Transcript
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Hello and welcome to teenagers untangled the audio hub for parents going through the teenage years. I'm Rachel Richards, journalist, parenting coach, mother of two teenagers and two bonus daughters.
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Hi there. I'm Susie Asli, mindfulness coach, mindful therapist, musician and mother of three teenagers to think
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he needs to see some people when they start their podcasts. They have that pre recorded. Oh, but I like to warm up. I don't think I could just go straight in, could you?
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Every time we do it, I have to kind of remember why I do again.
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So I think it's good. Yes, I think it's good to get our brains wearing anyway, today is going to be a chat.
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Yep. Which we've done in the past. And it's to kind of mop up ideas that we've been having, or that we've been seeing.
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Hopefully, you'll like it. If you don't like it, that's fine.
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And also, if you are only interested in specific things, I will have chapters so you can just switch through to the next
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smart that's or you can just switch it off, switch
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it off, just go and do something more interesting. So let's just do our reviews because we have some Yes. Short reviews
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from Kathy, thank you so much, Kathy. It says thank you so much. I started listening to your podcasts last year. Now I'm going back to the beginning to all the episodes I missed. Your ideas are really helping me be a better parent to our three teen boys. Thank you so much. Thank you, Katelyn.
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Do you know what I did? I messaged Kathy saying, hey, Kathy, do you have any other things you'd like me to talk about? About boys?
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Because I keep thinking let's do some more stuff on boy. Yeah, I quite fancied that. Anyway, I've got fantastic podcasts. This is from a grateful mum. Such helpful tips and ideas to help us support our teens. Thank you both. Wonderful, huge, short and sweet but meaningful and very, very kind. Thank you. Susie, let's start with your idea, which was let's talk about not taking things
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personally. Oh, yeah, that's a good one. Well, that was an IRS. I think I've just integrated it now. But it was my conscious mantra for a while. And it's not personal, it's well,
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we do have to, that's the thing you have to remind yourself to if you're going to switch your way of thinking, yeah, absolutely.
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And, you know, for many areas of my life, but if we're talking about teenagers, it's not personal. And of course it can be of course, there's a you know, massive grey area. But a lot of the stuff isn't personal. And it's just such a great reminder, when you know, when things are kicking off.
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It's usually not personal.
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There's so much stuff going on in a teenage brain hormones, all of that the world is supposed to revolve around them. That's what they're sorting through and what they're trying to work out. It's not because they are being super selfish, and don't like us, etc, etc, etc. It's just because there,
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but we're human beings. And it's very hard because I think when kids become teenagers, there is so much happening. And emotionally in terms of workloads in terms of social schedules, just and I think it can be so difficult for them to emotionally regulate themselves, and they'll lash out at the safe space, which is yes.
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So it's not personal, it applies to, you know, when they're lashing out, just like you've said, also when they prefer to be with their mates suddenly, no, they're meant to, that's the time that they're meant to be with their mates. And we so often find that difficult. And understandably, I've also been in that space.
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But we have to, you know, if we can then remember, it's not personal than it is really helpful.
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Yes. And my daughter's dating and she, her partner's in a completely different city. And often I won't see her at all at the weekends. And we've had that conversation. And and it's strange, because you get an adjustment, where you're normally your house feels like this. Now it feels something's missing. Yes. So it takes a little bit of adjustment. And she's she always says, you know, you know, it's not because I don't want to. Yeah, and that's okay. She doesn't need to say that to me. But we do have to remind ourselves that it's that they are seeking out a path in the world. Yeah. And it's interesting, because it's funny that you raised that because my husband is in business. He's an investor. And I was in business originally. And I ended up in business journalism, I love I find business fascinating. I love it. And he's been working he what he does is he invests in companies, and then spends all his time nurturing the people who are there by being on the board and just working with them to help like a dragon. And he's been working with one guy for years, and he was having to have a discussion today about it's a package and it's him, him giving this guy more money, and my daughter was asking him about it and said, so you know, how you feeling about the negotiation?
