How to Spot Grooming: Warning Signs Every Parent Should Know

A practical guide for parents:

I scuffed the diamond-scattered pavement at the bus stop, shivering in a thin, borrowed coat and old school uniform, my socks rolled down the way cool kids wore them back where I came from. January in the UK is quite the blast when you’ve flown in from a South African summer, but I was more focused on the man who’d ambled over to say he’d lost his puppy and would I help him find it? I hesitated again.

“It was over there, it won’t take long.” He pointed behind the shelter to the only road I knew.

“Nah thanks, I’m catching the bus.” I scanned the passers-by, then peered down the road, willing my salvation to sweep through the grey murk. Both my gut and my brain were clear that this man’s story didn’t make sense, and there was no way I was going anywhere with him.

When I arrived at school I reported him immediately and they held an assembly warning kids about stranger danger. I suspect he targetted me because I was ten years old, alone, and looked vulnerable. My parents had never told me anything about strangers. The instinct I used is the one we get for free and it works brilliantly unless we keep telling our kids they have to be polite and do as they’re told for adults. Yes, I looked vulnerable but I wasn’t a ‘good girl’.

Months later the absolutely lovely headmaster suddenly disappeared. I was genuinely upset to hear he had gone because he had really seemed to understand my fears about starting at yet another school in a new country. He was kind and warm and articulate; the opposite of the man at the bus stop. I couldn’t understand how it had happened so quickly and everyone simply moved on. The subsequent newspaper articles painted a very different picture when he was imprisoned for paedophilia.

Most of us spend our lives worrying about the first man, and organising our kid’s lives around avoiding him, but he’s a genuine rarity and we have alarm bells for him. The second acts like carbon monoxide and requires a different system for detection. One of the worst things about him is that he relies on disarming the detection systems of the good adults around him.

Regardless of these experiences, I’m someone who believes most people have good intentions. I believe that social media distorts the world, making people appear more unkind and conniving than most are. The facts show that most people aren’t predators, but how do we spot the few who are, given that most who strike are known to us beforehand and statistically far less likely to be the weird stranger lurking at the bus stop.

I’ve already created one episode about groomers, but they seem to operate in so many different ways; growing online sextortion, the school coach who everyone says is favouring one girl but nobody says anything because they don’t want to accuse someone of something that seems unsavoury… there’s too much for us parents to take in. I like simplicity and this is where @annasonodalcsw comes in. I invited Anna on to my podcast because she helped me feel I finally have simple guidelines regarding predators that make sense and help me spot them.

As a clinician, and mother of five herself, Anna Sonoda knows that what we busy, tired, stressed, parents need is simple guidelines. Most importantly, she makes it clear that grooming isn’t a problem of “bad parents” or “bad areas”, it’s a skills gap. Clinicians know how these people operate, we parents don’t. Once we have the skills we can reduce risk without becoming hyper-controlling or terrified.

Confession: before I made this episode I would mix up grooming and predators, but Anna has explained it in a way that makes it simple. Predators are the people who prey, Grooming is their technique. These people have a deliberate aim in mind, it’s our job to spot it.

GAS: What predators need

Predators run on GAS – Grooming, Access, Space.

Ask yourself regularly:

• Grooming: Who is giving my child unusually intense, special attention?
• Access: Who can contact my child easily (in person or digitally)?
• Space: Where can they be alone – bedroom, bathroom, late-night online, car, side-room at activities?

Online “space” is just as real as physical space and arguably allows the stages of grooming to take place much more quickly.

What Is Grooming?

Grooming is a slow, deliberate process where an adult builds trust with a child (and often their caregivers) in order to exploit them.

Key points:

• It usually starts sweet and with friendship – kindness, attention, generosity.
• It can happen online or offline, and the patterns are very similar.
• Over 90% of the time, the person is known to the child or family.

Think of your gut feeling as a smoke alarm – useful for obvious danger. Grooming, however, is more like carbon monoxide: invisible, odourless, and gradual. You need a different “detector” – a way of evaluating behaviour, not just vibes.

The 4F Formula: How Groomers Operate

Groomers typically move through four overlapping stages:

1. Flattery
• Heavy compliments: “You’re so mature”, “You’re the best on the team”, “You’re gorgeous.”
• Likes, follows, and comments online to build quick closeness.
2. Favoritism
• “You’re my favourite.” Extra time, special roles, gifts, lifts in the car.
• The child feels chosen and indebted.
3. Forbidden Fruits
• Introducing rule-breaking: secret chats, alcohol, vaping, pornography, sexual jokes.
• Message: “It’s OK when you do this with me.” “Your parents don’t understand you, but I do. You’re special.'“
• This builds shame and secrecy, cutting the child off from parents and caregivers.
4. Fear
• Threats to share photos or messages, to tell parents/peers, or to hurt someone.
• This is where sextortion and ongoing abuse are maintained.

Devices and Social Media: Hard but Necessary Truths

• Smartphones and social media are adult tools. Most children don’t have the brain development to manage the risks.
• When you hand a child a smartphone, you’re handing them:
• A camera,
• The internet,
• A tracker,
• And a permanent record of their mistakes.

If you’re not prepared to discuss pornography, sextortion, grooming and privacy, your child is probably not ready for a smart device. This is exactly what I have always said.

Practical Tips to Reduce Grooming Risk

1. Set Clear Tech Boundaries

• Devices used only in public spaces (kitchen, living room), not bedrooms/bathrooms.
• Internet or devices off at a set time (especially before 11pm, when risk rises).
• Use available parental controls and require permission for any new app or game.
• Disable or strictly control DMs and open chat; only allow contact with people known in real life.

2. Build Connection, Rather Than Surveillance

• Aim for a home where a child can say: “I’ve messed up. I need help,” without immediate punishment.
• Use news stories or real cases to role play: “What would you do if… someone asked for a photo / wanted to move you to another app?”
• For less verbal kids, try shared journals, car chats, drawing, or gaming together.

3. Teach Kids the Grooming Pattern

Make it explicit:

• If someone online:
• DMs you out of nowhere,
• Wants to know your age, school, location,
• Gives you lots of compliments,
• Asks for photos or secrets,
• Tries to move you to an encrypted app (WhatsApp, Telegram, etc.),
• Tells you not to tell your parents…
  …that’s a red flag. They must pause and tell an adult. Make sure they understand you won’t punish them and you won’t take away their devices.

4. Reclaim Your Role as Leader

• You are the world expert on your child. Tech companies are not.
• It’s OK if your family’s rules are stricter than “everyone else’s.”
• Involve your child in decisions: look up games/apps on Common Sense Media, explain your reasoning, and still hold the boundary.

Final Thought

You don’t need to be an expert in technology to protect your child. You need:

• A basic understanding of how grooming works,
• Calm, consistent boundaries, and
• A relationship where your child trusts you more than they fear you.

That combination is more powerful than any monitoring app.