quote, which is, happiness is your perception about where you're at at the moment compared with or minus what you expected?
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Yeah, oh God, expectations of that. We will do that to suffering. We will do
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that right? My one is thank you to your daughter for her recent podcast on relationship breakups, she spoke so openly and bravely. I really loved her insights. My daughter is coming to the end of year 11, but so much of your daughter's experience resonated on so many levels. I look forward to listening to it with her, and I think these insights will be helpful coming from someone a couple of years older.
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I listened for a long time, but I listened extra hard today, and thank you both for that. That's really, really lovely. And that was about breakups, first love and being gay, bisexual, LGB, whatever. So that was a very good I'm happy. It's helped at least one person. Yeah, right.
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So let's get on to the judgment episode. So I asked on Instagram, if anybody what, when do you feel misjudged? And the first response was being a divorced, single parent and 50 judged by my own parents as a major fail. Oh, I can put my hand up for that. You can put your hand up for that. And like, why is that a major fail? What about if he was the awful person? What about if you Yeah, anyway, so what about you?
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You've got some there,
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haven't you? Yes, I've got one here. I believe you're most judged when your children are going through adolescence. It's a time for risk taking, but also learning how to express themselves when they but when they get it wrong.
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It can be felt as a reflection of bad parenting, which it isn't, not always. Anyway, I do think this is why so many parents don't do the school gate at secondary school? Yes? Others
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Yes, and that's why I was asked to even set up the podcast, because I think there lots of parents are saying, I don't know what I'm doing, and I feel really scared.
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And one of the other responses was my son's behavior during the early high school years. I thought everyone was judging me for the difficulties he was having the trouble he got into, maybe a lot worse. But I've learned over time that I can't control what they think of me or him, and we've been through it with a lot of talking to each other, forgiveness, compassion towards ourselves, and now I care much less about others. We don't have to feel superior or inferior to anyone else. She's been listening a long time we talk. You know, she had some problems, and she's done an incredible job,
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amazing. I mean, judgment is, is such an interesting topic. It's have i Were you about to say something?
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Well, I was just going to start by saying it is more of a mother issue and Pew Research study in 2023 she.
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Showed that far larger amounts of mothers than Fathers say they're extremely or very worried about their children.
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Mums are also more likely than dads to say a parent being a parent is stressful and tiring, and they're generally more likely than fathers to say they feel judged for how they parent their children.
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Yeah, I would totally agree with that. Yeah, right, isn't it? Yes. So what were you going to say? Who's going well? Because I'm very opinionated about this topic, very judgmental, but, but judgment is a big part of mindfulness, so non judgment is one of the core attitudes in mindfulness. And, um, I've done loads of teaching and webinars on the on the topic, and when I first started doing that, I had kind of really unpacked it and non judgment. So that sounds great, doesn't it? We don't want to judge, but that's not what it is, because we can't not judge.
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So judgment is a survival instinct, so we judge to stay alive. Yeah, we have to judge. I mean, it's obvious, really, isn't it, but, you know, judge whether something's safe or unsafe. That's how we see.
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That's how we have a lens that we see the world through, safe, unsafe. Do we have to run away?
