Dec. 16, 2025

Emotional issues. How to avoid overreacting. Vintage

Emotional issues. How to avoid overreacting. Vintage
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Emotional issues. How to avoid overreacting. Vintage
Emotional issues. How to avoid overreacting. Vintage

Ask Rachel anything None of us likes blowing a fuse when our teen does something that triggers us, but we all do it at some point. Nicky asked us to discuss this topic after she felt she'd overreacted to bad feedback from her son's teachers. We know it fixes nothing and leaves us feeling worse than before, but can we keep smoothing it over with an apology? It was such a great topic to suggest, and when it was first aired I had some amazing feedback from listeners who'd suddenly ...

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Season 5

Ask Rachel anything

None of us likes blowing a fuse when our teen does something that triggers us, but we all do it at some point. 

Nicky asked us to discuss this topic after she felt she'd overreacted to bad feedback from her son's teachers. We know it fixes nothing and leaves us feeling worse than before, but can we keep smoothing it over with an apology?  

It was such a great topic to suggest, and when it was first aired I had some amazing feedback from listeners who'd suddenly realised that they were reacting in the way they had been programmed to by their own family.

My daughter also told me that the main reason her friends don't tell her parents anything is that they think the parents either don't care or that they'll overract.

That's why this podcast is so valuable. It gives us as space to stop and think about the things that come to us unbidden, so that we can upack them and make changes that help us with our own relationships.

Long term, if we don't manage to adapt, we run the risk of ruining our connection with our teens because they learn that the best way to manage us parents is to keep quiet, hide, or lie to prevent a repeat.  

So how can we stop ourselves from overreacting? We talk through some mindfulness techniques that could make all the difference. 

This is also a VITAL skill to teach our own teens. 

BOOK RECOMMENDATIONS:

  • When You Lose It by Roxy and Gay Longworth
  • The Chimp Paradox by Prof Steve Peters


RESOURCES:

teenagersuntangled.substack.com

Support the show

Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit.

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Please don't hesitate to seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. When you look after yourself your entire family benefits.
My email is teenagersuntangled@gmail.com
My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me:
www.teenagersuntangled.com

Find me on Substack https://Teenagersuntangled.substack.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/
Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/

You can reach Susie at www.amindful-life.co.uk

00:22 - Parents’ Evening Trigger: Nikki’s Story of Overreacting 0:00:22 – Rachel shares Nikki’s experience at parents’ evening and how repeated negative feedback about her son led to an emotional outburst.

01:58 - Emotional Load of Parenting Teens & Overreaction as a Signal 0:02:06 – Susie’s personal example of overreacting and how it highlighted emotional depletion and the need for self-care and balance.

04:09 - Teen Perspective: Why Teens Don’t Tell Their Parents Things 0:04:09 – Rachel’s daughter explains that teens fear parents will overreact or not care, and Rachel shares her goal of being the first person her kids call when something goes wrong.

05:45 - Book Recommendation: “When You Lose It” by Roxy and Gay Longworth 0:05:45 – Rachel recommends a mother–daughter book on conflict, pressure, and modern teen life with phones and social media.

06:44 - How to Stop Overreacting: Mindfulness and Response vs Reaction 0:06:44 – Transition into the core topic: moving from automatic reaction to conscious response using mindfulness.

07:20 - Internal vs External Overreactors & Fight–Flight–Freeze 0:07:02 – Discussion of internal overreacting (shutting down) vs external (shouting) and how these relate to survival responses.

08:50 - Training the Brain: Amygdala, Prefrontal Cortex & The Chimp Paradox 0:08:50 – Rachel explains emotional regulation in the brain and introduces the Chimp Paradox as a way to talk about overreaction with teens.

11:43 - The PAUSE–ACKNOWLEDGE–RESPOND–REFLECT Framework 0:11:00 – Introduction of Albiona Rakipi’s four-step practice (Pause, Acknowledge, Respond, Reflect) for parents after triggering events like parents’ evening.

12:24 - Why Breathing Works: Regulating the Nervous System in the Moment 0:11:41 – Susie explains how simple grounding and breathing techniques bring the nervous system out of fight–flight–freeze.

13:53 - Cognitive Distortions, Triggers and Overreaction in Parenting 0:13:10 – Exploring how perfectionism, authority figures, and old patterns fuel overreactions and how to acknowledge them in real time.

18:01 - The Beach Ball Metaphor: Suppressing Emotions Until They Explode 0:17:18 – Susie’s “beach ball under water” image for suppressed emotions that eventually burst out as rage or disproportionate reactions.

19:21 - Fact vs Story: How Our Brains Fill in the Gaps 0:18:38 – Short “Sam was on the way to school” exercise showing how we invent stories from tiny facts and react to our own assumptions.

