June 10, 2025
146: How to Support Your Teen Starting University: Emotional + Practical Advice
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What do you think of this episode? Do you have any topics you'd like me to cover? Long term listener, Cathy, has asked us some very heartfelt and important questions about how to support her teen at university. It's an excellent topic for us to tackle since Susie currently has one at university, I have one about to go, and two who have already graduated, one of whom gave me some excellent tips. It's a topic that evokes mixed-emotions for everyone. Here's what Cathy wrote: Please 'discuss how ...
What do you think of this episode? Do you have any topics you'd like me to cover?
Long term listener, Cathy, has asked us some very heartfelt and important questions about how to support her teen at university. It's an excellent topic for us to tackle since Susie currently has one at university, I have one about to go, and two who have already graduated, one of whom gave me some excellent tips.
It's a topic that evokes mixed-emotions for everyone.
Here's what Cathy wrote:
Please 'discuss how best to support your teen as they go off to university and live away from home for the first time. How about if they don't like their roommate, or they have difficulty sharing a room, or they have problems adjusting academically and or socially to university and they want to come home? Any tips for success?'
We’ll be digging into those questions and more. We’ll look at the dropout rates to get an idea of what goes wrong.what challenges students face — from social pressure to mental health — and what you can do now to prepare your teen not just to survive university, but to thrive.
We'll also share practical tips — like life skills they should master before they go, what kind of support they need once they’re there, and how to let go without disappearing completely.
So, whether your teen is packing their bags this summer or just starting to explore their options, this episode will give you real tools to support them — and yourself — during one of the biggest transitions in family life.
SOURCES:
https://www.hepi.ac.uk/2024/04/25/why-a-fresh-approach-is-needed-for-university-drop-out-rates/
https://www.educations.com/higher-education-news/rising-dropout-rates-in-universities-worldwide-reasons-and-solutions
https://www.hepi.ac.uk/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/Dropouts-or-stopouts-or-comebackers-or-potential-completers-Non-continuation-of-students-in-the-UK.pdf
https://www.hepi.ac.uk/2024/04/25/why-a-fresh-approach-is-needed-for-university-drop-out-rates/
https://educationdata.org/about
https://nscresearchcenter.org/pdp-insights/ National Student Clearinghouse Research Center
Thank you so much for your support.
Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.
I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
My email is teenagersuntangled@gmail.com
My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact us:
www.teenagersuntangled.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/
Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/
Susie is available for a free 15 minute consultation, and has a great blog:
www.amindful-life.co.uk
WEBVTT
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Susie, hello and welcome to teenagers untangled the audio hug for parents going through the tween and teen years. I'm Rachel Richards, journalist, parenting coach, mother of two teenagers and two bonus daughters. Hi
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I'm Susie Asli, mindfulness coach, therapist and there.
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musician and mother of two teenagers and a 20 year
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old got it right this time. Well done. So now today, our regular listener Kathy, has asked us to discuss how best to support your teen as they go off to university and live away from home for the first time. How about if they don't like their roommate, or they have difficulty sharing a room, or they have problems adjusting academically and or socially to university and they want to come home? Any tips for success?
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Yeah, that's a big, that's a big, very important topic, because we very well once I've gone that's it. But it is not,
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it's not at all. She hasn't elaborated, but it sounds like she has one that's away, but maybe not well when she's saying whether they want to come home. So what we'll do, Susie has a son at university, which helps. I just thought what would be interesting is to look at it through the other end of the telescope. So look at the rates of kids who actually go then drop out to then think about what it can teach us about what we need to do to prepare our kids, because that it could be good that they drop out if it's not the right course for them, but actually just making sure that that doesn't even happen, it can be a good start. So good way around. Yes, like it. And also, we'll talk about the scientifically proven thing that we can do to help our kids. Oh, nugget. Do you have a good wise nugget for us? Susie, no, do you always have come
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on. It's not a wise one. It's just a Cher actually, a cringy share. So I had a birthday recently, a big one.
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And were you? Were you really?
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Yeah, yeah. Sorry, Big Five. Oh no, no, no. I didn't really tell anyone. I'm really cool with with getting older. That's
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so far in my rear view mirror I forgot.
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Anyway, congratulations. Thank you. So my kids and my partner, they were all very lovely, so I just wanted to hang out with them and and they, instigated by my partner, made a box of 50 things they'd love about me, and it was just the loveliest thing, and they presented it to me at dinner. Oh, my God, I was a mess, but it's was such a beautiful thing. And the reason I'm bringing it up here, rather than just to go, aren't my kids amazing and my partner amazing was that they they do really appreciate us, because they wrote stuff. And it wasn't just generic stuff. It was stuff that, you know, I could relate to. It was really beautiful, I won't say, because I probably embarrassed, but it was stuff they'd really thought about, and they really, you know, appreciated the difficult, actually, they, all of them were talked about, you know, the things that were difficult, and we'd done together, and I'd help them through, and things like that. So I just thought it was a really beautiful, moment that made me Blub and I keep reading the books. It's really, really lovely, very beautiful. And I'm
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sure there are a lot of listeners thinking, oh no, because, but I love your point, because the truth is that they may not say it, no, but often, if you are working hard, they eventually notice it. They eventually realize
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and I think actually, my daughter is really good. She makes beautiful presents always. And the boys are always like, Oh, can we go give you more presents before her? Because she often writes really beautiful things. That's just how she is not, you know, not all girls do that. It's not a sexist thing, but she likes expressing herself like that, whereas, for the boys messages, they would not have normally written stuff like that, and so they were really poignant.