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And he said, Oh, fine, and my daughter won't have it won't feel hard. And he said, Look, this guy will negotiate. If he's in a corner with five lions on him. You know, he is that's how he's built. And that's why I like him because he's Good for that particular role. So I go into a negotiation expecting a hard negotiation. And it's not personal. No. So I'm fine. I absolutely don't mind at all, I prepare myself. And I love that because I think that's where it comes into just our worldview.
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Yeah, that we have to, you know, when when making those really difficult calls, where we're having to call people, or discuss things that we find uncomfortable. A lot of the time they're not personally not we feel emotional about it.
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And if we can build up that awareness, which is what it is always, awareness on Oh, look, I'm having that feeling.
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Again, like it's personal.
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Remember, it's not. So we you know, we build up that awareness so that when it comes, which it will, it comes and goes, like most things? Oh, here it comes again. It's not personal. Okay.
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We're alright,
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I can do this.
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Hi, I'd like to talk about something that's been happening with my daughter she was she decided to help her friend who had committed to doing 100,000 steps to raise money for a school in Malawi. Gosh, that sounds amazing. It is amazing thing to do. Because we were talking about do hard things about teenagers stretching themselves. And so what she was going to do is walk around London now 100,000 steps is really a long way. Yeah, that sounds like a real Yeah. And so they set out early in the morning. And it got to really quite late in the evening when I was going to bed. And I messaged my daughter and said how like, how are you? And she had sent me a couple of mess screenshots during the day of how much they've walked. And she was still at 63,000 steps, which is a really long way. But there's still a really long way to go.
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And I just said, but are you okay? She said, Well, my hamstrings really hurting now.
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And you know, it wasn't that comfortable. And I wanted to give her an out because I thought don't blow yourself up.
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She She races I said, I don't you know, don't destroy your body for this. It's not really your it's not your deal. I mean, this is this girl has committed to this. And I'm so impressed that you're supporting her. But Your name isn't even you know that people aren't putting money in to support you. Although we did a few of my friends did. And we went to sleep. And then the next morning, we discovered she had finished it. She was hobbling. We're you know, she coming home, she couldn't walk.
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But I just thought, gosh, that's really interesting. And she said to me, mommy, I know that I'm at a stage now where I can be happy no matter what. Because I've learned how to deal with difficult things, how to get through pain, not not that getting through pain is a good thing. But it's not, you know, it's not life threatening pain, and that I can enjoy myself no matter what. And I thought wow, what an amazing thing to be able to do. And the reason I'm talking about this is I want to help parents who are starting out of this teenage journey because it can feel very fraught, and unstable and scary, like the wheels are about to fall off. And I say that from experience because this same child as a tween, suddenly fell apart, like really properly devastatingly lost it and I just didn't understand what was going on. It turned out she had ruminative OCD, and that there were no therapists available at the time. So I bought a book on Amazon and we worked through it and this amazing girl, learn how to manage it as an incredible couple of years later, we hit another wall where she started feeling actual physical symptoms of anxiety every time she had to talk in public to the extent that her throat would close up her palms with sweat, she'd shake. Yeah. And she said I just I We tried everything, all the kind of mindfulness and breathing and, and I have talked about it before but she We eventually found that putting her on a course for a week, which is really not expensive course. And it's incredible.
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It's got bursaries, learning to debate, completely transformed things. And she's now representing her school at national level in debating competitions. And my point is that this staff was not easily won. It was really hard. She's had these bumps in the road, but that's not unusual. I think a lot of our kids will go through really difficult stages. If they don't, it's going to happen later. We are all going to really struggle at some point.