21:55 - From Judgment to Curiosity: Asking Better Questions of Teens 0:21:12 – Shifting from black-and-white, judgmental thinking to curious, open-minded listening to avoid misinterpretation.

23:20 - Using Nonviolent Communication After Difficult Feedback 0:22:37 – Applying Marshall Rosenberg’s NVC: sharing neutral observations from parents’ evening and inviting your teen’s perspective.

24:36 - Identifying Triggers, Labelling Emotions & Talking Before Parents’ Evening 0:23:53 – Practical tips: asking teens what teachers might say, writing down common triggers, and naming emotions more precisely than “upset.”

27:07 - Self-Distancing and Time-Distancing to Calm Big Feelings 0:26:24 – Techniques for stepping back mentally (“What would my friend say?” / “Will this matter in five years?”).

27:43 - Timing Conversations with Teens: Choosing the Right Moment 0:27:00 – Susie’s examples of asking teens when is a good time to talk, and how tone and timing change everything.

29:47 - Reframing Self-Talk, Affirmations & Micro-Changes for Parents 0:29:04 – How to flip “I must make my child…” into “How can I…?”, use targeted affirmations, and focus on one small, repeated change.

31:41 - When Overreaction Signals Deeper Issues: Therapy and Medication 0:30:58 – Acknowledging intense rage, trauma, and when to seek professional support or medical help.

33:54 - You’re Doing Your Best: Encouragement and Ways to Stay Connected 0:33:11 – Reassurance that caring enough to listen makes you a good parent, plus signposting Susie’s website and the Teenagers Untangled site.

WEBVTT

00:00:03.240 --> 00:00:14.460
Hello, I'm Rachel Richards and welcome to Teenagers Tntangled the audio hug where we use research by experts and our own experience to discuss everything and anything to do with parenting teenagers.

00:00:14.699 --> 00:00:22.170
Hi there. I'm Susie Asli, mindfulness coach, mindful therapist and musician, and mother of three teenagers, two of them are twins.

00:00:22.379 --> 00:01:03.659
As a parenting coach, mother of two teenagers and two bonus daughters. I've seen the transformative power of getting people together to share ideas and support each other. So here we are. Welcome, pull up a chair. And let's begin. Now Susie, Nikki contacted me via our Instagram page to ask for support after a parents evening that totally triggered her. The feedback on her son was consistently that he's lazy, he doesn't try, chats in class, you get the picture, right? This is one after the other of people saying the same thing. Poor Nikki came home after an entire evening of this and simply lost it with her son. And we've all felt like that at times. Anyway.

00:01:04.530 --> 00:01:08.010
I had a chat with her about it.

00:01:04.530 --> 00:01:13.650
And she suggested we make a podcast about how not to overreact. And I thought wow, what a great idea.

00:01:13.680 --> 00:01:26.909
Yeah, brilliant. I mean, we all we overreact, don't we? But it's when it's inappropriate. So that's what we're talking about based on our own triggers, rather than the actual event.

00:01:27.299 --> 00:01:33.810
So I loved that. But it also made me think that we could do a double podcast. So we'll do this one.

00:01:33.810 --> 00:01:57.659
And the next one, we'll talk about how you can communicate with teachers when they're teenagers, because she didn't have her son with her. And there was a side of me that thought if he'd been with her, that might have felt like a different relationship, because she could have been coaching her son rather than having to listen to the teachers telling her what a horrible son she had, or that's how she took it. Yes, yeah. So thank you, Nikki, for raising a brilliant topic.

00:01:58.109 --> 00:02:01.200
Any feedback is good. Lovely suggestions.

00:02:01.260 --> 00:02:06.359
So before we talk about that in depth, let's discuss our nuggets of wisdom.

00:02:03.540 --> 00:02:06.780
Now, let's go for you, Susie first.

00:02:06.840 --> 00:03:06.840
Okay, so mine is related to this topic of overreacting. And it is relating it to myself in that there's been quite a lot going on in our family for the last couple of weeks. Various aren't going to bore you with any details. I think it's a common thing with parenting teenagers, we're left emotionally holding a lot of things. So we might not be doing as much on a daily basis as when our kids were little. But the emotional burden, I don't really like the word burden. But the emotional strain is a strain, When we're giving energy it's depleting us. And there's been a lot of that for me in the last couple of weeks. And then something happens, which was irritating, and I overreacted.

00:02:59.280 --> 00:03:44.580
We fixed the actual thing, but I took that as a symptom. So I think overreacting can sometimes be a symptom that we are a bit out of balance. So if we have a practice, which I have done for a long time of you know, getting to know my own patterns, my own my own normal reactivity, my own normal response patterns, and when they change, then it's an opportunity for me to go, oh, hang on, what do I need, and there's something I'm not giving myself or guessing or I'm not rested properly. And it was exactly that. And I talked it through with my partner. And I was really tired, really overwhelmed by some of the things and so I made a conscious decision to do less this week.