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Do we have to what do we have to do? So judgment is a kind of core survival skill, but obviously that's not the kind of judgment we're talking about here, but it's worth bearing that in mind. So non judgment doesn't exist like we can't not judge. It's wired into us. But what we can do, through mindfulness or through other ways of being is we can become aware of our judgment so we notice when we're judging, and we then notice the patterns of our judgment, because there are always patterns. There's patterns in everything, but there's there's patterns in judgment. So what are you particularly judging? And I think really interestingly, is two things with judgment and one, the first is, when somebody is judging you, it says way more about them than you. It's Oh yes, always yes. So you know, they're judging example, like, if they're judging that your but your kid is doing something particular, that's because they have an issue with it, or they think it's brilliant or bad or whatever. It's always a projection of their value system, their state of mind, their time in their life, whatever their own kids, their own upbringing, whatever it is, it's always a projection. And then the second one, which I think is super, super interesting, is we pick up the judgments of others depending on how much we already believe them. So if a good example. So if someone was to say to me, you hate fruit, like you always hate fruit, I would go, what the heck. Like that doesn't make sense to me. Like, I don't gonna give that any time of day. I'm not gonna give that any space in my head. That's rubbish, and I would just discard it. But if somebody says to me, Oh, your parenting isn't very good. You don't do enough for your kids, which is already a trigger for me. Maybe an old narrative, I'd go, Oh, yes. And even if in my head I was going, but that's not very nice, or I don't believe you, it's triggered something in me that already exists. I love that. It's absolutely ready my narrative. So therefore I take that way more seriously. And if I'm not careful, I spiral into, Oh, that's right, that's really, see I told you, I told you, I wasn't doing that. So we have to be really aware of our triggers and and actually, as in anything, judgment is an opportunity to look at, look at our own, our own stuff. Yeah.
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Why is that resonating with me?
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Because if somebody was to tell me, you hate fruit, that doesn't resonate, I chuck it out the window the other stuff, if it resonates, why is that resonating?
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That's a brilliant tip, and I think you're completely right. And it is only the times when I have felt lacking and someone makes a comment that it makes me feel really uncomfortable. Yes, I think you're spot on. And our
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work is to find out what triggers us Yes, and also to work out what's important to me, like, what what is important, yeah, and and the more we shine, or the more alternative we are in our parenting or in anything we do, the louder we are in particular areas, the more we're going to annoy other people and and trigger them, and they're going to project onto us. Yeah. So the more certain we are in the way we show up, the more comfortable, the more grounded, the more balanced we are, the less we care.
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Yeah, and I think that's true, and I think that one of the big problems I had was that I grew up without any good template for parenting, and I think that I then felt like i. Starting from scratch, and I was reading everything and trying to figure out how you do this, and that made me extremely vulnerable. And I think that's true of an awful lot of parents, both because they had a difficult upbringing, but also, I think a lot of parents now feel at sea with the society that they're in that it doesn't really reflect the way that they necessarily were brought up. And then they're trying to adapt, but they're not sure. So they're more open to, well, maybe that's not the right way to look.
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Everything shifted. So is this how I should be doing it? I don't know. Yes. And you can feel more vulnerable, yeah. And it's really interesting, isn't it? Because I think, you know, I started out thinking, Is it different now from the past. You know, did we? Were we less judgmental more? And I think you've made a great point, because the truth is judgment, judgment is part of the way that human beings work. And I was watching Jeremy Clarkson the other night. Jeremy Clarkson's a farm program, absolutely brilliant, and my kids love it too. And he had pigs, and he had a sow who'd given birth to pigs, and the sow had rolled on two of her pigs, just sat on them, and they died, and these little piglets. And he brought some experts in and said, you know, what am I? What are we doing wrong? This is awful. They've got these little pig glues and everything's great. And one of the comments really sat with me, which was, if you put them in, all the pigs in together in a big pen, rather than these individual little igloos. If you have a mum who's doing a not a particularly good job, the other cells will tell her off. Oh, wow, and they'll kind of make her parent better. Go Pete. And I thought, nobody's so my point is that there is a there was, there's an evolutionary benefit to parents looking at other parents and how they're parenting, because you're supposed to be there to sort of support them. But it was much more local. It's much more private, local, clearer social roles in the past. So mothers were often judge judged based on very much more specific things like your home making and your obedience to societal gender roles and whether the kids turned out looking, you know, smart. Not that this was good, but it was a different it was a much more specific thing, yeah, and we had less information, you know, you didn't have access to the entire world and heart the way the world
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thought, No. And judgment itself, I mean, it's, we're presenting it as well in that way, but it's often presented as a negative thing, isn't it? Yeah, judgment is negative. It's not judgment means it's it's an opinion, isn't it? It's an opinion. Yes, you can have good judgment and you can have bad judgment, but we hear judgment and we go, oh, it's bad, it's bad, and it's laced with fear
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and that, yes, you're right, the discomfort that you feel from being judged.