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And it's
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such an important point you make really crucial because we do have this kind of idea most of us adults as well, that you know life is supposed to be straight road plain sailing, and that we kind of almost owed a problem free lives. And that you know when the stuff goes wrong when the when the Shi T hits the fan, which it will, it feels super unfair, like we imagine that everyone else has got this straight, plain sailing road and that week got this problem, and it's so unfair, and we use huge amounts of energy trying to get rid of the problems and go back to this, what we feel is owed problem free life. And if we can change that thinking, of like, no stuff happens to all of us, it's supposed to, it's just life. And you know, some of us are luckier than others. Some people have real, you know, really difficult stuff chucked at them, and some of them have minor, but nobody goes through life without anything, it just doesn't happen. So if we can teach our kids that that is a part of life, not something that we try and eradicate panicking when it arrives, and give them the tools to expect it, and then to manage like you're talking about resiliency, then it's a really different way of approaching it. And most of us adults find that really difficult. And we find it doubly difficult when we see our kids struggling really Yeah. when stuff happens to our kids.
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That's like double whammy our yuck horrible. That's unfair, that's get rid of it. And the sentiment is completely natural and normal. Of course, we don't want to see our kids suffering.
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Of course, that'd be weird if we did. And of course, we don't want to have difficulty in our life. But we will. And
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it takes so much energy, it's scary, isn't it to accept
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that, okay, this has happened, and then how can we deal with it, rather than resisting that it's even happened, it's a very different way to approach it in a much more sort of wholesome. And also we know at the other end, I know, for myself, and for many of my colleagues, friends, and also my kids, the stuff that is difficult, is the stuff like you said with your daughter is the stuff we learn from, like the hardest things I've been through in my life, I wouldn't be who I am today. Without them, you know, I'm actually really grateful now. So if we can already introduce this idea that stuff will happen. It's not if it's, it will, and you're not not pre empting. An inviting trouble, like that would also be weird. But you know, it's an expectation of it. And that's also taught to kids through mindfulness in schools, it's part of the course, it's really important.
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And in a way of being able to be open with our kids that you've had challenges in the past, and that you had to confront them and that you dealt with them and you come out the other end. And it does make you a bigger, stronger person, and it will pass. And it's really interesting. Because, objectively, if you looked at her, you think she had a gilded life. Yes, she's beautiful.
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She's incredibly accomplished.
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And other kids looking at her.
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So the kids who are just starting school looking at her was go, Oh, she's so lucky.
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She's amazing. She's so good at this. And they don't see all the things she's had to go through to get where she is. And hopefully none of them will suffer those things. But it happens.
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That's a really important point and one worth making for our kids, isn't it?
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Nobody, nobody doesn't have stuff? No. And even the ones that look like they don't, you know, it's it's the swimming legs under the
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water. Yes. And I think very much a particularly those really early years sort of 12 1314 they feel very, very vulnerable when they start school, and they're all put on a face. And the ones who are looking around them thinking, wow, everybody's got this sorted. We need to say to them, they haven't, don't worry that all as scared as you are.
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They're just not showing it. And it's normal. It's normal. It's normal. And it's really tough to your daughter.
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She's amazing. She's just you know,
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she's she's dealt with it. And hopefully it will stand you in good stead and is coming back to my husband with his business. It's fascinating because this particular guy who he's been working with, will negotiate his way in a corner. He really believes in his business. And he's gone through years and years of working ridiculous hours, every day of the week in the weekends, putting all his money into it. And many times it looked like the business was going to fail. But he believed in it. So he kept going, going back going back. And it's now taking off and taking off big time. And what's fascinating is, you know, the people who will see hopefully he will be rewarded for what he's put in.
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But people will see him making good money. Yeah. And they'll think, oh, it's not fake overnight success, overnight success. Yeah. And they will not see the incredible work that he's put into it. So I just I just call out for, for for resilience and just working. If you believe in something and you want something, it's about you.
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It's never that easy. As Usain Bolt said, What does he say? He said, We had to have our city run with it. I won't say it because I can't remember the exact number pretty fast. Yeah, it's nice. He said, I work six years to run nine seconds. And he said, and then people give up after two months when they can't get something that's so true, isn't it? So yeah, we have to keep that in mind. Coming back to the kind of conscious incompetence Yeah, that's a big that's a long time isn't it? As a musician,
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I remember music college you know, there are people you know people arrive and musicians that you know, they They arrive in their profession at different levels.