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Really,
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wow, I love that. Well, thanks for sharing that. My nugget is to do with my daughter who right now is spending four days and nights at the house of a local family looking after their tween daughters while they go away.
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Oh, which is really interesting, because the there are parents around, so the grandparents are there, oh, nearby if needed. And she's been paid for this wise, yeah. But I just thought about it, and I thought, gosh, those parents are really smart now.
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They've used her to babysit before, yeah, and the girls really love her, because she's 17. And these girls are tweens.
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They one. One's not even that age yet. She's She's not even a tween yet. And for girls that age, it's really special to have an older girl around who sort of can mess around with them, but who's also old enough to really guide them and and give them and who's got values. So obviously you want to pick someone who's got decent values, but I hadn't actually thought about it when my kids were that age, and how valuable it would be to sort of draw someone like that into your network, who can then model what it is to be an older girl who's not a person on Tiktok that they're accessing, who's not on Instagram, who's not on social, it's somebody who's. Real person, yes, and for her, it's incredibly powerful, because she feels highly valued, and it gives her a sense of her own ability to give back to the community. And it just is such an interesting thing that I hadn't thought about before, and I think it's incredibly powerful. And perhaps if you're in that position where you've got really younger kids or tweens. It's worth looking around to see if they're people who can come and babysit or who are sort of you can draw into the fold, who can then provide something for them. Yeah,
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I love that guidance. I love that. It's a win. Win. Absolutely, 100% Absolutely, they're so smart.
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I'm so impressed. Yeah, I used to use younger babysitters, but not, not if I went away and the kids loved them, you pick them obviously, like you say, you don't just pick anyone. And some of them didn't work out, so we didn't ask them again, yeah, but, you know, it's brilliant.
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And they still remember them. I could still remember them exactly,
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and I think, but I think we tend to have babysitters when they're really young. And actually this this age, is the one where you think, oh, but, but they still need someone around. And actually that's a really smart thing, cos She's old enough where she can look after them. And they're in school most of the time, and then they're going to be there at the weekend. But it's different. Yeah. Well, great job as well. Great job. Good. Well done.
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Do you have a review? I do. I've got one here.
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Fresh perspective, dear Rachel and Susie. I rarely, possibly never, send an email like this, as I'm fairly new to podcasts, but I've been listening for the past four or five months, including older episodes, and it's been so helpful and insightful. Thank you so much for that.
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That's a doctor, and she's very, very busy, and I'm just incredibly impressed that she's even taken the time so grateful. This one is dear Rachel. I've just listened to your episode of teenagers, untangled number 139 on starting secondary school, featuring your two daughters. I had to stop unpacking my shopping when the episode finished to email you to tell you how wonderful it was. The work you do is so valuable, and I love it. It it is exactly as you describe. It, an audio hug, like listening to a wonderful and informed friend whose opinion is backed by research and thoughtful dissection of the evidence. Thank you for all the wonderful work you do. And your daughters are amazing people. I will tell them what's in lovely I have told them actually. And this is from Juliet. So Juliet, thank you. That was incredibly moving. Yeah, right. Now, let's talk about education going on to university. It's quite a big thing. You've got a son who's gone on Yes, and I thought what would be really interesting is to look at the perspective of the world, to try and get some sense of if kids are going to university, how many kids are actually staying there and enjoying their studies. And it's hard to get exact data, but I think dropouts give us some information, don't they? Yes, so and all the the data sources are in the link in the podcast notes in Australia, nearly 25% of domestic students who began their degrees in 2017 had dropped out by 2022 so that's a quarter, 25% Wow, 23.3% of full time undergraduates in the US leave without a degree. Gosh, for part time students, the retention rate is 44.5% so only that many people, so it's nearly 60, just under 60% who leave
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that that one actually doesn't surprise me.
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Yeah, I know lots of people who start and don't finish, yeah, and
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I think, but I think it's much harder for part time students. You have so many other things to juggle, and there'll be a reason they're part time, right? And, and this is around the world. There are issues with this. But here's a fascinating thing, the UK non continuation rates are really good, 6% Wow, only 6% tend to drop out. That's so low. It's so low in comparison. Gobsmacked.
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Yeah, and it's very interesting, because I have looked at a number of studies looking at this particular figure here, and they're trying to work out why they're so we have such a good situation here, better resourced and more selective UK universities such as Oxford and Cambridge Imperial College, specialist colleges, tiny dropout rates. And there are ones that are trying to get a widening participation of students have higher rates, okay, and the ones that have more online provisions. So there are, you know, is it is patchy.