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And I think coming back to the episode with Giselle Goodwin, one of the things that's happened for women is that we have now, not only just been given access to the workplace, we are now expected to be working, and the role of parenting has still been left with women largely. And I'm not saying that's true across the board. And there, I think there are a lot of men who want to step up, but they're actually being held back by societal norms and by the lack of support for mentally, work and, you know, be a parent at home. And one thing she said, which I thought was brilliant, was she said, because we have many more touch points in our lives. So, you know, a working mum who might be working part time, and then coming and then coming and picking up her child, she will be comparing herself to the other women who are full time mums, and they may be looking at her and thinking she's always late. She never contributes and you know, but she's got her own pressures. And then when she's in the workforce, she can't turn up in the same way that somebody who doesn't have any other pressures looking after a family, she can't turn up in that way, so then she also feels so I'm just trying to sort of expand on why women might feel this even more. And it's still expected that if something goes wrong, it's the woman's fault.
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Yeah, and
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I'm just sitting here thinking that, you know, it's, it's the difference between the external driven and the internal driven, isn't it?
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It's like, if it's almost like when we feel really judged as parents, and I totally put my hand up for that, particularly when I were young, actually, yeah, I think I'm less fussed now, but, I mean, I still, we all, of course, we all feel it.
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If we it's almost like we're waiting for permission to be told, Oh, you're doing a good job. You're doing a good job.
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Oh, yeah, doing a good job and and then that's an externally driven thing, isn't it? So if I whatever I'm doing, whatever my situations, I'm working, I'm not working. I'm my kids are running wild. They're all at home, being amazing, getting a stars, whatever the situation, I'm waiting for somebody almost to go, oh,
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pat me on the back. You've done it. Yes, you're so right.
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So any judgment that comes in is either fulfilling that or telling you, oh, there's still work to do. You're not quite there yet. So if we can switch it, switch the balance back to Okay, what do I think?
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What is my internal driven.
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Judgment. What I think is enough? Do I think it's really important that my kids get a stars, brilliant support them in that do? I think it's important that I go to work, whatever the situation? You know, it doesn't matter. Then I don't care what other people think, because I'm good with it. I'm not waiting for permission for someone to go. You're doing a good job.
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Susie, hit the nail on the head, such an important thing. And I had a very driven career before I became a parent, and I was at the end of every day, when I was a news correspondent, the editor would gather people around and give them feedback, and he'd say, that was amazing. You did that, yeah. Oh, and why did you do that? That didn't work as well. And there would be lots of feedback. And then I had a baby, and nobody congratulated me for keeping them alive. And I remember thinking like, where's my where's my audience, where's my Why is this not and I think that's also, if you're used to having a lot of external feedback and things, it can be extremely stressful. Not, yeah, hit the nail
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on the head. And it also just say, you know, feedback is lovely. There's nothing wrong with wanting or needing feedback. And we do it in our relationships, don't we like and then it becomes weird, like we want to be, you know, congratulated for taking out the rubbish, yes, silly things like that. But it, you know, ideally, comes from inside.
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It comes from inside, yeah. And I think that one of the things that I've noticed is that as a result of things like social media, judgment has become democratized, so anyone can judge you. It's not just the people in so it used to be that it would be the people in your immediate surroundings who had possibly a better look over the fence of what your life was actually like, maybe not in a nice way, but they had more understanding of your context of what's happening, whereas now there's an awful lot of you know, you can look anytime you can look on the internet, and you can see parents being amazing, but you can also see parents sharing their troubles, which is also very helpful, or you see parents doing terrible things, and you can judge them for that. And then you get the keyboard warriors saying, that's an appalling thing you're doing.