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And it's not all you know, some people have been to music schools since the age of whatever. And you know, they so they start, you know, they seem more accomplished earlier, or through career, the career as well. And I'm sure you can apply it to all sorts of careers. But I remember thinking and talking to a teacher as well, like, everybody who has who does really well as a musician, at some points in their career in their journey, they have practised their butts off, yes, like, at some point. They may look like they're kind of maybe easing off right now and you think are so unfair, they can just do it. But at some point to get to the top, I mean, not everybody, but you know, at some point they have, you know, they've put their shift in, it's
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talked about in the book by Matthew side, bounce that, you know, all these stats, or they're all in there. And I remember my daughter coming home from school when she was a junior school, and she was playing the piano. And the girl that she'd become best friends with, was South Korean. And she came home crying one day, and she said, Mommy, it's really not fair, because she practices as much as I do 10 minutes a day, and she's amazing. And I said to her, wait a second, sorry, Where is she from? And she said, Because I said, that doesn't sound like an English name. And she said she South Korean. And I said, Yeah, make that an hour a day that she is not practising 10 minutes a day. And it was true. And maybe
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she started when she was four.
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So yes, I can't get there without the practice.
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No. Now moving on. I was with some girlfriends. So they're the mothers of one of my daughter's friends. And so all the daughters wanted to get together. And one of the mothers said, Hey, why don't we just all do this as a Girls Night In? Oh, no, we all stay together. It was lovely red snapper and chatted, and this gorgeous, gorgeous mom, who is she just radiates kindness and love and sight.
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They go, Oh, my daughter seems to be developing into a relationship. And I don't know, I don't know, what am I? What am I doing? You know, the boy comes down to my house. What do I say to him? How does How do I get? I don't know what I'm doing is happening too quickly. And I asked my daughter about it. And she said it's not that quick.
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But it's it feels quite? It is yeah. Well, that's it because we're not there every moment of the day. We don't see how, how slow burn some of these things are. But it feels really great.
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Doesn't it? Can you've been through this with your son?
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Yeah,
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he had a relationship when he was in school. He's now at Union has a has a girlfriend a different one. Now, which is they spend a lot of time together. But you know, he's at Union now. So that's, you know, it's different. It's different. It's
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different.
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Because I guess I think the thing is, because I've been thinking about this, it's that it's different from them bring home one of their friends, because there's an emotional line between the two of them, that's much more intense. And for you, as a parent, I remember reading this thing where it says that when you have a child, a bit of your heart is taken out and put and wanders around the world without you. And it's hard, but you feel very vulnerable. And I think it's that is that you look at them and you sort of feel like oh, hang on a second. I can't. It's it's kind of accentuates that sense that they're away, but also that they're vulnerable.
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Yeah. And we feel vulnerable. We do. And I think it changes the family dynamic. We have talked about sex, and we have we had we just listened to that episode.
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Let's not go into all of that.
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But we did talk about it in detail. I'll put the link in the podcast because Episode Three
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is early. Yeah, the flip side of all of it, though, isn't is that, you know, what's the alternative, like just be that they never have or will know the alternative of, of them coming home with a partner. And we don't really have much control over any of it. But we think and maybe that's what it is. You have no control that you have this suddenly confronted by this idea of, of you know, your your child is in emotionally invested in somebody and and what do you then do well, just be normal,
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just be normal, just like, Hi, how's it going?
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Right?
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Because if you're not, they probably hang out somewhere else. And you won't have anything to do. And you know, just get on board. Yes.
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I mean, what was funny was the mother mentioned this boy's name. Yeah.
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At Well, we were talking together and she was in a different discussion, but she blanched and she turned her mind. Why do you keep bringing his name? That's the thing for her so so that all is that the whole point is I think we need to try to relate to how they might be feeling because our brains are really good at editing the bad stuff in our lives because you know, who wants to dwell on that? And actually, I think we often forget how incredibly raw it feels, and exciting and fearing fearful,
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but it is it is there is The daughter stressing about it? Or was it just the mum? Because
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I don't think the daughter is stressing, I think the daughter doesn't know.
