Mistakes to avoid when creating rules and boundaries in your home

My parents weren’t perfect, in fact by modern standards there was a huge amount wrong with what they did, but I realise they had their own battles and I’m trying to course correct for my own family. I’m a glass half full woman, so I decided the fact that I didn’t like what happened to me meant I could start from scratch, read all of the experts, and just do what they advised instead. Easy, right?

Of course, it’s a stupidly naive view of how humans work. We can never start from scratch. We will always hold echoes of our own experiences in our minds and bodies. The best we can do is learn from the experts, and our friends, then adapt in our own homes. In other words, parenting’s more of a haggle than a science, and that’s true of setting consequences and boundaries.

I can’t tell you exactly what to do, but since you’re kind enough to read this I have some good news. Firstly, I’ve realised that when we focus on boundaries rather than rules this parenting lark becomes much easier. Secondly, I have developed some clear guidelines to help us out.

What doesn’t work

Allow me to escort you into my home when I was a teen because it’s the best example I can offer of what not to do. My father was pretty scary, with a few very strict rules. For example, he aggressively insisted my knife and fork must be held a certain way which, try as I might, I couldn’t quite perfect. When I got it wrong he’d shout, or slam the table, or march out yelling he wasn’t prepared to eat with a pig. What puzzled me most was that these rules weren’t consistently applied, either across mealtimes or across family members. It made me hyper-vigilant at first, then I simply withdrew from meals, then I became belligerent and left home.

RULE 1:

Ask yourself whether the thing is that important in the first place.

If my father had asked my opinion in a genuinely curious way I probably would have said, ‘I don’t want to annoy you, I’m genuinely trying because you’re scary. I can see that table manners matter, but I also can’t see why you’re making such a fuss over a knife and fork.’ We could then have had a discussion about how I might die if I couldn’t figure out this vital skill, or he might have realised he was being an absolute arse and taken time to reflect on what had happened to him in his life that made him think he should behave like that.

Interestingly, he was also a stickler for talking properly. He would constantly pick me on me for talking too fast, dropping my consonants, slurring my words… but said nothing to my sister. I hated it, but it made me tune into the way others spoke and has actually been the making of me as a broadcaster. If he were alive today I would tell him he was right to care about the way I spoke but I still hated the way he did it and there was no way we could have a good relationship as a result. If he had told me each time, ‘I’m only saying this because I really care about and love you deeply’, the message would have landed completely differently, but then it would have sounded like he didn’t care about and love my sister.

RULE 2: Be consistent

With all family members and preferably at all times. It either matters or it doesn’t.

RULE 3: Be clear

Calmly explain what is expected and why. If they can’t do it yet (frankly the knife and fork holding was nonsense, but hey) support them with loving guidance until they can.

RULE 4: Consequences should match the behaviour you want to change

Let’s humour my father for a moment and accept that the lack of cutlery skills were life-changingly important. Slamming the table and shouting won’t fix my inability to hold my cutlery correctly. I was genuinely trying. He could have offered me the use of a spoon until I’d had the chance to practice holding my knife and fork in a low stress setting and with loving guidance, (without him huffing and giving me the side-eye) then allowed me to try again when I felt more comfortable with the skill. Or he could have started with Rule 1 and this entire scenario could have been avoided.

RULE 5: Punishment and fear don’t work

Even if he’d smacked me, or sent me to my room, I wouldn’t have become better at holding my cutlery. The fear made my hypervigilent, but nobody wants to live like that. It eventually made me withdraw, then abandon my relationship with him. It’s given me a lifelong distrust of people who make me feel horrible; I tolerate it so far then snap and can’t get that relationship back, regardless of what happens afterwards.

And it’s not just me, research shows that punitive approaches tend to increase rebellious behaviour. They increase the chance your kid will chose negative coping strategies like alcohol, drug and other forms of mood suppressant. Teens become more likely to hide mistakes - sometimes getting themselves into worse trouble. It also increases the likelihood of them rejecting you completely in the future.

How about no rules?

Now that you can see the problem with his approach, I’m going to let you into a bit more of my home life. In the ways that genuinely mattered there were literally no rules. No bed time, no home time, no homework, pretty much no interest in me or what I was doing whatsoever. I came and went as I pleased. Most of the time they had no idea where I was or with whom. One of the neighbours branded me a guttersnipe. Inside I just felt lonely, unloved and unsafe.

I spoke recently with a forty year old woman who said her parents had no boundaries and it’s taken years of therapy to heal. Boundaries matter, they show we care, that our kids are loved, and it gives them safety and a shelter whilst they’re trying to figure themselves out. I dreamt of having parents who would call me in for supper, I would have loved to be told to go to bed rather than just spending the evening in my room staring out at the moon until the birds began singing. I lied to other kids through shame. I kept everyone at arm’s length, pretending my parents were extremely strict which was why they couldn’t come back to my house. Those who didn’t see the lie thought I was incredibly brave to stay out and have the ‘adventures’ I had.

In truth, had my parents told me to do my homework I would have pushed back, but I would also have felt like it genuinely mattered because they said it did. I’m not pretending that creating boundaries is easy, but I am saying that it’s vital.