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And I think there are lots more ideologies now. I think we've got a lot more experts, and they don't agree. Great, brilliant, right? And it's brilliant. But then you're left thinking, okay, so if you want to latch onto one ideology or one way of doing things, then you can constantly be attacked by people who on the other side of the fence going, No, I don't think that's right, and you have to, yeah, but that's why we're doing things in the format we're doing, which is actually what we really need. I think parenting is a haggle. I think it's a haggle between you and your partner. I think it's a haggle with the genes of the kids you've got, with yourself, with your environment, and it's not, there's nothing perfect about it at all. And what you have to do is you have to be able to say, okay, like this is the thing I'm dealing with, right? What's going to sound good for me? What will work for me? Yeah, and make that your focus.
00:22:52.059 --> 00:22:54.160
I like that. I love that. A haggle. It's a haggle.
00:22:54.160 --> 00:22:58.660
It's always but the noise outside is so loud, isn't it?
00:22:58.660 --> 00:23:10.319
Maybe that's the point of there's so many different opinions. There's so much noise, and some of the noise, a lot of the noise, is kind of, I am the truth. Yes, this is
00:23:10.740 --> 00:23:12.240
as if there was ever
00:23:12.299 --> 00:23:24.740
the right way. And if, if we're vulnerable, which we all are, because none of us know what we're doing, no, we're like, oh, swinging from that to that, or try that, I'll draw that, yeah, without checking inside what feels right, what resonates, where am I in
00:23:24.740 --> 00:23:40.779
balance and how is this going to fit with my lifestyle, my partner, my own values, my own kids. Because, you know, you can see someone else's kids performing x, y, z, but they're not your kids, and they're not they don't have the same gene mapping. They don't.
00:23:37.759 --> 00:24:10.680
You know that you don't have the same constraints that they have or they have. You know, you have way more constraints. So judging ourselves against other people's lives and their expectations is only going to make us sad. And I saw this brilliant quote from this she calls herself 21st Century stay at home mom. She's on threads. She said, 21st Century parenting means tethering your children to your body every second you're awake, because, God forbid, a tragedy happens, the internet will absolutely crucify you for your neglect. But also, don't be a helicopter parent, because kids these days don't know how to handle anything on their own.
00:24:10.859 --> 00:24:14.880
And we wonder why. Gen Z says, nah, I'm think I'm set with having
00:24:14.880 --> 00:24:19.019
kids that is funny and very true. Yes.
00:24:19.079 --> 00:24:32.539
I mean, my daughter says that actually it's because the system stacked against her. If she's 30, she's saying this system is not going to work for me, for having children at the moment. So there's a different thing. Well, we won't get on to that, but so let's talk about how we got going
00:24:32.539 --> 00:24:45.339
to jump in there, because I'm just thinking with with judgment, like if we follow it through to the end. So judgment is is full of fear, isn't it? That's why? Why? Why we're judging, why anyone's judging or receiving judging?
00:24:45.579 --> 00:25:03.000
It's fear. Otherwise, we just go, I don't care. Stick our fingers in our eyes. Yeah, absolutely. So if we follow it to the end, what are we frightened of? What are we frightened of? That, that, that, that, that, and if we're really honest with all of the ifs and buts, it's fear of, you know, doing bad. Job, fear of failure, fear of not, fear of our kids.
00:25:03.299 --> 00:25:09.779
You know, there are various flavors. Aren't there depending on your own personal narrative.
00:25:06.660 --> 00:25:27.920
What's your personal fear at the end of the judgment? Yeah, what do you think they are? The judges are right in that that you're going to be sort of confirmed, that you know your kids going to be homeless, or, yeah, or they're gonna crash, or that. You know what I love, that personal brand of fear is what he really feared off because otherwise you wouldn't care about the judgment.