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She doesn't know where she's at.
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Yeah, it's not a proper relationship yet, but it's just an app. But I think it's very raw, you know, when you're when you're falling in love, or you're having even butterflies about somebody you feel so exposed,
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you don't want your parents going, Oh, they want you just to go. All right. So you
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don't want them to ever talk about it. You want it to be normal, because you feel so abnormal, because you feel like everything every look, is is intense, every touch anything. Anytime someone mentions their name your heightened, right, and
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you maybe you do want to talk about it. Like, I know, for my for my eldest, I think it was really important to him. I will I know, it was really important to him that, you know, we met his new girlfriend, and also then afterwards, you know, did we like, it's really important, but we tried to be as cool as possible. I don't know how well that went? Yes, yes. And get on board and just, you know, well be welcoming as possible.
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And we need to be the brains of the operation.
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They're not able it because it's a big thing. There'll be emotional about it. So we need to just be calm. Yeah. And be able to process it like an intelligent adult that we are.
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And then
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they can only focus on how they're feeling rather than setting us off. Yes,
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and or have to having to cope with our emotions. Because that's just too like, that's way too much.
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If they feel like suddenly they've got your emotions as well as all the things they're feeling, they're just going to push you away, not their problem. Not a good thing is that, and it's it's really interesting one because I'm going to talk about same sex relationships, because one of my children is in one. Yeah. And I hadn't ever thought about it, because it just never really wasn't something that we've discussed. I've got a lot of same sex friends, friends who are in same sex relationships, and ever since university, I've hung out with a lot of people from the homosexual community.
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And it doesn't really bother me at all. It's not something that's ever been an issue for me. And when she started to develop feelings for this girl, I thought, oh, I can see they were communicating all the time.
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And I was like, Oh, is there something going on? And yeah, and she was like, I don't know.
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I don't know. And it was me who said, you know, are you suffering internalised homophobia here? Is it because it looks like you're in a relationship, but you're not.
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And it was so funny, because it helped her just go. Oh, yeah, actually, maybe I am. But when you think not that I'm trying to encourage her to go in any direction. I'm just, you know, wanting to give you words to how she feels. And and I'm, I'm very comfortable and relaxed about it. Because what I realised that I hadn't thought about hadn't thought about relationships before this, if I'm honest.
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Because you always think you have more time. Yeah, there's no one no one. Suddenly there's someone. Yeah, they met them.
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Yeah. And two minutes later, they're suddenly calling you saying I've just met somebody, I think what's the most important thing is the quality of the relationship, the kindness, the she this relationship, so beautiful. It's so loving and kind, and they write things to each other that I just I think, why can't my husband won't be there. So it's actually I think that to me, is what then clicked where I thought that's what we need to focus on. Not anything else. Now. Is that are the rich, the company, the right family?
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Do they? Is it a boy? Is it about none of that? What is the quality of the relationship?
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And that comes down to how they feel about themselves doesn't know what are they attracting? Because if if they're with somebody who's treating them really badly, and they're, they're seemingly okay with that, then then that's, that's very worrying. Yeah. Then they need to be you know, then there's something wrong with how they see themselves. And it's not really about the relationship then is it? It's how, how they're communicating.
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That's all of it. Yeah, all of it, and welcoming them into the home, you know, whether some, of course, we're going to click More with some than others. But you know, just being cool, being nice, so that they can make their own choices and decisions and
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remembering that they probably feel really uncomfortable. This is your turf. They're having to come into your turf. Just be welcome.
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Yes. If you like them to say, Oh, I really liked them. Don't be too effusive. Don't go, Oh my God, that would be the most amazing done and I go I want him to do if you start if you start really, really taking to them, I've had that where I've been talking to someone and she said my child was dating somebody and then the mother was a bit over the top and it made me feel really uncomfortable. And because because these relationships come and go, and then if you were too overboard about it, and suddenly the they've split up
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now where are you with and they just weren't in your home?