Boundaries: Avoid Yelling Telling Blaming and Shaming’

I got the above YTBS line from eminent psychologist Dr David Yeager who has four kids and wrote the book 10-25, How to Motivate Young People. He’s great on this topic.

Our kids need a routine and structure which they can take into adulthood. The boundaries we put in place should only be there to reinforce good habits and to reduce the chance of them getting into danger; note I don’t say removing danger.

We then need to slowly remove the boundaries until they can operate well without them. If they stumble, we can have a conversation about why that happened and how we are putting the boundary back in place for a while until it looks like they’re able to manage without it.

In summary:

Our job is to figure out what the boundaries need to be and consistently apply them, whilst figuring out how to shift them from being our responsibility to being theirs.

Some examples: Bedtime, chores, curfew, media device access, homework, vaping etc

These are all things that will either create a baseline of good habits or keep them safe while they develop better judgement. Some kids need very little scaffolding; some take a long time to settle into a healthy routine. What I have discovered - through making this podcast and asking listeners - is that the households with the least friction all have consistent routines followed by everyone. Make of that what you will.

Natural Consequences:

A lot of the things our kids need to learn in life can be left to natural consequences. If they don’t turn up on time to things they’ll annoy people and miss out. If they don’t wash they’ll be rejected by their peers for smelling bad. If they don’t hand in/do their laundry then they won’t have clothes to wear. We need to stress less about the little details and allow them to stumble more while they’re young.

We can support natural consequences by helping our kids think about them.

‘You were teased for smelling. I’m so sorry to hear that. What happened?’

‘I got up too late to wash this morning and then I forgot my deodorant.’

‘So what’s your plan for next time?’

‘I guess I can shower in the evening and keep the deodorant in my bag.’

If a natural consequence happens more than once or twice and there appears to be no effort, or understanding of how to change for the better, then that might be the time to scaffold with more deliberate, collaborative problem-solving. It can also be a sign that there’s a much deeper problem that needs to be unpacked.

We can’t fix our kids but we can open up a space for them to talk through and see what’s happening, judgement free, then try to come up with their own solutions. This can be surprisingly hard for a tween or teen.

Let’s say she isn’t handing in homework on time and she’s twice missed deadlines. Make it easy for her to talk to you about it, by being genuinely curious. The homework was set by the teacher, not us. It’s their job to have a system of penalties in place. It’s our job to help our kids see the benefit of learning, and why consistent effort matters.

We can say

‘I notice..’ then ask ‘What’s the story?’ Listen carefully and with compassion to what they are saying. Show genuine curiosity about their choices and delve into the thinking behind them. We have to start by assuming they are competent because if we start by assuming they’re lazy, or incapable, we won’t ask the right questions or try to fully understand them.

• Are they struggling to organise their workload?

• Is the homework boring? What can they do about it?

• Do they have a problem with the teacher?

• Are there other things going on in their life that are impacting their interest in work?

Sometimes they genuinely haven’t connected the dots. When my daughter moved to senior school I noticed she wasn’t doing her homework. She insisted she didn’t have any. I looked into it and discovered some real issues that underpinned her reluctance to work.

Rather than penalise her or stand over her making her do it, I asked her what her hopes were for the future. After a general conversation it became clear that she thought she would go on to university after school. At that point I told her I would do everything I could to support her dreams, but that she was not on the trajectory of someone who would be going to university. She hadn’t fully connected the dots to the homework she wasn’t completing.

I explained that the homework wasn’t simply designed to keep her busy, it was there to develop her thinking and her skills so she would be capable of studying at university.

It was a very difficult, painful conversation with a lot of tears, but it was also very important to help her line up her goals with her own actions. We then had a platform on which we could discuss routine and how I could help her ensure she prioritised sitting down to complete her work. No punishment or ‘fixing’ was needed, just a mirror for her thoughts and scaffolding.

Once we’ve had this discussion the reminders are much easier because they become ‘Remember you said you wanted to…?’

In doing this they'll see that our focus is genuinely on them, their hopes and needs, and that we really care about what they think rather than simply getting them to toe the line. We are showing them that they matter, and that’s the root of connection.

This is what unconditional love looks like. It’s not giving in to whatever they say or want, but challenging them to think through the decisions they are making.

I always say to my kids ‘How awful for you to have a parent who loves you enough to say no and set boundaries.’ They get it… most of the time.

This is where another great mantra comes in:

Never work harder than your own child:

Have you ever stopped and realised that you’re worrying about a problem more than they are, or behaving like their concierge?

There are times when I’ve been guilty. Actually, a lot of times. When I notice myself doing it I’m usually trying to make up for the neglect I felt as a child. I have to remind myself that it’s also not healthy to do too much because our role is to help our kids develop into problem-solving, resilient, capable adults.

When we work harder than our child to ‘fix’ a situation we often miss the real issue and teach them nothing other than that it’s someone else’s problem. It certainly doesn’t encourage them to take owenership of it.