00:25:28.220 --> 00:25:57.519
Yeah, I love that. And one of the things I love about my husband is he just doesn't worry. Amazing. No, he really doesn't, and I can't shame him into worry. And I admire that ability to sort of just be like, No, this is the way. Here are my values. Here's how I think about things. It's actually a really refreshing because I'm a bit flip floppy and like, oh, I don't know, is this the right, right? And I do challenge him. I do argue with him. And sometimes he goes, No, you've got a really good point there. But he doesn't feel shame, no. He just goes, Oh, yeah, no, that's good point.
00:25:57.519 --> 00:25:58.000
We'll do that.
00:25:58.000 --> 00:26:01.019
And I imagine you kind of want to drag him in and go share this burden
00:26:02.880 --> 00:26:08.279
of, www, drop that mess on the floor, clean it up later. Let's go and do something else. So let's talk.
00:26:08.279 --> 00:26:18.900
Let's talk about how we can tell the difference. And I loved your point about being able to, you know the is it something that really matters to me? It probably is, if you're feeling the trigger, an old
00:26:19.319 --> 00:27:07.200
trigger, I noticed, just to expand that tiny bit before I let you speak, go for it. Go for it. Like sometimes I think I've sorted something through, and I'm not worried about it. I'm not fearful about it. It's an old thing, and it shows up again and again. Quiet can be real whisper, and it's sometimes when somebody is judging. And it might not be to me. It might be something out there. I read a judgment, and then I feel this Ick. And I, if I'm not really careful, I sort of spiral down that one, and it gets you So awareness is super key in this stuff that you that, oh moment, yeah, where you go, Oh, look. Well, your judgment is or the judgment is going to see, told you, so we have to be really aware of them.
00:27:07.859 --> 00:27:09.599
I love that.
00:27:07.859 --> 00:27:23.059
And I think the times when I felt judged, what I there's a technique I've worked out, which is, if I'm feeling this ick, this uncomfortable feeling, I try to think, so. Where is it coming from? Try to locate it.
00:27:23.359 --> 00:27:51.460
And in the past, I felt that so much more, because I felt the judgment, and it was from people in my family. And once I had managed to identify it, I could then question whether it was true, whether what they were judging me for was actually reasonable. And almost always it wasn't reasonable, like you said, they were projecting onto me, and I just stepped away from it amazing, and it just made all the difference, yeah, and I, but I identifying, it's the one of the most important things to start with, and
00:27:51.460 --> 00:27:59.319
it surprises us. I mean, I actually have an example of it from from me as well.
00:27:54.220 --> 00:28:41.079
Recently, like, my academic stuff was important in my family of origin, and so I felt I had to perform well classic, be enough in that way to be acceptable. So I have always told my kids, you know, work hard, but your results do not define you the end period. Like you are way more than any of that, and when, you know, really made a massive effort into sharing that with them and teaching that, and they get it, and then when they have had hurdles in their academic, which loads of kids do mine have, definitely, I was met with it again. I was like, What is that like? And it's a tiny little whisper, yeah, but you think, you think it doesn't matter, and you know it doesn't matter,
00:28:41.920 --> 00:28:45.519
but, but what if it does? Yeah, still part of your DNA does. Yes,
00:28:45.519 --> 00:28:50.019
it's still there. So we're having to, you know, we sometimes have to be really honest and unpack it really
00:28:50.019 --> 00:29:40.460
and keep revisiting you. Never assume it's never one and done. No, it's no. I think one of the things that's helped me most is when someone is judging me, you can't change their mind by saying you can either sort of step away and think, Well, I don't care. Yeah, but you can't change their mind by necessarily arguing the toss, unless they're someone like my husband. One of the things you can do is you can question the judgment and why does that matter to you? In the same way that I said in the blog that I wrote about setting rules and boundaries, the very first place to start is, why does this matter? Why is this so important? And we've talked about this a lot, and I think when someone is giving you a sense of judgment, asking them the question can be very helpful for forcing them to try and, like, fill in the gaps. Like, why is this why is this so important?
