32: Consequences, and the teen who doesn't seem to care.

Rachel Richards: 0:02

Hello, I'm Rachel Richards and welcome to teenagers untangle the audio hub where we use research by experts and our own experience to discuss everything and anything to do with parenting teenagers.

Susie Asli: 0:13

Hi, I'm Susie Asli, mindfulness coach, mindful therapist and musician, and mother of three teenagers, two of them are twin.

Rachel Richards: 0:20

As a parenting coach, I've seen the transformative power of listening to how other parents work, we can feel supported, get fresh ideas, and even if we disagree with each other, it helps us to think more clearly about the way we parent and why so welcome. Pull up a chair. And let's begin now this time we've been looking at consequences for poor behavior. How do you pick them? How do you know if they'll work? Susie Susie, this this Susie bristles? Talk about? We'll get on to why. Let's let's just talk about our nuggets to start with. Suzy, what's your what's your nugget for this week? Well, my

Susie Asli: 0:57

nugget is linked to one of my kids is very much finding the fun in his day, which is lovely. And going with that more, because I think so often. We are I can speak for myself. Oh, yeah. But I you know, I'd really like to watch a movie in the middle of the afternoon. But it's you know, I've got to do stuff I got to you got to do your homework, I've got to do the washing. I will do it later. I'll do it later. And then you know, often later never happens. So I've been trying to practice going with it and thinking, though, this is now let's and so on Sunday, he was like, Do you want to go and watch up with me, which is an old, beautiful movie, and I haven't watched it. And my instinct was like, No, I got to watch the PKN Yes, I'd love to who we got the popcorn out, sat on the sofa, turn the fire on and watch up all afternoon. And it was lovely. And there was still time to do everything else.

Rachel Richards: 1:55

I love that because we very often when we become parents, we think oh, this is what parents are supposed to be. And we become really boring. Yes serious about it. Whereas actually, we need to look back and think about all those fun moments. Because that's what we'll be remembering when they disappeared. Yes.

Susie Asli: 2:11

I've often done the let's do the 10 minutes first, and I was standing there still a really great idea. But sometimes that turns into half an hour. And then the mood is

Rachel Richards: 2:19

gone the mood. Yeah, no, I love it. No, it's great. I'm going to try that. Maybe I'll be the one who suggested

Susie Asli: 2:23

Yeah, do it. Do your homework. Sad.

Rachel Richards: 2:28

Oh, it's painful. Don't don't love it. Love it. So mine was that I was walking home with my daughter after a night out. And we want to happen to be on our own. And I suddenly turned to her and said, I just been thinking about this tidy room thing. Because I do tend to mention it a lot. And I said to her, you know what has occurred to me, I know why it really matters to me, and that I feel a bit. I want to hyperventilated for the rooms too messy. And I just feel like my life's out of control. And I can't find things. And so I know why tidy room matters to me. But it's kind of occurred to me that maybe you just don't really care that much about having a tidy room because we've talked about this before. And and that maybe I'm just pushing this on to you. And and if I am then I'm really sorry. And I don't want to make you a mirror of me. But I do feel like we need to have this conversation because I need to know whether you need extra help in learning the skills because I think you know, we have to take time in our day to make our rooms tidy, doesn't just suddenly happen. And she said no, I do actually care. And I said oh, well that's okay. That's so is there anything I can do apart from saying to you, you really need to make it a priority actually has to be something you can allocate time to. She said, No, no, no, it's fine. I can do it myself. But by the way, I don't like the opportunity to say something else that she thought I was nagging her about, which was absolutely fine. But what was amazing about it was I think that was a that was a key point for her where she went actually this clarified it for her and she's been remarkably tidier since. And it's and she sends me photos. And she's lined things up and and I just said That's amazing. Not not you making me happy is that I feel like she's made a step forward in something that she wants. Yeah, just just, I had never in my life thought that. That would be that effective. Amazing. Yes. All right, so we have some feedback as well. Now Hey, ladies, I'm new to your podcast after looking for ways to support my son after his move up to senior school. Not quite a teenager, but he's changed so much and he's really struggling to settle into senior school. He's gone from being a popular child with lots of friends to spending break times on his own and not finding his tribe listening to Episode 26 has given me so much more understanding of how and where I can work with him to get him to settle in. Thank you so much for sharing. I'm extremely grateful, and not so terrified. Now, I will be staying tuned for more sending love. Oh, that's a beautiful review. Yes. And the whole friendship thing is so important because this is one of the things that increases anxiety when people don't have connection, if they feel that they're connected, if they don't have friends, if they can connect with you, and we can support them, it makes a massive difference.