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They weren't.
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Exactly and if you don't like them, keep it to yourself totally 100% by Then listen to the one we did on if you don't like your teens friends, or if your kids don't have your kitchen yet, and the I think one of the reasons it can feel awkward is it's you suddenly are confronted with what are my values? I think that it comes back to that. And I think it's much easier if we think about our values before, we're confronted with a situation like that, rather than when we're suddenly confronted, because then you've suddenly got to say, Oh, are they allowed to sleep in the same bed together? Are they you know, what contraception?
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Have I discussed contraception with them? You know, what age am I allowing this to happen? You know, you have to start thinking about all those things suddenly.
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And if you haven't, that's, that's also fixable, you can just say,
00:25:45.420 --> 00:26:10.230
Well, you just have to listen to all the podcast bits that were about that. Because its values really are important. Because I kept thinking, How do I know what my values are? And I think often we find our values when we bump up against is that we disagree with that. 100%? Yes. So when I feel a bit uncomfortable, it's usually because and then I can explore it and think, Is this prejudice? Or is this a value that I've discovered here?
00:26:10.259 --> 00:26:12.119
Because those are very different spaces? Yes.
00:26:12.150 --> 00:26:27.089
Yeah. And if there's stuff that you know, the partner is, is doing or not doing that we don't like that does bump up against our values? We can mirror that that, can't we? We can say, well, I've noticed that, you know, how do you? How do you feel about that? But we don't really have any control anymore.
00:26:27.089 --> 00:26:30.839
Now, like, and the more we try and have control, the less we will have?
00:26:31.079 --> 00:26:40.680
Yeah, I think that's absolutely right. Because they will, they will challenge if you try and set a hard boundary, you're just going to get them bumped against it harder. So
00:26:40.680 --> 00:26:46.589
saying, I've noticed that so and so does this, you know, that seems strange to me.
00:26:43.140 --> 00:26:54.359
Yeah. How do you feel about is is then opening for? I've seen them do that. You'll never see them again? Bang? That's not gonna happen. No, no, I
00:26:54.359 --> 00:27:10.680
love that, that that opens them up to thinking about it. You say it feels odd to me? No, how does it How does it feel to you so that then they can reach into their value vault and think actually, that's always something I disagreed with you over. And it's suddenly consolidated that all they'll go, oh, actually, you
00:27:10.680 --> 00:27:19.619
can pick your words really carefully. I'm surprised it surprises me rather than even have any, you know, value judgments and absolute surprise to me, how do you feel about it?
00:27:20.309 --> 00:27:23.099
What what does it feel like for you? And just see what they say?
00:27:23.190 --> 00:27:39.089
Yes. And what's also interesting is, my daughter noticed that because she was having a same sex relationship, there were certain people in the family who when they'd see her, if it had been a boy, they will said, Oh, how is he? Because we've had other boyfriends.
00:27:37.170 --> 00:28:14.910
We've had lots of boyfriends coming around. I've got four girls. So we've circulated boyfriends. And they're always, oh, he's nice as new and asking about him, what does he do? And she said, I mentioned my partner, and people just went dead. And I went, Yeah, she's old. She's struggling with it don't Yeah, it's fine. Because the thing is things, you know, who knows how things will turn out? I'm not going to worry about any of it. And you've got to trust your team, you've got to know that you brought them up with values, and that somehow, they will hopefully come out.
00:28:15.119 --> 00:28:19.380
Yeah, and that you've got their back. Yes, can be there when it doesn't. Yes.