00:29:40.460 --> 00:29:49.299
Why is this important? Or, like, disarming can be Yes, oh, that's interesting. Why do you think that? Yeah, that's interesting.
00:29:44.680 --> 00:30:18.660
I I've always, I remember seeing this thing years ago and sharing it with my kids, and we still talk about it, you know. And it's anti bullying, but it's, it's a similar thing. It overlaps, you know, if someone says something really horrible to you, I. I don't know you're, you're really ugly, yeah. Oh, thanks. I've been working on, thanks for noticing. That's brilliant. You notice. And then they're disarmed. There's nothing, maybe in a different way. You know, that's really interesting. Why do you, why do you say that? Yeah,
00:30:18.779 --> 00:30:29.660
or thanks. I've been really working on having a messy house? Yeah, and because it'd be just so much, cos you're like, yes, what do you think?
00:30:23.599 --> 00:31:03.119
Brilliant. So one of the tips is lead with empathy and not authority. So if you notice something and you think, Oh, I could help them, but I'd like to support them, but I don't want to come across as judgmental, one of the first things you can do is start by acknowledging how hard parenting can actually be, and share where you've had perhaps a similar thing happen to you. So it becomes not a hierarchy, it's a shared experience. You're not sitting on high judging. You're actually next to them, going, God, that's been hard. Yeah. Another thing is, is to ask and not assume. So instead of diving in with advice, which is what we do with our kids, often we think, Oh, I know this one. I can fix this.
00:31:03.180 --> 00:31:11.640
I've done this before. You just say, you know, do you think it would it help you at all if I shared something that worked for me? Or, you know, are you looking for suggestions? Yeah.
00:31:11.640 --> 00:31:35.180
But if they say, Well, no, then you just, that's it. They don't want it. Yeah, they just don't want it. And then you share without instructing, so you can frame advices like a personal experience. So what really helped me was when I did this, and they can look at that and think, Oh, well, that might resonate with them, but if it doesn't, that doesn't check it out. It's you know, that move on. Yeah, it's not important.
00:31:35.180 --> 00:31:45.039
And don't think, Oh, I gave them the advice and they didn't take I am right. Or you can say I read something the other day and I thought it's interesting, or you could share our episodes.
00:31:50.380 --> 00:31:54.400
Avoid that you're great at this.
00:31:50.380 --> 00:32:03.000
Avoid the should always, never, any of those, like the shoulds don't should all over yourself or anybody else. No. Validate before? Well, we've done that.
00:32:03.240 --> 00:32:06.240
Validate curiosity. Not Christmas. We love this one.
00:32:06.240 --> 00:32:21.980
Always be curious. Always ask, ask, ask, ask, ask, let them come up with a solution themselves. So you can just say, God, how do you think that happened? How? Where do you think that? Why do you think you're feeling that way? And what do you think you could do?
00:32:18.240 --> 00:32:46.660
Because actually quite I found that with my kids, the more I ask the questions, and then I say, so what do you think would be the best thing that you would you could try? What could you try next? They very often, they're really good at coming up with a solution, because they've spent the time unpacking it for themselves without having me swoop in and fix it, yeah. And they need maybe just a sounding board, yeah, and then just knowing when to just be there, yeah, right, like you going sitting on your daughter's bed.
00:32:46.839 --> 00:33:54.400
Sometimes, no, sometimes life is just really hard, and we can't fix it for them. And you know this woman who's got this disabled child who acts up in public, and she doesn't want to shame him by correcting his behavior, but at the same time, she feels incredibly judged. So you know, if you see that you can just, like, just go, just be with them, rather than scuttling off somewhere else, and just kind of just be a space with them. Yeah, I've had people in public where they listening to their music on their phone, kids on the train. And I've learned I can just say to them, Hey, do you mind wearing your headphones? Yeah. And often they'll just go, oh, oh no, because they haven't even thinking. They haven't thought about it. You know, we don't have to judge. You can just kind of step in and be part of the community that says, you know, maybe this would be nice. I have not had that response once. I really haven't, and I've done it lots and I've done it lots and lots and lots of times, adult men everything. And if you're really polite, what you're doing then is you're creating a community. You say, Oh, we don't really like this, but could you but you do it in a nice way, and then they don't judge you, they don't get upset.