Susie Asli: 5:26

And we'd love to hear how he gets on love to

Rachel Richards: 5:28

hear, love to hear. Now, consequences. So, we talked before about setting rules that your team will follow. And this is getting to the nitty gritty about how you deal with a teen who's behaving badly and making poor choices. And I see a huge amount of parents struggling with this. And they, you know, they'll put a consequence in place. And then the teen might do it or might not. And there are some parents who have said, you know, it doesn't matter what I do, they just don't do what I tell them to do. It's really frustrating. I read a summary of a really interesting piece of research published in the educational and developmental psychologist journal, they studied the effect of parenting style on adolescent behavior problems like defiance and substance use or depression, anxiety. And the study involved over 1400 13 and 14 year old, so a reasonable number. And they found that behavioral problems tended to exist more in teens who had low persistence. So they just could just didn't keep going at all, high negative reactivity and who are hyperactive so really, really active kids. And and that's even kids who had warm loving parenting that was very connected. But here's the interesting bit, those problem behaviors were far, far worse when they were combined with lower parental warmth and lower monitoring. So we know in a nutshell, you get you do get your child. And I always say that I was sent the chickens I was sent to stop me being smug. Because sometimes, you know, you have a kid and they're really compliant, and they're easy to manage. And you think I'd go me? And then and then the other child just isn't there. We are highly reactive. And so yes, but the truth is the we know that the warmth of the parenting and the monitoring are critical. Yeah. And it can make a massive difference to the child's life.

Susie Asli: 7:15

It's the whole nurture nature debate, isn't it? How much is which but you know, the nurture side is crucial.

Rachel Richards: 7:21

Yes. Now coming to two consequences, which people love to they'll talk about them a lot. And and what consequences should I use? This is based on something called behaviorism and behaviorists is document doctrine, where they believe that behavior can be changed through a process called operant conditioning. And in this view, it's the environment that determines a child's behavior. So negative behaviors are the result of bad training. And if we apply the right consequences, we get appropriate behaviors. And this is B, this came out in the 1960s, when they were using rats and pigeons and to to show that you know, you can conduct these experiments. And each time you repeat them, they come out the same. The problem is raised raising teenagers. So you might it might be that when they're quite little and they don't have the emotional and intellectual ability to see beyond a certain level, then maybe that might work. But what as every parent will tell you if you use a consequence, that doesn't isn't quite right. It might work one or two times, and then it stops working. So what's happened?

Susie Asli: 8:23

Yeah, and it's how you if you if you think consequences are helpful and good and how you put them in places is crucial isn't if you do them from, you know wholehearted this is this is a helpful and explain it properly. And then it can be really good. If you're if you're doing it from a place of panic that you feel your kid is kind of going off the rails, whatever that looks like. And you just go I need to I need to control and he's controlling you put in a whole load of consequences in panic. That's way less likely to have an effect. Yes, because they'll just run for the

Rachel Richards: 8:55

hills. Yes. And I love that point. Because really what we want to do is we want to try and identify the specific thing that needs changing, and focus on the issue, not the person. So it's trying to step away from, you know, so for example, a woman said, Oh, my son had an answer these three questions that were given to him in homework. So I've taken away his X Box and said he can have it back when he's done it. And you know, that you can say, well, that will work. But really, is it your job to try and force that teenager? I don't know how old he was, but try and force him to do homework set by somebody else? Or would it be more effective to say, is there a reason why you are not doing that homework cuz he might have a good