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It's not but, on average, we're doing pretty well. And
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how are we defining drop out? Do they do that? Is it people who choose to leave or people who have been asked to leave? Because they can be hard of that
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people. So what they don't tend to put into these figures are the ones who turn up a week later. They're gone. They don't really, yeah, but they tend to count the ones.
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And it's a very good question, because always with data. It's, it's never perfect. So it's not perfect data, but this, generally, these figures are confirmed as being so, so it's, it's interesting, so that can give us some information too. So what's going on? It tends to be things like the age when joining makes a big difference. So the younger students. Enter. So the ones who come straight in before 20 they tend to stay in for longer. The students who are 21 through to 24 and 25 and older, about 50% drop out. So the people who actually spend their time looking at these figures say that they think that there are a few factors that are leading into this. One is the level of selectivity. So entry to UK universities has generally been more academically selective than in a lot of other countries, right? And for example, I read with this bit, which said in France, under half the students have historically finished their qualification.
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And a past French Minister for Education compared undergraduate life to organizing a shipwreck to see who can swim Okay, which is just awful,
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so what? Because it's not academically so,
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so they're allowing people to go in and then just letting them fail, which doesn't sound like a very good policy. I'm not trying to dig at these countries. I'm just saying actually, that doesn't sound like a very good way of actually dealing with this, because it can't be very nice to actually start, you know, Dream go up to university and then find that it's not for you for whatever reason. Again, in England, we have shorter lengths of degree courses to compare to quite a few other countries. So ours are three years. My daughter's is going to be four years. A lot of other countries, they're that long and far. Yes.
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So that means that means that there's less room for other aspects of life to intervene while you're studying.
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Yeah, most of countries, they do masters as a, as a, as a norm. Yeah, yeah.
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Entry to higher education has a bigger transition point here. So it we tend to have kids leaving home and going to somewhere else to go to university, in a lot of other places, they may well stay at home, or they'll stay in their own state or county. Here, it's a much bigger thing. So there's more invested in going so there's more it feels more uncomfortable packing it in going home. That's what they think. I mean, it's all just, we're just throwing ideas out there. None of these people say, Yeah, this is exactly it in terms of sex. So boys versus girls, the OECD education at a glance, showed that in every country, women in bachelor's programs have higher completion rates than men, and the difference is smaller in the UK than in most countries. Okay, interesting, interesting. Would not have expected that no non traditional routes to higher education. Only around half of those who enroll on a foundation year, which is something where you can start if you haven't got a levels, which is the thing that people normally do to get into university. That is
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big, isn't it? It's only half. So that's compared to the 6% Yeah, wow, only
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half those people should defeat Yeah.
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There's much lower bar to get in, yeah, but it's much bigger, yeah.
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And for some people that that my son, went in that route, for some kids, that's because a levels didn't work out for whatever reason. But really, they're able to do the course, yeah? So they fly, they get get in through the back door. And for some maybe they didn't do great in their lives because they they're really difficult.
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Maybe it's uni is too hard for them.
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Well, I also think the foundation courses of people who've had catastrophic things going on, which meant it's very difficult for them to access education other ways. So I think it's a really good route. Yes, available, but it can be, yeah,
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but it makes sense to catch you out that it's that it's hard to continue for some of them. Yeah, it's amazing.
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Looking into it, what indicates that they will stay early success is one of the most, the biggest indicators. So kids who go in across all ethno racial groups, genders, ages at enrollment, if they go in and they are completing all their assignments and they're doing things on time. It's a very good indicator that they are going to be able to cope going through to the end of the course. Doesn't mean that they won't if they're struggling at the start, but it does indicate success to the end if they do, which is kind of obvious, but at the same time, it's actually what it does is it tells you how important those first few weeks months actually are.
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Yeah, on both sides, isn't it? It's for the students that they need to keep up and be on it, because it's such a big move and there's so much going on, but to keep up with the assignments, and also from the perspective of the institutions that they make it, you know, doable? Yes, absolutely, it's too crazy. Then that's too much
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before that is the research and preparation for university. And one of the things that has really been flagged up is the extent to which we need to research and prepare. And I had a wonderful voicemail from my bonus daughter, Lottie, who just gave me so much feedback on her friends and all the different things that happened when she was at university, and what the things were to know about. And one of the key ones was research beforehand. So she spent a lot of time looking into the difference between different halls. So she already had chosen the university, but then above and. Beyond that, she did a lot of research, calling people and finding out what the different places were going to be like.
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And she said it really paid off, because superficially it looked like being right in the center of the city would be really beneficial, because you were right near all the lectures. But actually, she found out having chosen to be on the campus, it was much better because that's where all the parties and the socializing was going on. It's really important. It's really important, really important. And she found people who didn't end up in that situation struggle to start with. And then the social bit. It's this social school.
