I started school over and over again as a child, because we moved countries repeatedly. I went to four different schools after I arrived in England - between the age of ten and thirteen - and then two different colleges before going to University.
I was so used to moving mid-term/mid-year, that I got used to walking in through a sea of faces that would turn and stare at me; I'd just put on the new school uniform and turn up. That said, I used to wet the bed, and wake repeatedly in the night, put on my school uniform, and wake my parents because I was convinced we'd be late.
To my parents, I was being unreasonable and badly behaved; a doctor eventually told my mother I was highly stressed. She didn't have the knowledge, support, or skills to manage the parenting alongside the life they led. I didn't think once about whether it was normal, until I was in my late teens and realised that other people had very different lives.
I say all of this because kids are resilient, and look to their parents for an indication of what is normal. My parents were so 'fuss and nonsensense' about this lifestyle that I absorbed that approach, and it made me resilient. My sister didn't fare so well, and to this day I feel deep sadness about the life she was offered, and accepted.
My first point is, different kids often cope with things very differently. What one can tolerate will break another, so we need to gauge their needs differently. I do, however, believe that they take their cues from us, so the way we talk about school; the teachers, attendance, and the other pupils, will have a profound effect on how our teens perceive it.
Having open conversations with our tween/teens is the foundation on which everything else is built. Prioritize this over everything else before they move school. Offer them a space where they will not be judged and where they can tell you anything, knowing that it will go no further. Trust me on this, it's much cheaper than therapy, where you could argue they do the same thing but charge you for it!
I once had someone like this; an amazing woman in South Africa whom I called Aunty June English. She lived near me and I used to make a beeline for her house after school. She was childless, and welcomed me in with open arms. She set a place for Jesus at every table and listened to my woes. When I was being bullied she would ask me questions about how the bullies saw life, and perceived me. Her gentle, loving, coaching gave me a safe space, and the ability to think about the motivations of others and my own.
Her treatment of me all those years ago set a standard that carried me through every single relationship, hunting for a good one. I knew what I was looking for because I had experienced it. I was lucky; many never know what that feels like. If my parents had asked me how I'd felt, shown compassion for how hard it was to transition from one school to the next, and really listened to my anguish, I wouldn't have been less resilient; I'm convinced I would have been more brave. Talk to your teens using the super silence and active listening outlined in one of our earliest episodes. There is literally no downside to this.
Friendships are everything. When I first came to England a girl in my new class felt sorry for me and my awful Afrikaaner accent, and asked if I wanted to be her best friend. I was delighted and said yes. I didn't know she felt sorry for me (she told me when I caught up with her decades later) I just thought she liked my cool socks and my amazing personality. We drifted apart when I moved as a teenager, because we were ultimately very different people.
Being a teen and having to find new friends is very different from being a child. It's more like a search for a new tribe, which also involves figuring out our own identity. It's a complex negotiation with the world and ourselves. We shouldn't underestimate how profoundly important this is. As a result of my relationship with Aunty June I knew what a good connection felt like; but as a result of all the moving I never really learned how to build, and repair, friendships. Each time I would fall out with someone I literally thought it didn't matter because if I waited a few months we'd move and I'd never see them again. It's taken my entire life to slowly understand that making friends (which I do very well) is different from keeping friends. I'm still trying to figure it out. Mostly, I'm really bad at it; I know I'm bad at it, I just can't fix it that easily.
This is one of the critical jobs of being a teenager, so don't underestimate the impact of moving schools and needing to find new friends. When things go wrong there will be a number of factors, and helping your teen to think through what's going on will make all the difference.
School work is no longer about telling them what to do; we have to gently hand over the reins, but providing structure at home is vital. What I learned is that it's incredibly important to give our teens a non-judgmental understanding of how the world works, how their schoolwork impacts their ability to think through arguments and marshal information to their advantage, and how exams help them through the hoops to a life they want.
It's up to them to figure out what kind of life they want and how important all of this is to them. Ultimately, they're the ones who will live with the choices they make. I offer structure; I ask what they want to get done, how soon they need to get it done, how to work back from the deadline to where they need to start, a place to study, discussions about the impact of screens on their motivation and concentration, and how I can remove them to support them.
All of this shows our teens that we genuinely care and respect them. By discussing how we can support them it shows we consider what they are doing is very important - without trying to tell them what to do; which is a complete turn-off.
Finally, try and cover the various topics that I've highlighted below. You'd be surprised by how quickly they crop up. If you talk about them beforehand, it's like being vaccinated against the worst. They'll be able to spot what's going on, and pause before making a mistake they regret.
TALKING WITH YOUR TEEN: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/parenting-tips-3-techniques-for-talking-with-your-teenager-and-teenagers-having-sex-in-your-home/
SCREEN TIME MANAGEMENT: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/parenting-tips-9-how-to-help-your-teens-manage-their-screen-time-and-talking-to-them-about-healthy-eating-without-giving-them-an-eating-disorder/
FRIENDSHIP GROUPS: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/parenting-tips-10-helping-your-teen-navigate-friendship-groups-particularly-girls-and-how-to-get-your-teen-to-keep-going-instead-of-giving-up-at-the-first-hurdle/
ANXIETY: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/parenting-tips-14-how-to-help-your-teen-with-anxiety-and-how-to-set-rules-that-your-teens-will-follow/
STAYING CALM: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/parenting-teenagers-37-our-overreactions-make-us-feel-awful-and-dont-even-achieve-anything-positive-so-what-can-we-do-to-stop-them-from-happening/
VAPING TEENS: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/parenting-teenagers-35-vaping-teens-the-new-epidemic-and-what-we-can-do-about-it/
TALKING ABOUT ALCOHOL: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/parenting-tips-2-should-we-be-letting-our-teenagers-drink-alcohol-and-what-should-we-be-telling-them-about-it-also-how-to-stay-connected/
SNAPCHAT: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/snapchat-a-fantastic-way-to-connect-or-a-cynical-exploitation-of-your-teenagers-time/