00:28:19.529 --> 00:29:05.160
And quickly, before we go, I wanted to mention the concept of being able to change our minds when we get new facts. And the reason I want to mention this is couple of things. But also, I remember my daughter once saying to me, Mommy, you know, the I feel like I've been boxed in by some of my friends, like they think I'm this. And I don't think I'm that, but I don't know how to sort of break it to them. And I said, this is when she was much younger. And I said, but you're a teenager, you're allowed to change, we evolve, we constantly change. And it's very, never more so than when you're a teenager, you're suddenly trying out different identities. You if someone challenges you and makes you feel like you should be x and that you're not living up to what they hope to be you just say, stop. I'm a teenager. Yeah.
00:29:05.160 --> 00:29:07.289
And that's just their own discomfort, isn't it?
00:29:08.160 --> 00:29:24.990
And I think the best way of doing that is to model it, you know, being flexible with your opinions, and then somebody that you they observe you either with them or with somebody else coming with new information, and you'd go you know, you're gracious and go, Oh, wow, I didn't know that. Oh, wow. Now I think differently about that.
00:29:22.589 --> 00:29:33.059
That's really interesting. Thank you for bringing that to my attention. You know, I've done that numerous times with my kids go, wow, I was wrong. Gosh, that's really interesting. You model it and they go, Oh, I can do that to you
00:29:33.059 --> 00:29:59.549
make it safe. I love that as obviously not authentic. Know. Exactly, exactly. But this came up because I was watching a piece about the Harvard economist Roland Fryer. Have you heard of him? He's a professor of economics. Yeah. And he had created this research where it basically was 104 pages academic paper with 150 page in appendix.
00:30:00.000 --> 00:30:20.880
And the research that he'd done was that he was looking into whether there was any racial bias in police shootings. And it came back saying no. And so he thought, that's not what I was expecting. And so he did it again, the entire thing, again, different people he was using to do the research, same result.
00:30:21.779 --> 00:31:29.250
And within four minutes of publishing, he got his first email saying this is full of shit doesn't make any sense. And he said, Wow, you managed to read it that quickly, because that's a really long academic paper. And some of his colleagues had said to him, don't publish it is going to ruin your career. And he said, if it actually said, there is racial bias, would you tell me to publish? And I went, Yeah, of course. And it's really, and I think is a really lovely one to bring up. Because the question is, when we're presented with information, some people really react badly is really challenging, really, it's very challenged, it's very hard for us. And the other one that I want to bring up was, Adam Grant, who's just off on social media had brought it up. And then I looked at the original study, and it was a study that looked into whether people are worse, whether people can pay as much attention now, as they did in 1990. And that caught my eye because I've read stolen focus by Johann Hari, there's lots of talk about our attention being just impossibly hijacked, yes.
00:31:29.309 --> 00:32:28.410
And that we just can't pay attention anymore. And you know, the whole tick tock thing where things scrolling and lower. And so in my head, we can't pay attention. This meta analysis of 179 studies in 32 countries, which were tests on concentration, between 1990 and 21, showed children didn't decline in their ability to concentrate. And that adults actually improved. That's so interesting. It's interesting. I wish I went back to the study, because I thought, because we all think, and my husband, I mentioned this to him, You said that's absolutely rubbish. You know, everything you look at says, you know, when you look at the the math syllabus, it's been stripped back right back, you know, people are studying at university stuff that I'm studying. And I said, Yes, but that doesn't prove that people can't concentrate. And what Adam Grant was saying was that actually, we have to look behind it and say, well, it's motivation is the motivation to concentrate this change, not that we can't concentrate.
00:32:28.500 --> 00:32:28.769
That's
00:32:28.769 --> 00:32:39.299
so interesting. I'm going to go and have a look at that. Because it's so interesting that we just by buying stuff that we feel feels it kind of fits, because we all maybe feel like that's my narrative. I agree with that.
00:32:39.509 --> 00:32:44.190
And then we just have more distractions. So it feels like we can't concentrate as layby.
00:32:44.220 --> 00:33:05.460
We lack purpose. Yeah. And when we lack purpose, we struggle to concentrate because we just we don't feel good about and then we beat ourselves up, and then we'd like, you know, then we scroll more. And actually, whereas donation monkey isn't Yes. And when I really I feel purpose about this podcast, I can sit for hours at a time doing the research for this, because I really care about it.