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It's like school, yes, so come if
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you're not, if you're younger, friends a bit miserable. Yes, you've hit the
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nail on the head. The social side is actually really, really. An annual survey of applicants conducted by unite students showed their notable gaps in applicants knowledge in areas like the level of contact time they can expect from tutors, a breakdown of living costs, the amount of independent learning they will have to have where they can gain support. And interestingly, when I interviewed Dr Rebecca Winthrop for the disengaged teen, she explained that what they have found, I think it's the Brookings Institute, they have discovered that the kids who flourish is not about the place they went to, it's about their ability to find mentors and people within the institution who can support them and help them. So one of the key things is finding those people who can show you the ropes, who can say, Oh, this is how you do that, or doing all that research beforehand, it's navigating all of that that's becomes quite hard work. Yeah,
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that's how your bonus story was amazing at it.
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But I, my experiences with my own kids, but also with friends kids, is that they hate asking.
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They hate doing that like it's, I should just be able to do this. And let's, let's see what happens. So that's, um, that's a that can be a challenge. That part, yes,
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and I love that you brought that up. We didn't prepare it like, actually, no, because that brings me on to Dr Greg Walton, who was in a recent episode, and his book is ordinary magic. And if you haven't listened to that, I really urge you to listen to the interview. He's incredible. He's He's like a sleeper psychologist. Lots of people don't know about him because he's not on social media, but he's absolutely brilliant. I haven't listened to it yet. He's brilliant. And so what he points out is, he says there are key moments in people's lives that we are often not aware of and we don't even know ourselves, sometimes that we are asking very deep questions. And those questions are things like, Do I belong? Can I do this? Am I enough? Am I loved? Can I trust you? These very fundamental questions, and he says they will tend to come up at these key points in life transitions, when your identity is under question, or when you face challenges. And you can imagine going to university, you've got all of that going on Absolutely. So the whole point is that if you know that these questions may well come up, which they will coming to university, you can help to surface them and help to clear those out of the way before they metastasize. So what do I mean?
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Someone first goes to university, they are going to be asking that question, Do I belong here? 100% 100% every single student will be asking that question, regardless of how easy or difficult. So they might be a black kid who's got a family who've never, ever been to a university, or they could be a child who's incredibly privileged, everyone in their family has gone to university.
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It doesn't matter. They are all going to be asking that question,
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Do I belong in this particular kitchen in this particular moment, exactly?
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And they're going to be scared. So helping our kids understand. Everybody's going to be fearful of this, everybody's going to be worrying about it, is going to be useful to them. And the way you deal with it is you help them surface that question, like, do you think you're feeling that? Do you think that's happening? You avoid negative labels by telling someone that what they're experiencing is normal and is circumstantial. It's not that they're broken or something inside them can be such a relief, and we do this parenting, yeah, it's the same Yeah, it's the same thing. And also saying, yet you are facing real obstacles, it is hard, yeah, but that's okay, because it will get better, yeah. And there is a silver lining at the end of that, yeah.
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And that all sounds really sensible and really beautiful. But the problem, I think the problem, is sometimes that they are gone, and you might not know all this stuff, you might not know, but what I mean is alone and and then then you hear about it, when actually they're really struggling. But
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my point is that, if this is so, I'm trying to give parents ways in which they can help and support their kids, if you can have these conversations well before they go into university, rather than saying, Oh, it's going to be the best because they I think social media has made it way worse. So when I went to university, I didn't know what university really was. I just didn't know.
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I didn't have friends around me who had gone my parents didn't know, you know, and I thought I was going to be surrounded. A lot of very high minded people who wanted to discuss deep, deep texts, because that's what I wanted to go to university to do. And I spent my year out reading dostoyevskin to genneff and Herman Hess and all the American writers. And I turned up at university, and I was pretty shocked, yeah, by which I discovered, because they were all in the bargain, which I happily joined in on. I was very, you know, I was like, but I was thinking, where all the where all the interesting people talk about these witchy things?
00:20:27.079 --> 00:21:37.160
Yes. So it was a bit of a shock to me, but a lot of other people are hearing like, oh, it's going to be the best years of your life. You're going to party, party, party, and meet all your best friends. And then people turn up. And I've spoken to parents who've said, Well, I turned up, and I was in this vast University where I was just a tiny person, and I ended up in a flat with people I didn't particularly like or bond with, and it was a bus ride into the campus, and I just I was lonely for the first time in my life, miserable. It's miserable, but the point is when we can talk to our kids beforehand and say these things might happen, yes, and that will be completely normal. Now here's how you understand what to do. So one of the most important things, and Lottie said this, I've heard this from countless people, is you find out what social clubs are there. That's what Freshers week is about. I didn't know that. I thought Freshers Week was about wandering around with a whole load of people getting very drunk. I wasn't really getting drunk because I didn't like drinking, but I was just like going with the flow, turning up to the medical center, where they said you have to go on contraception, and me saying, I don't understand why.
00:21:34.339 --> 00:21:50.619
You know, just weird things happening, but I didn't realize that. And Lottie made this point very well, where she said, you really, really need to find your tribe. And the quicker you do that, the better. Some people slip straight in. Other people don't, but they will be there.