Susie Asli: 9:37

reason. Really good reason. And it depends what you mean by work like a consequence works. What does that even mean? Does it mean that you've put the fear of God into them and they're terrified? And they're going to just do what you say, because you've either made some awful threat or you're fearful, you know, you're frightening person and they're frightened. That's not going to set them up for good life. Or are they just you know, sticking their middle thing You're up and going, No, I'm not going to do that. Because you said so. So you know, we have to connect with them first, which is what we always talk about the connection is key. And then you can put guidelines up if they're if they're relevant, and if they resonate. But before you've done that, if you only put consequences out, you'll alienate them. Yes, they won't, yes. Because

Rachel Richards: 10:18

eventually they'll say, Well, I don't, I don't have to know. And you then you have to up the ante every single time. And parents tend to have more frequent and more intense conflicts, when they believe they're teenagers bad behavior, is has malicious intentions to hurt. Yeah. So separate yourself from their poor behavior, or what you consider to be poor behavior. And then look at what what do we what's going wrong here? Yeah. So one of the best consequences is natural consequences, which you bring up all the

Susie Asli: 10:48

time. Yeah, they're, they're way better. And they're just organic, aren't they? So if you you know, a happens, then B happens. Like, I don't know, the classic homework one, you know, don't get involved in that. If they haven't done their homework, then they'll probably be in trouble in school, and then they'll learn from that. And if they have to, you know, do extra homework or stay behind after school, then that's, that's a natural consequence, they probably will hate that. So hopefully, that will be enough.

Rachel Richards: 11:12

So a lot of parents will say, Yeah, but hang on a second, if I just leave my teenager to do their homework and they don't do it, then they fail. And then you know, that's a disaster. So at what point do I start saying, Okay, so my answer to that would be to have ongoing discussions with them about, you know, what they're trying to achieve, and why the homework matters and how doing it makes a difference to their life, rather than just saying, right, if you don't do the homework this week, yeah, it's going to happen. And it

Susie Asli: 11:39

can be is it a one off? Or is it a, is it a longer pattern? You know, you have have those conversations, you know, you can nudge you can we can always nudge because nobody wants to do the homework? Well, maybe a few do, but none of it.

Rachel Richards: 11:51

No, no. It's all about what we're trying to do is look down the line and say, you know, if I'm going to implement consequences, what am I trying to achieve? I'm trying to achieve an adult at the end of this, who can make good decisions for themselves? If I take away all the power for them to make decisions, then am I what? Am I doing that job properly? No, yes, I'm not. So I need to involve them in the process of why thinking this through, and this behavior that they're exhibiting isn't helping them?

Susie Asli: 12:20

Yes, absolutely. Again, it's always an opportunity to look at ourselves. Why is it so triggering what, you know, the the actual behavior they're doing? Why is it so why is it so difficult for us to sit and watch it? Is it because it's actually life threatening and dangerous? And yes, of course, we have to step in? Or is it perhaps triggering something in us that, you know, if my kid is doing well, in school, I feel I'm a better parent, what's that maybe unpacking that? All of those kinds of things is an opportunity.

Rachel Richards: 12:49

And so coming back to the natural consequences, for example, if the house rule is that, you know, the parents only wash clothes that are placed in the hamper. And then the teenager ends up with dirty clothes, if they don't find, you know, natural consequences.

Susie Asli: 13:00

We had one of them last night, and my son gave me his PE kits at 1030 and said, I need that for tomorrow. And I went, well, that's not happening. If you'd given it to me at seven, it would be fine. Yes. Oh,

Rachel Richards: 13:10

he machine? Yes. So so how do we when we do have to select consequences, because it does happen? They need to be logical. And what I mean by that is to be effective, a consequence needs to be short term. So if you make it too long, so I'm going to take away TV rights for the next week, then, you know, first of all, I mean, I've had this with when I was teaching parenting to parents of younger kids, I just say, Please don't put in place something that you can't keep. Because I tell you by day two, you're gonna want them on in front of that TV. Don't use that one. So you know, you have to think of these consequences when you're not in the heat of the moment. And they need to be short enough to focus the mind. And not too long, because if they're too long, then they won't, you won't be able to be consistent with it. It needs to be task specific. So you know, here's what you do to get this right, or here's what you do to make up for doing. So you know, if you broke someone's fence, then you know, you need to go and fix the fence or you need to pay for it. So you know, you need to be very specific about what it is and then think about what it is that your child really values. Because if you say to your child, right, I'm going to take away the phone. And they may go Yeah, okay, grab the phone, because they don't really care about the phone that much. It's something else. Yeah. So you need this is why connecting with your child, your teenager understanding them or understanding where their values lie and what really matters to them is worth doing. Yes. Because you need for them and you need to just direct their attention. We're not trying to punish them. No. Punishment doesn't work.