00:03:41.159 --> 00:03:49.949
And I'm fortunately able to do that. And just make sure that I take a bit bit more care of myself this week to get back into balance.

00:03:50.009 --> 00:04:04.889
And I love that because it reminds us that even with someone who's a practitioner who does this all the time. It's a dynamic situation. And it's about just self awareness and being able to help ourselves rather than saying, Oh, I fixed that. That's not a problem anymore.

00:04:05.550 --> 00:04:07.379
Yeah, daily practice.

00:04:09.629 --> 00:05:08.670
For me, I told my daughter that I was researching overreacting and - apropos nothing - she said, Well, the reason my friends tell me their parents don't get to hear anything is because they either think the parents don't care, or that the parents are going to overreact. And I thought, gosh, okay. Now you're making it really clear to us why this is actually such a big problem. And I thought about my relationship with my kids and what I'm always aiming for - not always succeeding - is that I want them to know that if something goes wrong, the first thing they do is call me. Not that I'll fix it, but that I'll help them walk through what happened and how they can deal with it themselves. So I don't charge into fix things. What I don't want is for them to say, oh my goodness, I've done something really stupid. Don't tell my mom. Yes. Which is what a lot of teenagers end up doing.

00:05:15.000 --> 00:05:25.500
and When I first became a parent, I thought my job was to be all 'I know everything'. but it's not that at all. Which is hard to get your head around anyway.

00:05:26.790 --> 00:05:33.779
I wish people could see you doing the impression of your daughter that was quite funny. She does like a head wiggle thing. It's brilliant.

00:05:35.790 --> 00:05:41.879
Yeah, well, maybe we'll get onto TV at some point. You never know. You never know. I think we'd have to brush our hair, then wouldn't we?

00:05:41.879 --> 00:05:44.100
I know and I gotta get out of my running clothes.

00:05:45.720 --> 00:06:28.860
Before we get into the nitty gritty of how not to overreact. I've been reading the most fantastic book suggested to me by another listener called Libby. And it's called when you lose it, and it's written by a mother and daughter, Roxy and Gay Longworth. And it brilliantly lays bare the complexities of building a relationship and coping with the sort of world we're living in, and the sorts of pressures that we're under and our children are under. And you know, our teens who've got mobile phones who were exposed to all sorts of stuff that we just never dealt with. So I highly recommend it. And I'm going to include it in the references and I will put it into all the podcast notes where it is relevant but it's a great book.

00:06:29.610 --> 00:06:37.319
Wow. Amazing that they actually wrote it so and brave of her to spill the beans because you know, that's that's tough,

00:06:37.560 --> 00:06:41.610
very, really.

00:06:37.560 --> 00:06:43.680
Each of them has written each event from their own perspective. Amazing.

00:06:44.490 --> 00:06:46.860
Now, How to Stop overreacting.

00:06:47.250 --> 00:06:49.860
Oh, well, that's mindfulness.

00:06:49.920 --> 00:06:51.300
It's mindfulness- it is mindfulness.

00:06:51.300 --> 00:06:55.889
And so what we want to do is we want to get to the point where we respond rather than we react.

00:06:55.889 --> 00:07:02.579
Yes. And that's practice and awareness and all of that, which takes time, but we can go into, into into the techniques.

00:07:02.579 --> 00:07:20.850
Yes. And there's internal overreacting people who react by going inside themselves and going into a cycle of misery and unhappiness or whatever. And then external overreacters - which is what we're more used to, which is people who shout and get upset.

00:07:20.850 --> 00:07:36.389
Yeah, we have like patterns, don't we? Reacting is a normal human response, we react to stuff that happens, it's just a reaction. But when it's an overreaction, then then we're probably tying in all sorts of other things into it.

00:07:36.389 --> 00:07:57.149
And then we go quickly into survival response, which is fight flight freeze. So the internal reactors that might look like flight, freeze, and then the external would be the fight. We all do all of the responses, but we tend to have a tendency, so just even being aware of which one your norm is, is really helpful. And then you can go, oh, yeah, that's what's happening right now.

00:07:57.480 --> 00:08:04.050
And you can't help the fact you're going to feel something, what you can help is how you deal with it.

00:08:04.050 --> 00:08:49.799
Exactly that. So we come back to the whole Victor Franklin thing of, you can't choose your circumstances, but you can always choose how you respond. And that doesn't mean it's easy. But it's always a choice. So what we do when I'm teaching mindfulness is we have you react, it's a normal thing, it's a normal thing. And then we build in a buffer zone, which is where we stop, we notice that we're reacting, we stop, we do whatever we need to do, which is maybe you take a breath, do whatever tools and practices that you know, help you and we can share some of those. And then you can make a conscious choice, which is a response, which looks usually very different from a knee jerk reaction, but it's consciously building in that buffer zone and practicing it.