00:21:50.619 --> 00:22:16.140
And I remember I was in halls of residence, and they had an option to go and be in the quiet corridor. And the quiet corridor was a continuation of my corridor with a door on it. And I kept thinking, why would anyone would anyone be down that quiet corridor? That sounds like a very strange thing to do, but of course, there are people who don't want to be in the rowdy COVID And then I'd see them. And there were these sort of little people who would be very quiet to meet, and some of them were Morris dancers. Oh,
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wow, exactly
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you would know they were there because you'd hear them walking past with these so a Morris dancer for people who've never been to England, and probably even if you have been to England, you wouldn't know these are people who had this old folk dance, and they'd wave, they wave napkins, and have bells on their legs
00:22:33.740 --> 00:22:38.059
together, and they have bells on their legs like small bells. But my tears,
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there were people in my halls of residence who were Morris dancers.
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Did you have a maypole as well? I Susie,
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do you think I spent any time with them? We just used to watch them going by and think, oh, they just, they, you know, and they were guys who would just be the guitar guys, yeah, you know, all these people found their place, and you do, but you do have to be prepared to go and and if you don't have a club that does the thing, that really specific thing that you like doing that makes you seem a little bit crazy, put out leaflets like go to Freshers Week and set up your store, because those people will be there.
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And on the flip side of that, you You actually can't make your kid do anything from a very early age. So I said all of this to my son, and he didn't join anything because he thought, you know, yeah, you can, you can offer it, and you can offer it, and then it's obviously up to
00:23:28.519 --> 00:23:41.180
that. No, no, but I do mean, I wish I'd known that, because I would have joined some of the clubs. I didn't know. So I slowly started joining clubs later, not many, but I didn't really understand the clubs were there. I don't know
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what you could do.
00:23:41.539 --> 00:23:50.140
Yeah, they have, like, there's a Nerf gun group, and they see them running out, how cool is that, and laughing at them. I think it sounds brilliant. I think
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I would definitely do that, right. Yeah.
00:23:52.359 --> 00:24:09.779
My point is that this is something, if we prepare our kids before, it's not like being at school where you're shoved in a class with a limited range of people. You can't really, you know they kind of not your tribe, but you just have to live with them. Most of these universities are much bigger, so you do have options, don't feel stuck, or you also
00:24:09.779 --> 00:24:12.059
have a lot of time.
00:24:09.779 --> 00:24:26.119
I mean, I think because most people, they go to school, don't they, and they're at home, and then, you know, school takes up part of their day, and their homework and and then suddenly there at university, which is just, you're there all the time, and you have to do everything.
00:24:26.359 --> 00:24:43.779
And I think, you know, for kids who've maybe lived away from home, that's, that's a slightly different transition, but it can be a massive shock. So how are you going to fill your time, and what are you going to do? And you've got, suddenly got all this practical stuff that needs doing, that even if you're good at it's still, you know, you still have to do it every day.
00:24:43.779 --> 00:25:13.259
It's not going to do all your washing. You got to, where's the washing machine? Where's the where's the cooker? How does it work? Where's the fridge? Who's Nick my butter, you know, all the stuff. And it's, it's not just everyone can cook. All kids can cook occasionally at home, or do their washing occasionally. But it's a. Every day. And for some kids, mine included that that came as a bit of a like, wow, it's life, isn't it, and you have to suddenly adult, which is, you know, even for us adults, can be pain in the neck while
00:25:13.259 --> 00:25:39.799
you're trying to make friends, yeah, and party and stay up all night. Which brings me on to another thing, which is this whole really trying to impress upon our kids before they go, cos they won't listen to us. But for example, with alcohol, I did talk my kids through how you deal with the situation when people are drinking you don't feel like drinking, or how you deal with a situation when people drunk too much. I had gone through that with my kids, and they rolled their eyes, but they did use it.
00:25:36.500 --> 00:25:52.059
And it's the same thing with the sleep we're actually saying. So if you get too short of sleep, you will find life will unravel very quickly. So I know that you won't be sleeping consistently.
00:25:47.980 --> 00:26:08.400
That's a given. I get it. But you need to understand that if you're feeling really burnt out and tearful or or psychotic or anything, sleep is the big repairer, and if you can't do it there come home. You know, these are things where you can plant the seed and it will flower at some point. Yes, yes,
00:26:08.759 --> 00:26:13.799
yeah, yeah. 100% and all the difficult conversations, all those
00:26:13.799 --> 00:26:16.440
conversations, it's worth just Yeah, exactly.
00:26:16.440 --> 00:26:22.460
So my point is that we can do an awful lot of preparation. It's not just about, Does my child know how to make three meals?
00:26:22.519 --> 00:26:28.759
Wonderful. It's great if they if they can, and those things are very helpful. And
00:26:28.759 --> 00:26:47.200
a shocking, lot of them don't know how to cook at all. I mean, my son was, they were, they were kind of like, shocked. I mean, he wasn't a great he was all right. But, you know, some of his friends, they were okay. They could boil pasta and stuff, and they were kind of shocked that some of them literally didn't know how to do anything, which is
00:26:47.200 --> 00:26:51.160
a real shame, no, but that's a real shame. It is. It's a real shame.