Creating Consequences

Sometimes natural consequences won’t do the trick. If they stay out too late they’ll miss the last bus home. That’s not a good natural consequence (trust me I’ve dealt with that one in my own youth and it ended with me in hospital covered in someone else’s blood). We need to create some consequences, some of which are connected to maintaining boundaries and some of them are to do with changing bad habits.

Consequences need to be based on a mutual understanding of the behaviour that is a problem and needs to change.

Once you have jointly established what’s going wrong you can help your kid think through how they’d like to change the situation. Again, it’s not your problem, it’s theirs and we want them to engage with this fact and their own desire to change because we are not going to be looking over their shoulder 24/7.

One of the best examples of this is vaping. I knew that there would come a time when my kids were offered a vape, so I started talking about the issue very early on. I wanted them to be primed, ready with what they thought, before being offered the option. One of them never succumbed, the other did.

When I found the vape the process began. I had already researched vaping and it was clear that you can’t simply ban your child. Trust me on this; it doesn’t work. They simply become really good at lying and sneaking.

I put the vape on the table in the kitchen and waited until she came in and noticed it. We then had a conversation about it which was along the lines of ‘Tell me about it. What do you get out of it? What are the pressures you experience at school and with your friends? How many people are vaping? How can I support you to make healthier choices?’

It concluded with ‘I know I can’t stop you from vaping if you decide you want to. I understand the pressures you’re under, but I love you and refuse to be complicit in something that’s genuinely harmful.’ I asked her whether she felt I was being harsh and she agreed it was fair. I dropped her allowance by £15. I didn’t shame or blame her but told her that she could be spending that money on so many more enjoyable things. When she could prove she was no longer vaping I would give her the money back. How she proved it was up to her.

It took about a year until I was absolutely convinced she was no longer doing it. She now admits she did it mainly to fit in with friends, and never really vaped much anyway. It doesn’t matter, all I care about is that she’s taking ownership of her own health.

Consequences checklist:

• Always start with unconditional love. ‘It’s because I love you that I care so much about this.’

• Ask questions. Find out how we got here in a genuine, non-judgemental way. Kids aren’t stupid. There’s a reason for what they are doing.

• Feedback on where they are and mutual agreement about where they need to be.

• Choose a consequence they care about. Don’t forget, you can also include positive consequences.

• Make the consequence short, and easy to earn back. I like the When/Then approach. When this happens then you can have this.

• Be clear about how they can earn back their privilege. ‘When you clean your bathroom that we agreed you would do, then you can play video games.’

• Remember that change takes a long time for all of us so be reasonable and notice the good things they do. Bad habits happen in the blink of an eye, but good habits take time to form.

If the stategy works let him know how impressed you are with their good strategising. We’re trying to give them a lifelong ability to see a problem and figure out a way to fix it. If it doesn’t, regroup. Reaffirm the goal you both agreed then try to tweak the strategy. That way it’s not them who’s failing, it’s the strategy.

Let the system be the bad guy

You’ve let them know that you care. You’ve set up routines and systems so they know the expectations. You’ve discussed why they matter and got buy-in from your teen. When they get things wrong and you need to step in you can then empathise with them and say ‘I know, it sucks, but those are the rules. Hopefully you can earn x back as soon as possible. I’m rooting for you.’

Now you’re not the bad guy. It’s the rules that are to blame.

If you’re reading this and thinking ‘My kid won’t even talk to me, they’re out of control.’ Then the fundamental issue isn’t their bad behaviour, it’s your relationship that needs repair. Stop trying to control and instead admit to them that something’s gone wrong and you want to change it. You genuinely want a good relationship and that starts with wanting to understand the world through their eyes.

If you’re struggling as either an adult or parent, be honest about it and get help. Nobody is perfect, and you probably have your own terrible demons to fight. My father was an alcoholic. If he’d admitted he had problems and sought help I would have been embarrassed, but I would have been much better able to cope if I knew it wasn’t my fault he was behaving in that way and trying to change.

One further point. Neurospicy kids are different. I know, I have one. Don’t be too hard on yourself or your child. Realise that building those good habits takes time, they may fight back harder or be harder to guide, but they need routine just as much as the rest of us. A lot of the executive function skills are very hard to develop and may never fully come into play with your child. Keep trying, keep scaffolding, but stop panicking and blaming yourself or them. Also, you may well be undiagnosed yourself, making it much harder to keep the routine and structure in place. Again, if this is you get help and stop beating yourself up.

One last point. We all do it, but stop judging other parents and try instead to think of how you can support them. I was talking with a friend last night who described a woman with three kids whose home is utter, filthy chaos and who screams at her kids with a potty mouth. In the past I would have tut tutted. Now I can see that this is a woman who has massive problems and needs help. Her kids have become feral as a result. Her husband needs support. She’s probably undiagnosed something or other.

I’m very, very interested in this topic so if you have any feedback, examples, better ideas or techniques I would love to hear from you. teenagersuntangled@gmail.com

One last thing. I get things wrong a lot of the time, but as Dr David Yeager pointed out, ‘There’s always the do-over’. We can always apologise and try again. Never be ashamed or worried about admitting you got something wrong. Our kids may roll their eyes but they secretly trust and love us more when we admit our own failings because it tells them they matter to us and we love them enough to try.