00:08:50.009 --> 00:09:18.240
Yes. And I read that when we habitually have a difficult time, with regulating our temper. It's because you've got a weak connection between your amygdala - this sort of ancient part of the brain where the chimp is, yeah, and your prefrontal cortex, which is the thinking part of the brain, and the more you can practice this sort of unpicking what's going on, the stronger that connection will become, and the easier you'll find it to actually regulate and not just tip over.

00:09:52.589 --> 00:10:06.870
It's interesting they call it a weak connection, because I think it's that sounds normal, like, our amygdala is the prime processing. Yes, it's just a reaction, isn't it? And that could be based on your, you know, your life experiences as to how sensitive you are. But it's I think it's pretty normal.

00:10:06.870 --> 00:10:11.579
But the conscious choice bit, the practice bit is where we as humans can make a difference.

00:10:11.879 --> 00:10:31.799
So I'm going to come up with an acronym but before I just move into that, this does remind me of the Chimp Paradox, which I mentioned that Episode No, like three or something, which has been transformative in the way that I talked to my kids. The idea is that we all have a chimp that we're born with. It's not your fault, which chimp you've got.

00:10:31.829 --> 00:10:39.029
Mine's ultra competitive. But you do have to train it. So you can't just say, Oh, I'm sorry.

00:10:36.779 --> 00:10:39.029
It's my Chimp, I can't help it.

00:10:39.539 --> 00:10:53.969
In the same way that you can't just say that's my dog. I'm sorry, it's bitten you, but that's just my dog. Since I've read the book, The Chimp Paradox. I've used it frequently with my kids where one of them was a very overreactive personality. And I'd say, darling, I can see your chimp.

00:10:54.480 --> 00:11:14.639
It's come out. And my other one who has a very active chimp that tells her she's got to constantly study, I've just said we need to gaffa tape that Chimp, tie it to a chair. And you need to just say yes to the stuff before your chimp can say no, because the chimp always comes up and says, Oh, no, that looks too much fun. And you need to study

00:11:14.669 --> 00:11:16.019
Oh, can can we borrow it?

00:11:16.980 --> 00:11:33.779
No, actually, can I just say everybody goes, Oh, how wonderful. But I think people who overstudy and don't really have fun, it's also a problem. All of parents think that's amazing. And wow. But actually, I think that's also a problem.

00:11:33.779 --> 00:11:35.279
Yeah. So can we just share it?

00:11:35.279 --> 00:12:04.949
Yeah. So coming to the acronym that's going to help us. I read lots of little different bits, and this was the one I liked most and it's from Albiona Rakipii, The Parenting Reframe, and she uses Pause, Acknowledge, Respond, Reflect; a four step practice. So pause; Let's say I've been at this parents evening, I'm so cross.

00:12:00.899 --> 00:12:15.809
So we're coming back to Nicky scenario. And I'm losing my mind over this. The pause gives you time to breathe, and why do we breathe? What's so important about the breathing Susie?

00:12:15.990 --> 00:12:33.480
Well, the breathing is the thing that regulates us and brings us back down away from the fight flight freeze into being able to manage and then you know, our brain can think rationally again, and we our nervous system gets disregulated because we're completely out of whack. But that is the most important step.

00:12:30.240 --> 00:12:52.829
It's the stopping and the pausing. And we do need to practice that. And when we start doing these kinds of things, we won't notice it in the moment because you're it's a nanosecond, that reaction is kind of like a volcano inside sometimes, isn't it? But it's practicing. Oh, that's coming.

00:12:49.469 --> 00:12:54.120
That's coming. I need to pause and recognize it.

00:12:54.389 --> 00:13:04.949
I'd say with the very deep breathing you're tricking your brain, and that chimp - into calming down, you're going it's not a problem.

00:13:02.219 --> 00:13:05.549
And they go oh, okay, yeah, I can calm down

00:13:05.579 --> 00:13:28.289
exactly that. And you can do various things. I mean, you can make it really simple. If you're iyo in the middle of that teacher conference. And you can't just go hang on, I'm going to step outside, because you've only got that five minutes silly slot online. You can literally feel your feet on the ground and your bum on the chair, and have that feeling of weight in your body.

00:13:25.500 --> 00:13:39.360
Perhaps place your hand on your heart, if that doesn't look weird for the teacher. And just really focus on your breath for just three breaths that will give you something it's not as good as doing it for a minute, but they will give you something, anything like that.

00:13:39.360 --> 00:13:44.429
And it really can be a few seconds, and it can bring you back enough for you to go oh, I'm overreacting.