00:26:51.339 --> 00:26:55.119
And they learn on the job. Of course, suddenly you're chucked into it, but it's hard. But
00:26:55.119 --> 00:27:33.680
you remember Sam Kelly, I did that interview with her, and she said, if somebody had taught me these things when I was younger. I wouldn't be drowning in my life right now. So this is the time, yes, this is, you know, actually, if your child is going to university in September, for example, this is the time when you can actually set them up for success by, okay, look, you really need to know how to do a washing machine work, this unit, exactly those things. So we can do those things which are just kind of tick box stuff. The deep work about how you have to understand you might get there and it will feel it could be a brilliant you might meet all the best people right at the start.
00:27:28.279 --> 00:27:44.380
Probably not. Don't try and make best friends with everybody in the first you know that first person you meet is probably the person you're not going to want to spend the rest of your time with. We all do that, but I think preparing them for it might not be okay to start with.
00:27:44.619 --> 00:27:59.259
And Lottie said that, she said she had several friends where it really didn't work to start with. They were in the wrong halls, or they were with people they really didn't like, and they then found support, yeah, to help them move to a different
00:27:59.259 --> 00:28:02.339
situation, important, rather than just going home and ditching
00:28:02.339 --> 00:28:26.240
it. Yeah, if you hear, Oh, my kid hates the people they're with, and whatever, you know, it's trying to figure out, like, what is it about those people that they find difficult? And it may be that they do need to advocate for themselves and teach them how they can advocate for themselves in that setting. So one of the great things you can look at before they go is, what are the structures in place at that university for? Okay, something's gone wrong. Where are the numbers?
00:28:26.240 --> 00:28:28.519
That's quite hard to find, I think sometimes Yeah.
00:28:29.240 --> 00:29:00.099
And also, like, my son's feedback was that, yeah, they're really good at sort of on on the website as well, getting people to come like, they're really good at that, huh? But once you're there, yes, it's a bit harder to find. And universities are much better than they used to be because there were, was those. You know, there are some not great statistics out there for mental health, for students, and I think they've really had to improve a lot. So there's a lot of support out there, but you do have to, you do have to find it, which when you're struggling, is hard. So yes, finding it in advance is a really good tip. I think one
00:29:00.099 --> 00:29:13.619
of the big problems we've got now is the number of universities have continued with online stuff, and they found with MOOCs. So the massive online open courses, which became really popular, where everyone was like, oh my goodness, you can get a Harvard degree. Yeah, drop out of those.
00:29:13.680 --> 00:29:35.359
90% online learning doesn't work. It can be helpful. It can work for a very small minority of people that connection with somebody, that being part of a group, that being part of a cohort is so important, and you've witnessed that, haven't you? Where your son's girlfriend, I think they literally summer term they didn't have, yeah,
00:29:35.359 --> 00:29:46.720
I think universities are sneaky. I mean, I'm not affiliated to a university, so apologies if your teacher and you totally disagree with this.
00:29:42.019 --> 00:30:03.779
They, you know, the summer term for some students is unbelievably short, and, you know, there's maybe a bit of coursework, and then they're gone like beginning of May or middle of May, and a they're paying a lot of money for that, lots of money. Okay, and B, there's, like, this sense of all, what am I doing now?
00:30:03.779 --> 00:30:14.940
There's a kind of, it feels a little bit less peters out, yeah, and they feel a little bit scammed. And, you know, they're not there just to hang out.
00:30:12.000 --> 00:30:14.940
They're there to get a degree.
00:30:15.720 --> 00:30:30.440
Yeah, that is a bit strange. And if it's all online, and then my, my son doesn't have online stuff, but there's still a little bit of online and and they're left going, why? Yeah, why? No one has COVID anymore?
00:30:26.180 --> 00:30:34.579
Like, I don't know much of of many people who have a lot of that, to be honest, but I know that it just still does exist for some
00:30:34.579 --> 00:30:49.059
people. I spoken to a girl very recently at a very prestigious university who said, Yep, we've been to having to do some some stuff online, and she said, I just feel scammed. Yeah, I, you know, I don't know what's going on behind the scenes, but it's a problem,
00:30:49.059 --> 00:30:53.140
yeah, because we know the quality of your attention and all of that, it's just, it's just not the same.
00:30:53.140 --> 00:30:58.119
No, it's not the same. And it's a little bit of supplement. Is fine, of course. Yes, it's only that that's, that's not great, yes.
