Why is my teenger being so horrible to me when they're so nice to everyone else?

Do you remember when your kids were little and they’d play some form of ‘it’. The only way they could be safe was if they managed to make it to ‘home’ before being tagged. The home would be a lampost or a tree or, when we were out and about, my kids would sometimes try to use me. I’d only react the second or third time a child had slammed into me at speed shouting ‘home’, nearly knocking me off my feet.

Today’s thought piece is about being that ‘home’.

I get so many messages like this. Even when we know our teen has to separate from us as a process of maturing it can feel utterly crushing to see their friendships flourish whilst they use us as an emotional rubbish dump.

Rather than bringing in an expert to explain what’s happening I thought it would be more impactful to listen to teenagers talking about their own experience. You can hear the full conversation in this episode:

Why is my teen being so foul to me?

In essence, your teen isn’t giving you a hard time; they’re having a hard time.

But the really important thing to understand is that when your teen seems to be pushing you away by being foul, they're actually signaling deep trust in you. My daughter, Amelia, says you should take it as a compliment.

You read that right. Teens occupy a queasy world where everthing is changing rapidly; friendships form and rupture on the basis of a single comment, their teachers expect them to comply with an increasingly demanding workload, their body seems to be doing all sorts of weird things and their emotions are often unidentifiable.

In all of this turmoil you are their anchor; the place where they can take a breather and let it all out. Those wild emotions that need to be pushed down during the day in order to survive - like a balloon being held under water - can be released without dire consequences. They know that you won’t abandon them for saying the wrong thing. They know a C grade won’t stop you loving them. You are ‘home’.

So how should we respond when they are being foul?

The best way, when we’re feeling strong ourselves, is emotional absorption. Tell yourself ‘It’s not personal,’ try to stay calm and present, and if you feel yourelf overreacting there are techniques we discuss in this episode that you can use. My personal favourite is PARR, and the great thing about this technique is that it doesn’t just calm us down in that moment, it has helped me grow too.

In summary PARR is P: Pause, A: Acknowledge you’re reacting, R: Respond instead of reacting, R: Reflect on what it was in particular that triggered you. It might just be that you were tired or stressed yourself, but it might also have brought up things from your own past or childhood that are unresolved.

Communication Techniques

Use ‘super silence’ and ‘active listening’ techniques from this episode.

Ask: "Are you looking for advice or just someone to listen?" They almost always want the latter whilst we’re almost always desperate to offer the former.

Validate feelings without trying to fix everything. I like to say ‘Oh that sounds really hard,’ and simply wait. You’ll be amazed at how much more likely they are to tell you things, because it signals that you are not judging and that you are offering them compassion.

Don’t try to ‘fix’ them or their problems. It’s much better to prompt them to tell you what they think would be a good answer. ‘What would you like to do about it?’ ‘What would be something you could say?’ Let them brainstorm their own ideas and air them so they can hear them outside of their head. This will build their long-term trust that you will help them to think through a problem rather than judging them or jumping in. I’ve also noticed that using this technique has really helped my daughter to develop her own problem-solving process. She now follows this path instinctively

Self-Care for us parents

I believe it’s also vital to have boundaries. Personally, I have a limit to how much poor treatment I’m prepared to absorb. If my daughter is being rude or cruel I will give her a hard stare and say ‘I’m not prepared to be talked to like that so I’m going to leave the room.’ Sometimes I don’t even manage to vocalise it. There have been times when one of my girls has brought me to tears of frustration or anger, and leaving the room is the best response. I’ve even had to do this with my 30 year old.

I think it’s an important part of growing a respectful relationship and it’s certainly been the making of ours. She has learned the boundaries of her behaviour, and that an apology is important. When she does apologise I always give her space to talk through why she felt that way and what’s going on for her. It’s almost always an emotional reaction and rarely is it something I have done. She knows I will never hold it against her or raise the topic again.

Apologies are a two-way street. If it is something I’ve done I will own up and say sorry, being careful not focus on trying to justify it but explaining how it happened. This has helped her to see that I am human and begin to empathise with adults as flawed but caring and doing our best. I have also used those occasions to reiterate that I love her more than anyone else in the world, and will always be her champion, AND I don’t deserve to be mistreated as a result of our closeness.

I believe the relationship we develop as we rub along with our teens is a brilliant training ground for their future. Our open communicaiton, and my boundary setting, have been extremely helpful for my girls in understanding how to have an honest, loving relationship. All it’s all those difficult moments, the anger and tears, that are the bricks with which we build a solid ‘home’.

What do you think? Email me at teenagersuntangled@gmail.com