Susie Asli: 14:52

No, it doesn't work. And I think most teenagers if you if you have a good connection with them, that's why that's always the first point of call and I don't mean that you have to be best friends with them no. But the you're able that they feel seen and heard and understood for who they are. That's that's connection. And they can have a conversation with you about Yeah, they can, you can fall out with them, you can think they're annoying, they can think you're annoying, you don't have to be best mates. But connection is the first port of call. And then and then there's a respect that becomes comes automatically within that. And then you can sit and have conversations like, you know, I'm worried about your safety. The reason I don't want you coming back at this time of night is because I'm worried about your safety, I think it's too late. And they are they're not stupid, they will understand that they might in the moment go on around finer, but somewhere he'll get it. And if you do it in from a loving, caring place, and then ask them, What do you think what? What's your opinion of that? How do you I'm worried about it. I think this time, what do you think would be a reasonable time and kind of have a discussion? Yes. Yes. And and then meet you if you have to make you know, the decision in the end? Because you're the adults, then after that, and they might not go? Great. What a great idea, mom?

Rachel Richards: 16:04

Yes, because the relationship with a teenager needs to have all the qualities of a relationship you might have with a co worker. Yeah, with some love, with what with a lot of love, obviously. And and this person, you've got to keep safe. So there is a safety element that's involved. But again, explaining it rather than just saying this is you know, this is not accept

Susie Asli: 16:24

Yes, I remember when might when my son had awful back problems. And he was really resisting doing his really boring physio, we had, I had to put consequences in place, and I rarely use them. But if I could pick that this is this is your health. This is this is non negotiable for me. And we tried to do it in a way that was workable, but he still resisted. So then there was a consequence in place which involved the Wi Fi. But there are lots of chances to not go to that place. But work out what what are your non negotiables? What really is important and then then stick to your guns. Yes. But have a conversation about and I love what you're saying there because actually what happened was you built up to the the harder consequences. So for example, that's happened with me with the with the phones with my daughters, the reason they're so compliant about handing phones over to me, is because it's it's been an iterative process where I've said, You've been on that phone for two hours, you know, what's happened? Why

Rachel Richards: 17:18

didn't you tell me some really great stories, and they can't tell me anything. And I say, well, in those two hours, you could have been out, you know, playing with the dogs, or you could have gone and practice the piano or something, you know, something that was more wholesome. And slowly, I've gone back in again and said, Okay, so now, how long have you been on it? And without nagging them asking them questions. And eventually I've said, you know, I think you need a bit of help, because it's hard. And I find it hard. And then they've gone. Yeah, can you take it away? Yes. So it's about sort of edging towards helping them see that this decision needs to be made, they're not making a decision at the moment, or they're making a poor decision and and how you show them how you would manage.

Susie Asli: 17:57

And ideally, you get buy in because you're having a conversation about it, and you're giving them options, and they're coming with their point of view. And if you have buy in, then it's it's really it's really a much better place. You might not get buy in and then then you have to make the choices you have to make.

Rachel Richards: 18:12

Yeah. And so for example, if they, if they don't want to go to bed, you know, at night, but they they're struggling to get up in the morning. Well, you say Right, so you know, you have to go to bed an hour earlier, because you can't get up in the morning, or you know, they've been out on their bicycle without their helmets on you. And you say that's really dangerous. So rather than say, I'm going to take away your phone, you say, the bikes gone for a week, just so you can have a think about what you know, let's talk about why that's so important.