00:13:45.059 --> 00:14:25.409
and then acknowledging it. So you pause and breathe. And then actually say, Okay, I am overreacting, right now I can feel that there's a big, volcanic response here. And what we're trying to do is learn to be aware of cognitive distortions, because these are automatic thinking patterns that click in when something happens. Very often they were formed in childhood, like having an authority figure; a parent or teacher with a high level of perfectionism, with critical and unrealistic expectations, and it triggers you when you're in a situation where your kids not being perfect,

00:14:25.439 --> 00:14:27.929
and that's the reactivity but it's unconscious.

00:14:27.929 --> 00:14:33.539
It's a reaction. And that's where why we have to step in consciously and practice not reacting.

00:14:33.569 --> 00:15:01.230
Yes. So you need to sort of in the moment, pause, acknowledge, okay, this is I can feel this as an overreaction. You can't always do anything about it, because we're human beings. But what you're trying to do is respond, not react. So once you've acknowledged the state you're in, you can sometimes trick yourself into calming down a bit, and then say, right, should we talk about this? A bit calmer, you can step away, you don't have to give a response straight away.

00:15:01.409 --> 00:15:13.559
I do that regularly with my kids. I did it on Friday, I was talking to one of my kids who would have done something and we were falling out on the phone and I just went I'm too annoyed to talk about this right now. I'm gonna ring you back.

00:15:13.829 --> 00:15:41.969
Yes, yes. And you're what you're doing then as well is you're teaching them that that's okay. You don't because I think what happens and I've spoken to my kids about this as they get this feeling that they think the second they've read a message they're supposed to respond by and this is their language they and they keep saying to me mommy, I can't open that message. Because once I've opened it, I have to respond. Which is a bit weird because It means that you are constantly in a spiral, someone's got to respond. Sounds good. And it's very stressful.

00:15:37.620 --> 00:15:47.250
And I constantly say to my kids, you know, you don't have to respond straight away. When someone asks you a question, it's okay to breathe and think.

00:15:47.730 --> 00:16:04.259
And a more considered response can be really powerful. And then so we've got, pause, acknowledge, respond, and then the really big one, which is reflect, and the reflect stage, is asking yourself the big questions. Why did I do that?

00:16:04.709 --> 00:16:08.250
You know, what could I have done differently? Did it even matter?

00:16:08.939 --> 00:16:24.269
And this is where you're going to learn the most about yourself, where we learn the most about ourselves. And what we can do is, if you are minded to write things down, you can sit down and reflect and think what, what happened behind that.

00:16:24.299 --> 00:16:27.179
And do I do this regularly? is it usually a similar thing?

00:16:27.539 --> 00:16:47.849
Yeah. And we can add a big old massive dose of self compassion into that one as well. That's really important, because we will flip out, of course we do. And the more you practice, the quicker the process gets, as well. So you can get like a feeling, oh, I'm about to freak out about this thing. Or it's that again. Yeah.

00:16:44.039 --> 00:17:12.029
And recognize it. So it's quicker. It's a quick process, you know, what's going on. And that's the whole point of practicing and awareness. I love that. But we need to have self compassion. We're human beings, we get pushed, maybe you slept badly last night, maybe there's other stuff going on. And you know, you're doing the best you can in this moment. And you're a human being having a normal human response. And yes, maybe you could make different choices next time. But you did the best you could in that moment. Yes.

00:17:12.539 --> 00:17:15.240
Otherwise, it turns into shame.

00:17:12.539 --> 00:17:15.900
And you know, we can be really hard on ourselves.

00:17:16.140 --> 00:17:52.109
So when you're reflecting, there are things that you can sort of drill down into. So what was it? Was it surprise; Did I get surprised by something that I didn't think was supposed to happen? Was I suppressing something? So a friend of mine blew up, because somebody who was sitting at a meal got up and went to read the paper. And, her response was, oh, great, you know, I do all this work, and nobody appreciates it. In reality, it was because over the whole day, or a few days, she'd been feeling like, nobody really appreciated her role.

00:17:52.289 --> 00:18:13.740
That's classic. And it reminds me of the, of the image of when you're suppressing whatever, you're pushing a balloon under the water, or a beach ball under the water. And the effort required to keep that under the water is huge. And you're keeping it down, you're keeping it down. And then of course, it's you're gonna move slightly, and it's gonna pop up.

00:18:14.369 --> 00:18:21.389
And then it's exploded. So it's important that we, yeah, we acknowledge it before it has to explode.