00:30:58.299 --> 00:32:19.680
And just to take me as an example, I had a breakdown at the end of my first year, at the end of my second year, I went to my tutor and said, I think I'm going to take year out, because I was terrified of that final year. I was terrified of the work involved. I thought I can't do it. And he actually said to me, no, I really strongly advise against that you need to stay with your cohort. Yes, I look back, and that was incredible advice, and he's probably had to tell so many students that. But I think one of the problems is, once we step away, if you don't have that same cohort, it can be very hard to go back. But I'm not saying you can't, and it's very interesting, because the government in the UK now is looking at a sort of lifelong learning entitlement, Flexi Travel Card of of learning, so you can sort of take modular courses and then step away and then come back in again, because they want people to understand that learning is about a Lifetime. Yes, and I think that's a very good message. But what I'm concerned about is this particular really valid. And I was in my final year, I lived in a house with a whole load of politics students, so it was I, it saved me. I would not have got through it if I hadn't been with them, because, first of all, I was nicking their notes.
00:32:16.799 --> 00:32:23.480
So that was helpful. And there was a girl who was in our house.
00:32:19.680 --> 00:32:48.640
He was from Essex, and her dad used to trade boxes of things that have fallen off the back of a lorry, you know, nudge, nudge, wink, wink, one of those. And every two weeks she would drive home sobbing to her home, her dad would sit her down, give her a cup of tea biscuit, say, all right, love, back you go and send her back in the car to make her to come back. And she and we'd all hug her when she came home. Said, Sarah, you can do this. It's going to be great.
00:32:49.119 --> 00:32:51.640
And she got a degree. Oh, her upset was that it was too hard.
00:32:51.640 --> 00:33:28.819
She was finding it very, very hard. So I well, I suppose what I'm trying to say is it's that perennial problem of, when do we know that it's time to jacket in and go, oh yeah, it is too hard for you. Because, actually, I think that it is going to be very hard for some of our students. And Lottie said that it was really great. Her mum used to just take her home at some some weekends. And you know, when she was exhausted, she just go home. She'd been partying too much or working too much, or it was too stressful, and she'd sleep and her mum would feed her, and then she could go back. Yeah, and I think having that backup, soft space for being good with that, your son has been able to come home.
00:33:24.799 --> 00:33:30.200
His siblings are there, and just a bit of normality, yeah. And
00:33:30.200 --> 00:33:51.220
so, I mean, he's not very far away, which is really lovely, actually. So he's had a few bits things going on, and I can just go there, actually, and take him out for lunch and chat, and then then, you know, bring him a wonderful home. And I bet I brought the dog once that yeah, it rang across the car park. Yeah, it's just a touching basis. So
00:33:51.220 --> 00:34:05.940
if we can do that, that's a really wonderful thing to be able to offer. And just coming back to the extracurriculars, a student voice Survey said 78% of students who didn't participate in any extracurriculars and campus events were not satisfied with their college experience.
00:34:06.119 --> 00:34:16.199
78% 78% so that's why this stuff actually, really is not just about it's not about ticking a box. It's about being engaged.
00:34:16.199 --> 00:34:55.239
And I didn't have any money and I didn't do the freshers week. I didn't understand what I was supposed to do there. But guess what? Because I didn't have any money, I signed up to be secretary of the Student Union, sort of social side, which meant I used to work at every club night, every time they had a band there, I would basically be on the door. I'd do my couple of hours checking people in while everyone else was getting their drinks and things, which I wasn't doing anyway, and then I could go in. Yeah, brilliant. So that became my way of actually accessing all of that. So even if you don't have much money, yeah, there are ways that you can find. You can squirrel your way into being all they're part of the social scene, absolutely.
00:34:55.300 --> 00:34:58.420
And it starts to take off. But we have to give yeah,
00:34:58.480 --> 00:35:41.539
there's lots of sports thing. You can do for very, very little at unis as well. I think a lot of students at the moment in the UK, particularly with all the cost of living, they are finding it particularly pressurizing. I keep hearing that coming up through my son and his friends and generally as well. Like this idea of it's a lot of money, and what's the point? And we're not going to get a job anyway, yikes. And it's all very difficult and all a bit negative. So that is kind of like an added weight, and that seems to be really growing in a really unhelpful way cut. But they were, they're worrying about when they come out. Yes, the worry isn't so much when they're there, because that's, that's, that's bad, but it's when they come out. You know?
00:35:41.539 --> 00:35:58.719
What's the point? I'm not going to get a to get a job. I'm going to have to go back home. You know, most students can't afford a rent. You know, there are some that managed to do, you know, get jobs immediately. But there's this, it's really, really shifted, and that really is playing on their on their way they're thinking. And I think
00:35:58.719 --> 00:36:02.699
that's a very important point, and it's not something we thought about when we were no not
00:36:02.699 --> 00:36:17.519
at all. You could just go and live with your mates afterwards, and, you know, and pay a really cheap rent in a probably horrible place, but didn't matter, whereas you just can't do that now. And that really does add insecurity, very, very different taste to the whole student experience.