Susie Asli: 18:40

As a bedtime saying I'm thinking like my eldest goes to bed too late. But it's, that's that's his decision. So I'm not going to wake you up in the morning, you'll miss your bus.

Rachel Richards: 18:50

So now you're making the natural consequence. It's not even something you have to actually deal with. He's got to fix it him. So

Susie Asli: 18:55

I find that really hard because I still wake him up. But that ideally,

Rachel Richards: 19:01

you'll get there eventually. So we need to clearly identify the behavior that has to change. And this is kind of similar to the resolutions. So if we think about how hard it is for us to make changes to our behavior, think about that, when you're trying to tell your child or your teenager, look, I'm not happy about this, it's not going to just suddenly happen, right? We ought to be reasonable a reasonable about this, and think about how we can help them. So first of all, we need buy in. So is this a problem? Yes, it is a problem. And why is it a problem? So be prepared to have a discussion, be prepared to have a bit of what they call back chat, which we covered we covered in Episode 12. So if they if you feel like they're pushing back, this isn't a bad thing. It's because what's happened is They're engaged. They're saying, Well, I think this and you say okay, well let's unpack

Susie Asli: 19:48

and it's really, really important that we allow them to do that because in all other areas of life, we're really encouraging our teens to talk and question everything and be dynamic and not just put up with whatever but you know, go for it. And yet in our homes, we're going well, I don't want you answering back, I don't want your I don't want you only want your opinion on I agree with it and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, which is missing a massive opportunity to allow them to say what they think. Yeah. So you can be respectful in it as well, you know, you can have your boundaries. But

Rachel Richards: 20:17

yes, and when you have someone that's a reactive teen, I mean, I, I've had a reactive, I've had a couple of really reactivity. And it's about rather than saying this, you're a terrible person for being that way. It's about saying this behavior needs some moderation. And you know, we've got time. So let's try and figure out so and when you try a consequence, or you try to work with them to fix it, it's not going to happen immediately. So don't think that and so, you know, with my daughter, who's now cleaning her room, and everything, this didn't happen overnight, you have to be slow and steady, and keep going back in, you keep going back in and talking to them about it and accepting that they're not going to be perfect, straight away

Susie Asli: 20:59

silly or whatever. And I love that point of separating the behavior from the person, like I was saying, when you love you unconditionally, and I really don't like that behavior. Yes, it's separate.

Rachel Richards: 21:13

Yes. So coming back to the, the the consequences when you're setting them. Explain the restriction limits. time limited. So say, you know, this is what's going to happen. And here's why. And here's how long, and here's how you get it back. So just be very, very clear with them. Because otherwise, it's really, they feel like everything's been taken away from them. They don't really understand what the parameters are, if you're going to use that. And you have to be fair and consistent with it.

Susie Asli: 21:39

Yeah. And then they're just doing something for the sake of getting their exports back. And then you've missed an opportunity.

Rachel Richards: 21:46

But also, what's fascinating is, if you have seen some behavior, and you say this is a real problem, and you discuss it with them, let them have a go at coming up with what the consequence should be. Because you may be shocked. Yeah, quite often, they come up with something that's far more severe than you than you might have thought of

Susie Asli: 22:04

mine have started to go because I have three different ages. Oh, if that was my kid, I did that, that that? And I'm like, really? Wow.

Rachel Richards: 22:13

Exactly, exactly. Well, I

Susie Asli: 22:16

am the parent here, and I'm not going to do that, okay.

Rachel Richards: 22:19

So you can keep your fingernails I'm not going to pull them out. And it's important to understand you're not going to stop your child from being angry or frustrated. This is a feeling as you say all the time. You they can't help their feelings. It's about identifying them and thinking, Okay, why are those happening? Because we again, coming back to we're trying to create, it slowly created an adult who can work through why they disagree with something why they're behaving a certain way, and why that could be an issue.