00:33:05.519 --> 00:33:08.730
And I love it. I love learning.
00:33:05.519 --> 00:33:15.059
But that's because I I really like it. I'm Yeah, I feel purposeful. I enjoy what I'm doing. So I can concentrate.
00:33:11.460 --> 00:33:17.670
Give me something else. It's really boring. There's no concentration at all.
00:33:17.700 --> 00:33:40.859
No, it's so that's so interesting for the kids as well. Because it's obviously kids and adults. And they have maybe because the whole you know, the workspace is changing, isn't it, they know that they can do different jobs, which is amazing. They're not going to be doing the same career for their whole lives less we thought we were or partly. So there's no the purpose idea has changed.
00:33:37.829 --> 00:33:40.859
And it doesn't matter so much.
00:33:40.859 --> 00:33:45.119
So because I can switch up and I'm not guessing that's good or bad. It's just different. And they're
00:33:45.119 --> 00:33:57.000
not motivated to keep going on. So I mean, I remember when I first started work, my manager a few months in pulled me in and you said so?
00:33:52.559 --> 00:34:01.140
Look around you who what, which what do you want to be? What?
00:33:57.029 --> 00:34:15.929
Out of the people here? And I looked around and thought I didn't want to be any of these jobs? Oh, no. Yeah, yeah. And actually, that's the turning point when you look up, because I've spoken to lots of people in senior management who say, we can't find people who want senior management jobs. Yeah.
00:34:12.840 --> 00:34:22.380
And you've got a problem. If people lower down are looking at you and going now I don't see that job. Not that they can't do it. No,
00:34:22.409 --> 00:34:33.568
such as not mentioning not to, I'm gonna have a look at that. That's super interesting, because that goes against everything we read, doesn't it? Which is interesting, which ties in with the other one you brought up, which was changing our minds.
00:34:33.599 --> 00:34:36.360
Exactly.
00:34:33.599 --> 00:35:03.030
Exactly. So good link, I think we need to think this way. So that's it. If you found this useful, please send it to at least one person or share it on social media and send us ideas for chats. Yeah, I do I look for I look for new stories all the time. There weren't that many news stories. I wanted to you know, there's things about mobile phones and stuff on that board that I've done a whole blog on that. We you know, if you see something you want us to talk about Then ask us if you hate the waffle tell us it's fine.
00:35:03.239 --> 00:35:04.170
We might do anyway.
00:35:05.608 --> 00:35:29.248
Because we like pressing people's buttons and other people press buttons, which is whatever we can all choose. We love reviews. We love hearing from you just we read everything. If you suggest an idea, we will cover it if we like it. Yeah. Yeah. It's something important. Not you know, what's the best ice cream?
00:35:25.708 --> 00:35:31.559
Oh, can we not do that one? That sounds quite fine. We might slip that into one of our podcasts.
00:35:31.739 --> 00:35:44.969
Anyway, you can find all of our old episodes on www.teenagersuntangled.com and also sign up for my newsletter, which is chock full of news.
00:35:39.778 --> 00:35:53.369
News about teenagers. And really so about podcasts. I've been listening to both hear a podcast I think it's really good. I will share it with you. Susie, you too. You have a newsletter.
00:35:53.699 --> 00:35:57.420
I do. I'm a bit sporadic at the moment. doing other stuff, but it
00:35:57.750 --> 00:36:08.010
seems he has a very, very long list of amazing things that she wants to do. And there's only one Suzy Yeah. So how can people reach you?
00:36:08.070 --> 00:36:18.239
You can find me My website is www dot a mindful hyphen life.co.uk and all my links to social media and all stuff I do is on there. So finally
00:36:18.239 --> 00:36:23.429
that brilliant don't forget to hit the Follow button so you don't miss a thing. And that's it from us big hug.
00:36:23.699 --> 00:36:24.329
Bye bye for now.
