Should I get my kid to watch the Netflix series Adolescence?

Welcome to our disorienting parenting world. Here's my clutch of question prompts for parents.

A few days ago the mother of a 10 year old asked, ‘Should I get my son to watch the show? I’m not quite sure.’ There was an immediate response of ‘Yes, please make sure he watches it…’ My response was ‘I think he’s too young. I definitely wouldn’t want a child younger than senior school age watching it; for starters you might put him off senior school forever!’

It got me thinking. Why do we feel the need to ask other people what we parents should do, rather than deciding, or gathering the research, for ourselves? I count myself in that ‘we’. Why do we think that some random person on the internet will give us better advice, or are we hoping to gain a range of opinions and then pick the one that feels right? Maybe we’re hoping an expert will see our question and give us free advice? But what makes someone an expert? Surely I’m the world leading expert on my own child? Surely I’m the person who cares most about their future and will be the person who has to deal with the outcome of the decisions I make?

Maybe everything has shifted so much that we’ve lost track of what the ‘right’ decision could be and how to go about making it. I say this because there’s an ocean of difference between the world I’m navigating as a parent and the one my own parents had to chart. Here’s one example; when I was a teen there was a TV watershed. This was at nine o’clock, which was considered past bedtime for our kids. That gave us two bits of important data: Your child should now be in bed, and this material is not suitable for them if they are under this age. The age they were referring to? 16. Yes, you read that right. Nowadays social media restrictions are only in place for kids under 13, and many sign up anyway; lying about their age. Think about that for a hot minute.

So, of course we’re confused. The adults who used to be there to flag up what we should do, who were passing down age old knowledge that would guide us parents, appear to have left the room. Now it’s full of tech bros who don’t care about our kids and constantly blur the boundaries to the point that we are fumbling around on these platforms asking if anyone can still see in the dark.

I write from experience. As a parent of four who range from 30 to 16 I have found trying to be the adult here very disorientating, and bewildering at times. It’s why I make my podcast and continue to read so many books about it. I’m aware it’s a luxury I can afford - both in time and money - that many can’t, which is why I continue to share whatever I can on Teenagers Untangled that might help others.

Back to the original subject which was watching Adolescence with young teens. It hadn’t occurred to me to look up the age rating until Katherine Burblasingh (Britains’s strictest headmistress) mentioned it. Apparently, it has a TV-MA rating, meaning it’s not suitable for viewers under 17 due to language and potentially other mature themes. The UK rating is 15, so two years lower. Where was that rating shown? I didn’t look for it because I was watching with my 16 year old, but I can’t say that I would have been aware of it if she was younger. My daughter rolled her eyes and said, ‘There’s nothing in it that a 10 year old won’t see online anyway.’ I was one of the parents who battled against early online access for my kids; even moving schools for that reason.

We’ve all become so inured to the new ‘anything goes’ world order that many parents are simply ignoring age guidelines. Why? Did our elders have things so wrong in the past that the age ratings were utterly old fashioned and pointless? Has humanity, and our mental ability to cope with violence and traumatic experiences, developed at warp speed so we are now no longer affected by this stuff at the ages we used to be? Or do we just shrug and say ‘Oh well they’ll see it all anyway?’ I’m no expert, but I think we’ve dropped our compasses in the current fog.

As my daughter told me a few years ago. Most kids don’t tell their parents anything because they either think they’ll overreact, or that they don’t care.

So here’s my thinking about Adolescence. The question isn’t should I get my kid to watch it, the real question is how do I give my kid a space where they can talk about what they’re seeing in their life, and know that they are truly loved for who they are. WE need to watch and think about what WE are allowing to take place in our homes, schools, streets and online. Our kids have no power over this world they have been launched into. We’re the adults. We need to get adulting; and fast. Our kids might be experiecing the things that are portrayed in Adolescence, My questions will help you to flush out whether they are being exposed to the Manosphere, in which case you might decide to allow them to watch it. If they are, they will already know how awful it is and our real role is to help them stepping up and at the very least unpacking it. If they aren’t experiencing it we should still talk to them about the issues that are out there so they are ready for the world they are going to inherit.

Below, I share a number of themes that are raised in the series, and some questions we can ask to prompt discussion and to help flush out what our kids are seeing and thinking.