Susie Asli: 22:49

Yeah. And that they're loved for the whole of them. So I think a lot of us have experienced because it's a generational thing, you know, all Don't be angry, especially the girls. And that's a whole part of your person that has been kind of pushed away. And you know, psychologically, we know that that's, that's quite unhealthy. So if we can stay with our kids, when they are angry, we don't have to accept all of the behavior. But there they have a feeling that I am being angry, and I'm still being seen and heard and respected for who I am. That is huge. That's really empowering

Rachel Richards: 23:22

and empathize with the anger. You know what, what is, you know, I can see that you feel really angry. What's beneath it? Yeah. How How, how do we help you calm down?

Susie Asli: 23:32

Yeah. And they probably won't, they won't know in the moment, but you can talk about it later. No, absolutely.

Rachel Richards: 23:37

And you know, rather than just putting the consequence in saying, okay, so what happened there,

Susie Asli: 23:41

you were shouted at me. So that's it, you can walk away, I did it with my daughter the other day, I said, I hear that you're angry, I completely understand that you're angry. Don't agree with me, that's completely fine. And I really don't like the way you're talking to me. So I'm going to go. And I'm gonna wait, and we're gonna talk about this later.

Rachel Richards: 23:58

So what about it, the consequences simply aren't working. Right. So this is this can be painful sometimes. Because you know, people are sitting there going, Yes, but it doesn't work. Yes, yes. Right, is the length of time too long. You know, because as your child lost interest and said, You know, I can't when is all that they basically think, Oh, well, I've got used to not having whatever it is that you've taken away from them. Is the timeframe so long that your child they can't possibly succeed? Are they pretending that it doesn't matter to them? Because a teenager is not going to say oh, yeah, that really matters to me. They'll know that. Yeah. Right. So so just don't just be consistent. Yes. But there are counterproductive punishments. And the American Academy of Pediatricians states that corporal punishment is ineffective at teaching discipline. Taking away healthy outlets is not a good idea. So I have seen parents saying, oh, you know, he's on this football team. You know, should I take that away? Just that's not really. I know, that's something that they really care about. But this is you're taking away their personal development in there. self worth. So you can sit them down and say, I'd really love to take that away from you, because I know how much it means to you. But I know how much it means to you and I am much more interested in your self development than I am.

Susie Asli: 25:12

Yeah. Unless you're part of a team. So yeah, exactly.

Rachel Richards: 25:16

So yes, it's talking about, you know, being clear with them, why you're not going to take that away, because you because actually, at the end, all you care about is them. And don't eliminate all privileges. Because again, they've got nothing less to lose. Yeah, then they just, they just give up. So if it's not working, repair the relationship. Yeah. And

Susie Asli: 25:33

are you are you doing it from a place of panic, because you feel that, you know, the world is shifting under or the carpets being pulled from under your feet, or I'm coming to find the right expression? You know what I mean? are you panicking because you feel that you know, you're losing control, and where's this going to end and where's your team going to end up and what's going to happen, because they'll pick that up on that they'll feel that and that is not a wholehearted place to be making consequences from now.

Rachel Richards: 25:59

So what we need to do is you talk about it all the time, I talk about it all the time, it's something I've grown into, which is this connectedness is everything. So if we've got to the point where the teenager is simply not listening to anything, you're saying, they are out in the streets, doing whatever they want, you have to completely stop and say I need to repair this relationship, whatever it takes, and make it clear to them that that's your wholehearted focus, and that you care about that person inside more than any of this other stuff. You need to sort of shrink the world down and just say, all I really care about is like, who are you? And where did this go wrong? I'm sorry,

Susie Asli: 26:38

they will care. Yes. Because we we know we love our parents, even the ones that are you know, doing awful, you know, murderous people still love their parents, that's it's not about that. It's, it's, they're, they're hurting. And we can we can open up the conversation. And if they don't want to talk to you then write them a letter or, you know, pop a couple of, you know, I don't know, say, Let's go for hot chocolate. So we don't have to talk, but just spend a little bit of time. So step by step can build up a relationship again,

Rachel Richards: 27:07

and just make it clear that what you care about, is none of the other stuff that you seem to because I think quite often teenagers think that you care about stuff that doesn't matter to them or isn't important. And that what you really care about is who's inside there and how they're feeling. Because that's everyone wants to be seen.