00:33:54.460 --> 00:34:01.200
Because what happens if we don't verbalize stuff, and that could be in the home or out and out and about, is that we build up. We expect people to know what
00:34:01.440 --> 00:34:06.000
our boundaries are. We expect them to know, not to throw rubbish, not to
00:34:06.119 --> 00:35:01.440
Yeah, so maybe we're, we're a parent that expects children to, you know, still, you maybe, maybe I personally think it's quite old fashioned. And, you know, children shouldn't be seen, should be seen and not heard, kind of vibes that they're not allowed to say anything out in the supermarket, I find that often a judgment that comes, like externally or from societies. Sometimes it's, it's something that they have worked really hard on. Yeah, so I don't know if people are people get obsessed with about how other people look, yes, that kind of thing. If they have, I don't know if they have spent a lot of time and energy making sure they eat healthfully and exercise and that, and then they hear an opinion that, you know, it doesn't matter anymore. They get really triggered by it, yeah, and maybe that's the same as parenting, if they've, if they've, you know, put all their effort into their CO their kid being a particular way, and maybe it's gone against them.
00:34:58.719 --> 00:35:04.980
Their own grain, and maybe it hasn't been in balance for them.
00:35:01.440 --> 00:35:07.139
They get really enraged if they see somebody just letting their kids
00:35:07.318 --> 00:35:11.039
do what sailing through. Yeah, it's such a great point. So
00:35:11.039 --> 00:35:13.679
why judgment is always about the judger?
00:35:13.920 --> 00:35:22.639
Yeah, I think that's a perfect way to end so so well, if you found this useful. Give it five stars.
00:35:22.639 --> 00:35:39.559
Follow the show. Send it right now to one person you know who's really judging. Who might benefit from it. Susie, you've been doing a huge amount of work in the corporate environment, haven't you? And excellent webinars getting amazing feedback. Yes, is that sort of where you want to be going?
00:35:39.559 --> 00:35:44.438
Yeah, yeah. If anyone, yeah, wants to employ me doing that, yeah? Love it.
00:35:44.440 --> 00:35:59.920
If you've got a workplace, or, you know, you're in business or something, and you need some, some support with it's kind of, it's almost like mind management and how to get a better workforce working together better, but also how to sort of reframe what you're doing, yeah?
00:35:59.920 --> 00:36:05.039
And it's, I mean, it's life, isn't it, yeah. So you know who we are at work is who we are everywhere. So,
00:36:05.099 --> 00:36:20.778
yeah, good, it's good, yeah. You can find me on www, dot teenagers untangled.com or teenagers untangled@gmail.com I'm all over social media, and Susie can be reached there too. Yeah. What's your best way to reach
00:36:21.079 --> 00:36:24.978
my website, which is www, dot, amindful hyphen life.co.uk,
00:36:26.420 --> 00:36:29.420
yeah, it's in the podcast notes as well. So I just had another thought
00:36:30.559 --> 00:36:34.458
bit scattered today.
00:36:30.559 --> 00:36:47.438
Also, that judgment isn't always bad. Is it like judgment? If we can take it from a place of balance and groundedness, can be like super, super useful. We don't want to ignore it's feedback as well. No, I agree. I agree. That's it. That's
00:36:47.440 --> 00:36:55.119
it for this week. I hope you enjoyed that. I love this topic. I could talk about it forever. That's it for now. Bye. For now. Have a big hug. Bye. Bye. You.
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