00:18:21.839 --> 00:19:12.720
And so that's a really good way of imagining what's going on there. I love that. Also ask is this is similar to something that's happened in my past? That's called flooding. Which is where it brings up old memories, old things that triggered you in the past and then you haven't let go of yet, or haven't been aware of. Also symbolism. So you might be unconcsiously thinking this someone questioning what you've just said means they have no respect for me as a parent. You know, you may think that and they may think, oh, no, I was just asking a question. But you've, you've added so much more to it because of a painful supposition. So for example, based on your questioning of what I've just said, I assume you're going around raising questions about my competence to all these other people.

00:19:12.839 --> 00:19:23.250
And that brings us to how much we presume and how much is true. Yeah. Is it true?

00:19:15.450 --> 00:19:29.039
We make up so much stuff, and we're not aware that we are making up stuff. So I have a little practice a little illustrations.

00:19:29.039 --> 00:19:30.720
Oh I love these.

00:19:31.379 --> 00:19:36.029
And it's really simple. And yeah, if you want to join in at home,

00:19:36.059 --> 00:19:37.740
close your eyes, not if you're driving, but...

00:19:40.139 --> 00:19:47.430
yeah, don't fall over. But if you can close your eyes, it's just the idea is you keeping your gaze internal, you can focus a bit better. But if you can't then just keep moving.

00:19:48.149 --> 00:19:51.149
So just listen to these sentences and see what happens.

00:19:51.180 --> 00:19:55.440
So here comes the first one. Sam was on the way to school. Yep.

00:19:56.039 --> 00:20:22.259
She was worried about the math lesson. She wasn't sure she could control the class again today. Ah, it wasn't part of a caretakers duty. What normally happens, and I do this all the time with clients and in groups, and everyone goes, Oh, yeah, but Sam was a boy or that was confusing or whatever. We all have different responses to it.

00:20:19.079 --> 00:20:41.970
And sometimes we even have a whole visual picture of what someone will look like. And the point of the story is that we get a tiny fragment of fact, and then our mind fills in all the gaps and it fills in all the gaps with our own experiences, our own memories, our own stuff, our own presumptions. And then we presumed that the gap fillers are the truth.

00:20:43.049 --> 00:21:28.019
And respond using that Until we get new facts that then contradict. And then we go, oh, hang on a minute, we shift gear, and then we fill in with new gaps. And we're doing that every single day. And most of those gap fillers are stuff that we have made up. So it's really important that we learn to step back and go hang on a minute, which part of this is fact? And which bits - probably 80% - have I made up? And the more we can build that awareness and get that sort of gentle questioning, sowing those seeds that it might not be true, it might be true, but it might not be. We don't get into so many sticky corners of expectation and presumption, and all of that, which, which leads us into tricky places.

00:21:28.079 --> 00:21:36.930
Right? That's brilliant. And it's not just my mind. It's everybody's mind does this. Everybody. And we need to unpick what's actually in our suppositions.

00:21:38.279 --> 00:21:45.839
Also just having an open mind and just being curious about stuff rather than presuming we have all the truths.

00:21:46.379 --> 00:22:01.259
Absolutely. So there are things we can do ahead of time. Now, because we've done P A. We've become aware that we have we filled in these gaps.

00:21:57.149 --> 00:22:16.470
And one of the things we can do is have a curious mind rather than a judgmental mind. Because if you have a curious mind, every time you dig a little bit deeper, you get more information. And hopefully, you make fewer mistakes about what's really going on there.

00:22:16.649 --> 00:22:42.779
Absolutely. And it just opens it up. So our mind is made as a survival thing. And it divides the world into safe, unsafe, safe, unsafe, safe, unsafe. And that is how we judge everything. So black and white thinking, and that's why we become so reactive. Yeah. But if we can change that and go, Oh, curious, what does that mean?

00:22:39.960 --> 00:22:50.700
What does that mean? We can unpack with an open mind, and we reveal stuff that we would probably never have even thought of in the first place.

00:22:50.909 --> 00:23:11.279
So if the Nikki came back, knowing about that technique, what she possibly would have done, either in the actual meetings, although they were very short, which makes it very difficult. But she could have sat down and said, So I heard this. Yeah. So what's behind it and helped him discuss it rather than getting very upset?

00:23:11.399 --> 00:24:05.819
Yes, or just sort of putting presumptions to one side. Because maybe she's right, you know, maybe her first response is right. That's another point, you know, you might be right. But you might be wrong. That's the point. So we need to test it out. Nonviolent Communication is an amazing thing. Marshall Rosenberg, who is unfortunately no longer with us. But he's written lots of books. And it's a way of negotiating a way of difficult situations by doing lots of communication. And one of the things is that you sort of feed back with an observation. So not emotionally, so she could have gone, oh, I went to parents evening, and this is the feedback I got. That's fact, and then see what he says about it.

