Big kids big problems: The magic of knowing the questions behind the problems, and how to help

‘Science is magic that works’.

I love this quote on the t-shirt worn by Professor Gregory Walton in his publicity shots. Gregory who? Good question. His name doesn’t spring readily to mind, but that’s partly because he’s one of the few people left who’s not on social media, and yet he’s been described by his peers as ‘one of psychology’s greatest architects of how to change behaviour for good’ and ‘one of the most important psychologists in a generation’. So, I believe his message deserves spreading far and wide.

So what kind of questions are we talking about?

• Do I belong?

• Am I enough?

• Can I do this?

• Who am I?

• Can I trust you?

• Am I loved?

As a parent I can see how useful it is to know these questions so that I can spot when they might come up. If we suspect they’re being asked we can help our kids to ‘surface’ the problem, normalise it by letting them know that EVERYONE asks these questions, and strategise a way forward that feels supportive, rather than ‘My kid’s broken. All is lost.’

The terrific thing to know, as a result of extensive research, is that when these questions are answered in a positive way they can begin an upward spiral which keeps on going. Kids who start university worrying about whether they belong or are up to the challenge, who have the question acknowledged and supported, have been shown to dramatically outperform those for whom the question wasn’t addressed.

How to spot the questions: One way we can spot these questions is knowing that they come up at key points in life, which Greg calls TIC’s

• Transitions - going through life changes

• Identity - when our identity is under question

• Challenges - when we’re faced with a big challenge

As a parent reading that list it becomes immediately obvious how often teenagers might end up in the TIC zone, but have little to no understanding of why and how to strategize a way forward.

Of course, we can end up asking these questions at any point in life; there are even times in an adult, loving relationship when they can crop up. For example:

‘He didn’t take the bins out,’ can trigger the question ‘Am I loved?’ This is a great example of what Greg calls a TiFBiT. A tiny fact with a big theory attatched to it.

Tiny Fact: My husband didn’t take the bins out

Big Theory: My husband is showing that he doesn’t love or respect me. Our marriage is doomed. We’re heading for divorce.

To be clear, this tends to be the response of someone who is already feeling insecure, and that is true of the other TIC’s. Some kids manage to navigate them relatively easily whilst others might stumble from one to the next. Kids from disadvantaged backgrounds are particularly at risk.

From everything I’ve learned in creating the Teenagers Untangled podcast, giving our kids a secure base where they feel loved and valued for who they are is one of the most critically important things we parents can do to protect them. It doesnt stop the questions, those are a given, but it does reduce the chances of those questions prompting a downward spiral.

So how do we fill them with self-esteem? In my interview with Greg he gave brilliant guidance. He warns against giving praise like ‘You’re the best’. For kids who’re insecure this can just make them feel they can’t live up to your expecations; triggering worse self-esteem. For those who already feel secure it can pave the way to a degree of narcisism.

Instead, he explains the three step process to genuinely improving self-esteem:

1 - Unconditional regard: letting your kid know ‘I love you no matter what.’

2 - Realistic feedback. Explain where they are at the moment in a factual manner, and where/how they can improve.

3 - Faith: Tell them you fully believe they can reach those higher goals if they put in the work.

Of course, giving our kids high self-esteem is a long term project. So what do we do in the moment when a question is being surfaced? In each of the chapters of Ordinary Magic, Greg provides a reminder of his process: He calls them

The principles for thinking through difficulties:

1. Avoid negative labels (I'm not bad) The fact that I couldn’t do this maths question doesn’t mean I can’t do maths.

2. You're not the only one; you're never the only one. (It's normal) We’re all struggling with these questions at some point. There are always others like you.

3. Recognise causes that don't malign you or others (I/you face real obstacles) This is realistically very hard, it’s not that I’m broken.

4. Forecast improvement (It can get better) I did this with my young teen when she was struggling at the start of high school. I said, ‘All I know is that things change and it won’t always be like this. I promise.’

5. Recognise opportunities (Silver lining) Look for ways in which they can find a path foreward.

This role can, and should, be played by mentors, teachers, parents or anyone who is able to support others. One way in which I have tried to engage my kids with recognising the questions and helping themselves is to turn them into potential mentors. Young people are very pro-social. If our kids know that others might be struggling, and know that they can help them with relatively little effort, it can help to solidify the principles in their own minds and help them to advocate for themselves. If they can spot others asking whether they belong, or worrying about whether they can manage the academic/sporting challenge, and reassuring the younger kids that they too had that worry, they will feel more valued as part of a magnificent upward-spiraling community.

What do you think? Have you seen any of these questions crop up without realising how normal they are, and how to deal with them? I know I have.

If you’d like to listen to the full interview you can find it here:

My interview with Gregory Walton

Followed by my chat with Susie about how we can best support teens going heading on to University:

Support for teens going to University

This is just a short summary of the incredible wise interventions that Greg details in his book Ordinary Magic. I highly recommend it; you’ll be dipping into it for the rest of your life. As another of my interviewees, David Yeager, said to me ‘Greg is the best … I owe so much of my career to him … he’s the BEST mentor and collaborator … and I love his research too!’

Gregory Walton - Professor of Psychology at Stanford University. Co-director of the Dweck-Walton Institute. His research investigates psychological processes that contribute to major social problems and how “wise” psychological interventions that target these processes can address such problems and help people flourish, even over long periods of time. He has conducted a great deal of research with Carol Dweck, who's known for her groundbreaking studies on growth mindsets and intelligence. She describes his book Ordinary Magic as life changing.