00:36:17.820 --> 00:36:32.599
And one other little bit of information that I discovered was that the dropout rates of degree apprenticeships is actually quite high, yeah, which surprised me, because a lot of us are saying, well, that sounds like a
00:36:32.659 --> 00:36:36.679
good idea. Is there reasons for that? Or just, I
00:36:36.679 --> 00:37:18.780
think it's, I know. I mean, I've, you know, haven't done hours and years of research, but what I'm I know, but yeah, that surprised me, but that's worth knowing. So my whole point is, look at, prepare yourself, look at the cost of living, where they're going to factor that in. Also, we can't do anything about the job market. We just can't. We are not the people in charge of this. So that's one of those difficult bit. We have to know it's weighing on their mind. But you know, iteration, whatever they're going into all these universities now, they do actually have statistics on how many of the kids get jobs after they do what are the chances of them finishing their degree? All those things are actually out there. We need to look, yeah, and
00:37:18.780 --> 00:37:37.880
also question the statistics as well. I remember going to Surrey University Open Day, and they came out with, uh, ethnicity statistics. And they were just, we were like, what? I don't think so. And they put in, you know, all the European students. And so, yeah, look at the statistics. Yes,
00:37:38.000 --> 00:37:42.579
of course, of course. There's lies, damn lies and statistics. Isn't it?
00:37:40.039 --> 00:37:46.480
Obviously, there are lots of reasons why people might struggle at university. Mental Health, massive,
00:37:46.539 --> 00:38:13.440
massive. And I think if you're you've got kids who are neurodivergent, and the topic of that, I think it's, it's obviously way more challenging. And I know the statistics for them are very different. I agree, very radically different. And I think a lot of that is the living, the stress of living, way they get there, and it's, it's overwhelming, overwhelming. And, yeah, there needs to be more awareness around that. And it's kind of like catch 22 isn't it?
00:38:13.440 --> 00:38:26.599
They're struggling, but they're too overwhelmed to go and seek help. Yes, so that can be challenging. And then it's, you know, found when it's maybe quite far down the line. Yeah, awareness of that is really important. And do you
00:38:26.599 --> 00:38:58.719
know what that's made me suddenly think of so when Greg Walton was talking the other thing, he said we were talking about vapes here, actually, and he said students and young people are very pro social and they're very anti establishment. And you can use that, yeah, and one of the ways you can help your child, who is one of those people who says, Oh, I don't need that, you know, I'm fine. I'm fine, and then until they're not fine, is you can actually tell them, I tell you what, it's going to be very hard for everybody. Why don't you be the person who just checks up on your mates?
00:38:59.380 --> 00:39:11.340
Because, actually, because I was at the outsider, generally, normally, I did check up on people, and actually it made a massive difference to them.
00:39:06.960 --> 00:39:30.139
Yeah, one girl had already taken an overdose. Another boy had been locking himself in a room because he was gay and he was being bullied. You know, all these things, but having a student cohort where your kid knows, actually it's not going to take anything out of your day. Just check on them, knock on their door, make sure they're okay. When kids know that other people are looking out for them and can also advocate for them, I think
00:39:30.139 --> 00:39:44.860
that's really beautiful. And also the one who's checking in and asking that gives you such a massive boost. It feels amazing to be the one checking not not in a weird, like annoying way, but just as a general compassion thing, it's really beautiful.
00:39:42.760 --> 00:39:46.719
And then that change that actually transforms the community around
00:39:46.719 --> 00:40:01.380
you. It transforms the community and in research that's been done of who is considered to be most popular. Do you know the sorts of people who are considered to be the most popular? No, they're the people who. Like, the more the most people
00:40:02.639 --> 00:40:05.760
say that. Again, the people who are most popular are the people, the people who when
00:40:05.760 --> 00:40:13.679
they when they find when they do research into them, and they ask them, Who do you like? Those are the people who say, who actually have the most people that they like? Oh,
00:40:13.679 --> 00:40:16.199
how interesting.
00:40:13.679 --> 00:40:23.000
Yeah, so it's a two way, two way street, two way street, and we're not going into popularity, but it's nice to be liked, isn't it? My
00:40:23.059 --> 00:40:29.840
point is, if you're reaching out and helping other people, then you become a more useful like to give back.
00:40:30.440 --> 00:40:37.159
We want our kids to be pro social. We want them to and they actually, they're wired that way anyway. We think that they're really selfish, and
00:40:37.159 --> 00:40:51.099
they're not. They're really not just fear. And you know, if also in a from a parent perspective, if your kids asking if others are all right, they're going to be asked if when they're not all right. Yeah. So, you know, it's like another safety net as well.
00:40:51.159 --> 00:41:03.960
Yeah. So those are my top tips. If you found this useful, or you have a kid going to university at the moment and you've got some tips for us, or you've got a kid who's dropped out or anything.
00:41:00.599 --> 00:41:15.300
Just let us know. We'd love to hear your feedback. It's www.teenagersuntangled.com, for the website and teenagers untangled@gmail.com for the email. Susie has so
00:41:15.300 --> 00:41:18.719
I am www, dot.
00:41:15.300 --> 00:41:18.719
Amindful hyphen life.co.uk.
00:41:19.920 --> 00:41:24.320
That's brilliant. Thank you, Susie, thank you. Have a great week.
00:41:21.619 --> 00:41:24.320
Thank you too, and bye for now.
00:41:24.500 --> 00:41:25.460
Big hug from me, bye, bye.
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