00:24:06.059 --> 00:24:27.420
Andthen unpack it that way, instead of going in with an emotional accusation, or being annoyed, which would be very understandable, not judging her at all. But to go in with a neutral observation, and then just seeing what, what is his response to that? And then then taking it step by step that way, which would be a good way of doing it.

00:24:27.420 --> 00:24:55.920
Yeah, I love that. And it's things like identifying your triggers. So for example, if my kids have messed up my kitchen at the weekend, and it's upsetting me, it really helps to actually write it down, so that I know that these things will bother me, and then I can make sure that they don't sneak up on me.

00:24:49.559 --> 00:25:43.920
So I suppose with her situation, what could have been more helpful to her as well? Because I always do this with my kids as before I go to a parents evening, I say, What do you think they're going to say about you? I always ask my kids because I'll get a sense of what to expect. They'll either be looking uncomfortable, or they might contextualise what I'm about to hear so I've got a little bit more information beforehand. Labeling our emotions is important; so instead of saying, I'm really upset, learning to unpack the emotion so that it's not just a generic emotion. for example, I'm cross. So why am I cross?

00:25:44.220 --> 00:26:13.139
I'm cross, because it's embarrassing for me to sit in front of teacher after teacher telling me bad things about my son. It's made me feel like a bad parent. And I didn't expect it. So it then caught me off guard. Yeah. So you could actually use all those words to explain exactly what went on there. So you're also teaching your son or daughter, that there are more words to expressing your feelings than just saying I'm upset.

00:26:13.769 --> 00:26:44.609
And one of the things of the nonviolent communication is voicing your needs. First of all, you have to know what they are. So maybe sitting for a moment, and well, what are my needs in this? And of course, it's about her son this but it's her overreaction that I think was the was the point of it. What were her needs in it? Which is similar to what you were saying, But why is she reacting so strongly? And what does she need for reassurance?

00:26:40.649 --> 00:26:58.710
Does she need a conversation with her son to work out whether this is going to be a repeated thing? What does he need in this for it to change? You know, it's all about unpacking, rather than jumping in with a reaction in a black and white judgmental way.

00:26:59.220 --> 00:27:14.309
And in order to help yourself there are two distancing techniques. So one is self-distancing. So removing yourself and pretending you're your best friend, or someone that you trust, looking at the situation, what would they say?

00:27:15.359 --> 00:27:23.940
What would Suzie say about this?

00:27:15.359 --> 00:27:34.379
Or you can use temporal. So time distancing. So five years from now, is this going to be a massive deal or am I going to laugh at this? And say, do you remember the time when all those teachers said you were awful, but now look where you are?

00:27:34.379 --> 00:27:36.329
Good points, right?

00:27:34.379 --> 00:27:59.670
I mean, I've had lots of conversations with with one of my kids particularly about, about this kind of thing. It wasn't, a parents evening, but he's found doing A levels really hard for various reasons. And it's always a mixed bag of everything. But I've had lots of these kinds of conversations.

00:27:53.309 --> 00:28:03.269
And I think what I do is I try and be as calm as possible before I have the conversation.

00:28:03.569 --> 00:28:14.609
I always try to if I can say, I'd like to talk about this. Is this a good time for you?

00:28:10.649 --> 00:28:32.430
Because that's really important and it shows respect, that you're taking the conversation seriously; that I don't want to vent. I'm not having a go at him. I want to have a conversation with him. I love that. Ask when is a good time for you? And sometimes he'll go, oh, now can we get it over with.

00:28:27.089 --> 00:29:02.129
And sometimes I'll go later, I'm not in the right space. And usually, you know, in the morning is not a good time to be having a conversation and it needs both people need to be receptive for this. Well, how about tomorrow then? Okay, great. Let's do it then. But that's really important. It shows respect. And it also makes sure that you're both in the right frame of mind, and then being as open as possible. And your tone of voice is really important, like, so. Tell me what you think about this? And then they say a little bit.

00:28:59.430 --> 00:29:02.129
Okay.

00:29:02.220 --> 00:29:03.089
You sound curious.

00:29:03.299 --> 00:29:12.599
What do you mean by that? OK tell me more. I don't quite understand that. Yeah.

00:29:09.269 --> 00:29:24.509
What about when you're just you're unpacking in a in a curious way, so that you can actually get to the crux of what it is. And then you can absolutely bring your opinion.

00:29:21.480 --> 00:29:38.670
And I find that unacceptable, for example, or, okay, I understand now why you're struggling, that makes perfect sense to me. What can we do about it? You should have no expectations of the conversation where it's going to end. You don't know yet because you haven't had it.

00:29:38.940 --> 00:29:57.420
Yes. And linking into that is training yourself to stop using judgment words, like, the negative would be 'I MUST get my kid to pay more attention' and changing that to 'how can I talk so that my kid will listen more?' Yes.