Susie Asli: 27:25

Yes, absolutely. So if it's like their friends that you worrying about that they're getting into the wrong crowd, like, you know, empathize with it. You know, I see why you like your mates, they seem really fun. They seem really wild, or whatever I get you want to hang out with them. But I'm, I'm really worried. Can you tell me about it? So you kind of opening it up rather than judging it?

Rachel Richards: 27:45

Yes. Exactly. Into in showing that you care about them? Not that you care about their but you know, what they're doing with other people? Obviously, you do?

Susie Asli: 27:52

Yeah. Tell me about it. What's what's going on? Yeah.

Rachel Richards: 27:55

And just coming back to a point you made about how sometimes it involves us looking at ourselves, I think there's one of the issues is that some parents will have really struggled, they are either struggling now with mental health issues, or stress, extreme stress, which makes it much much harder for them to be consistent. You know, those those meetings you need with your team where you need to think through the consequences, you need to work with them on what they think all that stuff, that takes quite a quite a high level of skill, and patience and emotional stability. If you find that you've got to the point where you just not able to do that. That's it. There's nothing wrong with you reaching out to get some support. And some help yourself, whether it's another parent, or it's some kind of professional help. You know, this actually really, really matters. And don't think you're being indulgent. Think I'm doing this for my family, because I need to be okay.

Susie Asli: 28:51

Absolutely. Absolutely. That's really, really good point. Because it's really hard. It's really hard. It's really hard. Especially if you're on your own doing it. It's really, really hard to so asking for help is is is a sign of strength, not weakness.

Rachel Richards: 29:03

Yes, yeah, absolutely. And once again, with parents who are doing this on their own, wow, it's really tough. So reach out as much as you can or need to. Does this episode resonate with you? Have you been struggling with trying to get life under control in the house? Have you tried some of these consequences and felt they haven't worked? What sorts of things if you put in place I'd be I just genuinely love to see after here. I mean, some people have lives. I mean, when you know, I have worked when the parents work with parents of children who were younger, we had lists of consequences so that people knew you do this, this will happen. And it was very clear. And I find that that's too rigid for me in my household. But that is another way where well, no, that's why they make a list and they write it down. They put it up and they say so if you do this, then this is what will happen. So that's another way of actually dealing with this and you can add positive things. You don't have to always take things away you can say you know I see this happening, big and here's why I want it to happen. If I see this happening, I can, you know, I can give you this is another treat here we're building up to this treat.

Susie Asli: 30:09

I think as in most things a parenting there's there's rarely a right or a wrong. So you have different ways of doing it have to find what really resonates with you. And and and you know, do that and your team will pick up that you really believe in this, that this is this is something that you that you're really wholehearted about. And that will have way more weight than picking a random technique.

Rachel Richards: 30:30

And don't be flustered. If you see other, your team coming home and saying oh, well, they don't have any rules at that house. That you just say, Well, you know, good for them. And they find that works. That's not how we work. And we really need to have some structure and here's why. So, so stick to your guns, if that's how you want to do it. But just remember, it's all about connection. It's not about imposition. So if you've enjoyed this particular episode, please let us know where you can email us at our website. There's help at teenagers untangle.com or straight through the website. You can subscribe to our podcast, which would be amazing and review us Yeah, definitely. Yes. We

Susie Asli: 31:06

also love to hear if you totally disagree. We love a lot

Rachel Richards: 31:09

of disagreement. I love it. Yes, because we don't know everything. We're just fumbling around ourselves. But we were just the truth is though I have having started this podcast and been doing it seen a dramatic difference in my house, which is for all of us, which is fantastic. So hopefully you're it's helping other people. You can search the episodes on the website, so you can go in the top and just use that search facility. I'm going to be doing more in the blogs area and we're on social media, Facebook, Instagram, if you want to walk sort of regular connection or you want to message us that way. Susie has her own website Susie.

Susie Asli: 31:47

It is www mindful hyphen life.co.

Rachel Richards: 31:52

So you can message her there, get all sorts of tips. She has a blog. Wonderful stuff there. And we are on www dot teenager's untangled.com That's it for now. Tune in next time, and goodbye for now. Bye bye for now.