Before the questions, if your kid is genuinely old enough to watch the series I would love to recommend something else too that is truly uplifting, and shows us what can happen when at-risk kids who come from deeply probematic backgrounds feel seen and believed in. The film, The Freedom Writers Diary, is a biographical story based on the 1999 book of the same name by teacher Erin Gruwell. It stars Hillary Swank and Patrick Dempsy (whom my daughter adores). The story is based on Gruwell’s experience of teaching at Woodrow Wilson Classical High School and uses the real diary entries written by kids in her English class.

At its heart is the story of kids who face real, devastating hardship every day. Kids who have only known an environment in which guns are prevalent. Kids who have to navigate gang culture, where academics are that last of their worries. When Gruwell arrives at the school she finds that nobody believes in them or that they could possibly achieve anything.

We watched it with two 18 year olds and a 16 year old, and the impact was incredible. What they realised is that, regardless of the child or the hardship, the universal need is to feel seen and heard; respected and valued. It’s the same thing the kids in Adolescence were craving. When they push us away we need to try again, and keep trying. Because we’re the adults, and deep down they desperately care what we think.

Top tips for discussions:

• Stay calm and stop if you feel you are about to overreact.

• Remain curious, and non-judgemental, no matter what.

• Aim to offer a safe, real world space for our kids to feel deeply connected to adults who genuinely love them for who they are; not what they can or can’t achieve.

QUESTIONS:

KEY THEMES YOU CAN DISCUSS WITH YOUR KIDS

NUDES/SEXTING: Is there a ‘nudes’ culture in your school? Do people talk about nudes or send them? What do you think about that?

PRIVACY: How much privacy should kids have when it comes to their devices? Does that change with age? Why? What do you think might concern a parent? How much privacy do you want? What’s the best way for me to help you to make good decisions online? How much support would you like with controlling screen time?

MASCULINITY: Can you explain the whole Red Pill thing to me? Do boys in your school bring it up much? What do you think about it? What would you say to boys who say that masculinity is under attack or that feminism has gone too far? What do you think about it?

MALE FRIENDSHIPS: Why do you think boys like banter so much? I heard that by having little digs at each other is fun but it’s also like a vaccination against being shamed. How do boys know when it’s gone from banter to bullying?

GIRL FRIENDSHIPS: I’ve been hearing about girl friendship group structures. Do you know a queen bee (the cool girl)? What do people think of her? Does she have a sidekick? What kind of power does she have? Is it a good position to be in? Is it important to be in a group of girls or is it enough to have one friend? Is there much exclusion going on in your school?

BULLYING: How would you know if someone is bullying someone? Is it different online and offline? Why does it matter? What do you think is the effect on someone who is bullied, both short and long term? Why do you think people bully? What measures do you think adults should be taking to reduce bullying? Are there types of bullying that are more or less bad.

BLOG: What to think about before handing your child a phone: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/blog/mobile-phones-social-media-and-online-access-what-i-would-do-if-i-had-my-teens-or-tweens-again/

BOOK: When you lose it by Roxy and Gaye Longworth

EPISODES:

• Screen time: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/screen-time-for-tweens-and-teens-the-latest-on-what-works-and-what-doesnt/

• Andrew Tate and the manosphere: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/role-models-andrew-tate-misogyny-red-pills-and-the-manosphere/

• Sexting and nudes: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/parenting-tips-4-protecting-your-tweenteen-from-doing-something-illegal-with-their-phone-camera-aka-sexting-also-how-and-why-you-might-give-your-teen-an-allowance/

• Porn culture: episode https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/pornography-why-talking-to-your-teen-about-it-is-more-important-now-than-its-ever-been-and-great/

• Andrew Hampton interview: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/114-friendships-frenemies-and-boy-banter-parenting-our-teens-through-the-relationship-pitfalls/

• Masculinity vaccinations: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/98-boys-emotions-masculinity-vaccinations-and-online-influencers/

• Talking with boys: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/masculinity-and-positive-ways-of-supporting-our-teenage-boys-an-interview-with-mike-nicholson-from/

• Bigorexia and bodybuilding: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/feeding-your-teen-control-issues-and-bigorexia/

• Looksmaxxing: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/112-boys-looks-and-masculinity-on-social-media-the-hard-and-soft-of-looksmaxxing/

• Staying connected: (second part of this episode) https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/2-alcohol-how-to-discuss-it-and-staying-connected-should-we-be-letting-our-teenagers-drink-and-w/

• Male friendships and the masculine mask: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/boy-friendships-and-supporting-our-sons-in-forming-positive-friendships-also-what-the-we-sho-1/

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