00:29:58.440 --> 00:31:01.619
Flipping the script so that it becomes a much more open positive thing. Retraining our brain. So, you know, once you've actually found something that always triggers you, and you found where it comes from, you can use things like affirmations. I've used affirmations a lot in the past because it takes time for our brain to catch up, and for habits to change. It's not going to happen overnight. The fact that you've noticed something is the start, it's not the end. So if I'm thinking I really need to stop thinking that way I'll just write it down on a post-it and put it up on the mirror where I brush my teeth. Then I remind myself to think that way, because then the habits start every day. It's helped me in my career when I felt I was promoted very fast. And I thought, What am I doing? Why did they trust me to, you know... and I've done it with my kids as well. And it's really helped them. Because sometimes it's hard to get over those hurdles that just keep coming back. And you forget,

00:31:01.829 --> 00:31:08.099
it's really interesting hearing you say that, because I've not been that fond of affirmations. But when it's done like that, I think that's really helpful.

00:31:09.059 --> 00:31:32.609
I don't like the verions which is 'oh, you're brilliant' when you're feeling terrible, because it just means you're negating the feeling. No, it's about retraining. Once you've found a specific thing, you can use it very specifically to help remind yourself of something you've said you're going to do. It's like the New Year's resolutions episode that we did. Just micro- changes, and just focus on one thing, don't try and do lots of things. One thing, right?

00:31:32.940 --> 00:31:49.440
I think I do think going back to what you just said before, timing, I think is actually really key in all of it. It's like the timing of your conversations. I think when we feel reactive, we feel like we have to fix it now. Yes. And the knee jerk reaction is immediate.

00:31:46.349 --> 00:31:52.319
It's like, it's like an emotional vomit. Like, I've got to get it out now.

00:31:52.349 --> 00:31:57.269
And you want to get rid of that horrible. Yeah, you've made me feel this way.

00:31:54.359 --> 00:31:57.990
And I'm just going to make you feel bad too.

00:32:01.079 --> 00:32:24.240
So I'm just thinking. This morning, I was driving one of my kids and he was a bit late and I started - you know - how can we get your sleep patterns better? That kind of conversation. And just suddenly realized, this is really not working. There was no confrontation or there was no drama. But immediately I could feel this is not going to help.

00:32:24.240 --> 00:32:35.009
So I just stopped and asked him how his bacon sandwich was or something.Thinking we'll do this later. Yeah. Was not the moment.

00:32:35.369 --> 00:32:38.460
Even though I need it to be now.

00:32:35.369 --> 00:32:38.460
It's not the right moment.

00:32:38.579 --> 00:33:04.379
Yes. So all these things aside, if you find that you're really overreacting a lot, and these things aren't actually helping you, do see someone. Some of us have had traumatic childhoods or relationships, or we just overwhelmed and there's no shame in getting some support, whether it's professional support, or friends who can help just calm you can be a touchstone.

00:33:09.569 --> 00:33:15.089
Because sometimes when we overreact, we feel really strong feelings of rage.

00:33:11.549 --> 00:33:25.710
You know, they're really big, and they're really horrible. And they, you know, they're really overwhelming. And to just say, Oh, just stop and take a breath, you'll be fine. It can sound really annoying. Yeah. So sometimes

00:33:25.710 --> 00:33:31.680
It can take medication to even to try and rebalance things.

00:33:31.710 --> 00:33:36.990
It's a process. Of course, you're not going to be able to stop that immediately.

00:33:33.690 --> 00:33:46.049
It's, you know, bite size bits of it. But yeah, maybe you need to go and talk to somebody about why you're feeling so angry, because it's again, it's pushing that balloon under the water, there's probably more down there.

00:33:46.139 --> 00:34:30.090
Yes. And finally, I know I've said this before, but it can't be said enough. If you're listening to this podcast, you're a great parent. Because only people who care are going to listen. I've had that with my parenting groups. If you're actually even listening to people talking about parenting, it means you care. So just pat yourself on the back and go oh, you know, I may not be great at this, but I'm doing the best I can and there are certainly no perfect parents here. We're all just trying to do our best. If you've enjoyed this episode, then why not help other parents tell your friends tell the school, subscribe to our podcast and it would be a massive bonus if you left a review. Now Susie can be reached on her own website, which is

00:34:31.980 --> 00:34:33.210
www.amindful-life.co.uk.

00:34:35.670 --> 00:35:00.059
I can never say that so I always just hand over to her. Susie has lots of blog posts. So do check it out. It's really helpful. You can also sign up to receive all the latest at our website, www.teenagersuntangled.com Where there's a blog, reviews, links to every episode and easy ways to contact us both. That's it for now. We'll talk about communicating with teachers in the next episode. Goodbye. Bye bye for now.